I’ll start you off with a dating story. I always hate it when people say meeting someone will “happen when you least expect it”. I do agree with it, but at the same time, I wouldn’t pull down my Lavalife profile because of it. Then one of my friends was telling me a story about a guy she recently met…on Craigslist.

When I say she met him on Craigslist, I don’t mean in the personals section (Kevin over at PointlessBanter did a whole series on Craigslist Creep of the Week), I mean she put an ad on Craigslist to sell her sofa and met a man. Now, it wasn’t “Nice sofa, let’s hang out sometime”. She’s been working at it.

She started the story off my telling me that, via e-mail and by the sounds of his name, he seemed like he might have some potential. I knew I was in for a good story when she said that. So he showed up at the prearranged time (and she gussied herself up), and he was tall, dark AND handsome. He tried out the couch and said that if anyone else was interested to let him know.

The next day, she lied to him via e-mail, telling him that someone else had come by to look at the couch, just so that she could have an excuse to talk to him. A few e-mails later and they were scheduling a time  to meet up again…so she could look at his dining room set.

At the dining-room meet up, he offers her something to drink. Thinking she hit the jackpot, she said yes, and asked what he had. He answered water. Clearly an indication he was merely concerned with her level of hydration. It was even clearer still when he opened a fridge full of beer.

She told him she wasn’t sure about the table, and would think about it. Of course she is going to buy it, she needs more time with Couch Man! She arranged a time to meet up with him to pick up the couch, which is going to happen this week. I have advised her not to purchase anything else from him, no x-boxes or segas or whatever the kids are playing these days. I will update you with what happens when it does…and wish her luck!

Post from: Blisstree

It’ll Happen When You Least Expect It

“Imperfection” by
enggul via Flickr

I know, I know… the way I see the world and it’s inhabitants is far different than the way others might see it. But damn it, I was talking to a guy on IM this morning and when we got to the part where I explain how and why I’m living with my dad, he suddenly disappeared. Actually, it went something like this:

Me: (explaining all the details of the past 7 years in brief, detailing the fact that I’m not a mooch, have lived on my own, financially independent, before for three years, etc.)
Him: And you’re how old again?
Me: 31
Him:
Me: Hello?
Him:
Me: (knowing what was going down) hahahahahahahaha
Him:
Me: (after 15 minutes of no replies) Something wrong?
Him: (signed off)

I can’t stand being judged on stupid stuff like that. Do people really think that despite my claims to the contrary, that I LIKE this living situation? I mean, I love my dad… 1000%. Love my mom that much too. But I’ve already lived on my own, completely self sufficient financially, and because I had a complete change around of my life (I used to be a zookeeper – it’s what I went to college for, and I now own a web development business) I had to make some changes. I floundered for a couple years, because my whole world was flipped upside down on me! But I’m here, and finally, 3 years into owning my business, can I say that the goal of buying my own house is visible to me on the horizon. How is this bad?

This was one of those things my ex used to throw in my face. I had an argument with a friend one day, and she used it against me as well. And now today, this guy who seemed kind of cool, bailed on me as soon as he read that I don’t live on my own (despite the fact that I pay all my own bills, and even contribute to the general household bills).

Keep in mind, I’m not crushed or emotionally devastated by this guy’s “bailure” (pun intended). In fact, I think he showed me a lot about who he is in the very short convo we did have. (He didn’t know what a blog was… for starters, there’s proof we’d have nothing in common!) He’d mentioned that he wanted to move out of NY (something I’ve considered but wouldn’t do for anyone except Mr. Absolutely Perfect.) He’d worked his way up with his questions trying to find out how much I make in a year. When I called him on it, he denied it, but I’m not stupid. My ex was a money focused person, too. I know the signs.

I just don’t understand why people just judge so much based on such stupid crap. I’m a pretty good person and friend. I’m a great girlfriend. I’m freaking awesome at being someone’s significant other. My life has NOT gone as I’d envisioned it all along, no. I’ve had to grow brand new dreams and goals for myself from the ground up. And I’m well on my way to reaching them. Doesn’t that count for something?

