I first published this last year. It remains true.

January 7th’s Reflection speaks of turning points. Sometimes they are beginnings and sometimes they are endings. I can understand that. I don’t like it but, then again, it doesn’t matter whether I like them or not, everything will unfold the way it was meant to.

Thy Will, Not Mine Be Done

My shortcomings also tempt me daily; therefore I also have the same opportunities as the reflections’ writer to become aware of them. In one form or another – self-condemnation will rear its ugly head. I make a mistake and the very first thought is “You stupid A**.” Anger seemingly always jumps up to be recognized. It is self-delusional for me to continue to regret the past and what happened with my relationships, my family. Yet it continues to deepen some level of anger within as it remains unfinished with my children.

Running away is not one that haunts me anymore. Rick taught me (and many others) that I am now able to go through my fears rather than avoid them. Being prideful often flip flops into feeling inferior which causes balance to remain a struggle. Wanting to get even has its moments. When my spirituality isn’t up to snuff and I am feeling lonely, abandoned, distraught or depressed, I get the feeling I want to get even but it is wiped out by knowing today that it simply won’t happen so no need to bother. Acting out of grandiosity? Nope, not part of my character.

The statement the writer makes about attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzing his efforts to change is true for me too. It has got to be either all, or nothing at all, and I know without a shadow of doubt that nothing at all will get me grave yard dead. Half measures won’t get me half drunk either. Half measures will get me full on, falling down, sh**-faced, blacked out!

Thus, – it is with complete abandon I place myself in God’s hands, embracing His help and somehow believing He has my best interests at heart because He loves me unconditionally. Else, why would I be sober today, now…

[picture credit]

Post from: Blisstree

Half Measures

Of course it takes a bit of faith and some positive thinking to believe that. Negative thinking won’t make it work. Neither will ego and pride. Might just require a small amount of pain too.

From today’s Daily Reflection: “It was painful to give up trying to control my life, even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape.”

You know, when people force things on you with complete lack of communication, it isn’t easy. As a matter of fact at certain times it can be damn hard and painful. When your feelings aren’t given any consideration, when you know you’ve been lied to, when you know the lies themselves actually belittle your intelligence and experience, it is most painful.

For alcoholics and drug addicts, reaction in a negative, angry manner is quite normal and not reacting is abnormal. Yet to remain sober, clean and happy, we must learn to get past moments like these, not react, do something constructive with our thinking, reach out to others and simply move on recognizing that the God I understand is far more powerful than the people who offer no respect or consideration. My God loves me and that is really what counts for my serenity. A closed door of opportunity will be replaced by something better.

“With my life in God’s care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through these times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.”

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People Close Doors and Burn Bridges Behind Themselves

It wasn’t a “bot” that left the putrid, hate-filled, obscenity in the moderated comments yesterday that questioned my manhood and character assassinated my good soul. It was an idiot with a dark heart. Possibly related to me but I couldn’t tell.

It is my hope that you get the help that you so desperately need “ryan.” I certainly wouldn’t want to live in that brain of yours again or anymore. Been there, done that.

But, you see, my God helps me through moments like your stupidity – today’s Daily Reflection;

Today I’m Free

“This brought me to the good healthy realization that there were plenty of situations left in the world over which I had no personal power – that if I was so ready to admit that to be the case with alcohol, so I must make the same admission with respect to much else. I would have to be still and know that He, not I, was God.”

I am learning to practice acceptance in all circumstances of my life, so that I may enjoy peace of mind. At one time life was a constant battle because I felt I had to go through each day fighting myself, and everyone else. Eventually, this became a losing battle. I ended up getting drunk and crying over my misery. When I began to let go and let God take over my life I began to have peace of mind. Today, I am free. I do not have to fight anybody or anything anymore.

I will quickly remind you though that you might catch me at the wrong moment on the wrong day. I have not found perfection. If you want to believe I am a ******* ***** you go right ahead and keep believing it. Just understand there is a small chance you’re wrong… lol.

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Today I’m Free!

Daily Reflections

Forming True Partnerships

“But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

****************************************

What happens when I have stopped twisting the relations with my family, friends and society at large? What happens when I am no longer as stupid and stubborn as I had been? What happens when I am no longer unable to form true partnerships?

When I feel tortured and alone… I look to this reflection and find that I am still alone though I have found the ability to form true partnerships.

This is the reading that leads me to believe something contrary to “Do the right thing and the right thing will happen.” According to whom? What will happen will happen according to God. If I do the right thing something other than what I think is best is liable to happen and it is then that I must practice 3 and 11!

Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done…

Because I’m soooo smart – I think I know what the right thing is!

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From Which You May Get To Practice Three And Eleven

Yesterday I told you about a gal in New York who had 19 years clean in Narcotics Anonymous who was “back out there.” Her name was Lorraine. That’s right – was – and still is. Sadly, two members of her home group took on the task of having to identify Lorraine in the coroner’s office yesterday. She died from an overdose in a shooting gallery. The conditions she was found in were not nice and I’ll only tell you one thing – the other people using that gallery had put a tarp over her when she died and continued with their business. Those who are familiar with those conditions will understand.

Lorraine had been Linda’s sponsor. Lorraine sponsored many women in Narcotics Anonymous. She was dearly loved by these women despite the fact that she brought recovery to the newcomer in the manner it was given to me – up front, truthful and damn personal!

The strange thing is, I was about to get to know Lorraine in an intimate way. Linda had set us up on a “date” for the end of this month. Linda was sure we would like each other. I was looking forward to the meeting. Last week we knew that would be canceled.

