Now, I am not saying that I have been lying about who I am..let’s get that straight right now…but I seem to have a RSS feed of my alternate life going through my head all the time..You know, the one where my house is spotless, I wear vintage aprons, and take a break two times a day to gaze out the window and sip tea from an antique china cup whilst nibbling (alter egos always nibble..munching is for reality) on a biscotti, cookie, or scone.

And honestly sometimes it is hard to live comfortably in one reality while another is playing through your head.

So…thoughts? Anyone else besides me feel that way? Or do I need to make another appointment with the VA?

What is your real life like?  The one that plays in your head?   And if you were a book character who would you be?

Image:SXC

Post from: Kettle and Cup

You know how some weeks you can fly through everyting you have to do and it all seems to flow and you feel energetic and perky and brilliant and successful?

This has not been one of those weeks.I have a ton of deadlines looming because it is the end of the month and my brain has been on autopilot for two weeks.  I can’t concentrate at all.  It seems breathing is a major chore for me right now.

So, I guess, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and we’ll do a stream of conciousness thing.  Ever read Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man?  I did.  Stream of conciousness and angst. Great for impressing people, “I read Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce” but there is little or no literary or intellectual value in the entire book.  It is sort of like a bad wine where everyone wants to impress everyone else and says things like “this is a fruity wine” (DUH!).

It seems to me that one of the downsides to becoming popular as a blogger is that you sort of stop being able to say whatever you want.  People from your church, your family, and people you feel responsible for start reading you on a regular basis and you find yourself deleting entire paragraphs because you don’t want to be criticized, corrected, or stared at.  One of the main benefits and joys of blogging, anonymously journaling your innermost thoughts, is suddenly not so anonymous or acceptable.  All of a sudden it becomes strained and work.

I had to give up Marriage Actually.  I so did not want to.  I tried every way i could think of to not have to give it up but there was no way around it…I had to…and I am angry about it.  In fact for the first time in a very long time I am angry about many things.  It might be a good thing and it might be a bad thing..I guess only time will tell.

What I need, I think I need more than anything right now is to get away for a few days and deal with my junk without having to be nice, or make sure I don’t hurt any one’s feelings, or even talk to anyone.  While I am not a *cutter* I can, for the first time since I was a teen, really understand why people cut themselves.  When there is so much pain inside that needs to be released the blood flow would seem almost like a pressure valve.  Understanding is not doing, by the way.  It is understanding.

I am so tired of being asked why I am struggling, what I have to struggle about, why I am angry/hurt/depressed.

A marriage counselor once asked me what would happen if I asked that something get done just because I wanted it…that something was just for me.  He wanted to know what I couldn’t do that.

I told him something terrible would happen.

He asked what terrible thing would happen if I asked that my feelings/desires/needs be honored.  I told him nothing less than complete economic collapse and the end of society as we know it.  He laughed.

Have you looked at the headlines lately?

I am so sorry.  I told him this would happen.

I have created a place where everyone else is right.  I believe that in my head, I live that way.  I live apologetically trying to cause as few problems as possible.

You know, the problem with that is that when you decide you can’t do it anymore you become the problem.  It’s not that i have to find myself, I have been here all along.  It is that I have to remind everyone that myself is as valuable as theirself and that is where the problem seems to come into play.

This has nothing at all to do with coffee except that I am sipping it right now.

I have 8 articles due by midnight tomorrow night, a Daring Bakers Challenge to do before tomorrow, a birthday party to put together, and a house that..well… IF a tornado when through I would open all the exterior doors and allow it to clean the house.

Over exteneded?

Nah…I have coffee.  Lots of it.

And I can get more.

Image:(c) maryeaudet 2009

Post from: Kettle and Cup

I love New Year’s Day.  I am always ready for Christmas to be over (more so this year than usual) and move on into the clean slate of the new year.  I was up very late last night/this morning working on some last minute deadlines and finally dragged myself into the bed at 4 a.m.  So I am laying here,in the warmth of the flannel sheets, sunlight streaming into my bedroom, sipping the last of my cup of coffee and thinking of the year that lays ahead.

It is a good day to do that.  It is transition time, nothing happening one way or another for most people.  A chance to consider and reflect.

