Sanctuary
April 27, 2008 by Christina
Filed under Selp-help, health, inspiration, sanity
All my life, I’ve felt this vague unease, this keening wail in the back of my psyche that cried, “I want to go home!” Didn’t matter where I was… in my apartment, in a lover’s arms, in the most beautiful spot in the world: some part of me keened and wailed. Home. As I fought through some harrowing times, some depressing and damaging and frightening times, that cry continued, persisted, wove its lonely way though the years I’ve spent on earth.
I don’t hear that voice anymore. Its cry abated the moment I stepped off that airplane from Dubai with my small son and my large suitcases and nary a thing in between. Some new paean roused itself in my heart that day. A strident, womanly call, wide hipped and laughing eyed, that spoke in no uncertain terms: Girl, find home. The call went out down every path in my body, whipping through and routing out that older, whimpering cry. The strength I found when I set myself on this new single mother life burned out the old crapola, the simpering desire for someone or something else to find me a home. I burned. I bent. I surrendered. I carved out an airy, vaulted space filled with light and hope and future tense, right here in my own heart, and I’ve carried that home with me through thick and thin these months since.
Single mother, I’ve got some hope for you:
Dig in, woman. Spread your toes in the dirt and your arms to the sky. Find light. Find peace. Find home inside yourself, and wherever you are, you will always be at home.
Good for you! Cheering you on from the sidelines!!!!
Loved your post today… Perfect as I try to find both my new physical home and logical “home”.
Wow…thank you for sharing this- very powerful…very necessary…helpful on a day like today…Thanks!
Congratulations Christina – you’ve earned this feeling!
I started to make our house “home” last fall. Part giving up that I couldn’t do better, part making peace that it *was* enough because we are happy here & we didn’t need to stare at white walls
Hope there’s many more memories to come in the new homestead!
Thanks, MME! You’ve been around to see and hear about most of it! thank you for that.
Nicole, please let me know when you find it. them. you know. Home, inside and out.
Becca, I’m glad it helps. It helps me to know you’re reading!
Leslie, I hope you find what you need to transform that house into home. I just couldn’t do it in the old place… maybe it was the rats, I dunno!
I really get what you are saying, Christina! I have also always had the ‘I wanna go home!’ mantra.
I hope your home and hearth are feeling blessed and full of joy! I love the elegance of your photo.
Beauty filled….
You have done well for yourself, girlfriend. Keep up the hard work. Your son will appreciate it soon enough.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have spent this past 8 months (since the birth of my daughter) trying to make our little apartment a place we can feel safe and secure.
I’ve never lived alone before. Among other things, I have discovered that no indeed, I do not enjoy a comercial size fishing line spool for a coffee table. Nor do I enjoy the free towels they gave away in a box of beer to hang in my bathroom.
I have been trying valiantly to complete ‘The Cleanse’ before my mat leave is up. I have discovered a new creative side to myself in the process. Since I can’t afford to buy anything at the moment. I have become a scrupulous used furniture seller. I sold all of the things I still needed from my old life and replaced them with new (or gently used) things. Each time I get rid of something and replaced it with something that I picked out solo…it makes me feel so good. It kind of gives me an emotional boost.
Recently I created a small vision board and placed it next to my computer. I stare at it every day and hope to try and stay somewhat focused. It has all kinds of things on it…a Buddah, a family tree, a pair of baby shoes, a woman doing yoga on a beach, a symbol of balance, some inspirational words, etc. I think one of these would look splendid on your little desk, and it was a great mood booster. Lots of fun to do over a bottle of wine with your girlfriends…
Very well said Christina!!
I found being fully single and living in the same room with my two little ones (I have six kids, so the little ones stay with me, and the other three live in two other rooms in the house), My room is my sanctuary.
It HAS to be clean, it has to smell good and I like my bed to be made. It’s my “Home”. When I get home from work, lugging two little ones in from a worn out truck, making sure my oldest made it home from high school, and my other two are on their way. I like to go into my room.
Spray my lavender linen spray on my sheets, and pick up from the morning rush. Unpack diapers bags, pack them for the night before, and talk to my cooing baby and my needy toddler.
There is something warm and welcoming about… Home. Even if we are single in it, at least we are in it!