Image: Flickr applescruff

If you and an ex have decided that you want to try dating again, I want to recommend some important ideas to think about.  I can’t tell if you if getting back together is a good or bad decision, but I can tell you to think about and discuss these topics very seriously to avoid putting yourself in another painful situation.

• Remember why you broke up. It might sound obvious, but think about what caused you to break up and figure out if you have solved any of the serious issues.  Couple who still love each other break up because there is an unresolvable situation that keeps them from moving forward together.  If the situation is still unresolved, that is a serious problem.

• Loving each other is not enough.  A brief break-up and then jumping back into a relationship usually occurs because the two involved miss each other and don’t want to deal with the pain of separating.  Two people can be madly in love and miss each other every second they are apart, but still be unable to make a relationship work.  Love is important (obviously) but it’s not everything.  Make sure you address the other issues that exist in your relationship.

• It’s extremely difficult, but okay, to be alone.  Don’t let yourself fall back into a failed relationship because you don’t like being alone.  We all know that life is MUCH harder when you are out there on your own without a loving partner to come home to every night, but being alone is healthy and strengthening.  I have to admit that I have fallen into this trap many times and I only wish that I would have taken the time to notice it before the situation got out of control.

• You might not meet someone else right away.  Don’t go back to an old boyfriend because you “couldn’t find anyone else.”  There are a million fish in the sea and it takes a long time to sort through all of the fish.  Also, if you just got out of this relationship then you probably weren’t in a position to properly evaluate your new prospects.

• Be honest with yourself about your decision. Get in touch with your insecurities and your desires and try to figure out the real reason why you’re getting back together.  It might be extremely hard to figure this out when you’re so deep in the situation, so talk to the people in your life who know and love you and ask for their honest opinions.

I am definitely not saying that getting back together with a serious boyfriend of the past is an impossible situation, but I am saying that it is tricky and it’s good to be aware of potential problems before they occur.  Breaking up with someone you love is extremely hard the first time, and could be even more difficult the second time.  Take care of yourself by being careful not to put yourself in a situation that could cause more pain than long term happiness.

Post from: Blisstree

How To Be Smart When Getting Back Together

I just read the most amazing advice from the fabulous Dr. Phil about “How to Fight Fair.”  I strongly advise every couple to read these tips and discuss them together so you can use fights to solve problems in your relationship instead of making problems worse.  Here is my advice for how to fight, inspired by the Dr. Phil article:

• Keep it private. Don’t fight in public or in front of family and friends (especially your children).  It is unnecessary and makes other feel uncomfortable.  You also don’t need to hear advice or judgments about your fights from others…it will be easier to resolve if you keep it private.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old issues that you already resolved or situations that occurred a long time ago.  Discuss what is happening now and move on from the past.  When you are angry it is definitely tempting to throw everything out there that has ever angered you in the relationship, but that will only make the situation regress.

• Don’t be mean. Hurtful comments can linger for a long time.  Don’t let yourself get so angry that you resort to attacking the other person with hurtful and mean words.  Be mature and reasonable and don’t let your emotions so quickly that they get out of hand.

• Remain task-oriented. If you don’t know what the point of your argument is, then you don’t need to be fighting.  Don’t start a fight unless you know what your goal is.  Remember what you want to accomplish and stick to it instead of letting other issues get in the way.

• Accept and respect apologies. Don’t get so caught up in the argument that you don’t listen when your partner gives in or apologizes.  You don’t need to keep hammering away at the same issue if you have reached a resolution.  Be thankful and respectful for their apology because we all know that it’s difficult to admit that we’re wrong or that we need to change.  The important thing to remember is that your purpose is to resolve an issue, so stop when you have achieved this.

• Be proportional with your intensity. Don’t blow the situation out of proportion just because the argument elevates.  Remember the issue that you are discussing and treat it accordingly.  If a small issue is “the straw that broke the camel’s back” then you need to explain the bigger issue so your boyfriend isn’t caught completely off-guard by a blowout over a small disagreement.

• Be in touch with the other person’s emotions. Don’t get so caught up in arguing that you don’t realize when your partner is getting hurt by your words.  The issue could be extremely difficult for them to discuss and you need to remember that the argument involves their emotions as well as yours.  Sometimes you get so caught up in defending your situation and proving your point that you forget that the person who you love on the opposite side of the argument could be getting their feelings significantly damaged.

