Image: Karmalize on Flickr

The holiday season is officially here.  If you feel stressed about the upcoming festivities, here are some tips to remember when spending large amounts of time with your entire family:

• Huge family get-togethers only occur once or twice a year.  Try to focus on the positive for just a few days.

• Go in with a positive attitude, but without high expectations.  Don’t expect that everything will perfect, but do expect that you will be able to calmly handle whatever comes your way.

• Focus on doing the best you can to help.  A lot of times family members disagree because they don’t feel that everyone is pulling their weight equally.  Focus on doing what you can to help (make plans, cook, decorate, chauffeur, etc.) without worrying about what other people aren’t doing.

• Don’t sweat the small things.  You have a lifetime of history with your family, which could cause you to get upset over small things.  Try to focus on the big picture and let small battles slide.

• Give yourself a break.  If you find that a situation is getting overwhelming, take yourself out of it.  Family get-togethers can be overwhelming with tons of people around all the time, so take some time to go for a walk or go workout by yourself to clear your head.

• This is not the best time for confrontations and interventions.  Again, focus on maintaining a positive attitude and enjoying that you all get to spend time together.  If you have issues with someone, discuss them in private at a separate time.  Don’t form alliances or gang up on anyone…it will cause more hurt than help.  Don’t start arguments.

Enjoy being around your loved ones and appreciate that you have the opportunity to spend the holidays together.

Post from: Blisstree

Tips For Dealing With Holiday Family Stress

I just read the most amazing advice from the fabulous Dr. Phil about “How to Fight Fair.”  I strongly advise every couple to read these tips and discuss them together so you can use fights to solve problems in your relationship instead of making problems worse.  Here is my advice for how to fight, inspired by the Dr. Phil article:

• Keep it private. Don’t fight in public or in front of family and friends (especially your children).  It is unnecessary and makes other feel uncomfortable.  You also don’t need to hear advice or judgments about your fights from others…it will be easier to resolve if you keep it private.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old issues that you already resolved or situations that occurred a long time ago.  Discuss what is happening now and move on from the past.  When you are angry it is definitely tempting to throw everything out there that has ever angered you in the relationship, but that will only make the situation regress.

• Don’t be mean. Hurtful comments can linger for a long time.  Don’t let yourself get so angry that you resort to attacking the other person with hurtful and mean words.  Be mature and reasonable and don’t let your emotions so quickly that they get out of hand.

• Remain task-oriented. If you don’t know what the point of your argument is, then you don’t need to be fighting.  Don’t start a fight unless you know what your goal is.  Remember what you want to accomplish and stick to it instead of letting other issues get in the way.

• Accept and respect apologies. Don’t get so caught up in the argument that you don’t listen when your partner gives in or apologizes.  You don’t need to keep hammering away at the same issue if you have reached a resolution.  Be thankful and respectful for their apology because we all know that it’s difficult to admit that we’re wrong or that we need to change.  The important thing to remember is that your purpose is to resolve an issue, so stop when you have achieved this.

• Be proportional with your intensity. Don’t blow the situation out of proportion just because the argument elevates.  Remember the issue that you are discussing and treat it accordingly.  If a small issue is “the straw that broke the camel’s back” then you need to explain the bigger issue so your boyfriend isn’t caught completely off-guard by a blowout over a small disagreement.

• Be in touch with the other person’s emotions. Don’t get so caught up in arguing that you don’t realize when your partner is getting hurt by your words.  The issue could be extremely difficult for them to discuss and you need to remember that the argument involves their emotions as well as yours.  Sometimes you get so caught up in defending your situation and proving your point that you forget that the person who you love on the opposite side of the argument could be getting their feelings significantly damaged.

Reference: Relationships/Sex: “How To Fight Fair” on DrPhil.com

Image: Ed Yourdon on Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

How To Fight With Your Partner

I have observed, and experienced personally, many times the problem of spending too much time and energy arguing about issues that those involved should probably just let slide.  Think before you speak and don’t worry yourself over small issues!  It sounds easy to offer this as advice, but I know that is much harder in practice.

