“Actions speak louder than words.”  We’ve all heard it, but do we all really live it?  If someone has hurt you it always feels so much better when they apologize.  Apologies make you believe that the offender understands their mistake and feels badly for hurting you.  But apologies don’t always solve problems from re-occurring.

In relationships I think the saying should be “Actions speak louder than apologies.”  Some people are really into saying “I’m sorry.”  Flowers, gifts, and home-cooked meals might make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but are they really addressing the issue that hurt you in the first place?  Maybe his apology is just covering the situation with a Band-Aid.

True apologies are really tough.  They involve admitting that you have truly made a mistake and if you could travel back in time, you would have made a different decision.  You made a wrong decision.  You are sorry.  For most people getting in touch with themselves and admitting that they have made a mistake, especially when it involves hurting someone they care about, is very difficult.  If you find that your significant other is quick to apologize and make a grand gesture to prove the apology, then you really need to think about the validity of these apologies.

“Actions speak louder than apologies” means that what he says to quickly wrap-up the argument is not important.  The way that he changes his actions based on the problem that occurred is extremely important. Go back to the root of the situation and figure out what hurt you and what lit the fire.  Look at the bigger picture of your relationship to find the base of the problem.  That is where the solution lies…not in fancy dinners, gifts, and a dozen roses.  Don’t look for an apology.  Look for a change that shows that he understands what happened and why you were hurt.  If this doesn’t happen, then your fight will keep re-occurring and you will get caught in an endless pattern of arguing.

I can’t tell you whether or not his apology is sincere, but I can tell you that the way someone acts in a relationship is much more important than what he says about how he wants to act.

Image: Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

Should You Accept His Apology?

I’ve only been able to read the first few pages, but so far I’ve learned that good communication is affected by rapport, calibrating, and communication style. The way you relate to others has to do with your ability to recognize, understand, and get in-tune to another person’s way of communication.  I’m going to read the book this weekend and get back to you ASAP with a review.

I love my new boyfriend, but sometimes we run into communication issues. I think that a large part of this has to do with the limitations of our relationship – he’s in Colorado, I’m in California. We do most of our communicating on the phone. It’s easy to misunderstand someone when you can’t see their expression or body languageand it’s even easier to misunderstand them when you are texting and have absolutely no clues whatsoever to intent.

Throughout my last relationship, I found myself giving in a lot, just going along in an attempt to avoid an argument. It worked in a way – we only had about 3 actual arguments in a year and a half, but when I look back, I am frustrated with myself. I pushed a lot down and giving in didn’t always work out in the long run, because it led to resentment, on my part. (And serious dislike, at this point.)

I want my relationship with Mark to be the forever kind and that means I can’t just push things down, I have to sometimes argue my point. Sometimes more than once, because that’s the way things play out with him on occasion.

I have picked up a few things along the way and I’m going to pass them along in the hopes that they might help you.

*You don’t have to win. In fact if yelling is involved, you can pretty much guarantee that there will be no winner at all. (Hurt feelings=you both lose).
*Someone has to stay calm. You can’t both get wound up, even in the most stressful of situations (for example, when someone misses their flight).
*Don’t discuss important things through text. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

Communication and Connection

According to an article on parenting.com, remind yourself to “use your words.” Yes, the exact advice that you give your toddler who is throwing a temper tantrum. When you and your spouse are getting so angry that you’re actually bringing up old fights or getting extremely personal, remind yourself to verbalize clearly what it is you find objectionable at this moment.

It can be difficult to do, especially if you’re so mad you could spit. Or worse, you’re so mad that you’re quiet. (Besides no matter how long you’re married, you can’t expect your spouse to read your mind.)

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Clearly Speaking What’s On Your Mind

sxc.hu

bicker and bicker they will. They are going to argue to the point you want to leave your own house and let them have at it, hey at least you won’t here the arguing anymore.