Reference: Relationships/Sex: “How To Fight Fair” on DrPhil.com

Image: Ed Yourdon on Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

How To Fight With Your Partner

If you are thinking about getting a dog as a couple, there are many questions that you should consider first.  This is similar to adopting a child, so you need to take the situation extremely seriously.  If you walk by a pet store and see a cute puppy that you really really want to take home, don’t do it!  You are an adult and must make mature and practical decisions.  This is a 12-15 year commitment!  The picture that you have in your head of you, your boyfriend, and that cute Labradoodle puppy in a photo on your fridge is not quite accurate.  A new dog takes a lot of care, attention, knowledge, and patience and can be a huge strain on a relationship.

• Who owns the dog?  Does it belong to one of you or both of you? If you’re not married then you have to be realistic about the fact that you might break up.  You don’t want to fight over the dog or share custody, so I suggest having the dog belong to one person in the relationship.  That one person will be the main caretaker of the dog and this will solve issues of responsibility and payment when issues arise.

• What will you do when you go out of town? Young people travel and stay out late a lot more often than families.  If you adopt a dog you can no longer make last minute decisions to leave town or spend the night out.  You always need to think about your dog sitting at home waiting for you.

• Do you have experience training a dog? If you get a puppy you will need to take classes or do research to understand how to train your dog to be well-behaved.  It is extremely difficult to resolve behavioral issues later in the dog’s life, so address issues properly when they are young.

• Where will the dog sleep? You and your boyfriend might have different ideas about this.  If the dog is sleeping in your bed that will definitely affect your sex life and your nighttime routine.

• Why do you want a dog? Are you using a dog to try to heal problems in your relationship or make your boyfriend feel more attached to you?  Think about this seriously!  You don’t want to take on the responsibility of an innocent animal’s life because you are trying to solve relationship problems.  A dog can only create new problems in a relationship and will not solve any.

Post from: Blisstree

My Boyfriend and I Want To Get a Dog

Everything…Ex* is written in a witty, colloquial, and organized style.  It is filled with short anecdotes, tons of pop culture references, and bullet points that break down the problems and solutions of the most common problems that the authors have witnessed in their studies of relationships, yet is still fun and easy to read.  And yes, I did say solutions!  I was extremely happy to see that Belle and Fiordaliso took strong stances on so many issues that could be debated and actually offered detailed proposals for dealing with ex-relationship challenges.  While I was reading Everything…Ex*, I really felt like I was getting educated and reliable advice from my inner circle of girlfriends…and they just happened to be professional psychotherapists.

Belle and Fiordaliso do a wonderful job of recognizing the complicated personal issues like feelings of abandonment, fear, a desire to please others and low self esteem that come to the surface when ending relationships.  The insightful way that they diagnose and offer antidotes to these personal insecurities can be extrapolated to address larger issues that may be causing problems in other areas of someone’s life.  These women really understand the deep underlying issues that can make it so devastatingly hard to deal with the end of a relationship.

If you are single and have an ex in your life, this book is a MUST READ.  If you are in any other situation, I still recommend this book because it has so much helpful information about diagnosing personal insecurities and finding ways to focus on yourself so that you can be happy and loving.  This fun little book is just spilling over with answers to why women feel the way that they do in so many situations.

You can visit the Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Ex* (*a former spouse, lover, fling or “friend”) website at Everything Ex to find out more about the authors and read their pop culture relationship blog.  The book is available online and in stores starting September 1.

Post from: Blisstree

Review: A Smart Book About Relationships

Once you get in the real world it is definitely much harder to meet girlfriends.  In college you have roommates and classes, but in the working world it’s much more awkward to make a connection with a new female.  I’ve heard from a lot of friends who move to a new city that the most difficult challenge is making girlfriends.  You can’t just go to a bar and pick one up….or can you?

