He is asking YOU to share your stories, share your concerns or worries, share your wisdom, no matter how you came by it.

As adoptive parents, as adoptive children, as first parents…we have different stories. Please tell them. They are just as precious and they should be heard too.

Post from: Blisstree

Dear Mom,

We have court tomorrow at 9:30. All of our papers seem in order and T and H are hopeful that things will go well.

We got passport pictures yesterday and are our plane tickets so it seems like we are on schedule to fly out Tuesday evening.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It has meant the WORLD to us to know that you all care and are looking out for us. Going into this process was hard enough, but knowing that we have friends, most whom we have never met, is worth its weight in gold…or should I say rubles?

Finally going to court!

Post from: Blisstree

Court, Again

Things are looking slightly better now that we have underwear…or should I say smelling???

For those of you who have not caught the Curse Part 1, 2, and 3…we just got our luggage today, were denied our adoption yesterday, and have pretty much had a miserable trip…except that we have had a wonderful time visiting with our beautiful son.

The update on the court proceedings: We were able to get a hold of our doctors back at home and within twenty minutes they faxed a handwritten document detailing that they were able to provide medical judgments regarding our health in all areas including cardiology, psychological, etc. Here in Russia no one sees a general practitioner and our judge could not understand that. We also obtained a letter from our social worker outlining the process in the US. Additionally, we had my doctors medical license re- translated to read that she is licensed to prescribe medicine, not that she is an alcohol and drug doctor, as it originally read.

So, we go back to court on Monday at 10 am. for the judges final decree. With all of these documents in order, we believe that he does not have an opportunity to deny this. We believe that he was/is looking to make an example out of us given the current circumstances in the US.

Today we took AJ to get his passport picture and he had his first car ride. He learned to play in puddles and drink from a sippy cup. He loves the sippy and loves just having it in his mouth. We hope to get custody on Monday after court, but it may be Tuesday before we fly to Moscow.

We will be in a mad rush on Monday getting his birth certificate, his adoption decree, and his passport so that we can leave on Tuesday afternoon for Moscow. All in all, we need to get to Moscow to get to the embassy so we don’t miss our flight out on Friday. (We will make sure to pack all we need in our carry on, don’t worry!)

Post from: Blisstree

The Curse

Well, it looks like we are officially the first family to EVER be
DENIED in the region of Arkhangelsk, if only temporarily. We did
not get our adoption granted today as we had hoped.

The judge was very specific about our medical records and wanted verification on our physicians licenses’ as well as their ability to evaluate medical conditions such as psychological conditions and drug or alcohol additions as general practitioners. Additionally, he
was very concerned that my doctor had a medical license for “controlled substances”, which by our understanding is that she can prescribe medication.

So, we have to obtain letters from our doctors back in the US by 10 am Monday in order to be approved.

Other than that…things are ok. We still have no luggage but our underwear dried quickly.

AJ loves spending time with us and just lights up when we go to pick him up. We had a blast today on the swing and the teeter-totter. He loves to walk, walk, walk.

The director of the orphanage said that after we visited him the first time his personality completely changed. He went from a sullen child who never smiled to one who smiled, played, and had fun…like he had something to live for. It was nice to hear that such a short time spent with us could have an effect on him. She also said that after we left his confidence skyrocketed and he started to walk and climb like crazy.

We go tomorrow to get his passport picture. I would love to send some pictures but I don’t have the adapter because it is in the luggage. I will send some if we get it in time.

Sorry this is such as downer of a week and not much fun to read, but I know you all want to know what is happening. Please keep us in your prayers…it looks like we need it (and some kleenex, but that is in the luggage too!)

Love,
Marcie and Eric

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption Denied…is This Real?

The summer of 2005 was very trying in regards to Russian adoptions, as Peggy Hilt had just murdered her youngest daughter (and I mean just).  We packed our bags knowing that we NEEDED extra prayers to get through customs as potential adoptive parents and knowing we would be scrutinized every step of the way.

To put it bluntly, our second adoption trip was absolute hell and I would never, in any lifetime, wish it upon anyone. If it could go wrong it did and I was just too plain worn out and tired to break down and cry (until, of course, AJ started beating on my head in airport security).

The only good thing to come out of that trip was that we finally and better later than never, brought our son home with us.

Post from: Blisstree

Leaving…

However, if one looks at this fabulous list of adoptees, adoptive parents, and, yes, orphans, one will see that no matter where they came from or whom they were raised by, they are extraordinary people.

Is that nature vs. nurture?

