Just quickly to let you know that Marye & I are talking and working on things. She is tenacious, we had a long talk in a parked van on Saturday. She figured she had a captive audience.

We had our first Christian Counseling session yesterday and a coffee date afterward. Even after the counseling we are still on speaking terms. Nothing new, just the groundwork and our objectives.

Marye and I are committed to one another. That has not changed. It won’t change. As y’all know from reading our posts over the past eight months, we are committed and we are real.

Does that Make us Real Committed?

We have agreed to make progress and set small attainable goals for each of us to start off with. I am sure with the counselor there will be assignments and other goals to come.

So we are on this path, to travel to infinity & beyond, together.

Post from: Blisstree

As Were Were… to Where We Will Go.

This is difficult, though not as difficult as real life. I am sorry that I have not been as frequent here at MarriageActually as I should have been. This has been good, getting to know some of you as you would let us know you. To say that laying this down is easy is wrong. Doing this has been equally difficult as of late.

Things are not going well in Camelot. My armor is chinked and tarnished. And may need to be retired as well. I am no knight in shining armor and never have I proposed I was. It seems a horse of that white color that I have been unsteadily mounted needs to go out to pasture as well.

No, there is no Lancelot or Guinevere. No sordid affair. Nothing.

Unfortunately, as we have been transparent here on MA, we have had our marriage put under siege. Perhaps I have allowed it. I have heard that is was long ago. That is neither here nor there. It just is. I was under the delusion that things were better than they indeed are not. I remember that we have a great marriage. The best of anyone we know past or present. Except for one area. I presumed incorrectly and I apologize to you the readers here and mostly to Marye. For it is her that I have truly hurt and neglected. My idea of love is not the kind that makes up the fairy tales or any sort of romance novel. It is not hot, only a low simmer. But it has been steadfast and true. I have stumbled, tripped and fallen, but always gotten back up. I have not gone down for the count.

If this post seems self-centered and focused on Marc, it is. Because the failure of this chapter of Marrriage Actually and our marriage’s condition rests wholly on my shoulders.

I will miss posting, I wish it were different. Thank you for your continued prayers and support of Marye & I. I will miss y’all.

Blessings,

Post from: Blisstree

Fare Thee Well … Not Good-bye.

1. If you got something out. Put it away when you are through. That means in the correct place. Things had a orderly place to go. Toys in the basement toy shelf. Tools back in their place in the workbench. Bike in the shed or basement. Plates, food etc. were put in their place in the pantry. Your clothes in the dresser or closet if they were clean and in the clothes hamper if they were dirty.

2. Do what you have to do. Whether it was schoolwork or later work. You did it. And well, might I add. There wasn’t pressure to excel, but you wanted to do your best. Friends have mentioned either to me or I have heard indirectly that I have an incredible work ethic. My mom and dad, as well as my older brother have had an influence in that.

3. Help others as you are able to. Shovel their drive, mow their yard if they can’t. Stop and fix a flat for someone. And other ways as well. I grew up with several elderly neighbors and was taught to help them any way I could.

By the way we didn’t have the leave the room rule at home. Now in public it was different.

Those were the rules as I remember them at the Audet household back on Oak St. when I grew up, a long, long time ago.

Post from: Blisstree

Marc’s Rules, as I Remember Them

Did you ever have one of those George Bailey Christmases? You know, the ones where no matter how hard you tried everythng that could go wrong would go wrong?  The kind that left you, emotionally at least, on a snowy bridge with a bloody lip contemplating the murky, cold water below?

Last year was tough but I was busy being Clarence to other people so I didn’t get much of a chance to worry about it.  This year is a different story.  I, Pollyanna and Mary Poppins all rolled into one, am staying clear of the front rooms because the Christmas tree is in there AND I did not hang one ornament this year.  And I don’t want to either.

If you knew me that would pretty much put you on the phone with Bellvue immediately.

Houston…We have a problem.  Marye doesn’t believe in Santa this year.

Maybe I am finally growing up.  Accepting reality. Being practical.  Santa is for small children and silly women who need to get a life and learn to act their age.

Pollyanna is dead.  Long live June Cleaver . And if you see Clarence….hit him with his stupid book.

Image: public domain

Post from: Blisstree

Where in the Heck Is Clarence?

With the posts and comments on celibacy and the sexless marriage, let me ask this.   I already said this to Marye.  I love her, and can’t imagine life without her.

But what if I have absolutely no desire?

It is not that I don’t find her attractive.  Mr. Happy won’t get happy.  It has been more difficult.  Again, it isn’t her.  It isn’t any woman right now.  I don’t know if it is the medicines I’m on or my middle-agedness or I’m out of my mind.  It wasn’t this way in the past.  And this is really rocking the boat at home as you might imagine.

