what can we do when we don’t want to do it anymore?
August 12, 2007 by Christina
Filed under depression, emotional pain, mother's guilt
I do have a private journal. I don’t share everything here… but I recently wrote down my deepest fear and secret, and then thought I should share it with you here: sometimes, I don’t want to be a mother.
Is that horrible?
Sometimes, I feel like I can’t do a good enough job for him. I wish I could just be a driven career woman and leave the peanut butter and jelly behind. Sometimes, I feel like I could be one of those women who get into their cars and drive around the beltway with the windows up and the music blaring, screaming at the top of her lungs. Sometimes, the burden of being responsible for another little life is just too much, and something inside me wants to rebel. Parenthood is hard. Single mothering, single mom – dom, is hard.
And the paradox of it is, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I would give my life for him. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is my teacher as much as he is my pupil, and we will wind our way though life entwined, with the tug and pull and spinning together that every relationship undergoes. I will never ever let him know the human side of me. I will never ever make him doubt that I love him with every breath in my body, that I will always be here for him. Because I will. But sometimes, I just don’t feel I’m good enough to do this.
So, what can we do when that doubt comes creeping in? We have to forgive. You can’t let it turn into anger over the way your life turned out. You can’t try to blame anyone for your circumstances, no matter what they might be. You have to face the fact that sometimes, in everyone’s life, sometimes you don’t want to do whatever you are most responsible for doing. You just have to keep doing it until its joyous again. And these feelings will pass.
Try to break up the routine. If you haven’t had a break from your kid in a while, see if a friend or a relative can give you an afternoon or a weekend off. Or call up a single girlfriend and volunteer a sleepover. Slow down a bit… if you’re always rushing from one place to the next, you’re probably missing out on some wonderful opportunities to see the best and brightest lights that shine in your children. Snuggle. Read a book. Play catch. Go to the museum.
And if you have to, there’s nothing wrong with driving around the beltway a couple of times. Just make sure the kids aren’t in the back seat.
And always, always come home.
It’s amazing to me how you seem to live inside my head. The last three posts are me to a tee.
I think of how life was when I was still with X. I remember that even when I’m sad and frustrated and lonely, I’m still a million times happier alone with my kids than I was or could ever have been with him.
I just wish I could have read this last night when I really was crying. Thanks for writing this. All of this.
brilliantly written christina- and i have SO been there… on more than one occasion!
Amithyst, I’m glad you know you’re better off, now, than you were with your x. It’s what keeps me going through the hard days… no matter how hard it is now, it’s still infinitely better than what I went through. and what my son went through.
Stop on over to SoloMother when you’re having a good cry. I bet I’ll be crying right along with you!
Angel, thanks. I’ll wave to you if we pass each other screaming on the freeway!
Truer words have never been spoken! Thanks!
Great posts this week Christina! It’s been just what I needed.
I hope you have great driving music.
Good to know I am not alone. I am expecially crazy today, can’t stop crying. Can’t get me and my 4 year old precious out the door! Just keep crying and praying for strength. No family support, either!
Marjory, if I were you, I’d stop trying to get out the door this weekend. Order the groceries on line, pop some real popcorn in a big metal pot, put on your favorite jammies and favorite music, and dance around the living room.
I thought it was just me…sometimes I don’t feel like being a mother…but its ok because I enjoy motherhood…I take care of my kids all by myself financially and mentally…I’ve decided to move where I can get emotionally and social support which is so far from my family whom I live very close too (within 2 miles). Single mothers need a support base because without it you start to become bitter…I refuse to become a bitter woman so I’m moving to be around my support group…my friends and what so great my kids are so happy since we all have our kids within the same year…I refuse to grow old alone and bitter…
Thank you all for sharing your lives, your honesty, your fears and vulnerabilities. I am a newly terrified single mom. Life is extremely complicated, diifficult and stressful right now. Seems like everyone has an opinion on how to raise my son, how to survive, how to live and breathe from day to day. I have been through hating being the parent left behind, the one to carry all the responsibility. And hating myself for hating it. But we some how survive each day and wake up to face another.
Thanks for your strength.
Ray, I remember the terror. Don’t try to fix everything at once. Focus on the basics, food clothes shelter. Then tackle the other issues of busybodies and job and daycare and then you can focus on finer issues of life.
It’s hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. But you know what? You’re DEALING with it. Be kind to yourself, and keep on! We’re all here for you.
I am (sorta) new to your site and it has helped me tremendously. I am a 21 year old single mother of an almost 2 year old. This post really got my attention but like you said ” I would give my life for him” i love him more than anything
THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are a great example and inspiration to other mothers in the same situation (which unfortunately are becoming more and more)
Hey, Betty. Thank you so much for your words. I sometimes think I’m talking to myself, and wonder why I’m doing this. I’m glad to help.
The driving around the Beltway thing? My friends and I call it, “Driving and Screaming.” We roll down all the windows, turn the music up, and scream til we’re hoarse.
Crazy, but cathartic. Hope it helps.