I swear, in the past 6 months between this guy, the guy who I haven’t heard from in a week since I told him that I knew his coworkers, and the guy who decided that I’m too loud, wear ghetto-fab earrings, and look “like the kind of girl who’d date a black guy” as if it were a bad thing, the uber clingy pink rose boy, the guy who guilt tripped me after I told him I wasn’t feelin’ it, and my ex… I don’t know what the hell to do, but I’m sure as heck going to put all that more energy into Being Fabulous all by myself at this point. Online dating is really freaking me out lately. What is WRONG with people!?!

Post from: Blisstree

It’s official. I hate online dating.

Image via Wikipedia

I’m the Julia Roberts character, of course. The neurotic, crazed, pact-making female friend, who spent years pining for a guy who is about to marry another woman. Yes, he’s also totally as hot as Dermot Mulroney is, even though I’m no Julia.

I’ve spent these years in silence, mostly because it’s been several years since he and I have seen each other face to face. Last time was when he came up here from Florida to visit with his father, who lives about an hour from me. I brought him out with all my friends, he charmed them to pieces, so on, blah blah.

The thing about he and I is that we never had a romantic relationship. We never slept together. (Though he’s by far the very best kisser/make-out partner I’ve ever had in life.) But I’ve loved that man, and all his faults, since day one. We did make a pact, like in the movie, that if neither of us were married by the time I turned 30, we’d marry each other.  Of course, that deadline has since passed, and he’s now engaged to be married to someone else.

I’ve never met her, but I know him. I know why he’s doing it, and I really think it’s for too many wrong reasons. And no, the reasons do not revolve around how perfect I think he and I would’ve been together… though I know that when he and I get together, it’s like no time has passed. Yet, he’s asked me to be there for the wedding. He used nearly the same words that Dermot’s character uses in the movie, in fact… “I need you here, I can’t do this without you.”

I remember when I told him I loved him. (Yes, this relates to the movie too…) In the movie, he tells her that his fiancee says, “If you love someone, you say it. You say it out loud, because if you don’t, the moment just passes you by.”

We were at a party for one of my college friends, and he went outside to pee. I stood behind him, as he told me of this girl at work (we worked together) that he had slept with. I started to cry, but I refused to tell him why. He got concerned, of course, and said that we were leaving and were going to go talk. We did, and I didn’t want to talk. I brought him home, and he made me get out of the car. We went to the backyard, he brought me lemonade, and sat next to me.

He begged me to tell him what was wrong, and I was so nervous… I couldn’t stop crying, and he said that he wasn’t going to move from that spot, nor was I, until I told him what was wrong.

I covered my face and blurted it out. I almost yelled it out, in fact. I couldn’t look at him, but I said, “I think this is really stupid of me, because it’s going to ruin everything, but I have to tell you that I think I’m in love with you!”

He said nothing, but I felt his hands on my wrists, and he pulled them from my face. He was kneeling in front of me, and said, “Lara, that was the most beautiful, wonderful way anyone’s ever said that to me.”

I bawled some more.

He told me that even though he doesn’t feel the same, he’d never let anything as beautiful as that get between us.

Yep, I was crushed. Embarrassed. Mortified in fact, and then his frat brother friend came in to pick him up to go to some frat house party or something. He saw me crying, and Dave went into the house to put him off for a few while we tied things up. I cleared up my face, gathered my things, and straightened my outfit, and went inside after him. (Because I had to go through the house to get to the front where my car was.) I said hello to his friend and made a bee-line for the front door. He followed me out to the car.

At the car, he told me not to worry, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me. Later he told me that his friend said, “I know this isn’t the best thing to say, but she’s really beautiful when she’s crying.” Ha! I guess that’s a compliment, I think.

Anyway, long story short, he and I continued to remain very close friends. I mean, nothing did change except for when I would throw in his face that I bared my soul to him and he disregarded it, of course. (He knew I was kidding, he often did the same. I never laughed so much as I do when I’m with him.)

I remember one time we were out together at dinner, we were feeding each other, and it just felt like we were already “there”, you know? I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a romance. He told me that night, “Lara, if I don’t marry you, the girl I do marry will be just like you.”

