I knew, when I moved my mom from her home 275 miles to ours, that eventually I’d have to place her in a nursing home. Since I’d been through this with my aunt’s care, I realized that, at some point, caring for Mother would be more than I could manage.

So I began researching before I moved her.  I located a nearby nursing home that, fortunately for Mother and me, had daycare facilities and would take her for weekends whenever I have to be away.  When Mother needed full time care, it was easy to move her here.

However, that nursing home began to have financial difficulties and before long discontinued operations.  When I began to get a sense that I might have to move Mother, I researched other nursing homes. 

Fortunately, when I moved Mother, it was only about 1/2 hour away.  This nursing home came highly recommended by a friend whose mother stayed there.  I also visited, met the administration and some staff, attended a workshop offered there, and got a sense of the care and facility.  This home worked out well, and Mother lived there for eight years before her death.

For more information on choosing the right care facility for your Alzheimer’s family member, you may want to check out, Alzheimer’s Care: From Group Homes to Nursing Facilities at Everyday Health.com.

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The Nursing Home Decision for Your Alzheimer’s Family Member

Guidelines for Managing Medications and Prescriptions at AgingCare.com

Do you have suggestions on helping the Alzheimer’s patient in your family manage meds?  What works for you and them?

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Prescription Guidelines for Alzheimer’s Patients

My aunt was diagnosed before I became involved in her care.  When I would see her, she’d mention it, but didn’t seem to let it get her down.  However, I didn’t see her that often at that stage in her life.  Also, not so much was known about Alzheimer’s in the 1980s, so she may not have realized what was ahead for her.

I don’t think my mom ever realized she had developed Alzheimer’s.  She was more concerned about finding a cure for her sister.  Mother’s only comments occasionally, when we were chatting, “Slow down, Emma.  My brain doesn’t work so fast.”

How Does One Cope?

How does one learn to cope and live with Alzheimer’s if they are aware of the diagnosis? 

At Everyday Health.com, you’ll find some suggestions for Learning to Live With an Alzheimer’s Diagnosis that both family caregiver and patient may like to check out.

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How Does One Live With Alzheimer’s

Many times, once someone’s caregiving time is finished, they choose to move on. Mary Emma has returned to help the rest of us along.

Some people have asked me, “Why?” when so many caregivers and Alzheimer’s family members choose move on.

I want to reiterate:  First…it’s okay to move on.  Second…I’m not stuck in the past.

As Edie has glimpsed, I chose, through my writing and speaking, to remain involved and help those who are still going through caregiving.  When Mother and Auntie developed Alzheimer’s (Auntie first in the 1980s and then Mother while caring for her sister in the early 1990s), there weren’t many resources for the caregiver.

The Internet wasn’t in common use; caregiver support groups were few and far between; there weren’t too many books about Alzheimer’s and caregiving.  Also, people didn’t like to talk about the disease nor admit that a family member had developed it.

My neighbor was caregiver for her great aunt, so she and I would chat and compare situations.  By this time her Aunt Dot was in a nursing home, as was Auntie. But our sharing definitely helped me cope and even find humor midst the frustrations of caring for Mother.  I hope it helped Linda, too.

So I feel the need to help and encourage others.  It’s also become for me a way I can leave a legacy of caring from Mother and Auntie.  They were ladies who cared for others.  This way, their journeys through Alzheimer’s weren’t in vain.  They are still helping others!

Mother also encouraged me with my writing (a gift I inherited from her father).  So she would be pleased to know I’m using this talent to help others.

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Why Do I Still Write & Speak About Alzheimer’s?

As I mentoned to Edie, it is difficult living day to day with someone who has Alzheimer’s and can be very stubborn. They’re also often frightened by what’s happening to them, so strike out verbally and physically at those closest.  That often is the caregiver.

When I was caring for Mother, I read somewhere that you could end up becoming very angry at that person and had to be careful you didn’t harm them physically. “No never,” I thought. “She’s my mother.”

However, as the tiredness and frustrations grew, I began to understand what the author meant. I had to learn to laugh, to joke with Mother, and make an attempt to stay calm. I also realized I must get away from the caregiving at times and have space for myself.  I had to learn not to take what Mother said and did personally because she often didn’t know it was ME she was venting her frustrations on.