Odd as it may sound one of my resolutions for 2009 is to take care of me.  The thought frightens me in many ways because I am afraid that people will think I am selfish and when I was growing up selfishness was the unpardonable sin.  I have had to struggle to find the middle ground where taking care of yourself is good.   Because you know what? If you are totally selfless all the time you teach your family to be selfish.  There has to be balance and boundaries.

So, on that note of philosophical thought here are my coffee and tea goals for 2009:

1. Get a coffee roaster
2. Try one new type of bean at least monthly
3. Try a new tea monthly
4. Tea and antiquing at least once every other month
5. Buy a beautiful antique tea set this year..something unusual
6. Take a 30 minute tea break daily to recoup
7. Decide if I really want to do teas for people in their homes or not.  I have been kicking that idea around far too long and I need to either do it or admit that it doesn’t interest me and let it go.
8. Write and photograph the tea/coffee devotional that I have wanted to do for a year.  Get the guts to send it to a publisher

So, there you have it.  For now, for today those are my 2009 goals. I will let you know how I do.

What are you doing today? Recouperating from last night or just hanging out?

image:marye audet

Post from: Kettle and Cup

I am curious about how many of you know about Fair Trade items and whether that is an important factor in your decision to buy a product. Where do you spend your coffee/tea dollars and why?

I am sitting here in my office, drinking my Saturday morning coffee. Heavy cream, stevia, custom roast….out of my favorite cup. An online friend sent me this cup about 10 years ago and it is chipped, faded and stained, but I love it..although it is probably time to get a new cup. I have lost track of her, and her life, over the past several years but the cup connects us and reminds me to pray for her.

In the background the little kids are watching cartoons. The noise from the den can be overwhelming when I am trying to think, because the den is attached to the office by french doors. The rooms flow into eachother…one of the oddities about an old house. You wouldn’t put the rooms like that in a new house.

It is a sunny, 60 degrees today, and the older kids all have plans. Shiloh is heading out to look for fossils, Ethan and Matt are riding bikes over to friends’ house…Marc started a part time job with Home Depot so he is gone until this afternoon…My daughter and her husband are chatting in the other room. This is Saturday here, totally laid back and relaxed. I have made donuts for breakfast, the bread for lunch is rising in the warm kitchen.

Black coffee is for the weekdays, busy, hurried, intense. Saturday’s coffee is always luxurious, languid, and luscious.

Saturdays I have a chance to blog surf…catch up, so to speak, and read new blogs. Here are some I found interesting today.

How Can I Recycle This asks what the best use for a used teabag is..with some interesting answers

Tea Party Girl discusses table settings. How often do you do that? Me? Not often enough, unless you count tossing the forks in a heap in the center and screaming “Food’s HOT!”

Tea on Tap reviews an Organic Shui Xain that sounds fabulous to me

Hayley at Coffee Helps has a hysterically funy post about her cat. And snow. And the importance of gallantry and the defense of honor. Warning…coffee/tea spew alert with this one.
The Coffee Detective finds the best coffee makers under $100.00, if you are in the market for a new coffee maker you might want to check that out.

Have an awesome weekend. I leave you with this thought from Dave Barry:

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles. ~Dave Barry

Post from: Kettle and Cup

I struggled greatly the last couple of days before Christmas with missing my parents, and my childhood…reliving too many Christmas’s past. I remembered so many things about Christmas at my childhood home with mixed fondness and regret. Always the picture of my dad sprawled out on the floor playing with my toys with me, and my mom sitting with her coffee cup…

And I realized with a laugh that coffee cups are part of so many of my own Christmas memories, and definitely part of my children’s Christmas memories. Even this Christmas the smell of coffee enticed me out of my warm bed and down the long stairs…

My granddaughter wanted to make sure that we left cookies and milk for Santa. I tried to tell her Santa preferred hot coffee but she would not be dissuaded. It must be cookies and milk. My youngest daughter, whom we fondly refer to as Chef Kyrie or Little Chef, was all for leaving some thing more substantial..she thought Santa might tire of cookies and lukewarm milk…but cookies and milk it was..and Santa did not complain, although I suspect he washed the cookies and milk down with a large mug of Bourbon Pecan Coffee.

I hope that your Christmas was full of fond memories, past and present and hope for the future. And I hope that it was infused with gallons of really good coffee.

Post from: Kettle and Cup