Ugh. This chick better be nothing like me. LOL

So while I’m not going to fly down there and break into computers or embarrass her in front of her family, and I’m not going to break out with “the yucky love stuff” three days before the wedding, I think I have to go. I’ve known for so many years now that he and I weren’t going to happen the way I’d dreamed when I saw him standing in front of the mirror in a towel thinking, “I could wake up to this every day for the rest of my life and be happy.”

And despite his reasons for not wanting to be with me, I can’t hate him. I can’t even dislike him. I love him deeper than romantic love and since he once said to me that something so beautiful can never come between us, I have to reciprocate that. I’m pretty sure I’ll be on my way to Florida in a few months, and I’m going to be the best friend he’s always known. My memories are there to serve a purpose to me, to remind me what it’s like to have those crazy, messed up, psychotic feelings about loving a man. They help me remember how it feels so special and wonderful to be with a man you love, who respects you for loving him. And all this comes flooding back to me, simply because of a movie on television on a Sunday afternoon. Go figure!

Post from: Blisstree

My Best Friend’s Wedding

I met Tina 10 years ago when she worked for my father at his travel agency. We were brand new to our 20’s, and I used to joke that Tina and I were truly polar opposites. She, blonde and tiny (in height and width) and me, brunette and big (uh, in height and width). Aside from appearances, Tina and I had very different experiences with dating and relationships, what we’re physically attracted to, and the types of men who were attracted to us. Despite these differences, Tina and I have very much kindred spirits and hearts, and Tina was in fact the girl who got me into modeling and acting (as she was already in the field).

At the time, she was in a relationship with a guy I wasn’t all that fond of. He was kind of controlling of her free time, for one thing. (He’s since apologized for things, and they are good friends now.) After that, she’d had a couple failed relationships, just based on the fact that they were so very wrong for her.

Tina then met Matt #1. He was a body-builder, cute, and seemed to love Tina to pieces. A couple years after dating they got married, and things were just really not good. Matt #1’s temper spiraled out of control at times, to the point where he even called me up on the phone screaming at me at one point.

Tina had some health issues where the meds she was on caused her to gain weight. You could tell that their marriage wasn’t doing so well, because Tina had started spending time with me without her husband in tow. Tina’s always been the kind of girl to bring her man everywhere with her, so I knew this was a clue, and eventually he moved out on Thanksgiving Day in 2006.

Tina was then on the reality show The Ex-Wives Club and her whole world was changed. There she had her first date since her divorce, with Matt #2 (the BETTER one). Tina and Matt are now married and run a non-profit drama ministry called Act 4 Him. That’s their wedding picture, which was taken on the island where they had their first date, which was on national television. The ceremony however, was private – just the two of them, deeply in love.

The reason I’m writing this is because despite the joy in Tina’s love life and her personal life, she’s recently undergone some medical problems, one of which being having a tumor removed from her jaw this past Monday. The tumor was found to be benign, thank God, but Tina’s incurred major medical bills as a result of all the problems. This afternoon, the community is coming together to hold a benefit to help. (Times Union)

I’m so proud of her, and she totally deserves this as she’s been through so much and worked so hard to regain her happiness (with the help of her wonderful hubby!), I just thought I’d share…

Post from: Blisstree

Reality show star finds true love and support all over her world.

Image by
Getty Images
via Daylife

Ya gotta love PlentyOfFish for being free so all the wackos can get on it.

I met this guy, right… he’s pretty much okay looking, just not what I’d be on the hunt for (I like DARK hair, darkest brown or black. I like tan or olive complexions. I like tall men. I like men where I can imagine myself wrapped up in their arms and feeling small and safe) but he was ok looking.

We chatted online for a day or so, and we had a lot in common. The fire department thing, the mixed Italian heritage, very similar values on work and family and marriage. I thought that this was too good to be true (and I think he kind of did to) so we just really had to meet fact to face.

We meet up this past Sunday for coffee at Panera, one of my favorite places. He’s cuter in person than in his photos, still not my “ideal” but what the hay, sometimes a girl’s gotta sacrifice somewhere. (Kidding! Seriously, he was okay looking.)