How have you learned to cope when caregiving seems too much?

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When Caregiving Becomes Too Much

Online communities have become a boon to caregivers, where they can meet with others online who are having similar challenges.

Forgetful Not Forgotten is a community that’s evolving out of the film of the same name, by Chris Wynn about his father’s experience.  In this community you’ll be able to share your experiences and gain encouragement from others.

The movie, Forgetful Not Forgotten, premieres January 11 on TVO.  You also can see excerpts of the film at the Forgetful Not Forgotten site (link above).

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Canadian Community for Caregivers

Also realize, someone told me, that as an Alzheimer’s caregiver, you always have a second chance…often within five minutes.  Even though the patient may be upset with you, he/she usually forgets it a short time later.  They are onto another activity or place in their lives…past or present.  Realize that their irritation often isn’t with you but with the frustrating situation they find themselves in.

Do the best you can and relax.  Find humor and joy in the caregiving, too, and pass it on to your family member or patient.

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Alzheimer’s Caregivers – Don’t Beat Yourself Up!

Traveling with an Alzheimer’s family member can be challenging.  It also can provide you with enjoyable and memorable experiences.  This type of travel takes a great deal of patience, too.

At the Alzheimer’s Team blog, read about a Road Trip with Mom and Dad, as described by blogger Krista’s sister Kathy, who took her parents on a two-week trip throughout the Southwest in October to visit family.  Her mom has diabetes and difficulty walking.  Her dad has moderate Alzheimer’s.

Kathy’s patience was rewarded with a memorable trip for her parents and herself, also pleasure for family members they visited.  Perhaps reading Kathy’s journal will give you ideas for traveling with your Alzheimer’s family member.

It’s not easy, as I discovered just during day long trips with my mom and once with her cat along.  It’s much like traveling with a child, but you can pick the child up and hurry them along.  You do gain amazing insights into yourself and your parent as you experience traveling together.  You realize later that the memories generated are precious.

Sometimes you travel of necessity, and other times mainly for visiting and pleasure.  What have been your experiences concerning travel with Alzheimer’s family members?

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Are You Traveling With an Alzheimer’s Patient During the Holidays?

Assisted Living – This generally refers to a home where residents are fairly independent, but may need help with medications, cooking, and housekeeping.  By living there, they are in a safe environment, enjoy social activities, and have meals prepared and laundry done.

Some assisted living homes are set up to give more help than others.  Some also have a nursing home on the premises where residents can move as they require more care.  My mother-in-law lived in an assisted living home for four years because she was going blind and couldn’t care for herself alone too well.

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Alzheimer’s Word of the Week – Assisted Living

Keeping one’s illness, when it involved mental or emotional conditions, “in the closet” was common when I was growing up.  You only whispered about someone’s mental disorders.  Families tried to keep that person at home, while not literally “in a closet,” figuratively so.

You tried not to talk about Aunt Mollie who laughed at inappropriate times, wore her clothes backward, took walks in the middle of the night, or held conversations with people of the past.  Perhaps she even had to spend some time in a mental institution and have “shock” treatment, the common way of dealing with mental and emotional conditions then.

Is Alzheimer’s in “the closet?”

Although we’re able to talk more openly about dementia and Alzheimer’s nowadays, it wasn’t always so.  In the early 1990s, soon after my dad’s death, realized my mom was developing the same symptoms as her sister, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  However, when I mentioned this to family and friends, many didn’t want to face it and didn’t want to talk about it.

Yet, if Mother had developed a physical illness, there would have been no problem.Yes, we would have had to arrange care, but there would have been more family involvement and communication. 

Many families still don’t want to admit a member has Alzheimer’s.  They find some stigma attached.  Since it’s nothing they have done to cause it, nor the person who had developed it, why not associate with that family member?  In spite of frustrations and disappointments, you actually can enjoy them and bring them pleasure.

Carol Bradley Bursack has more to say on this topic at Minding Our Elders and Our Alzheimer’s.com. 

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Is Alzheimer’s a “Closet” Disease?