From pages 32-33 in the 12&12;

“To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the loveaholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle. To most L.A.’s, he/she is not. There are too many of us who have been just like him/her, and have found the riddle’s answer. The answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We supposed we had humility when we really hadn’t. We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. In both cases we had been asking something for nothing.”

Interested? Curious? Loveaholic?

“The fact was we really hadn’t cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.”

Are you obsessed with another person?

“In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.”

Think about this. Are you interested in helping a member of the opposite gender? Are you “all about” helping that person you so deeply care for? Why? Once you’ve done a bit of digging, do you find that you’re helping with the hope of having your help “returned?” Or, can you honestly say that you’re helping strictly for the welfare of the other person, expecting nothing in return?

“Few indeed are the practicing loveaholics who have any idea how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it. Some will be willing to term themselves ‘problem loveaholics,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill.”

Co-Dependents Anonymous is a wonderful fellowship. They even have a program of recovery!

“They are abetted in this blindness by a world which does not understand the difference between sane loving and loveaholism. ‘Sanity’ is defined as ’soundness of mind.’ Yet no loveaholic, soberly analyzing his/her destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his/her own moral fiber, can claim ’soundness of mind’ for him/herself.”

“God will restore us to sanity if we rightly relate ourselves to Him.”

Post from: Blisstree

The Loveaholic and Step Two

I first published this last year. It remains true.

January 7th’s Reflection speaks of turning points. Sometimes they are beginnings and sometimes they are endings. I can understand that. I don’t like it but, then again, it doesn’t matter whether I like them or not, everything will unfold the way it was meant to.

Thy Will, Not Mine Be Done

My shortcomings also tempt me daily; therefore I also have the same opportunities as the reflections’ writer to become aware of them. In one form or another – self-condemnation will rear its ugly head. I make a mistake and the very first thought is “You stupid A**.” Anger seemingly always jumps up to be recognized. It is self-delusional for me to continue to regret the past and what happened with my relationships, my family. Yet it continues to deepen some level of anger within as it remains unfinished with my children.

Running away is not one that haunts me anymore. Rick taught me (and many others) that I am now able to go through my fears rather than avoid them. Being prideful often flip flops into feeling inferior which causes balance to remain a struggle. Wanting to get even has its moments. When my spirituality isn’t up to snuff and I am feeling lonely, abandoned, distraught or depressed, I get the feeling I want to get even but it is wiped out by knowing today that it simply won’t happen so no need to bother. Acting out of grandiosity? Nope, not part of my character.

The statement the writer makes about attempting half measures to eliminate these defects merely paralyzing his efforts to change is true for me too. It has got to be either all, or nothing at all, and I know without a shadow of doubt that nothing at all will get me grave yard dead. Half measures won’t get me half drunk either. Half measures will get me full on, falling down, sh**-faced, blacked out!

Thus, – it is with complete abandon I place myself in God’s hands, embracing His help and somehow believing He has my best interests at heart because He loves me unconditionally. Else, why would I be sober today, now…

[picture credit]

Post from: Blisstree

Half Measures

“Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others.”

Through the years I’ve watched my share of alcoholics who’ve, unfortunately, allowed themselves to return to selfishness and self-centeredness. In quite a few instances these folks have shared in meetings in a manner that allows those listening to catch a glimpse of something being “off the beam.” An oldtimer noticed it in me once and said something to me about it. He told me that the majority of my sentences began with the word “I.” I was wrapped up in me!

“What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others — the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable – - could be extended almost indefinitely.”

That is the manner in which these other folks also shared. Most of them accepted the thoughts of those who were there to help them through those moments, those who understood. Sadly, not all of them were open to receiving this help. Perhaps it was the way it was presented, I don’t know. That doesn’t matter.

I’ve learned through these years that I want to at least attempt to couch my thoughts, comments and suggestions in a manner that is the most receptive or motivates action within our Twelve Steps. I know without doubt that I’ll never be perfect at any of this but I still try. I try because a life is always worth saving if indeed that life is in jeopardy. I don’t know if it is in jeopardy unless I ask. So… I ask. And for the love of God I have no idea how this was misunderstood, but it was;

[Name deleted] – Are you really okay? I ask because there is something I noticed in this post today…

You began 9 of 13 sentences with “I.”

Wassup???

