It was the summer after I graduated from high school and a college guy asked me out.  I was flattered, excited, thrilled!  He wasn’t like my last boyfriend who had verbally and physically abused me for 18 months… he couldn’t be.  (And, truth be told, he never was.)

He asked me to go to dinner.  It was Monday and our chosen night was Friday.  This was all done over the telephone, pre-cell phone and pre-Internet.  It was magical.  (Did I mention I was ecstatic?)

My heart pounded at the thought.  It was going to be amazing! 

But.  Wait.

What-Would-I-Wear?

Ah, the age-old concern of the young gal who isn’t stifled yet but the realities of car loans, mortgages and kids.  Instead, her worries turn to how her body will appear.

In an instant, I knew how I’d like him to see me.  In my eggshell part-linen pants.  They were awesome.  Creamy in color and pretty.

But.  Wait.

Would-I-Fit-In-Them?

It’s the second (sometimes first) question that every anorexic asks herself. 

Interestingly, I had spent a good part of my senior year in a sort of half-recovered-anorexic haze.  Once I released myself from the grasp of my abusive beau, I enjoyed school a bit more and loosened my grip on my weight.  In fact, I put on a few pounds and felt okay… not satisfied, but not ready to kill myself.

However, here I was, terrified I would look like a hippo by Friday.

I had four days.

I knew what to do.

And you can imagine the rest.

I ate virtually nothing for those four days.  I starved my belly down to semi-flatness (I’ve always had a little “pooch”, even during my ana days/daze.)  I endured tummy growling and nausea.  And I was happy to do so. 

When Friday came, I ate daintily on our date, so as not to distend my stomach or gorge in front of the man I hoped I would be with forever.  (Yes, I was a real dreamer then.  And no, we didn’t last.)

Ironically, I think that there are many girls out there without an eating disordered past who probably do the same thing when faced with an upcoming date.  It’s truly a sickness.  But it’s even worse when you have ana’s whispers in your head.

Post from: Blisstree

I had a date… so starvation was critical

Princess Beatrice is perhaps one of the least fashion-forward young women in royal circuits.  (Note the butterfly-themed hat she wore to her brother’s wedding – yikes…) 

And she’s a constant club-hopper who hasn’t yet learned how to turn it on for the papparrazzi and give a “good” shot, even if it’s the wee hours of the morning.  (That’s bound to come.) 

But all this doesn’t give the press the right to nag her about her weight.

Recent photos of her romping on the beach in a skimpy bikini aroused the ire of plenty of tabloidites who ridiculed her size 10 body relentlessly.  It made me so ashamed to be living in a society where that sells newspapers… 

Although Beatrice has thus far remained rather undaunted (at least publicly) by all the focus on her weight, what do you want to guess that in the coming years she’ll succumb to some kind of disordered eating practices? 

I really feel terrible for her; some reports have said that the British press is even crueler than the American press when it comes to mocking individuals’ waistlines.  (That’s difficult for me to believe…)

Ironically, you and I both know that if Beatrice lost tons, she’d still be the target of a campaign to pigeonhole her as an anorexic or bulimic. 

I guess if you’re in the spotlight, you just can’t win.

Photo: Newscom

Post from: Blisstree

Trying to stay immune to Ana? Just “bea” glad you aren’t a royal…

Thinspiration — also known as “thinspo” — is all over the Internet.  Really, if you want to find it, you can do so with a few simple keystrokes.

As the Breaking the Mirror blogger, I find myself regularly investigating images and videos that could be considered “thinspo” in the name of investigation.  But some nights, like this evening, I’ve had to deliberately stop looking at them even though I’ve found some provocative stories that I’d love to share with readers.

You see, if I’m to be perfectly frank (and I don’t think you’d want it any other way), those thinspo pics still have the ability to send me into a bit of a panic. 

As a 36-year-old woman, I recognize that the photos are horrible and I’d hate it if anyone I knew fell into the Ana/Mia trap.  But occasionally my mind reverts to a 16-year-old way of thinking and I find myself hating my body even more than I normally do.

It seems ridiculous that some of my thoughts when seeing pro-ana thinspiration include:  “Why didn’t I look like that when I was anorexic?” and “I wonder how fat I really seem to these pro-ana girls?”

Foolish thinking, but it goes to show you how sneaky Ana is — she can slyly remain in the background even when you think she’s gone.

Image:  Newscom

Post from: Blisstree

What does thinspo do to/for you?

A bunch of kids (they were quite young — perhaps 5 and 6) were asked if they would rather be fat or lose a limb (or some such nonsense.)  They predominantly chose losing a limb over having too much weight on their frames.

Now, that’s just horrible. 

First of all, who would ask kids such a question?  And secondly, why equate being “fat” with the horror of losing a limb? 

(Incidentally, I cannot find the original report — if you can, please comment and send the link.  I’m not sure I remember the specifics after all these years, though I remember the outcome was anti-”fat”.)

Anyway, I just found another question similar to that one:  Would you rather have a wife who is fat or one who is bulimic and looks good all the time? 

Most guys who answered said ”fat”.  Now, this wasn’t done scientifically, but it’s anecdotally interesting.

Personally, I’d rather have an overweight husband than one who was so obsessed with his appearance that he became impossible to live with.  I also wouldn’t want to be with a guy who never allowed himself a taste of homemade cookies or who exercised to the point of potentially harming his body.

But be honest – would you rather be anorexic (or bulimic) or clinically obese (BMI of >25)? 