Adoptees

Michael Reagan (Ronald Reagan’s Son)

Nancy Reagan (First Lady- step-parent adoption)

Gerald Ford (step-parent adoption)

Eleanor Roosevelt (raised by grandmother)

William Clinton (step-parent adoption)

Herbert Hoover (raised by uncles)

Andrew Jackson (lost parents at 14, no adoption)

Adoptive Parents

Ronald Reagan

Famous Politicians

Jesse Jackson

John Hancock

Malcolm X

Sen Paull H Shin

Sen Robert Byrd

Birthparents

Strom Thurmond

Adoptive Parents

Senator Jesse Helms

Senator John McCain

Senator Lloyd Bensten

Senator Paul Simon

Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson

William Delahunt

For more President’s Day Postings:

Blog Fabulous is Shaking Clinton’s Hand (which one? Read the post)

All Holiday Cafe has some great Educational ideas for kids out of school today.

Guerilla Parenting has a Month Rich in History Lessons

Post from: Blisstree

US Politicians (and Presidents) and the Adoption Connection

According to a BBC report, a group of ‘charity workers’ located in Chad were arrested on the tarmark of the airport with an airplane full of about 103 children. The group denies they planned to sell the children for adoption, instead claiming they were sending them to ‘host families’ at a nice price of 2,400 euros (US$3,450) each. The group also claimed the children were from Darfur, Sudan and they were rescuing them from their ‘war torn lives’. It turns out many of the children were from Chad and not without families.

Apparently Guatemala is not the only place that children are seen as commodities.

Since the Vietnam War and Operation Babylift children have been ripped from their mothers arms so that the media can use adoption as the do-gooders mission and even that is wrong in all aspects of life. But since adoption has become the “mod” thing to do (note: Angelina, Madonna) it is also becoming the thing we do for orphans. Instead of “feeding the starving kids in Ethiopia” like we did in the 80’s we are now adopting them into our own homes and “saving” them because its “cool” (of course I am being flippant but some part of me and even the media sees it this way, as more and more celebrities are jumping on that bandwagon).

But, are internationally adopted children all orphans?

According to the New York Times, many children in the international systems often have living family members, as do both of mine. The issue with having living family members and being eligible for adoption is that birth parents can be unable or unwilling to take care of the children, thus making the children look like orphans in the system. And, obviously, children like these have living parents and should never have been taken from them.

But is it right to take children from their natural country, even as adoptive parents?

I believe that adopting children for the sake of “saving” them is wrong. What parent would really truly love their child if the only reason for adopting them was to “save” them from the “hardships” of growing up in countries like Chad or Ethiopia? Does it actually mean that this child will be better off living in suburbia drinking Diet Coke and eating Cheetos?

But when it comes down to a child’s best interests is it about the country in which they live or is about having parents that love them and a family that comforts them?  Now, I know all too well that love does not make an adoption work because my son’s problems were real. We have struggled from the day we met him to build a family but I would bet my life that he would chose family over an institution life any day.

Was taking him from Russia in his best interest? Personally, I think yes. Do we try to take the Russia out of him? Never.

Post from: Blisstree

Has Adoption Become “Child Trafficking?”

According to the US Embassy the following list items are not legal requirements but administrative guidelines but local agencies should follow them.

• The adoptive parents must be eligible to adopt under the laws of their country or state of residence.
• Single parents are not eligible.
• The couple should be married for at least three years and be between the ages of 25 and 44.  Korean authorities usually require that both adoptive parents in overseas adoptions be younger than 45 years old; however, they may make exceptions in some cases. The following three factors, while unofficial and applied differently from case to case, may be considered when making exceptions to the age limit:

  1. At least one parent is under 45
  2. The adoptive parents have previously adopted a Korean orphan
  3. The parents are willing to adopt an orphan with serious medical problems

• The adoptive couple should have no more than five children. This number includes the child or children to be adopted
• The couple should not have an age difference of more than 15 years
• The income of the adoptive couple should be higher than the national average of their country and sufficient to raise the child.

RESIDENCY REQUIREMENTS: Parents living in US don’t need residency in Korea to adopt a child from Korea.  They only need to contact one of US adoption agencies affiliated with Korean adoption agencies authorized by Korean government.

TIME FRAME: The period of time between when a couple begins pre-adoption processing and when the child arrives in the United States is anywhere between one and four years.  This time frame includes the total timing for processing in the U.S. and in Korea.  In the U.S., the adoptive parents should have an Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petiton (I-600A) filed and approved by the Department of Homeland Security.  Please see “U.S. Immigration Requirements” below for more information on the I-600A.  Following approval of the I-600A, processing time in Korea will be about 5 to 6 months.  Effective January 1, 2007, Korean law will require a five-month waiting period before an infant orphan can be considered for intercountry adoption.  This new requirement, however, is not expected to lengthen adoptive parents’ overall waiting time.