The misunderstanding wasn’t the problem. There was a personal “reaction” and that wasn’t the problem. There was a subsequent apology that was accepted gratefully. That certainly isn’t the problem. I want to walk away from this – yet I can’t yet. Why? Because there is a problem, for me.

I did what I did strictly out of concern for another person. There was no “agenda.” There was no bad motive. I had no ill intentions. Yet I’ve now been character assassinated, diminished and repeatedly criticized – wrongly! Those who’ve done this couldn’t have read this comment/question because if they had they’d no doubt have understood the reason behind it. They are just spouting off for the sake of spewing negativity on someone they don’t know to defend someone they think they do know.

And it hurts still. And I am allowing myself to react to this hurt with anger.

The paragraph I’ve quoted above ends with this;

“When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home.”

The Internet can be understood as “the society of our fellows” imho. So your negative, name-calling, smart-assed comments have caused me harm. They hurt me when I was trying my best to find out whether someone needed help. You “holier-than-thous” ought to get the heck over your da** selves!

Post from: Blisstree

Subtler Misbehavior Quite As Damaging As Gross Misbehavior

Of course it takes a bit of faith and some positive thinking to believe that. Negative thinking won’t make it work. Neither will ego and pride. Might just require a small amount of pain too.

From today’s Daily Reflection: “It was painful to give up trying to control my life, even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape.”

You know, when people force things on you with complete lack of communication, it isn’t easy. As a matter of fact at certain times it can be damn hard and painful. When your feelings aren’t given any consideration, when you know you’ve been lied to, when you know the lies themselves actually belittle your intelligence and experience, it is most painful.

For alcoholics and drug addicts, reaction in a negative, angry manner is quite normal and not reacting is abnormal. Yet to remain sober, clean and happy, we must learn to get past moments like these, not react, do something constructive with our thinking, reach out to others and simply move on recognizing that the God I understand is far more powerful than the people who offer no respect or consideration. My God loves me and that is really what counts for my serenity. A closed door of opportunity will be replaced by something better.

“With my life in God’s care, fear, uncertainty, and anger are no longer my response to those portions of life that I would rather not have happen to me. The pain of living through these times will be healed by the knowledge that I have received the spiritual strength to survive.”

Post from: Blisstree

People Close Doors and Burn Bridges Behind Themselves

Daily Reflections

Forming True Partnerships

“But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Can these words apply to me, am I still unable to form a true partnership with another human being? What a terrible handicap that would be for me to carry into my sober life! In my sobriety I will meditate and pray to discover how I may be a trusted friend and companion.

****************************************

What happens when I have stopped twisting the relations with my family, friends and society at large? What happens when I am no longer as stupid and stubborn as I had been? What happens when I am no longer unable to form true partnerships?

When I feel tortured and alone… I look to this reflection and find that I am still alone though I have found the ability to form true partnerships.

This is the reading that leads me to believe something contrary to “Do the right thing and the right thing will happen.” According to whom? What will happen will happen according to God. If I do the right thing something other than what I think is best is liable to happen and it is then that I must practice 3 and 11!

Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done…

Because I’m soooo smart – I think I know what the right thing is!

Post from: Blisstree

From Which You May Get To Practice Three And Eleven

Therein lies one of my realities. I can care about someone. The level at which I care can increase. I can recognize right from wrong. I can do the right thing not simply in my opinion but in the opinion of many trusted, experienced friends. And the results might not be, will probably not be, what I would want in my dreams.

Which brings me to aligning my will with God’s will.

“More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. … Damn this faith business!”

It’s funny – I could write right here and now and tell you to your face, if you’re reading, I care about you. You wouldn’t even know it’s you. I could admit that I’m not going to give you any indication at all that I have feelings for you. Yet you may never know. If I were given the opportunity to tell you to your face it probably wouldn’t make any difference. I’ve gotten the perception already that you barely know I exist.

Because that is what my experience has taught me.

“We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

Post from: Blisstree

This… Isn’t… Easy

This is one area where you darn well better do a Third Step after you’ve contacted authorities to let them know that your friend might be suicidal!

I’d much rather (and have been) feel grateful that my friend is still around to be PO’d at me for ratting them out than to be going to the funeral home for a viewing.

