POLL: Open Marriage or Not?
September 22, 2008 by Christine Gooding
Filed under Poll
Zosia Bielski of the National Post wrote an interesting article on open marriages and their own rules of engagement. I have been brought up in a conservative Catholic family and while my values have been opened to far more liberal views than that of my parents and grandparents, there are limits to my liberalism.
One of them is on open marriages. A colleague of mine says that humans like animals were born polygamous. To practice monogamy is against our instincts or is it? Yes when you are married, you sometimes think of that the grass is greener on the other side (ie dating scene). For some, the best answer to this is having an open marriage. My question is, how do you manage the trust, the jealousy that surely will arise out of this situation, the insecurity of ‘what if he or she finds the latest fling better than me’ scenarios?
So for you, would you go for an open marriage or not? Do you decide on this BEFORE you get married? Or is this something you and your spouse discuss after the wedding?
I am totally against open marriage. Marriage is a union created by God where the vows were a promise you made to each other and God. This means after you are married the couples eyes should only be for each other. Makes sense to me.
When I was young and stupid and naive about what commitment means I might have answered this differently.
Now I think marriage is complicated and hard enough, without adding layers of emotional drama this type of arrangement would cause in a family.
After nearly 10 years of marriage and two children together, my husband and I recently opened our marriage. For us, it wasn’t about getting more or different sex, although of course that was attractive. It was about having intense emotional connections with others and carrying out our feelings in a sexual way. We had discussed it for several years but never acted on it until we happened to meet a couple to whom we were both attracted and it was mutual. There is jealousy – but not where you’d expect. I am not jealous of my husband having sex with another woman; I am sometimes jealous if he spends more time with her than me, but for the most part I am happy that he is able to have this relationship that he finds fulfilling. I even find myself admiring him more because I can see what a loving person he is and how wide he is able to open his heart. I am sometimes jealous of the fact that my new lover has another lover besides his wife, but as long as I admit and communicate these feelings and don’t bury them, I hope it can be dealt with. So far, it’s working but it is admittedly early for us.
Ten years ago I would have said no way, but then I was insecure and had been raised very strict religiously. Marriage was ‘it.’ I am secure enough now in my relationship with my husband that I find myself able to ’share’ him, and he is secure in my love for him. We did not consider this before our marriage, but began talking about it as a ‘what if’ and ‘we’d never do this, but doesn’t it sound neat?’ kind of thing about 3 years into our marriage.
Marriage isn’t about only having sex with one person. It is about emotional and intellectual connection, about having that person with whom we can always be ourselves, no matter what. It’s someone who will always love us no matter if we’re fat, old, or bald, who will love us when we’re 90 y/o and have alzheimers and have forgotten our first kiss.
That being said, do I hope my relationship with my new lover is long term? Of course. I love him as well and I worry and fret about the possibility of losing him (hence the jealousy). But if not, I know I have that one person in my life who will always be there and will even hold and comfort me should my second relationship end.
Open marriage is not for everyone and it is not a cure for an already unstable marriage. One must begin with a stable marriage, preferably one with some years behind the relationship to create that solid foundation necessary to weather the stresses of open marriage.
Communication and honesty is the key. If you don’t already have that in your marriage, then you would have no right even considering opening your marrige.
I absolutely disagree with this. I think that the way we function as humans, whether it’s ebcause of society or not, does not allow for polygomous relationships. There may be a few people that would be okay with it but for teh most part jealousy and trust would get in the way. I know for me I grew up not only catholic but in a world of diney and fairy tales where two people fall in love and are in love forever. I wouldn’t be able to handle someone I loved, loving someone else. It’s bad enough when you break up and they go for someone else, but to be in a relationship like that. I know society is opening up (I read an interesting article on vdateonline.com about this the other day) but pretty soon if we’re too open there will just be mass chaos. Someone needs to instill values and morals for people, and I don’t think open relationships are a thing of the past, I think it’s the way our society functions. How would you have a family? What a mess!
My spouse and I have been married for 25 years. We have been sexually open the entire time we have been married. We love each other. We are happy with our relationship. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together in an open marriage.