He opened doors, paid for coffee, all was nice. We talked a lot, and I got a little nervous when he started mentioning his brother and drugs in the same sentence, but I thought, “Okay, that’s his brother, not him necessarily.”

Then, I’m in the middle of a story, and he gives me this death stare and says, sternly as if to scold me, “You’re LOUD. You’re LOUD. Quiet down.”

Uh.

Hm.

Okay, then.

Now I’m insulted but I figured whatever, I’m not going to change me for you, and now you owe me dinner, bitch.

So we go to dinner, and I’m trying to be more accepting. I really seriously tried.

He then says to me, “You LOOK like the kind of girl who’d date a black guy.”

I say, “Excuse me? First, why would you say that? What about my appearance makes you think that?”

He says, “Well, it could be those ghetto fabulous earrings you’re wearing for one thing.”

Uh.

Hm.

Okay, then.

So I tried to change the subject, I asked him if he could name all the members of The Beatles. He said, “Uhhhh Paul McCartney. But I don’t give a shit. So whatever.”

I said, “You seriously can’t even give first names?”

He says, “No, and I think it’s really weird that you think that’s so important.”

Uh.

Hm.

Okay, then.

So then after dinner, I’m ready to just go home. He talks me into going bowling. I figured it’d be a good release of negative energy to throw a 10-pound ball down the lanes into some pins, so I agreed. Plus I was bored and wanted to see what crazy crap would come out of his mouth next.

Oh – incidentally… the ENTIRE NIGHT, his CrackBerry was out in front of us, and whenever it vibrated or beeped, he’d pick it up, text something, and put it down. This happened about every 5 minutes throughout the night. SO EFFING RUDE, GUYS. I don’t care how important you think you are, the first time you meet a new girl, put the damn thing away.

End of the night, post bowling (and post him rubbing my shoulders and making a grazing motion across my ass) he gave me a hug, kiss on the cheek, and I was done.

Next morning I get a text: Good Morning, Sunshine!

Okay, color me confused, but why the hell was this guy interested in someone he accused of being too loud, wearing “ghetto fabulous” earrings, who looked like she would be the kind of girl to date a black guy (as if he felt that would be a bad thing).

So I decide to have an IM conversation, again, mostly out of curiosity. He then goes on to start getting all sexual in the convo, and proceeds to tell me that if it’s “been a few weeks” he won’t hesitate to start making phone calls to get someone to come over and take care of the problem.

Uh.

Okay.

Now I’m done.

So I explain that I’m pretty happy not being a bar whore or a booty call, and he’d better get off the computer with me and on to making his important calls.

He tells me he was kidding. Riiiight.

I’m on the phone with him later on, as he’s trying to convince me to give him another chance, because he really likes me, blah blah, and I’m hearing all this rustling noise.

I ask him what he’s doing, he tells me “texting”.

AAAARGH!!!!

So I asked, “What the hell is that damn important, when you’re on the phone with someone, to text back?”

Are you ready for his answer? Don’t have any beverages in your mouth when you read this next line, okay?

“It was a buddy of mine who was looking for something and I’m sure you can guess what I’m talking about but anyway I told him where to get it.”

Yes, all in one breath like that.

I flipped out. “DRUGS!?! YOU’RE DOING A DAMN DRUG DEAL WHILE YOU’RE ON THE PHONE WITH ME!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? DUDE, YOU’RE SICK! I’M DONE, HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE, LOSER.”

He tried to call back after I hung up on him. I didn’t answer. What a fucking fruitcake!

And people wonder why women are choosing to be single mothers these days… people wonder!!!

Post from: Blisstree

Crazy First Date #77: Insulting CrackBerry Addict

Ok, this guy really brings out the weirdo in Darcie.

