The thing is, he doesn’t even know what hate means, he just said it because he knew it was bad. Knew it would make me mad and get my attention. But, just the same, it cuts my heart in two. Makes me realize how much I really want his approval and his love (yes, I’m just as insecure as he is).

As an adoptive parent does it hurt more than those of you who have biological children? Not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. It still makes me question what I am doing right or wrong, if I am spending enough time with him, if I am sending him the right messages, if I am loving on him enough.

In reality though, I can only do so much each day. And I can only love him all the time, every day.

Post from: Blisstree

I Hate You

They told me that that having children was supposed to be easy. That attachment and bonding came so naturally that there was no need to work on it, that children were resilient and that they would just blend right into our lives.

That was not so with AJ. Life was very difficult. I remember, very clearly, the first time he got into the silverware drawer, despite the baby-proofing. He tried to stick a corn-cob holder into his eye. He had no knowledge of what it might do.

With Gus…it has been seamless. Like, I guess it is supposed to be. Oh, we have the sleepless nights and the teething but we don’t have the attachment fights, the sensory issues, the horrible feeding problems and the sickness so horrific that he is miserable.

If someone had told me that adoption was supposed to be this way I would have told them they were lieing, that adoption is the hardest thing in the world.

I am so glad it’s not.

Post from: Blisstree

Is it Supposed to Be This Easy?

I could not pack all of the slings because of the new weight requirements on airlines so I only took two; a Ring Sling (Cherry Bomb) provided by Nonny & Boo and a BabyHawk in a gorgeous Pumpkin Spice. Since we returned home I have been able to try out our existing Hip Hammock (by the original designer), and the Rockin’ Baby Pouch. I have yet to try out the Sleepy Wrap.

My Reviews:

Nonny & Boo Ring Sling:

This is by far Gus’s favorite. He absolutely LOVES the hip carry and the ring sling is the quickest and easiest for him to slip into. He can cuddle into my neck the way he likes and he can still see everything but still face me.

BabyHawk:

I have tried to put Gus into this sling several times and each time he has screamed. The directions are not complicated, the sling is comfortable (tried it with AJ), and the fabric is soft. However, I believe that tradition in Guatemala calls for slings to be worn either in the cradle hold or as a side carry, not a front carry. My belief is that Gus is simply not comfortable in a front carry. I am going to attempt to use the Hip Carry with the BabyHawk, as they do have instructions on their website.

Hip Hammock:

I purchased the Original Hip Hammock back in 2005 before we traveled to Russia because back then that is the only one people would recommend to me. It was just after Playtex recalled quite a few so I purchased it directly from the Original designer and it has held up wonderfully. AJ loved this one although I always felt like he was falling out. Perhaps I did not have it on tight enough for him…Gus likes this one just fine as well and it is very easy to slip one and off, especially at the airport and going through checkpoints. In fact, it is easier than ALL of the others because of the clips. I can hold Gus against me and clip the strap around him and go…while I am walking.

Rockin’ Baby Pouch:

Although this pattern makes me a little dizzy I do like the pouch.

“Rockin’ Baby Pouches are a single loop of fabric that you put over your head. They are fully adjustable and reversible. They can be adjusted to four different sizes via hidden zippers before they are put on and usually reverse from a print pattern side to a very dad-friendly, solid color.” I actually tend to like this one a little better than the ring sling because the ring slides a bit on me. The pouch stays put because of the zippers. Gus likes both the snuggle and the hip hold.

I do have a friend who did not like this sling/pouch. I lent it to her to try and her response was that, as a larger woman, she found it very cumbersome and difficult to use. I, on the other hand, found it snug and easy to use. So, as we all know, slings are all about preference.

I also sent out a Query on both Facebook and Twitter (username – pickel). Almost everyone who responded stated that their favorite baby carriers were Baby Bjorn, Ergo, and Ring Slings (whatever brand).

Adoption Donations at SlingCycle:

One of the BEST  things I have heard of this year is Nonny & Boo’s new Sling Cycle program.

We at Nonny & Boo (formerly Nest Baby Sling) are proud to kick off our new venture, SlingCycle! The benefits of baby-wearing are immense, but all too often babies who could benefit most, miss out.

Through SlingCycle our hope is that all babies have a chance to be worn and we’ll do our part by recycling and repairing used slings and distributing them to orphanages, NICU’s and adoptive parents.

Post from: Blisstree

The Best Baby Slings for Adoption

AJ loves playing with me in the afternoon.

Some Fine Motor Activities that he gets to chose from:
*Handwriting (I printed and laminated these so that we could use them over and over again)
*Pegs He not only has to stack or create the designs but he also has to string them, match colors, and use fine motor skills when cleaning up.
* Lite-Brite Cube (ah, brings back memories, doesn’t it?) but AJ loves it…
*Cut and Paste Activities like this one. Yes, I am a little anxious with cutting but I do let him try it when he is calm.
*Tracing can be a fantastic fine motor skill and can be fun for kids while you are making dinner or lunches. It is a great activity for AJ after he comes home from school and needs to calm down.
*Making snow balls with old newspaper.
*Using a screw driver to take batteries out of toys (this is a favorite).
*Lacing Rice Pasta onto shoe strings.
*Turning over memory cards without bringing them to the edge of the table because that would be cheating…
*Playing “hit the balloon” with one or two fingers, tracking the balloon with the eyes across the room.

Post from: Blisstree

Developing fine motor skills

He is a child that is so endearing and beautiful that one can’t help but stare at him when he is awake or asleep. He is timid with strangers, loving and cuddly with those with whom he is familiar, and simply put, he radiates happiness.