Our sex life has always been driven more by Marye, as she has a higher drive than me.   But now I don’t know what is going to happen.  It really sucks!   I’m pretty sure, before too long I’ll be in the MH clinic at the VA for this.

We have been through counseling about our sex life at the VA before and things were better for a while.  Then I got sick.

Question , comment and insults?

*Note from Marye…there had better not be any insults.

image:morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

The Flip Side on Living without Sex…

Today I totally went outside my comfort zone.  Every bit as much as Marc leaves his comfort zone when it comes to sex….maybe more so because  he does not hyperventilate and get nauseous and cry…

I bought a laptop….and a new camera.

Now, I just got the second half of the money for the cookbook I was contracted to write last summer.  Yes, there are other things that could be done with the money but my work does require me to be on computer a lot.  A laptop will allow me to be in the den when the family is there, or anywhere else..and when I am sitting for hours at the VA I can be working..The camera is also a necessary part of what I do. I use my own images on Baking Delights. It is important to the success of my blog that I have images.

But there is the whole part of me that can think of fifty other things the money could be spent on. Bills, savings….we are just now climbing out of a difficult financial time.

Marc thinks I am silly, and I think he gets a little frustrated at my inability to spend money. I am not cheap with other people..just myself.  I don’t like spending money but I don’t mind spending for necessary items for others..

Am I the only freak like this?

P.S….the laptop is ….red.

image:morguefile 

Post from: Blisstree

I Hate Spending Money!

One of the things that Marc and I agreed to when we took on this blog is that we would blog about anything and everything AND we would be transparent and real.  After all, there is nothing helpful about a perfect marriage.  We all need to look at marriages that aren’t perfect and work anyway!

So I have read your comments on Marc’s post with interest.   Actually I read Marc’s post with interest!

It is not commonly known that I am ADD.  I come across as being very organized because I have learned to compensate for it by having a schedule and sticking to it.  You see, back in the 60’s there was no such thing as ADD, just children who were disobedient.  You learned to compensate or you got swats.  Life was easy.

So, compensate I did, and I did it very well. I was the  type of homemaker that dusted the tops of the door frames monthly and always had a casserole in the freezer.  I could maintain the image of being somewhat perfect, and that was important to me.  I liked it.

Now my schedule is a joke.  We live in a 4300 square foot 100 year old  house that needs to be restored, and I am only finished with three rooms, and those not completely. Meals, which used ot consist of a main dish, two sides, and dessert are now often peanut butter sandwiches, spagetti with canned sauce or hotdogs.  My family almost did not know what store bought bread was…they know now.  I sewed, I spun wool (from our own sheep) into yarn and knitted it into mittens, I created glorious meals in a clean house…

When Marc lost his job because of his disability I was very blessed to begin writing.  And I was blessed more as more people read my work and liked it.  And more..and more..and more jobs….Pretty soon I had something I never wanted, a career.

So, we still homeschool 6 kids, I still have to cook, I still like my house to be clean..only now I have added a full time job to it.

My best stress release has always been prayer and sex.  More stress? More prayer.  More sex.  Spiritually charged and physically satiated I was able to get through anything.  What prayer and sex could not handleI was always able to talk to Marc about because he is my best friend.

Now…things are a little different.  Sex is really not an option very much.  I am high drive.  6 to 12 times a week is perfect.  Two times a month (maybe) is frustrating.

I can’t clean the house because I am working. With all the freelancing I am doing I work between 18 and 20 hours a day 6 days a week. I try to take Sundays off for church but often will have to knock out an article before church or between services.  Marc is doing some things but he spent 28 years not cleaning house, nor is he adept at supervising the kids chores which means that a bare minimum gets done (and the kids often do a less than acceptable job) and I am constantly in fear of the health department swooping down on the house and finding myself on the 10 o clock news.

School? He is doing better with the kids but..again, I have been homeschooling since 1989, he has only been doing it since March of this year.  The kids prefer my explanations and teachings..and he doesn’t really get everything done that I would do.  Putting them in school is not, and will not be an option.  We do not toss this information around either, but of our 8 kids, all of them have IQs in the 120-170 range, are gifted, and have learning disabilites of one sort or another..which adds to the work but it is important that they are given the opportunity to excel.  Our 16 year old is making straight A’s in college.

Add to that Marc not being able to drive.. so..I take the 16 year old to college 5 days a week and pick him up, he is also doing drivers ed…so that is on the agenda..there and back 5 days..  Drive everyone to various activities, have to shop and do all the wife things, take Marc to VA appointments several times a month…and keep up with my deadlines.  I do not have a laptop, nor can I afford one.  I write, on an average four to six  300-500 word posts a day, plus two 1,000 word articles per day.  Add images, recipes and cooking that I do for Baking Delights, research….

Then there is the finances and bills… I took those over when Marc got sick because sometimes his medications make him flakey.

Again, I have 18 to 20 hour days.