Sequence of events:
- The boxing instructor from my gym calls me (read yesterday’s post in fitdarcie.com). He tells me that because I am a Scorpio, I get very protective of my friends.
- I call Twyla, she tells me that someone pissed her off, which makes me very angry (apparently I make a good Scorpio).
- Dude From Bar and I watch 21, a movie about smart kids who count cards
- I fall asleep on the couch

So far, all sounds pretty normal. I should mention that we also polished off a bottle of wine. So I combined all the above in a dream where Twyla and I were playing poker and some guy (actually, it was the poker dealer we had in Vegas last week) stole some of her chips. Acting like a good Scorpio, I got angry. Then Dude From Bar nudges me to wake me up. I don’t fully wake up, instead, I start freaking out at him for stealing Twyla’s chips. Despite the fact that we are in MY apartment, I have no clue where I am. He’s got this look on his face like I’m a freaking retard. He says he has no clue what I am talking about. I shout “Where is he?!” He tells me he has no idea what I am talking about. I start frantically looking around my apartment for this mystery man.

Then I’m staring at him and I snap out of it and say “Seriously, I’m not crazy.”

I have no idea how I ended up at date 3 with this guy.

Darcie Vany

If you’d like to share your dating story, with or without your name attached, send us an email (you can find our links in the sidebar to the right)!

Post from: Blisstree

Darcie’s Dream Date?

Last week, my boyfriend and his dad drove up to visit a friend of his dad’s.  While there, they did some fishing.  When my boyfriend fishes, he called it “getting some religion.”  His dad, Don, lives down here, by me, in the next town over.  It’s kind of a funny coincidence, as it’s a very small town and none of us are originally from this area or lived in this area when Steve and I were dating as teenagers. 

Anyway…. Steve asked his dad to deliver me some of the salmon he caught, as I love salmon.  He called me on Thursday and Friday to make sure that I had spoken with his dad.  For some reason, I felt very shy about calling him. I have not seen Don in about 24 years, a lot has happened in that time and well, I’m shy.  When Steve visits me, he usually will run up the hill and hang out with his dad for a couple of hours without me. 

Finally, I got up the nerve to call him and we talked about the fish.  Don said that it was frozen and he would bring it to me next week.  He called Steve, “Stevie.” Funny, because my boyfriend is this huge mountain of a man – not someone I’d think of as Stevie.  It was just another of those reminders that no matter how old you get, you are still somebody’s child.

Steve was so excited for me to get his fish.  He emailed me about it, he called me about it, he texted me about it.  At first I didn’t realize how excited that he was. I thought, oh his dad can have it, it’s okay.  Then, it hit me, duh!, he’s doing his man-thing.  He’s providing for me. 

I read so much about men and relationships and love and sex and………well, some of it is contradictory and confusing, but this fact remains the same – they do enjoy being The Man.  I’ve seen this before, when Steve cooks for us, he watches everybody as they eat.  He soaks up all our praise, which he gets a lot of because he’s an incredible cook. 

I grilled the salmon last night and it was fantastic.  Sarah and I “yummmmed,” every bite.  And then we called Steve to thank him again.  I very much appreciate my man.

Image credit – Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

My Boyfriend Is The Man

My boyfriend and I have been a couple for more than a year.  As I’ve mentioned before, we live in different states and haven’t been able to spend as much time together as we would like. In the beginning, things were a bit on the fast and furious side – we jumped from friends to being in love quickly. We wanted to figure out a way to live together, so he changed jobs, moved 3 hours in my direction, and I planned to join him there in a few months. The work situation didn’t go as planned – the plan to live together was shelved. 

Then, we went through a time where I was uncertain as to our status.  Were we still exclusive, were we still planning a future, were we even a couple? Communication was impossible. I waited it out – I was confused, but I did my best to be patient.  Eventually things felt “normal” again.

I asked him, the last time he was here, if he was still interested in a future with me.  He said yes, seemed surprised by my question.  I don’t know if it’s men and women who are so different in the way they relate or if it’s just me and Steve. 

Last night we had the longest serious conversation we’ve had in more months than I can count.  We talked about important stuff and chatty stuff and then more important stuff. I felt a connection that I haven’t felt in awhile. I felt as if we were a team again. It’s hard when I don’t know if I matter, if I figure into his plans at all.  He’s not big with the reassurance and I hate to appear or feel needy. He is sure of me and he assumes I am sure of him. We have a complicated past and I try not to let it figure into our present, but it’s impossible sometimes to ignore it.

