Cupping Terms My Way

Lots of people think that I think the world revolves around me.

Doesn’t it?

I am, as you know, very skeptical of cupping terms. I have always been very skeptical of wine tasting terms as well.  It just seems to me that the same tired old terms get used over and over again. I live for the day that I am at a cupping or a tasting and someone looks up, with a thoughtful look and a quiet tone and says…

“has the piquant flavor of Good and Plenty with nuance of fritos.”

Until then…my cupping terms.

• Chocolaty- this term is used when the taster has no clue what flavors he is tasting.  This term is synonymous with the term *fruity* in wine tasting.
• Nutty- Another term that is somewhat like a place holder. Translates as “I have no clue what to say right now”.
• Acidity-Refers to how quickly a silver spoon will dissolve in the brew. Marine Corps coffee has more acidity than Air Force coffee. Trust me.
• Bready-This aroma occurs when the sleepy coffee drinker inadvertently drops his toast in the cup.  A bready aroma is often followed by:
• Crust- This is when the coffee drinker gets to the bottom of the cup, has enough caffeine in his blood to see, and gets grossed out at the soggy  toast remains spread over the cup like a  jumper off the Empire State Building. Crust will often be followed by:
• Baggy- The process of dumping out the soggy crust and any remaining coffee into a trash bag and starting over.
• Astringent- Caffeine is good for your skin. Coffee has caffeine. It makes a great astringent between cleansing and moisturizing.
• Aspiration-occurs when your mate tells you that they have run up the charge card just as you were taking a sip.  Aspiration results in sustained fits of choking and coughing.
• Body-When the coffee is served by one of the topless baristas in Washington or Maine it is said to have “body”. Body, often causes odd behavior and drooling in men of all ages…and some women.
• Carbony- This is a term made up by coffee roasters. It usually follows the phrase “Aw crap, I left it in the roaster too long”.
• Complexity- This happens when you have only a tablespoon or so of several different kinds of beans and you grind them all together to make a pot of coffee because you desperately need the caffeine and you are out of money and it is a whole day until payday and you know if you don’t have some coffee you will be shaking, hallucinating and sucking the table rags at Starbucks.
• Earthy- Coffee that is made whilst on a camping trip, by dipping water out of the nearby lake may be described as earthy or even, fishy.
• Herbal-This is a flavor  term referring to the consequences of mistaking the tea tin for the coffee tin in the early morning.
• Hidey- Hidey occurs when you find an uber expensive coffee you love and you don’t want to share it.
• Malty- Malty is a flavor description.  It is used when a hung over party-er mistakes the beer mug for the coffee cup when pouring.
• Medicinal- Another flavor description.  If your coffee tastes medicinal you might ask yourself if you have ticked anyone off lately.
• Neutral- Neutral coffee is served only in Switzerland.
• Nose-Nose is an exclamation used by people who drink from large coffee cups. (wait for it…) As the searing liquid hits the end of their proboscis they scream “NOSE! NOSE!”
• Taint- A term often used in the deep south when discussing coffee. “This is Folgers.” “Taint, it’s Maxwell House”.

This should get you started on everything you need to know about coffee. I will try to add to the dictionary as I have time.

Image:marye audet