Of course, if you have a sponsor like I did he’ll spend the four hours you’re getting a psychiatric eval. out in the waiting room flirting with as many nurses as he can

And then, if you’re on that side of this mental twist, please, make sure you find the way to thank the friend who turned you in!

Post from: Blisstree

It Is Surely Life Or Death!

Is a challenge in the life of this alcoholic.

Thanks Oliver – your comment was right on point and contained a few lessons I had learned some time ago. I appreciate you putting them out there as a reminder to me and for everyone else to see.

Letting Go. It’s a concept understood with difficulty and practiced with labor, for me. It has assuredly gotten better! Thankfully. Allowing myself to feel love is a definite challenge because I know today I am a master of self-delusion. I can clear something up about this right away!

Love (my experience and new understanding) is NOT something you feel in your loins! It is a feeling that arises in your heart…

And only in your heart! It does not manifest itself solely in your mind. It certainly isn’t something that happens when you see someone and think to yourself: “Gee, now that is something I’d like to be with!” Wrong!

There is a tell-tale pitter patter within your chest. And you definitely feel it. Its real.

But – as an alcoholic I have discovered that I am subject to feeling it very very easily depending on where my state of mind and spiritual condition are. I also must step back and give the feeling strong consideration along with taking the time to make some observations, then possibly some decisions.

Today its those decisions and observations that can lead me to a place where I might have to let go. The reason can boil itself down to whether my life could be at stake. It’s actually a shame that this is the way it is, for me, but it is one of the realities of my human existence. Intellectually, and from experience, I also know it can be the best thing for her.

And I find myself there right now. The feeling has grown some recently. She is a newcomer and I know she doesn’t know. I’ve not given her any indication at all. But God has a wonderful plan and First Things First! She has a perfect right to be given the opportunity to make full use of this magnificent gift she’s been given and that ought not have anything to do with me! There is no way I should allow myself to put me in a position where I distract her from the most important priority of what could be her life! If I acted in any other way it would invalidate these feelings.

Because you’re right – if I love someone I have to be willing to let them go, completely, no reservations. I can’t afford the attachment you spoke of, even if it were to come to pass and we partnered, I’d be required to be willing to let go. To pray that she find everything from God that I always wanted for myself and more. That’s true love, imho.

Post from: Blisstree

Allowing Myself To Feel Love

A Spiritual Axiom

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

In the body of the person’s response in the Daily Reflection they say this;

“Feelings come from inside, not from outward circumstances. When my spiritual condition is positive, I react positively.”

On page 90 in the 12&12, speaking about the spiritual axiom and anger, it says;

“Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional “dry benders” often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances – jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride – did the same thing.”

Our poor “friend” Micky has, once again, resorted to lies and name-calling because he’s not getting his way. Now I am a coward and my father was (yeah, he’s dead fool) a murderer. And I won’t allow his comments to be read. Awww…

I now have over 130 screen shots of your spam which I am going to send to your ISP in Australia and Google, with a complaint that you are more than a spammer – you needlessly harass good people all over the Internet with your hateful name-calling and blog defacing. And I’m not sorry one bit!

Post from: Blisstree

Of Course It’s Not October 9th!

I didn’t see it, they did. And they told me. When they told me, it pi**ed me off. Then I became more defiant. Eventually, some mere mention of it would twist my gut into instant anger.

Had they also mentioned that I was defying God I think I might have really lost it. He was my last and only hope – but – He never delivered what I so desperately wanted, what I kept asking Him for.

I arrive in AA and within a very short time I learned that I had been defying Him. I still didn’t quite understand how but I had become open-minded to its possibilities.

Today I read page 31 in AA’s 12&12 and there is no confusion, no doubt, no misunderstanding. It’s clear as a bell.

“As psychiatrists have often observed, defiance is the outstanding characteristic of many an alcoholic. So it’s not strange that lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us. The girl we wanted to marry had other notions; we prayed God that she’d change her mind, but she didn’t. We prayed for healthy children, and were presented with sick ones, or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became drunkards, and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened. That was the unkindest cut of all. ‘Damn this faith business!’ we said.”

Now, despite years of practicing “Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done,” I continue to live in my world where all, except being an active drunkard, remains a fact of my life. I struggle with this – a lot. Yet, there’s no alcohol on my breath.

What’s the difference from then to now?

Post from: Blisstree

Clearly Defiant