Am I whining? Not really.  It is what it is.  I would rather go through all of this with Marc than have a perfect life without him

BUT, because of the issues there are things I cannot talk to him about because they would be hurtful.  He knows that. I have discussed that with him.  I have no one that I can really talk to about all of this in detail because noone really knows what to say. I get that. It is o..k.

God is taking me through something hard.  And He is taking me through alone.  And I am very lonely.  Very lonely.

I battle with my mind. Having a high sex drive (and yes this is one of the biggest issues because of the physical and emotional discomfort involved) I battle wth fantasies and temptations.  Marc knows that too.   I can’t exactly pour out my heart to him about those things, now can I?

SO sometimes, I just need to be quiet so that I don’t say something that will add to the stress, hurt, pain, and  frustration that we are all ready going through.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My eyes would fill up with tears and I couldn’t do anythign to control it…I can’t leave home and get away because I am needed to do the driving…even if I could get my work together enough to take a day off.

Sometimes I feel trapped.  Sometimes I would really like my life to be all about me.  Does that seem selfish and unspiritual? I told you I want this blog to be on the edge transparent and real.  I think that as an almost 50 year old married woman I should not have to take care of myself sexually, so to speak.  It… is… not… fair.

So there you have it.  Transparancy.

Image:marye audet

Post from: Blisstree

Huh-UH!

Going out in public with a large family is a big challenge, and full of both irritating and humorous moments.  Not from the kids, you  understand but from the adults that have a tendency to be rude.

I have a strong sense of boundaries and personal space, maybe because I was an only child. I have found that people don’t always share my idea of propriety and some cultures are worse than others in our area.

The funniest thing that people have said to me (in my opinion) is, “Wow! You look GREAT for having EIGHT kids!”

I always say thanks but I want  to say, “What?I look crappy if I had only had two?”

The worst thing was when a woman came up to me and berated me in front of the kids for causing a drain on the tax system and messing up the environment.

As far as the environment went she should have done a quick breath check…I am pretty sure that a little mouthwash would have brought the local air quality index down several points..

and we are not on any social programs so I don’t know what was up with that.

People generally want to know how  we ended up with eight kids.  I am pretty sure they all ready know the method we used so I am guessing that they want to know why.  Why did we want a big family? The quick version is that Marc and I are both overachievers.

You see, we were told that we would not ever be able to have kids.  I had gotten a pretty serious infection in a military hospital that turned into Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.  Everytime I went in to a doctor complaining about pain and cramping they would give me a midol and tell me to go use a heating pad.  This went on for almost a year.

One day I felt really lousy.  Marc and I had been married about eight months and were living in San Angelo, Tx. while he attended classes at Goodfellow AFB.  I was running fever but hey I was an adult, right? I continued through my day. Marc had CQ duties that night and would be gone all night.

I started to feel cold and could not stop shivering.  I had the heat up as high as it would go and was shaking so hard  my teeth rattled.  All of a sudden I knew I had to call someone to take me into the hospital.  It was a good  thing. I almost died.

After 6 weeks in the hospital on IV antibitotics I got to come home and was given the news that my uterus and tubes were a mess of scar tissue  and if I ever managed to get pregnant (unlikely) it would certainly be a tubal. There was no way I would carry until full term.

Well, several months later, much to the shock of the medical community I was pregnant with Erin, our first.  She was followed by a baby that we lost, which was followed pretty quickly by Chris.  By this time we had the idea that maybe there was something the doctors didn’t know.

After Chris was born in 1985 we had a 7 year period with no babies.  I am not totally sure why, but I think it had something to do with God knowing that Chris was going ot be a handful and I would need a break before the next one.  Matthew was born in 1992, followed by Ethan in 1993, Shiloh in 1996, Sean in 1998, Nick in 2000, a miscarriage in August of 2002, and Kyrie in July of 2003.  It looks like we may be done, but who knows?

Now, why didn’t we use birth control? It really is not a religious conviction, we are not Catholic or Mormon.  How do I explain this? Hmmm…

We wanted children.  Not necessarily a small nation but some kids.

We were told we could not have any.  That awful “I” word…infertility.

We did the next thing; prayer.  You know, if you ask God for money you are not going to say, “WHOA! God, thanks for the thousand bucks..but no more for me!”

I guess it was the same thing.  Because we had to get a “special dispensation” to have kids we didn’t feel right about taking the control back into our own hands.

Most of my friends are empty nesters or close to it.  They have time to read books, go out to eat, and do things that adults do, and sometimes I am a little jealous..I will be  honest.  There are times that I think if we had stopped after Chris we would have the house to ourselves and I could wear the French Maid outfit all day long…

But just about the time I am thinking that Matt will start talking to me about something he found interesting at college or play the song he just wrote.  Or Ethan will say something absolutely hilarious…or the aroma of cookies will waft from the kitchen and I will know Shiloh is baking…or I will hear Sean reading his Bible to Nick and Kyrie, or Nick will draw me a picture or Kyrie will give me a hug and tell me that she is my pet elephant today.