Relationships, they are never easy, are they?  I see my friends struggling, those in relationships and those who are single.  We all strive for the loving relationship, while still trying to hold onto our independence, our sense of self.  When things were the roughest for Steve and I, everybody who loved me encouraged me to get out. I didn’t.  I thought about it, questioned my reasons for staying daily. I’m glad that I held on. I imagine we’ve got more in the way of complications and struggles ahead of us, but I feel better equipped to handle them next time. 

In the end I know this; I love Steve, Steve loves me, Steve and I love each other’s children. That’s the important stuff, right? And patience, it’s something I’m always going to have to work on. I find working without a timeline frustrating, but trying to force something is only going to lead to resentment for the both of us.

At some point we all have to decide what our personal deal breakers are.  What are the things we can and cannot live with or without? Are we going to give up when things get tough? If we do, what does this say about our ability to hang in there for the long haul?  It’s not always going to be easy.  Being a human, it’s tough, it’s challenging.  That ability to love, to make ourselves vulnerable to others, it can feel like a kick in the belly at times.  Happiness, true connection, just a little taste of the bliss, that makes it all worth it to me.  As long as I have hope, I can find a way to be more patience. 

Do you have a deal breaker?  What do you think about cutting and running in a relationship?  Do you function with a timeline?  A plan?  Did you ever give up on something and now wish you’d held on just a bit longer? 

Image credit – Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

My Personal Challenge: Love and Patience

I’ve never been much of a “serial dater” type. There have been times in my life where I’ve fallen hard and fast for someone, and other times where things took a while to get there. Hands down, the best relationships I’ve had were the ones that went slowly.

I know that I’ve posted here before that I really want kids. That will NEVER change for me. However my last relationship found me head over heels in love with a stupid man who was pretty sure he never wanted a wife OR children (because of his past with women, he was beyond gun-shy). Since that didn’t quite mesh with what I wanted, I couldn’t figure out why I stuck around, but I did.

I’ve learned that there are lots of people out there that I can not only get along with, but that I can form a true bond with. I’m quite the extrovert (if you couldn’t tell) and I really genuinely connect with so many different kinds of people, that it’s actually somewhat puzzling as to why I’ve made it to 31 unmarried (and even my guy friends think so).

I recently met this guy and he’s undeniably the sweetest guy I’ve ever gone out with. He’s the first and only guy to ever bring me any kind of flower on a date, but what made it even more sweet was that he picked out a single light pink rose because the florist had a list of what the rose colors meant, and he felt that the light pink one made the most sense. (As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts. – Proflowers.com) 

I did know from the beginning that he’s someone I really do want to get to know better. He’s younger than me by about 6 years, which did kind of make me a little nervous at first, but he’s honestly far more mature in so many ways than some men I’ve dated 5 or 6 years older than me.

The only thing I’ve had to reinforce for both of us (myself privately, and in conversation with him) is the need to take things reallllllly slow. I’m so wanting to fall deeply in love, and I don’t want that to jade my decisions of who to do that with. I don’t want him to want it so badly he overlooks things that have always been important to him either.

One of the hurdles we are working on overcoming is the fact that he works weekends, and always out of town. I work weekdays from home. While I can sometimes take a half day or what have you, there are plenty of times during the week where I have to stay home all day and night to get projects finished. So while he’s got 4 days of doing nothing all week, my time is scheduled pretty tightly. I don’t think it’s going to be a huge problem, but it does limit our together time in this whole “getting to know you” process. I don’t think that’s a bad thing – we fill space with phone calls and text messages – but it’s something we both need to get used to. (I’m not all that worried, in fact it makes this taking things slow thing a lot easier.)

I feel better about this process right from the start than I have about whole relationships in the past, so that’s a good thing. I like taking my time… it makes me feel like we’re both sharing the control aspect of things and we’re sharing the responsibility of learning patience and managing our emotions. It’s totally a GOOD thing.

How have you felt in the past about fast-moving relationships versus slow-moving ones? I know there are exceptions all around, and sometimes people meet, date, marry, and give birth in very short periods of time who wind up beyond happy in their lives. I’m not bashing that at all – I just know what works for me right now in this stage of my life. What works (or doesn’t work) for you?

(image: Lara Kulpa)

Post from: Blisstree

Taking your time is so important.