Here are some tips for making girlfriends in a new place:

• Be friendly with people who have similar interests. Talk to the owner of your favorite boutique, the hostess at your favorite restaurant, or the woman who walks her dog at the same time as you every night.  Start a conversation and maybe you will start talking more often…

• Put aside judgments and pickiness.  You are not going to find someone exactly like your lifelong best friend right away…or maybe ever!  You might not think that the new girl you’ve been hanging out with has any potential for long-term friendship, but be open-minded and figure out how to enjoy each other’s company even if she’s not like your other friends.  Give her a chance!

• Ask for contact information of friends of friends.  Tell your friends where you’ve moved and maybe they will know someone who already lives in the area.  Ask them for their email or facebook information and contact them to get together for coffee.  The easiest way to make lots of friends is to get hooked into someone’s network!  It might seem awkward, but it’s a great way to meet someone.

• Take the lead on planning social events.  Maybe you don’t know anyone at your new office, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t send out an email to plan an after-work happy hour.  It’s a great way to introduce yourself and let everyone know that you’re interested in being social.

• Ask someone on a friend date!  There might be someone who you’ve met that you can see potential for real friendship, but you just haven’t crossed the boundaries into hanging out and calling/texting each other.  Just like dating, feel confident and make the first move!  Ask her if she wants to go shopping or invite her to an event that you’ve been wanting to go to.  You can even mention the awkwardness of asking someone on a “friend date” so she will understand where you are coming from.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

I’m Having Trouble Making New Girl Friends

Here are some simple questions to ask each other to determine your level of compatibility related to sharing space:

• Do you want a TV in the bedroom?
• Do you ever want to get a pet?
• Do you have a strong feeling about interior design decisions?
• Where do you like to skimp and splurge on furniture and household financial decisions?
• Do you like to paint interior walls or hang art on the walls?
• What purchases do you think we should split?
• Will you be having friends/family stay with us?
• Do you do your own laundry and how often?
• What should we do if there is an issue with the apartment?
• What TV programs do you need to watch?
• Do you save everything or do you feel comfortable throwing things away (pack rat vs. spring cleaning)?
• What is your early morning routine? (coffee, exercise, shower, etc.)
• What is your late night routine? (reading, quiet time, bath, etc.)
• How clean do you like to keep the apartment?
• How will we split household chores? (cleaning, garbage, dishes, etc.)
• Do you use any fragrances (perfume, cologne, candles, air freshener)?
• Do you allow people to wear shoes indoors?

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Questions To Ask Before Moving In Together

If you have been feeling this recent economic relationship strain, don’t worry because you are not alone.  I have been hearing about new and challenging issues from friends and family in all stages of relationships.  Here are some common challenges:

• We can’t afford to fly to visit each other anymore.
• I can’t move to a new city to be with him because I can’t find a job.
• I can’t afford to go out to the bars and pay for drinks.
• I can’t afford to take someone out to a dinner and a movie.
• We pooled our finances and it’s not enough to buy a place to live.
• We can’t afford to put on a wedding.
• We didn’t want both of us to have to work.
• I can’t afford an engagement ring.
• Now that we’re married, we don’t want to ask our parents for money.
• I lost my job and I need to just focus on myself.

All of these issues exist for many couples regardless of the economic recession.  But if you are one of the lucky few who only find yourself in these negative situations because of a fall in stock prices, my advice is:

• Patience. If your relationship is strong, then you can wait it out.  Maybe you have to pay rent or continue long distance for a couple more years than you had planned, but stay calm and remember what’s important in your life.  After you make it through these challenges, your relationship could be stronger than ever!
• Budget. There are ways to impress your date and provide for your family without spending tons of money.  Don’t push your budget because of other people.  Figure out what you can afford and live within your means.  Everyone is stretching their money right now, so don’t feel uncomfortable about holding back on things that you could have paid for a few years ago.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

The Economy is Affecting My Relationship

This abrupt and unexpected type of break-up can be the most emotionally crushing, but surprisingly with some time and mental control, can be one of the easiest to get over.  If you have just suffered from this experience, here are the steps to take to re-evaluate your view of the situation and find a way to pull yourself out of the depression that it may be causing you.

• Take care of yourself. You probably feel desperate, anxious, out of control, and like your whole world has just come crashing down around you.  Slow down, breathe, and realize that the world is still a wonderful place to live in.  Don’t punish yourself for what happened!  You deserve to be loved and you can start by loving yourself.

