However, I’ve never really been one of those gals who could say what I mean 100% of the time without worrying about public opinion.  And I wonder if that’s good for a recovering anorexic?

Sometimes, I think that being a bitch might make kicking ana’s arse much easier.  I could just tell her to go fug herself and be done with the matter.  Instead, I’m too nice — way too nice.  So I let her hang around.

This weekend, I tried to remove her once and for all from the attic of my mind… seems she had recently taken up residence there without my approval.  And to celebrate her moving in, she began telling me how disgusting and horrid I was. 

It then that I wished I could be a be-atch of the first degree.  I wanted to say to ana, “Listen, sweetie.  Get your scrawny butt outta here pronto or there will be hell to pay.”

I didn’t, though. 

Instead, I shut the attic door and vowed not to go back there no matter how strong her siren’s song became.

I’m definitely way too nice.

Post from: Blisstree

Must I Become a Witch to Destroy Ana?

Let’s call it my “ANA-versary”.

Yes, that summer was when I turned my body from chubby to svelte in one easy step — anorexia.

The funny thing is that I didn’t set out to become anorexic; I just wanted to never be called “fat” in school again.  (I was overweight or “under tall”, if you prefer!)  So I began restricting… severely.  I calculated that if I could lose weight on 1200 calories a day, I could lose weight TWICE AS FAST on 600 calories a day.  Then, I restricted more… and more… it was like a game.

When eighth grade started, everyone began telling me that I looked good.  Teachers even noticed the weight loss and never seemed to worry about it.  And I began starving myself in earnest, delighting in the attention from my peers and authority figures.

By the autumn, I had a choice — stop or keep going.  I was prepared to stop.  I was beginning to like my body and be really happy.  Then THIS happened, and in my teenage mind I felt like I had no choice but to keep going.

As you can imagine, my life became darker and darker.

It’s my 23rd ANA-versary.  Thankfully, things are looking up.  In fact, I can now enjoy cake with icing at a birthday party… even if the icing does sometimes (deliberately) end up on the tip of my nose!

Post from: Blisstree

Happy (?) “ana-versary”

We went.  We ate.  We left.

I barely made it home before there was — um, how to word this nicely? — intestinal trauma the likes of which forced all nourishment from my body in a most unseemly (not to mention unladylike) way.  This was followed by cramping – horrible cramping.  I even reminded my cool-as-a-cucumber son how to dial 9-1-1 as well as his Daddy’s cell phone, just in case I passed out.

In the end, I survived and right now (9:35 p.m. EDT), I’m doing much better. 

What does this have to do with eating disorders?  Probably very little, but my warped mind managed to make a connection.

See, my first thought after my bout in the loo was, “Hey — I lost all the calories I ate tonight!  Cool beans!  That means I can ’start over’ and I don’t have to worry about the dessert I indulged in!  What a break!”

I’m serious.  I didn’t worry about my health or what critters could be eating away at the lining of my intestines.  I gave nary a thought to the bugs that I must have ingested.  Instead, I thought:  WEIGHT LOSS.

Yes, my friends, Ana is that interwoven into my psyche, dammit.  Would that getting rid of her were as easy as getting rid of all that subpar (and apparantly tainted) food I put into my pie hole.

Post from: Blisstree

A bit of food poisoning… and a reminder of Ana’s strength

It’s too bad that I can’t translate some of the Breaking the Mirror posts into Spanish, nor can I read the pro-ana and pro-mia sites from other countries.  I’d love to understand what it’s honestly like to have an eating disorder in Mexico, Puerto Rico, Spain, Portugal, South America, Central America, et cetera. I’ve always heard that most Hispanic cultures are “into” curves on a woman’s body, but it looks like I’ve been misinformed.

Anyone who wants to educate me and Breaking the Mirror readers on what it’s really like to be a female of Spanish ethnicity is encouraged to comment!

Post from: Blisstree

Ana and Mia must be fluent in Spanish

Jenna told me about Elizabeth Siddal, a pre-Raphaelite model who lived (and died) in the early-to-mid 1800s.  As her Wikipedia page notes:

“Some have suggested that she might have been an anorexic, while others attribute her poor health to an addiction to laudanum or to a combination of ailments…”

You can read the whole Wiki page on Elizabeth Siddal here.

Thanks again to Jenna, our ED history super sleuth!

Post from: Blisstree

An update on anorexics in the “old” days

Since I haven’t posted about it for a couple of weeks, I thought it was a good time for an update:

Good Things I’ve Done for Myself:

• Allowed myself a little break from working out since I’ve been so tired.  And I haven’t felt too guilty about it!
• Didn’t obsess about every piece of food that entered my mouth… at least not (practically) all the time like before.

Not-So-Good Things I’ve Done to Myself:

• I cannot seem to stop berating myself because of my cellulite.  It has definitely gotten worse on my legs and derriere and it’s a major focal point of mine morning, noon and night.
• I have been dabbling in the “I’m not worthy” mentality over the past 10 days or so.  I feel very unhappy about something, but haven’t pinpointed what that is quite yet.

Post from: Blisstree

Kickin’ Ana’s Scrawny Butt ~ Day 22

http://music.aol.com/video/why/annie-lennox/1467620

Post from: Blisstree

Another song that reminds me of difficult times

In a quest for real, honest answers, I’d like to start a new feature here at Breaking the Mirror called “Ask Ana”. 

The premise is simple — if you have a burning question about eating disorders, body image, et cetera, please leave it in the comments section of this page -OR- privately email it to me at lemonpepr(at)aol(dot)com. 

As I receive questions, I’ll post them here for us all to discuss based on our experiences.  And if we need to get more professional help, I’ll seek out answers from professional psychologists, eating disorder specialists, doctors, dentists, whatever.

So what do you say?  What should we “Ask Ana” first?

Post from: Blisstree

Ask Ana

At the time, I said I’d never met a guy with an eating disorder.

That’s changed.

Last night, an acquaintance and I were chatting.  He’s a few years older than I and the talk turned to eating, dieting and problems with body image.  That was when he admitted that he used to exercise twice a day and eat very little.  He probably weighed about fifty pounds less than he did now.  As he puts it, he was anorexic… but never bulimic because he hates vomiting.  (I had to laugh at that comment because I hear it a lot.)

It was really liberating to discuss this topic with him, and I told him a bit about my own troubles with Ana.  I didn’t get a chance to ask him why he started his ED, but if we have the opportunity to discuss the issue again, I definitely will.

And of course, I’ll let you know about anything pertinent.

Post from: Blisstree

Males with anorexia ~ an update

Case in point — oftentimes, when I meet another woman, I instantly wonder: 

A.  How much she weighs.

C.  What size she wears.

D.  Why she has nicer [fill-in-the-blank] than I do.

Inevitably, I come to the conclusion that she’s much more attractive than I.  That makes me wish I were better looking, thinner, et cetera.  Then, I chide myself, telling my Ana-ridden mind that it doesn’t matter and I need to be less shallow.  (Of course, that makes me feel even worse!)

Do you immediately “judge” other people’s appearance this way?  Or am I just a nasty Nellie?

(One note — this happens within a 3-5 second window.  It’s a knee-jerk reaction and I’m working on curbing it.)

##############

Good golly! 

We have around 150 entries for our Let Freedom “Bling” contest! 

Keep writing in… the contest ends at 11:59 p.m. EDT on Thursday, July 17, 2008.

Post from: Blisstree

Looking at the world through ana-colored glasses