Tonight, that’s exactly what happened…well minus me walking out. But I did end up separating the two.

Here’s the deal: SoccerBoy and BalletGirl love each other but closer to the end of the night they will begin to bicker, same thing with first thing in the morning. UGH, it’s enough that I may end up bald. Okay, probably not since I have SO MUCH hair, but still.

Tonight, they bickered over who was sitting where on the floor. One didn’t want the other on a certain side or something. When I stepped in and said fine sit on that side, it was as if I had just punished the other. So instead I said, “Go to your own rooms until you can get along.” About 1 minute passed and they were back out, seeing tears broke my heart. Why the tears?

“You yelled at me,” replied BalletGirl brokenheartedly.

“But why?”

::Sniff, sniff:: “We were fighting.”

“Should I have allowed it? What would you have done?” I asked calmly letting her dish out whatever.

“The same thing,” at which point she started to smile.

In the end they were fine but still. It is definitely sibling rivalry and the battle of the wills. Do you deal with this? How do you handle it?

Post from: Blisstree

The Battle of the Wills

By the time I was in high school, the relationship between my stepmom and I really deteriorated. Part of it (actually most of it) was my teenage angst and part of it was my stepmom’s inexperience at being a stepmom. I thought she loved my half-brother and sister more. She thought I was a spoiled brat. Honestly I think we were both a little right.

By the time I was getting read to graduate from high school we were fighting a lot. I often told my dad I was going to move out east (over a thousand miles away) to live with my mom. I know it broke his heart when I said that, but I didn’t realize just how much until I had my own children. At the time it was just the best insult I could use because I wasn’t brave enough to actually call my parents names.

Now I’m a mom and a stepmom. My stepson lives with us and has for many years. He’s a super kid. All of his teachers say he’s a pleasure to have in class. Everybody who meets him thinks he’s an awesome teen. He’s loving. He’s polite. He stays out of trouble. He really is a great person. Except for one thing…schoolwork.

As you know, we’ve been struggling with him to get his grades up for years. His grades are the catalyst behind most of our arguments. We are only a week and a half away from the end of the school year and we are still struggling to get him to get his homework turned in.

Today we got in to another fight about it. It really wasn’t the best time to nag him about his homework since he wasn’t feeling well. But I persisted anyway, against my better judgment. He’s never thrilled with my nagging, but today was even worse. He was defiant and angry. He was giving me the eye rolling and the “just leave me alone” and I lost it. It was not my proudest mommy moment.

In the midst of our yelling fest I turned in to my parents and said, “this is my house and you will follow my rules.” To which he said, “then I’ll just move.” This was his way of saying he’ll move in with his mom. He has given me the “I’m going to move in with mom” speech before, so I know it well.

I know he doesn’t mean it. He has a lot of friends here. He likes his school (although not his homework). He has a lot of family here. He likes living with us. And as a child of divorce myself, I’m familiar with this line of defense. As I said, I played the “I’ll just move in with mom” card myself when I was a teenager.

But, even though I know it’s just something he said in the heat of the moment, it still stings. It’s the same when you child says, “I hate you” or “you don’t love me anymore.” Kids know how to push our buttons. He knows saying that will hurt my feelings and likely shut me up. It’s devastating to hear you child tell you they don’t want to live with you anymore.

As I thought about it later I realized I needed that. Sometimes as parents we need our kids to say these nasty things to us to let us we’ve lost control. He made it clear he didn’t feel well. I said what I had to say within the first two minutes of the conversation which was “you need to talk to your Biology teacher about your assignments tomorrow.” The conversation should have ended there. But when he rolled his eyes and talked back I wanted to get the upper hand. I wanted to be right. I wanted to win. But I’m the adult and I need to act like it.

I guess living with teenagers isn’t always about me teaching them how to be a grown up. Sometimes they need to remind me to act like one.

Post from: Blisstree

Sometimes Teens Teach Us Instead Of The Other Way Around