He…

• loves to dance to music (his favorites right now are an Elmo boom box and my RideMakerz Princess car that plays music)

• he is a sucker for a jumpy (and even fell asleep in it this evening)

• follows me everywhere
• sleeps like a champ
• rarely cries…mainly if he is hungry or if he can’t get Elmo to play music
• will eat almost anything
• loves water just like AJ
• had a perfect well-visit
• loves to cuddle and give hugs to his mama and papa
• LOVES the dog
• plays keep-away
• loves Dora, Diego, and all things Noggin (in Spanish)
• Really liked the snow this morning
• is ticklish and has the BEST giggle in the world
• shares
• And, is a mover and a shaker.

However,

We are starting to see some small control issues already…he is already demanding things his way. And in our house that does not fly. A little work now means a lot less later is our philosophy. So, we will set to work now.

If you want to follow our journey please stick with me. It should be interesting. The next two weeks may be sporadic but I will be back in full swing soon. Just bare with me.

Post from: Blisstree

Radiating

Adoption took it’s toll on me. It almost killed my marriage. It wore me down to my very breaking point. And I had absolutely no one who understood what I was going through.

Luckily, Eric and I sought professional help in the form of an attachment therapist. We got AJ all of the medical and emotional help he needed and he has thrived.

Does it get better? Do the children stop fighting you and start to feel safe? Do they relax and start sleeping? Do they attach? Do they start loving and liking, start listening and understanding who is in charge?

Yes, they do. But it takes time.

AJ still has trouble recognizing when he is safe and understanding that he is not the one in charge. And it is a control issue with him. And it is hard on us. One day at a time, still.

Sleep comes, gradually. Patience comes, gradually. Attachment comes, in the strangest of ways. I remember when I knew AJ was finally, finally starting to REALLY attach…we were at an indoor playground in the local mall and he started tracking where I was, wondering where I was wherever he went on the playground. HE wanted to feel safe and know I was there for him. He was not running off on his own, he was thinking, consciously, about me, his mama, for the first time.

Everyone may fail at laundry or at dusting…at making dinners or at picking up the toys the first 6 months or the first year. But that is TOTALLY okay, especially when adopting an older child. What is really important is being a good mom, not having a clean house. There were days that I never even got the dishes done because I spent over half the day calming AJ’s tantrums or changing parasitic diapers. And that, to me, was an accomplishment.

The good thing is that you won’t fail at being a parent as long as your children are fed, bathed, and clothed. Accepting help is not a failure and it took me a LONG, LONG time to admit this (and I still do it). I want to do the mothering things by myself. I want to maintain my household myself because I should be able to do that, right?

But, when I was sleep deprived, not getting enough to eat, and being beat up my a two year old all day… I was emotionally and physically drained. And I needed to ask, and accept, help.

Our lives are going to change again in a few weeks and I’m praying Gus will not be the hitting type like AJ was, as I am not sure my nose can take anymore hits without breaking (yes, seriously). I don’t want to accept help but I know I will have to. I know that AJ will be jealous and frustrated. And I know I will have to have him out of the house at times. I know I will be sleep deprived again.

And this time I will welcome help so long as I get to cuddle with both my boys at the end of the day.

Post from: Blisstree

When Does it Get Better?

Please read her elegant words.

Post from: Blisstree

Birth Mother: On Being Thankful

From Attachment Disorder.net

Post from: Blisstree

Causes of Attachment Disorders in Adoption

2. Lack of eye contact

3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers

4. Lack of ability to give and receive affection on parents’ terms (not cuddly)

5. Inappropriately demanding and clingy

6. Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter

7. Poor peer relationships

8. Low self esteem

9. Extreme control problems – may attempt to control overtly, or in sneaky ways
B. Poor cause and effect thinking:

1. Difficulty learning from mistakes

2. Learning problems – disabilities, delays

3. Poor impulse control
C. Emotional development disturbed: child shows traits of young child in “oral stage”

1. Abnormal speech patterns

2. Abnormal eating patterns
D. Infantile fear and rage. Poor conscience development.

1. Chronic “crazy” lying

2. Stealing

3. Destructive to self, others, property

4. Cruel to animals

5. Preoccupied with fire, blood, and gore
E. “Negative attachment cycle” in family

1. Child engages in negative behaviors which can’t be ignored

2. Parent reacts with strong emotion, creating intense but unsatisfying connection

3. Both parent and child distance and connection is severed

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption and Attachment Disorder Common Behaviors

Cherrio Kisses: Place a Cherrio between your lips and allow the baby or toddler to kiss you and take it from your lips. For older children this can be done with graham crackers, Teddy Grahams, Nilla Wafers, etc. This works on eye contact, sharing, and allows physical contact on a limited basis.

Mirror Image: Sit in front of a mirror and make funny faces at the mirror. Try to mimic the ones he/she does.

Bubbles: Blow bubbles (outside) in close proximity and pop them. Work on the letter B for Bubble and P for PPPPOp.

Peek-a-boo with hands, blanket, hood of jacket, from behind a door

This little piggy went to market with fingers or toes. AJ loved the Itzy Bitzy Spider because it went up and down his leg.

Lullaby singing. Cradle your child so that eye contact is maintained while you gently rock child and sing. Be sure to put child’s name and descriptions of the child’s features into the song whenever possible.

Blow raspberries on child’s arm, leg, belly, cheek. This is also a favorite because it involves wrestling and tickling.

“Pop” cheeks. Fill your mouth with air and gently guide your child’s hands to your cheeks to pop out the air and make a sound. Then do the same to the child.

Singing and rhyming couple with movement. Bouncing, dancing, rocking, moving arms or legs, fingers, etc. Simon Says games, although these can be quite hard for a child who does not know English or how to follow directions. I tried this with AJ several times when he was younger and he did not understand the cause and effect, follow the directions that the games required.

Post from: Blisstree

Attachment Activities for Adopted Toddlers