Post from: Blisstree

Be honest — would you rather be anorexic or obese?

(As a side note, I was concerned about mentioning this, for fear that some pro-anas might use it for their own “benefits”; but let’s face it — if you’re ana, you’ve probably already come up with all the “tricks” you need to continue your starvation tactics.)

In any case, I’m curious — have you ever lied about having problems with food just to avoid eating in social or familial situations? 

I haven’t done it overtly, though I definitely have pretended to feel sick to my stomach so people would stop telling me to eat.

Post from: Blisstree

Have you ever lied about having a food allergy?

But I still had thinspiration.  It just came in the form of books and articles.

I’ve always loved to read and when I discovered there were fiction and non-fiction accounts of girls striving to be thin JUST LIKE I WAS, I greedily gobbled them up (instead of gobbling up food.) 

I learned a great deal from these thinspo devices… and what I came away with was not what the authors intended, I assure you.  In fact, books and magazines became my Ana bibles.  Certain passages have stuck with me to this day, and I often have to push them into the back of my head because they’re so embedded in my mind.

Ironically, images never really encouraged me to starve myself; however, the written word was powerful enough to help me get through many mornings when I felt faint from lack of nourishment.

Post from: Blisstree

My thinspiration, ’80s style

It’s kind of like there’s an “Ana Filter” between an anorexic’s eyes, ears and brain.  Everything she sees and hears becomes skewed toward holding onto the disorder.

From my own experiences, I’d like to share with you what the anorexic “hears” when you make innocuous (or seemingly thoughtful) comments:

WHAT YOU SAY:  “You look so thin!”

WHAT THE ANOREXIC HEARS:  “You are beautiful and I’m jealous!”

WHAT YOU SAY:  “I’m glad to see you’ve put on a little weight — you were getting way too thin!”

WHAT THE ANOREXIC HEARS:  “You’re fat.  Stop eating.”

WHAT YOU SAY:  “Eat something — you make me worried when you sit there and just drink water.”

WHAT THE ANOREXIC HEARS:  “You need to do a better job of hiding how little you’re eating.”

WHAT YOU SAY:  “You’re so selfish.  Can’t you just snap out of this?  Eating disorders are all in your mind.”

WHAT THE ANOREXIC HEARS:  “You don’t deserve to eat or be happy.  Ever.”

Caveat:  Please don’t use this as an excuse NOT to discuss a friend or family member’s eating disorder with him or her.  Saying nothing is worse than trying to start a dialogue, especially with eating disorders having an incredibly high mortality rate.

Post from: Blisstree

What you say, what the anorexic hears

I’m curious — when did you start your relationship with Ana (or Mia)? 

Post from: Blisstree

When did Ana befriend you?

Of course, all pro-recovery sites like Breaking the Mirror talk about the dangers of thinspo.  That’s nothing new.

But could thinspiration be truly useful in some situations?  I mean, people without eating disorders tend to use “thinspiration”, too. 

For instance, a gal who wants to return to her pre-pregnancy weight may put pics of her years ”before kids” around the house as a reminder to curb her snacking tendencies. 

Or a clinically obese man may turn his refrigerator into a collage of thinspo images just to prevent him from eating another helping of spaghetti or reaching for a tub of Haagen-Daas.

These people are using “thinspiration” in what seems to be a legitimate manner.  After all, plenty of diet books encourage people to use images as guides.

Personally, I think it’s terrible.

First of all, thinspiration in any form is downright demeaning.  It’s basically saying, “You are hideous now.  If you look like this, you’ll be perfect.”  Thinspo makes everything about appearance only.

Secondly, thinspiration provides only a temporary boost.  After a while, more is needed for it to make any lasting “dent”.  (I think it can be addicting, too, but I have no scientific reports to back me up.)

Finally, using thinspo is a lot different than making an actual lifestyle change.  Being healthy isn’t about photos — it’s about how you treat yourself, inside and out.  It’s holistic, not one-dimensional.

Consequently, I think “thinspiration” in any form is disastrous in the long run.  What do you think?

Post from: Blisstree

Is “thinspiration” ever truly useful?

Not so.

You see, like any other “clique”, those with EDs have a caste system, a heirarchy of sorts.  It’s not usually discussed, but it definitely exists. 

Allow me to explain (and feel free to let me know if any of this has changed recently or if I’m missing something)…

Followers of Ana are undesputedly the “highest” on the eating disorder ladder.  These are folks who strongly adhere to anorexic principles and pro-ana tenets.  “Rexies” are those with anorexia but who could stop if they wanted to and only choose to be anorexic; they aren’t as high up on the (non-)food chain.

Next would probably be binge eaters.  (Not bulimics, but those who simply binge.)  They cannot stop with one cookie but have to eat a box — or five.  However, they do not vomit after eating nor do they regularly starve themselves afterwards, exercise to excess or use laxatives to lose weight.

At the bottom of the ED caste system come bulimics.  These pro-mia gals and guys are almost reviled by many Ana purists.  It’s kind of “cool” to be anorexic; however, to regularly worship the porcelain god after ingesting thousands of calories of food makes you “weak” because you gave into the temptation to eat.

As far as those suffering from EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), I’m not sure.  I can never tell where these folks fall, though I do know that most anorexics who follow the path of Ana rigidly would probably find those with EDNOS to be “wannarexics” or perhaps “Rexies”.

Class dismissed.  It’s Friday.  Go play.

Post from: Blisstree

The caste system of eating disorders