The main difficulty in addressing this problem is that it’s much easier to see what’s going on in an argument from the outside.  I observe couples and parent/child relationships all the time where one is arguing with the other and I can tell that the discussion is going to go nowhere.  Both parties involved get all heated up about something that probably didn’t even really need to be addressed and should have been avoided.  But would I know that it was a trivial argument if it was me that was feeling irritated?

This is also difficult because everyone has trouble controlling their anger.  If you feel it, you want to just let the steam out and express yourself!  But give yourself a moment to take some deep breaths and intellectualize the situation.  Is this an issue worth starting a fight about?  Am I just feeling irritable?  Will it achieve anything if I disagree right now?  Have we already discussed this and reached no resolution?  Are there bigger underlying issues that are causing me to be upset about this small issue?

If you have developed an argumentative relationship with someone in your life, think about the idea of picking your battles.  It’s a really difficult issue to tackle because it involves pulling yourself out of the moment and addressing the larger situation that you are in, but I guarantee that it is the healthy and smart choice for you and the people in your life.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Pick Your Battles and Win

“You should never go to bed angry.”

This is one of the marriage fallacies that I believed in for the first few months – but quickly grew to realize that it is like telling someone to keep driving when they  are tired. If you are arguing right before bed, then that was just poor form on your part. But it happens – sometimes because one of you just felt like you had to get something off your chest. Other times, because something happened unexpectedly that’s out of your control.

Image: stock.xchng

Either way, you’re arguing…and you’re tired. The result, is more than likely going to be…

• incoherent
• emotional
• damaging

Maybe none of these things are beyond repair in the short term (or even the long run), but I firmly believe you are taking a big risk by trying to have a rational discussion right before bed.

I say, forget about what “they” say and make a pact with your spouse to be able to say to the other person “let’s talk about this in the morning” and each of you respect that. This should not be used as a cop-out (if you say those words at 6pm, he/she might not appreciate it) but instead, needs to be your commitment to one another that at a certain hour the risk of being too cranky/tired to rein in your frustration and not say something hurtful. The same issue will probably be there in the morning – but don’t force yourself to resolve it…or worse yet – let it go…just to appease words of wisdom that are way too black and white for all the blurred lines and grey areas in a marriage.

Post from: Blisstree

Going To Bed Angry Is Not A Bad Thing

Here’s what I think.

There are some key things that we need to concern ourselves to find a solution to any problem. One of them is to find a way to compromise.

Communicate. I’ve said it before. Communication between two people is important. You have to find a way to establish the right manner of talking to each other. Is it vital that you guys talk in person? Is talking on the phone enough? Or perhaps it’s better if the two of you resort to writing your feelings down on parchment or email?

Space. It’s a cliche but, heck, it works. Give each other the space you guys need in order to sort things out. Just be sure you do spend time thinking about ways to identify the problem and not dwell on finding the person to blame.

Introspect. This happens when you’re in your own space. I recommend that you take a look at yourself and how your attitude towards the relationship is affecting it. It’s a step towards finding a solution.

Breathe. I know it sounds a bit silly but I really suggest that you have to set a portion of your time and focus on just breathing. It will help pacify any turmoil you may be feeling when you and your partner are in a fight.

Cry. It’s alright, you know — crying, I mean. It will help ease off the emotional load. It can take some of the anger away. Aside from it being physically good for you, it can help level, somehow, the stress on your emotions and psyche. Don’t quote me on this, though.

I’ve observed that usually problems occur when both individuals are stressed. Also, when the issue is quite serious, it will take time before a solution is made. Expecting things to be fine after talking-slash-arguing for an hour or two is not healthy. It may take a certain amount of tinkering to make things work smoothly again.

Of course, it also happens that old issues re-surface during arguments especially when it wasn’t resolved properly the first time. So, expecting that it will NOT be raised is close to being silly.

