Second best – at most! Sometimes Third or lower…

Eventually you lose the energy to make a list finding yourself staring at the “wishbook” forlornly having no faith whatsoever that any wish or desire would be fulfilled.

From today’s Daily Reflections;

“Material values ruled my life for many years during my active alcoholism. I believed that all of my possessions would make me happy, yet I still felt bankrupt after I obtained them.”

Hmmm – rarely attained the plateau of “obtained them.” That feeling of bankruptcy was worse.

“When I first came into A.A., I found out about a new way of living. As a result of learning to trust others, I began to believe in a power greater than myself.”

With both parents passed on, those who were meant to be trusted and weren’t, were gone. Yet there was still a power greater than myself who could be!

“Having faith freed me from the bondage of self. As material gains were replaced by the gifts of the spirit, my life became manageable. I then chose to share my experiences with other alcoholics.”

Manageable. Not materially wealthy – manageable. If you can identify, you certainly are not alone and this is there for you also!

The answer to the question? “What’s More Important Than Things? Or Stuff?”

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What’s More Important Than Things? Or Stuff?

“There can be only one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or – quite as important – other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let’s try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.”

I have known those who were heartless, cruel and self-centered in the extreme to the extent that “making amends” in a program of recovery did not take into consideration the lives and feelings of others. Usually these folks are the types who continue to admit they have left things out, important things. They sometimes take the form of those who openly contradict what many would call the majority experience. And… they sound good.

Of course, they eventually do what few of this type escape – they drink again.

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Do Not Make The Crosses Of Others Heavier

Listening to newcomers at today’s Noon meeting I heard it again. What I sounded like with the same amount of “sober” time. Especially when I attempted to speak about what my father “did” to me to make me drink. That is until an oldtimer asked me if my father poured any booze down my throat.

From today’s Daily Reflections;

I Am Responsible

“For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.”

“The very thing I fear is my freedom. It comes from my tendency to recoil from taking responsibility for anything: I deny, I ignore, I blame, I avoid. Then one day, I look, I admit, I accept. The freedom, the healing and the recovery I experience is in the looking, admitting and accepting. I learn to say, ‘Yes, I am responsible.’ When I can speak those words with honesty and sincerity, then I am free.”

FREE!

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I Am Responsible

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible”

This reflection speaks of not being able to make amends to those folks who were casual acquaintances. People who passed through our lives briefly or barely. Like those neighbors I used to live near who no doubt heard my late night yelling…

“The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only ‘changes for the better’ I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.”

Just a personal thought – as you’re being courteous and kind to your fellow man today, don’t get carried away with your wonderfulness. You’re simply acting as our Higher Power had intended us to act from jump street. Nothing to be taking credit for…

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A Step Towards Emotional Balance

First Things First – changing wherever to whenever gives a different meaning…

The Very Spirit;

“The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.”

Full consequences. Not partial, half, a little bit or just some. Full.

The only exceptions? Cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm.

Not delaying because we are afraid…

“Earnestly asking God’s help and guidance – meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may?”

And – the right thing is clear to you exactly how? Oh, yeah – “lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser.”

Specific and direct instructions.

Do it!

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Step Nine

Those who don’t grow will inevitably go – back to drinking (drugging, overeating, etc.). Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

Let’s take a shot (and I mean shoot at it lol) at complacency. From today’s Daily Reflection;

“Sobriety fills the painful ‘hole in my soul’ that my alcoholism created. Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done.”

Were we to leave it right there I’d imagine many would get a different idea. Sounds like we could be approaching finished doesn’t it? Then – that horrible word – however…

“However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening. Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others.”

Another area where man (we alkies) sells newcomers short, sometimes have a tendency to show favoritism towards certain folks whom we approve of to speak at speaker meetings, ignoring many at the expense of a few. Yet, without doubt, HP levels the playing field (in His time).

“My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening. I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow. Today I am ready to grow.”

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Grow – Or – Go…

Thought – if you’re new and having troubles with your personal relationships and thinking of drinking, don’t keep it to yourself and think perhaps you can solve it on your own! Meetings, sponsor, oldtimers.

