Comment on the Open Marriage Poll

We have been getting responses from our readers regarding our latest poll: Open Marriage or Not

Here’s what one of our Our One Heart readers has to say. An interesting read!

After nearly 10 years of marriage and two children together, my husband and I recently opened our marriage. For us, it wasn’t about getting more or different sex, although of course that was attractive. It was about having intense emotional connections with others and carrying out our feelings in a sexual way. We had discussed it for several years but never acted on it until we happened to meet a couple to whom we were both attracted and it was mutual. There is jealousy – but not where you’d expect. I am not jealous of my husband having sex with another woman; I am sometimes jealous if he spends more time with her than me, but for the most part I am happy that he is able to have this relationship that he finds fulfilling. I even find myself admiring him more because I can see what a loving person he is and how wide he is able to open his heart. I am sometimes jealous of the fact that my new lover has another lover besides his wife, but as long as I admit and communicate these feelings and don’t bury them, I hope it can be dealt with. So far, it’s working but it is admittedly early for us.

Ten years ago I would have said no way, but then I was insecure and had been raised very strict religiously. Marriage was ‘it.’ I am secure enough now in my relationship with my husband that I find myself able to ’share’ him, and he is secure in my love for him. We did not consider this before our marriage, but began talking about it as a ‘what if’ and ‘we’d never do this, but doesn’t it sound neat?’ kind of thing about 3 years into our marriage.

Marriage isn’t about only having sex with one person. It is about emotional and intellectual connection, about having that person with whom we can always be ourselves, no matter what. It’s someone who will always love us no matter if we’re fat, old, or bald, who will love us when we’re 90 y/o and have alzheimers and have forgotten our first kiss.

That being said, do I hope my relationship with my new lover is long term? Of course. I love him as well and I worry and fret about the possibility of losing him (hence the jealousy). But if not, I know I have that one person in my life who will always be there and will even hold and comfort me should my second relationship end.

Open marriage is not for everyone and it is not a cure for an already unstable marriage. One must begin with a stable marriage, preferably one with some years behind the relationship to create that solid foundation necessary to weather the stresses of open marriage.

Communication and honesty is the key. If you don’t already have that in your marriage, then you would have no right even considering opening your marrige.