Another failed marriage: what went wrong?
“Why doesn’t my daughter’s father seem interested in her?” a friend wondered aloud the other day. “Sure, when he’s out in public with her, he puts on a big show, but then he’ll miss his nights with her, no explanation, no nothing. And when she was a baby, he didn’t have anything to do with her. Why don’t men love their children?”
She didn’t mean that, literally. But the difference between father and mother love is huge, and heartbreaking.
So many men honestly believe that their responsibility to their families is to work. So many of the failed marriages I have seen, or been told about, begin with a vicious circle of underappreciation on both sides of the distaff: he works insane hours at the office trying to provide for his family, and doesn’t feel it’s appreciated, while she works insane hours in the house doing the same for no thanks. The cycle of resentment builds and builds; who’s right? Who deserves thanks and praise? Everyone. He needs to change a diaper every once in a while, and she needs to tell the kids it’s papa’s turn to sleep in on Saturday.
One of the things my ex never understood was how hard I did work, at home; I had a high needs baby, a part-time job, and a full-time career as maid, chef, household manager, and then some. He didn’t think I did anything, because I never nagged him or made him acknowledge what I did. But boy, did I laugh when I’d get a phone call asking how to work the washing machine when I’d been gone for a week. He, by his own admission, didn’t even know how to mop a floor. Good times. I kept trying to make him understand that we should have been most polite and solicitous of each other, that we should have been the most important people in each other’s lives, and taken every care to safeguard that. Instead, we felt taken for granted. In my next life, I’m going to treat my man like an errant knight, praise him for taking good care of me and our children, and make him feel like a king. In return, I fully expect to be granted goddess status.
Ahem.
After the holidays, I’ll treat you to a glimpse at how the other half sees it, from a few years out. A friend of mine has been single for three years now; his marriage failed for two reasons. He and his ex married the people they wanted to be, and not the people they were… and then they fell into that spiral of feeling taken for granted that destroyed their reserves of kindness and generosity. As he so eloquently puts it: ”
I never handled the pressures of being the primary “bread winner” very well. I worked very hard, and to some extent never felt appreciated for it. She, on the other hand, never understood what it took to succeed in my career and felt deeply betrayed by the time I spent away from the home and felt under-appreciated and neglected.
Though the first year was hard, he’s relieved to report that the two managed to forge a good, working relationship where the kids were concerned. His biggest challenge?
Dating… *Cue dramatic music*
Yes, Virginia, there is life after divorce. You just have to hang on.