So, I think eight is probably enough…but we’ll see.

Did you read all the way to the bottom of this thing? WOW! You deserve some kind of reward…hmmm…let’s see…

Oh yeah!

The winner has been chosen for this prize and comments have been closed.

This is a blogtoberfest sponsored post.  There is a secret prize attached! For a chance to win it leave a comment, that’s all you have to do.  In a few days (maybe a week, it’s up to me) a name will be drawn from the comments and if it is yours…you win!!!

You can find more sponsored posts today at the following blogs:

You also have lots of chances to win great Blogtoberfest prizes! Today, October 9, your chances (and prizes) are hiding at the following blogs: blog fabulous, hankering for yarn, junk creation, unplugged living, my crime space, play library, she knows parties, suppernanny rules, the food bowl
.. Visit them all and leave a comment — you may win even more!

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Eight is (Probably) Enough

I remember it in the early part of our relationship and the first years of our marriage.  Now I have prescription drugs & can’t go for a roll…  Marye & I have had problems with sex in our marriage.   Marye’s problem was I didn’t desire to have sex more than once or twice a month.  My problem was I had serious hangups with sex.   I grew up with the French Catholic mother.  She told me how sex was dirty, and wrong.  It was something like “Don’t let anyone mess with you sexually, or it might turn black & fall off!”  Okay, the last phrase may have never been spoken, but something bad would happen.  To a teenage boy in the 1970’s, that would be really bad!

I didn’t think I had a problem.  But I had become a “refuser.”  It wasn’t like I was trying to hurt her and it wasn’t intentional.  I just thought more than twice a month was not normal.  It caused alot of emotional pain for Marye.  She ended up thinking she wasn’t attractive, when the truth is she is drop dead gorgeous.  It scarred her self esteem, and more.

Marye had sought counsel from Pastors and their wives.  It was like “do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight.”  Keep the house cleaner.   Make sure you were beautiful when Marc gets home  after work.  No, WRONG!  This only caused more hurt, because it didn’t work.

About 3 1/2 years ago, Marye had enough and the problems with our sex life were the biggest in our marriage, ever.  We had a great marriage.   Our oldest two kids felt they could never have as good a marriage as us.  But this was exploding into late into the night, confrontational, intense conversation.  We were both on the edge constantly.  I didn’t know if we would have a blow up or the cold shoulder when I got home.   We got professional counseling for six months every Monday morning at 10:00 am.  Those were very emotional times and I was forced to come out of my comfort zone.   From having normal conversations with Marye about sex to talking dirty to her.  We found an agreeable compromise for how often we were going to make love.  And we were working things out.

Life was good!  That changed around June 30th 2007.  My health changed and I was in incredible pain.  I also became suicidally depressed a few months later.    I had gone from the best physical shape in my life to dependent on crutches and a wheelchair.

Did I mention I lost my driving privilege, and became more and more dependent on Marye?  Then came the prescription drugs.  Then the side effects of the medicines crippled my libido.  I also get so exhausted that I drop off to sleep.  This has been difficult,  I want to but alot of times I can’t. I try not to get frustrated, but it isn’t what I have in my mind.  most evenings I pass out when I put my two youngest sons to bed at night.  I can’t be woken up, from what Matthew and Marye tell me the next morning after we get up to face the new day.

I look forward to us some day having our sex life back.  The doctors have to figure out what is wrong with me medically.   And then treat it in such a way it doesn’t destroy our love life.

This is not the way I want it to be.

Bring me to the new days of Sex, Blogs, & Lock and Load.

Image:Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Remember Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll?

We have been writing here for two months now.  It hardly seems possible. Marc and I have enjoyed getting to know some of you and I hope you have enjoyed getting to know us!

I want to encourage you to leave comments.  It does several things.

1. Leaving comments allows us to get to know our readers
2. It helps us refine the blog to write about the issues more important to you
3. It makes us feel loved
4. It makes us look good to Gayla, our Channel Editor.  

The top five posts for September were:

1. 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire 
2. What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate
3. Marriage and Divorce Statistics, the Barna Group
4. For Richer or For Poorer
5. Arguments and Heart Health

Our Poll asked how long you had been married and there was a tie between 26 to 35 years and 11 to 15 years.  Yay YOU! Lots of long term, stable relationships here!  The cool thing was that one of our readers has been married for over 50 years!  Very cool.

A new poll will be going up soon.

Blogtoberfest is coming up.  Just click on the button on the sidebar to read about it.  Lots of cool prizes!

Stay tuned..we have lots of new things planned for October!

Image: Morguefile

Post from: Blisstree

Marriage Actually Buzz for October First