ADOPTION FEES:  According to the Korean Ministry of Health and Social Welfare and Korean adoption agencies, the total cost is between $9,500 and $10,000.  This includes:

• Child care fees (including payment for foster mother)
• Medical expenses
• Legal processing fees
• Administrative fees
• Social worker payment and counseling fees
• Post adoption service fee

For More information see AdoptKorea

Post from: Blisstree

Country Requirements: Korea

I asked everyone I knew to let me into their parenting club…to reveal their sleep secrets and their tricks to the sleep trade and some did…others just told me to “wait it out” or Ferberize him because he’ll eventually come around and get used to it. Well, adoptive parents, it just does not work that way in our line of parenting.

Unfortunately we can’t follow the “normal” parenting rules when it comes to sleep because night time is when our children can be the most vulnerable and scared.

So, what are the basics? Well, all children need help learning to fall asleep, stay asleep, and learning to self soothe if they wake during the night, as we won’t always be there for them.

Some Helpful Tips from the Experts

1. Set a Bedtime and Keep it: The key things that parents can do to help their children get to sleep is to have a set bedtime (preferably between 7:30 and 8:30), a consistent and soothing bedtime routine, and have their child fall asleep on his/her own. Respectfully, I don’t agree with this portion of Dr. Jodi Mindell’s advice because so many of our children have separation anxiety, nighttime trauma, or grief. However, using pictures like Susan Ward did can be a tremendous help in establishing routines early on.

2. Co-Sleep

3. Sleep in the child’s room if you want to keep the child in a crib (on a mattress) or move the crib into your bedroom so that it is next to your bedroom.

4. Build healthy sleep habits. ie: Don’t start bad habits like getting in the car and driving your child around unless you want to be doing this for the next 10 years.

5. If your toddler or older child is still waking for night feedings make sure to give them a protein snack before bed.

6. If your child suffers from Sensory Integration Dysfunction, use items like weighted blankets, tight fitted pajamas, tagless clothing, soft (not scratchy) blankets, vibrating stuffed animals for calming, heated animals, and white noise. Additionally, make sure children with SPD get enough exercise during the day but are able to calm before bed.

7. If waking in the night is the issue experts say to help them learn to self soothe by speaking calming to them but do not move them or touch them. We used to rock AJ back to sleep (Once he learned to tolerate the rocking motion) and he learned to associate this with falling asleep and would NEED this to fall asleep. However, contrary to this, very newly adopted children NEED to know that their needs will always be met and need to know that you will come to them when they cry or call for you. So go…and comfort them. Use your instincts. If your child reaches to you and wants to me held, hold him.

8. Adjust lighting. Many children from institutions like AJ’s have Post Traumatic Stress (like AJ does) and have fears of lights or shadows or the dark. AJ is a little finicky in that he fluctuates between light and dark. He does not like a night light on but sleeps only in pure darkness during the day. At night he wants the hall light on but will wake in the morning at the first peek of light. I think some of it comes from the issue of the White Nights he experienced in Arkhangelsk and the heavy black-out shades they used.

9. Don’t rule out medications, doctors, or attachment therapists to help you. We have used all three with AJ and all three have helped. And, don’t be scared to seek treatment when you know you are facing a problem. The sooner you get help the better everyone in the house sleeps and the better everyone functions.

Post from: Blisstree

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

Upon returning home the wait begins to return to bring your child home. But what are you supposed to do for 6 months? 8 months? 10 months? Most parents who are expecting know that they are going to a hospital on said day, giving birth to an infant, and bringing the infant home several days later. Adoptive parents, however, can assume nothing. Sure, we may have a referral for a child of a particular gender from a specific country but the time frame for bringing that child home is completely unknown. And what is more difficult is that even if we know the age of the child we are bringing home their size and their development may not match their age.

Waiting can be VERY difficult for some parents, especially those who are adopting the first time. I know that the wait to bring home our first son seemed much more difficult than this one because I did not have a little one to keep my mind active. I had 90 middle school kids pestering me for 15 hours a day but it certainly was not the same.

There are plenty of things to keep adoptive couples busy during the wait time, no matter how short or lengthy it may get.

Prepare the Home

1. Prepare the home by baby-proofing. Include items like the Outlet Cover, Gates, Drawer and Cabinet Locks, Door Knob Covers (a MUST HAVE on almost EVERY Door), TV Guards for the Adventurous Toddler, and Cord Wind-ups for Blinds.