Make note – From the 12&12, page 77;

“First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.”

And then it says “This is a very large order” to which I thought, in the beginning, oh screw this one! Amazing I would think that because the lack of good relationships was/is the primary emotional pain of my very being.

I can attest today that this is true;

“Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure.”

An adventure that I often want to not live through because of its disturbances, but I make it with your help. Relationships, even after time sober, can still be major challenges, especially with those you love.

But I said I was willing to do whatever it took and I still am!

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Oh No! Personal Relationships!!!

Naturally, I consider that, in “those days,” I was drinking so how honest could I have been? I suppose only my customers could say…

When working an Eighth and Ninth Step there is a lengthy discussion in the Big Book about just exactly how honest we ought to be. The answer, for me, is on page 80. Referring to a wrong a man felt he could not possibly make right, here is what follows;

“After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his Creator quilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow.”

Please let me remind you, this works for me – I don’t want to face the prospect of standing before St. Peter at the pearly gates and have him ask me questions that I won’t have an honest answer for… I’ll do whatever it takes to be as close to 100% honest as I can be. Besides, the God I understand today will forgive me for anything as long as I’m willing to be forgiven. Oh, and I don’t go running around using that as an excuse for poor behavior because I know that same God can see right through that crappola.

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Honesty – But To What Extent?

From page 96 in the 12&12;

“We well remember how something deep inside us kept rebelling against the idea of bowing before any God.”

Of course there is something else that continues to remind me of the nature of my dilemma – page 39 in the Big Book;

“But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience.”

The potential alkie in me went past that imaginary line decades ago and became real, despite the fact I am more comfortable saying I’m recovering rather than recovered. Once a pickle…

Back to the 12&12. Following on page 97, “We liked AA all right, and were quick to say that it had done miracles. But we recoiled from meditation and prayer as obstinately as the scientist who refused to perform a certain experiment lest it prove his pet theory wrong. Of course we finally did experiment, and when unexpected results followed, we felt different; in fact we knew different; and so we were sold on meditation and prayer.”

The real challenge, for me? That strange twist of mind. I am still my worst critic. I redefine, almost daily, what I am doing wrong when it comes to prayer – in spite of this – that, for me, prayer is simply the lifting of one’s heart to the God I understand!

And seemingly, our founders and those who followed them, knew folks like me would venture this way. So they put these “things” called daily reflections in a book. Yesterdays simply says;

“Conscious contact with God can be as simple, and as profound, as conscious contact with another human being. I can smile. I can listen. I can forgive. Every encounter with another is an opportunity for prayer, for acknowledging God’s presence within me.”

Thankful.

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My HP Loves Me Anyway!

I Am An Exception! I Am Different!

Taking today’s “Daily Reflections” and breaking it down a bit;

“During my drinking life I was convinced I was an exception. I thought I was beyond petty requirements and had the right to be excused.”

Separate myself from you. All of you! I’m special. I’m different. I deserve special treatment. Blah, blah, blah.

How many of you would like to say “EGO!” I would… The right to be excused? From what? The consequences of my actions, my lack of consideration, my lack of respect, my hard heart, the monetary results of my actions, my inaction and its results, your hurt feelings, my disgusting attitude. And about a bunch of other harms.

Aaah, but, God has a sense of humor, or a sense of balance, or a sense of retribution, something in God’s plan will work against me. He gave me a conscience. Although I drink my conscience into oblivion, I can’t drink my subconscious into oblivion. And it “shows” itself as a dark counterbalance to my insanity.

I develop and can no longer shake this constant feeling of – “I don’t belong.” I shouldn’t be a part of anything because I’m not worth it. Nobody wants me, and on and on…

A very dark “world” to live in, very dark.

“What a wonderful awakening for me it has been to realize that, if human beings were doing the best they could, then so was I! All of the pains, confusions and joys they feel are not exceptional, but part of my life, just as much as anybody’s.”

Shucks, I’m not unique anymore. But my world is bright and full of hope!

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The Dark Counterbalance