What happened? This is second hand information but from what we’ve been told, last October Lorraine had an operation. Unfortunately she neglected to mention to her surgeon that she was a recovering drug addict. You see, Lorraine had somehow come to a state of mind that, after 19 years, she had some level of power over her disease. He prescribed percocet which evolved into percodan which evolved into oxycodone which evolved into sniffing heroin, which led to shooting up.

Pay attention! 8 months! That’s all it took!

Linda and I had a talk with a priest today. Fr. Steve let us know that the God we understand knew that Lorraine was not in her right mind and He would forgive her and then bring her into His kingdom through His magnificent love.

I have lost the power of choice when it comes to drinking alcohol or using drugs of any name. Please – PLEASE – don’t allow any of the profundity pushers to convince you of anything contradicting that reality! This is not a game, it is a matter of life or death!

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May Her Tortured Soul Rest In Peace

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen

Just mho, it never gets old and the repetition can’t hurt…

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The Serenity Prayer – Long Version – Repeated

Therein lies one of my realities. I can care about someone. The level at which I care can increase. I can recognize right from wrong. I can do the right thing not simply in my opinion but in the opinion of many trusted, experienced friends. And the results might not be, will probably not be, what I would want in my dreams.

Which brings me to aligning my will with God’s will.

“More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. … Damn this faith business!”

It’s funny – I could write right here and now and tell you to your face, if you’re reading, I care about you. You wouldn’t even know it’s you. I could admit that I’m not going to give you any indication at all that I have feelings for you. Yet you may never know. If I were given the opportunity to tell you to your face it probably wouldn’t make any difference. I’ve gotten the perception already that you barely know I exist.

Because that is what my experience has taught me.

“We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

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This… Isn’t… Easy

This is one area where you darn well better do a Third Step after you’ve contacted authorities to let them know that your friend might be suicidal!

I’d much rather (and have been) feel grateful that my friend is still around to be PO’d at me for ratting them out than to be going to the funeral home for a viewing.

Of course, if you have a sponsor like I did he’ll spend the four hours you’re getting a psychiatric eval. out in the waiting room flirting with as many nurses as he can

And then, if you’re on that side of this mental twist, please, make sure you find the way to thank the friend who turned you in!

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It Is Surely Life Or Death!

Is a challenge in the life of this alcoholic.

Thanks Oliver – your comment was right on point and contained a few lessons I had learned some time ago. I appreciate you putting them out there as a reminder to me and for everyone else to see.

Letting Go. It’s a concept understood with difficulty and practiced with labor, for me. It has assuredly gotten better! Thankfully. Allowing myself to feel love is a definite challenge because I know today I am a master of self-delusion. I can clear something up about this right away!

Love (my experience and new understanding) is NOT something you feel in your loins! It is a feeling that arises in your heart…

And only in your heart! It does not manifest itself solely in your mind. It certainly isn’t something that happens when you see someone and think to yourself: “Gee, now that is something I’d like to be with!” Wrong!

There is a tell-tale pitter patter within your chest. And you definitely feel it. Its real.

But – as an alcoholic I have discovered that I am subject to feeling it very very easily depending on where my state of mind and spiritual condition are. I also must step back and give the feeling strong consideration along with taking the time to make some observations, then possibly some decisions.

Today its those decisions and observations that can lead me to a place where I might have to let go. The reason can boil itself down to whether my life could be at stake. It’s actually a shame that this is the way it is, for me, but it is one of the realities of my human existence. Intellectually, and from experience, I also know it can be the best thing for her.

And I find myself there right now. The feeling has grown some recently. She is a newcomer and I know she doesn’t know. I’ve not given her any indication at all. But God has a wonderful plan and First Things First! She has a perfect right to be given the opportunity to make full use of this magnificent gift she’s been given and that ought not have anything to do with me! There is no way I should allow myself to put me in a position where I distract her from the most important priority of what could be her life! If I acted in any other way it would invalidate these feelings.

Because you’re right – if I love someone I have to be willing to let them go, completely, no reservations. I can’t afford the attachment you spoke of, even if it were to come to pass and we partnered, I’d be required to be willing to let go. To pray that she find everything from God that I always wanted for myself and more. That’s true love, imho.

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Allowing Myself To Feel Love

As I do so often – from “The Language of the Heart” page 237-238 (I ought to set up a cot on these pages)

“My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like.”

It’s that “and the like” stuff that gets me! Bill doesn’t talk about love, affection, attention, a feeling of worthiness, a feeling of being needed, in this area. “And the like.” He does speak of depression, which I am subject to on and off, depending on my spiritual condition and my self-esteem.

“Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought them for years. And when defeat came, so did my depression.”

I remain ever grateful for some strange things like – getting divorced (at this moment, this wasn’t true yesterday). Driven to seeking help due to Twelve Steps I learned something about me and I’m thankful I learned it! My brain perceives things differently than I do! Yeah, I know, that can’t be, eh? Well, if you’re an alky like me you know for certain that the look on a particular person’s face will tell you they hate you, don’t want to be near you, think lowly of you etc. etc. Doesn’t mean that’s what they’re thinking! Just means that’s what I think they’re thinking! And when I think that’s what they’re thinking my brain perceives that as rejection! Not quite what Bill speaks of but it’s close enough for me…

“Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.”

It becomes exhausting. Very, very tiring to exert every ounce so many times, making small progress – but making progress!

“Then only could I be free to love as (St.) Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life.”

And – God will reveal to me the appropriateness of each relationship.

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My Basic Flaw Has Always Been Dependence