Look at everything from a toddler/baby point of view. Get down on your hands and knees and try to open every door, every cabinet, every window, every toilet. If you can see chemicals, dangerous items, or can open anything that you would not want your toddler getting into…baby-proof it (or just have a friend’s toddler come test it) Remember that if you are adopting a child from an international country they will not be speaking your language and will not understand you quickly enough to stop doing something dangerous. Baby-proofing will be imperative to both your sanity and your babies health.

2. Additionally, remove any and all clutter/knick-knacks that your child can get into and break. Many children will investigate everything (very impulsively) and research has shown that low stimulation, and basic surroundings are best at first. Remember that many of these children are coming from either institutions or foster homes that have bare surroundings.

Register for a Shower

3. A shower can be one of the most exciting things that a couple can have when expecting a child. However, it can also be difficult when adopting, as many people feel that it should happen AFTER the child comes home. In my opinion, this can be very difficult because once the child comes home the parent’s focus is on the child and getting the child to adapt to his.her surroundings. Many parents “hibernate” for attachment reasons, thus making a shower even more difficult after returning home.

Nonetheless, parents can register at Pottery Barn Kids, Target, Babies R Us, and even places like The Land of Nod .

Medical and Childcare

4. Add your future child to your health insurance policy

5. Adjust your life insurance policy or your income tax withholding,

6. If necessary, choose a pediatrician, making sure to interview several,

7. Find out how to enroll your child in his or her new school or daycare,

8. Find several local sitters to provide you some much needed respite when you need to run to the store or have a doctor’s appointment.

9. Take a CPR class (if not already required by your homestudy)

10. Don’t forget to get your immunizations if you need them.

Prepare your Adoption Announcements

11. This may sound a little tedious and a tad funny, but do the research now so that you know exactly what cards you are ordering (or making) and have it ready to go. You WILL be exhausted when you return home and people will probably expect an announcement. You usually want to see a baby announcement within the first month, right? Check out Hip, Modern Birth Announcements & Other Baby Stationery! (they do have adoption announcements), Classy Announcements, Photo Innovations, Stork Avenue, and my absolute favorite…2peas1pod.

2peas1pod even lets you pre-order and gives you a 10% discount…they send you the envelopes to pre-address while you are waiting.

Clean (you will never get it done again!)

12. Clean out old closets, the garage, cabinets, the refrigerator, and even have the carpets and furniture cleaned if you want (we didn’t have the furniture done but we were sure glad the carpets were done because AJ was all over it!)

13. Donate what you have not used, pitch what can’t be donated, or host a garage sale to raise money for the adoption. You won’t believe how much you will accumulate in the next few years.

Cook

14. Prepare and freeze some non-perishable dinners (or head to places like Super Suppers and have them help you may some fabulous dinners for when you come home.

Read

15. Don’t keep your head in the dark. Read up on the potential challenges you may face with attachment, medical issues, sensory integration, developmental delays, etc. And, read up on the many joys of adoption as well. I will post a list of recommended reading later this week.

Decorate the Baby Room

16. By the time you read this you probably know the gender of your child…so go ahead…decorate that special room. Take your time and make it absolutely perfect. But, remember my tip from Dr. Federici and keep it simple.

History

17. Track down and purchase copies of local and national newspapers and magazines published the day and week of your child’s birthday.

18. Start a scrapbook, otherwise known as a Lifebook, for your child. Track down information on his/her birth place, orphanage or place of foster care, etc.

Shop
19. One of the best things I did when waiting for AJ (and I have already started doing this for the Bebe) is shopping! I hit ONLY the best of the best sales and shop ONLY in sizes I think he may be in when he comes home. ie: I just recently purchased about 10 winter items from Gymboree for under $50. And, I got an entire outfit (pants, shirt, and sweater) for $5 at Target.

20. Shop garage sales if you wait during the summer and stock up on travel clothing. We actually purchased several outfits for our Russia trip and had no problem throwing away soiled clothes that we purchased for $.25.

Take Time

21. Take time for yourselves. As much as you can…take a vacation to somewhere you have never been and enjoy it.

22. Eat out if you can afford it, don’t just order in.

23. Spend time with friends and make sure they know you don’t want to lose touch with them.

24. Get TIVO…it will save your life.

25. RELAX.

26. And, for my Guatemala Trip friends here is a link on how to knit a full body suit while you are waiting.

What tips do you have if you are waiting (or have waited)?

Post from: Blisstree

25 Things to do while you wait…