You must have heard this advice before, right?

“You should never go to bed angry.”

This is one of the marriage fallacies that I believed in for the first few months - but quickly grew to realize that it is like telling someone to keep driving when they  are tired. If you are arguing right before bed, then that was just poor form on your part. But it happens - sometimes because one of you just felt like you had to get something off your chest. Other times, because something happened unexpectedly that’s out of your control.

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Either way, you’re arguing…and you’re tired. The result, is more than likely going to be…

• incoherent
• emotional
• damaging

Maybe none of these things are beyond repair in the short term (or even the long run), but I firmly believe you are taking a big risk by trying to have a rational discussion right before bed.

I say, forget about what “they” say and make a pact with your spouse to be able to say to the other person “let’s talk about this in the morning” and each of you respect that. This should not be used as a cop-out (if you say those words at 6pm, he/she might not appreciate it) but instead, needs to be your commitment to one another that at a certain hour the risk of being too cranky/tired to rein in your frustration and not say something hurtful. The same issue will probably be there in the morning - but don’t force yourself to resolve it…or worse yet - let it go…just to appease words of wisdom that are way too black and white for all the blurred lines and grey areas in a marriage.

In every relationship, I reckon one of the things you have to do as a couple is to find a common ground where you practice or apply leveled expectations. Arguments usually arise when one or both parties refuse to move to accommodate the other’s needs. Er, well — among other things.

Here’s what I think.

There are some key things that we need to concern ourselves to find a solution to any problem. One of them is to find a way to compromise.

Communicate. I’ve said it before. Communication between two people is important. You have to find a way to establish the right manner of talking to each other. Is it vital that you guys talk in person? Is talking on the phone enough? Or perhaps it’s better if the two of you resort to writing your feelings down on parchment or email?

Space. It’s a cliche but, heck, it works. Give each other the space you guys need in order to sort things out. Just be sure you do spend time thinking about ways to identify the problem and not dwell on finding the person to blame.

Introspect. This happens when you’re in your own space. I recommend that you take a look at yourself and how your attitude towards the relationship is affecting it. It’s a step towards finding a solution.

Breathe. I know it sounds a bit silly but I really suggest that you have to set a portion of your time and focus on just breathing. It will help pacify any turmoil you may be feeling when you and your partner are in a fight.

Cry. It’s alright, you know — crying, I mean. It will help ease off the emotional load. It can take some of the anger away. Aside from it being physically good for you, it can help level, somehow, the stress on your emotions and psyche. Don’t quote me on this, though.

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So, tell me —

Are women master manipulators in relationships?

Curious thought, I must say.

I was talking to a co-worker of mine about this quote I shared when she told me that it’s true. She does believe that women, by nature, have the ability to manipulate a situation to turn in their favour. I have to admit, to hear a married woman say that, surprised me. Then I’m caused to ponder on the thought some more and I realised that I, too, was guilty of being a “manipulator” at some point in my past relationship — the bitchy kind at that. Heehee.

I’m not particularly proud of that and I did try to make amends for it. Believe me, boy, did I pay for it. LOL. Well, anyway, it’s a good thing I got to think about this theory. However, I can’t help but wonder if it applies to ALL women.

From what I’ve observed with women, some have the knack for “smooth talk” and/or has her way with twisting semantics. Some may call it a subtle way of training the man to think he’s thinking for himself but in reality it’s the woman feeding him the idea. Personally, I reckon that these women have tapped into the power of persuasion. Most politicians and successful businessmen have it.

When viewed in relationships, however, it seems unethical and detestable. You might be right, especially when this so-called power is used for selfish interests and eventually leaving their partners badly scarred. Come to think of it, it’s somewhat abusive.

I’m sure there’s some sort of balance being practiced in most relationships. Uh, right..? But what I’d really like to know is how do women feel about being stereotyped as a manipulator. And for the guys, I’m sure you have a thing or two to say about this matter like how you feel about the women who are and your experiences about being, er, a “victim”.

Discuss.

“There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.”

I lifted this quote from ma friend Rico over at Fool for Five.

Isn’t it quite apparent that I’m trying to start a gender war here? LOL. Nah. I’m just playing. I just found the quote or, uh, zen teaching(?) equally funny as the last quote I shared to you guys.

Read more of Fattifatbastard’s guide, I suggest you brace yourself for more laughs. Enjoy!

In a relationship, whether if you’ve been in it for a long time now or you’re just starting, what really glues it together is the kind of communication that the two of you have.

Of course, I’ve got to admit that it can take a certain amount of time before you guys set a pace and be comfortable with each other but the thought of “establishing” it is there. The two of you are just simply working on it.

There are certain considerations you have to bear in mind, i.e. time, method, manner, material, etc. It’s not as stuck up as it sounds cuz conversing with your girlfriend or boyfriend can be serious or casual. It doesn’t really have to be a discussion ALL the time.

One thing I’ve learned is that you have to put into consideration the welfare of the person you’re talking to. Think about his or her feelings when he or she receives your message. I’ve got to admit that there are moments that you’re so caught up with *your* own world that you come off as self-centered and crass especially when the topic being discussed is an emotional one.

My thoughts on this matter are: one, to take a moment to think things through before saying anything; two, always say what you mean or be straight-forward; three, always keep an open mind; and four, talking things through will help solve any problem.

What about you guys? How important is communication is to your relationship? Can you share what kind of communication style worked for you?

No matter how good a friend they are.

Never ever take for granted that your current significant other will be understanding of a friendship you have with an old flame!

“It’s just lunch” — “It’s just drinks” — “It’s just a movie” will NOT fly!

Sure, it may fly for a while, but burried somewhere beneath that understanding exterior lays an argument waiting to happen.

When you least expect it, that dinner/drinks or movie will be thrown up in your face like a bucket of ice water.

If it’s just lunch - drinks or a movie, there’s absolutely NO reason why your significant other should not be invited along. In fact, insist! You’ll be glad you did.