Bottomline, before you enter into an argument, make the decision on whether you wish to work it out or not, it will help you direct how it will end. You have to be patient, too. Also, you’ve got to practice some sort of humility so you can actually patch things up and be able to apologise. Remember both of you are at fault, otherwise, there wouldn’t be any friction in the first place.

Anyway, what’s the worse thing that can happen? You’ll probably just head on your separate ways. A good choice for couples who can’t settle on a solution no matter how much they argue. It’s total bullocks to stay in that relationship me thinks.

Feel free to share if you have other tips, which you think I should have included in this post. Your thoughts can help the other readers.

Post from: Blisstree

Tips on Handling Arguments

Are women master manipulators in relationships?

Curious thought, I must say.

I was talking to a co-worker of mine about this quote I shared when she told me that it’s true. She does believe that women, by nature, have the ability to manipulate a situation to turn in their favour. I have to admit, to hear a married woman say that, surprised me. Then I’m caused to ponder on the thought some more and I realised that I, too, was guilty of being a “manipulator” at some point in my past relationship — the bitchy kind at that. Heehee.

I’m not particularly proud of that and I did try to make amends for it. Believe me, boy, did I pay for it. LOL. Well, anyway, it’s a good thing I got to think about this theory. However, I can’t help but wonder if it applies to ALL women.

From what I’ve observed with women, some have the knack for “smooth talk” and/or has her way with twisting semantics. Some may call it a subtle way of training the man to think he’s thinking for himself but in reality it’s the woman feeding him the idea. Personally, I reckon that these women have tapped into the power of persuasion. Most politicians and successful businessmen have it.

When viewed in relationships, however, it seems unethical and detestable. You might be right, especially when this so-called power is used for selfish interests and eventually leaving their partners badly scarred. Come to think of it, it’s somewhat abusive.

I’m sure there’s some sort of balance being practiced in most relationships. Uh, right..? But what I’d really like to know is how do women feel about being stereotyped as a manipulator. And for the guys, I’m sure you have a thing or two to say about this matter like how you feel about the women who are and your experiences about being, er, a “victim”.

Discuss.

Post from: Blisstree

Are women master manipulators in relationships?

I lifted this quote from ma friend Rico over at Fool for Five.

Isn’t it quite apparent that I’m trying to start a gender war here? LOL. Nah. I’m just playing. I just found the quote or, uh, zen teaching(?) equally funny as the last quote I shared to you guys.

Read more of Fattifatbastard’s guide, I suggest you brace yourself for more laughs. Enjoy!

Post from: Blisstree

Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen, er, dating..?

Of course, I’ve got to admit that it can take a certain amount of time before you guys set a pace and be comfortable with each other but the thought of “establishing” it is there. The two of you are just simply working on it.

There are certain considerations you have to bear in mind, i.e. time, method, manner, material, etc. It’s not as stuck up as it sounds cuz conversing with your girlfriend or boyfriend can be serious or casual. It doesn’t really have to be a discussion ALL the time.

One thing I’ve learned is that you have to put into consideration the welfare of the person you’re talking to. Think about his or her feelings when he or she receives your message. I’ve got to admit that there are moments that you’re so caught up with *your* own world that you come off as self-centered and crass especially when the topic being discussed is an emotional one.

My thoughts on this matter are: one, to take a moment to think things through before saying anything; two, always say what you mean or be straight-forward; three, always keep an open mind; and four, talking things through will help solve any problem.

What about you guys? How important is communication is to your relationship? Can you share what kind of communication style worked for you?

Post from: Blisstree

Importance of Communication

Never ever take for granted that your current significant other will be understanding of a friendship you have with an old flame!

“It’s just lunch” — “It’s just drinks” — “It’s just a movie” will NOT fly!

Sure, it may fly for a while, but burried somewhere beneath that understanding exterior lays an argument waiting to happen.

When you least expect it, that dinner/drinks or movie will be thrown up in your face like a bucket of ice water.

If it’s just lunch – drinks or a movie, there’s absolutely NO reason why your significant other should not be invited along. In fact, insist! You’ll be glad you did.

Post from: Blisstree

Ex’s are Ex’s…