• Give yourself time. It is completely normal to feel sad and uncomfortable in your life now that you are alone.  Let yourself be sad for a little while.  It’s good to know that you are a human who can feel deeply and has the ability to care about someone.   Love yourself for being able to love someone else and accept that it will take time to move on and heal completely from this.

• Don’t try to get him back. Don’t focus your efforts on him.  Focus your efforts on healing yourself.  If he dumped you then you were not a perfect match and you need to let each of you go your separate ways.  It is hard to accept that you no longer have a future together, but the sooner you accept that then the sooner you will find happiness in your life.

• Re-evaluate your interpretation of the relationship. It is clear now that you are broken up that there was something missing in the relationship.  What was it?  Look back at your time together and be realistic.  Everything wasn’t perfect.  Try to understand where the problems were so that you can notice them next time you are in a relationship.  You had love blinders on and didn’t see the reality of the situation.  But maybe you can see it now and learn from it…

• It wasn’t a match. Regardless of how you felt about him, he wasn’t the one.  Everyone is different and everyone is looking for something different in their mate.  The sad reality is that he just wasn’t looking for you.  If you truly love him, then you will want him to find the person that is his match and will make him happy.  Whatever happened between you does not change who you are.  For now, focus on being the best person that you can be on your own.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

He Was The One and He Broke My Heart

I just read a great article from Dr. Phil with advice about maintaining a successful relationship:

• Have a solid friendship.
• Meet each other’s needs.
• Set specific goals.
• Get back to basics.
• Take responsibility.
• Turn the negatives into a to-do list.

While all of these pieces of advice are important, I think that “Have a solid friendship” is truly the most helpful.  It is so important to have a great friendship with your life partner that goes beyond sexual attraction or other initial reasons for a relationship.  A best friend will bring you laughter and support when you need it, and that is something that you want from your partner as well.  The most successful relationships that I have seen in my life have been couples that enjoy life together and treat each other like best friends.  The reality of marriage is that as you grow old together you you might lose some of the passion that once existed, so it is important to know that you enjoy each other’s company and know that you can rely on each for everything.

Rebuilding a flawed relationship is a great challenge, but I think Dr. Phil’s points are insightful and offer a great place to start.  It is possible to heal problems and find a way to grow close again so that you can happily grow old together.  You can read his entire article at Dr. Phil – Maintaining a Successful Relationship.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How To Rebuild a Flawed Relationship

If you have encountered this problem in your life, here are some tips for how to deal with it so that you can, hopefully, maintain a friendship and your own happiness:

• Give him another chance. Sometimes new boyfriends can make a bad first impression.  You might have judged him too quickly.  Set your first impression aside and try to have an open and positive mind about his role in your friend’s life.

• Spend some time one-on-one with him. If you dislike the guy already, this probably sounds absolutely crazy…but it will definitely give you a chance to talk openly and maybe ask some questions (in a non-confrontational way please!) that you have been wanting to ask and help him to feel more comfortable.

• Don’t try to break them up. You have to realize that you will never understand what goes on between two people in a relationship.  Unless you think your friend is in danger (an abusive relationship breaks all rules) it is not appropriate to encourage her to break-up with him.  This will only alienate you and cause tension for everyone involved.  Learn when you need to bite your tongue.

• Don’t talk behind their backs. Once you decide you don’t like someone, it’s pretty easy to exacerbate the issue by talking about it all the time…especially if you get someone else on your side!  Make observations, speak honestly about your concerns, but generally keep your thoughts to yourself.

• Annoying is not grounds for break-up.  This is very important!!  It’s definitely possible that you just find the boyfriend to be annoying.  This is unfortunate, but definitely not a reason why they should break-up.  Everyone likes something different in everyone else and she probably finds his annoying tendencies to be cute and sweet.  Try to put aside annoyances and see if you still dislike him.

• Spend time one-on-one with her.  If you find that after trying your hardest to see the goodness in this guy that you still can’t, then schedule girl time with your friend without her boyfriend.  You still don’t need to unload about your dislike for her boyfriend.  Instead suggest a “girl’s night” where you can enjoy each other’s company without your significant others.  You will be able to maintain your friendship without worrying about the boyfriend.

Image: Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

I Don’t Like My Friend’s Boyfriend