Do You Have a Deal Breaker?

Marye Audet — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 05:48:27 +0000

When Marc and I first got married I had a short list in my mind of things that would be deal breakers.

You know, the things that you feel that if they ever happen you are heading for the nearest lawyer? I think everyone has them, at least mentally. If he does xyz I am OUT OF HERE….

It’s funny but over the years I have dealt with almost all of those deal breakers and when they actually happened they weren’t deal breakers at all. They were mountains to climb, challenges to face, problems to over come..but that ’s all.

I finally realized that I don’t have any deal breakers, I only have a strong desire to live the rest of my life with Marc.

The first time I faced a deal breaker event I felt like my insides had been cut out, salted, marinated in jalapeno puree, and then returned to my body…upside down. But as I considered my options I could not imagine not feeling Marc’s hand on my back, or they way he looks at me sometimes. I could not imagine not having him fix me coffee and call me on the phone (when he was working he called or emailed daily, no matter what). Most of all I could not imagine kissing someone else…let alone…you know.

So my choices seemed clear to me. I could walk away and try to start over again or I could hang on and work it out.

I have read alot of information about second marriages. Alot of the time the spouses take the problems from the first marriage right into the second and if they don’t learn to deal with them properly they find themselves in the same cycles. This is not a criticism if you are in your second marriage…not at all…just what I have read.

Anyway I figured that there was no way I was going to stay single ..I very much like having a man in my life…and if I left and found someone else I was going ot have to learn to deal with a whole new set of issues.

My choice was to stay …and push through.

Because I chose to stay when the first deal breaker happened the next time something came up it was less difficult to know that we could work through it…and so on.

When we have issues come up now it is less of a challenge. The decision has been made, we just need to figure out how to make things work.

Every strong marriage I know has faced hardship of some sort. Health issues, infidelity, anger issues, money difficulties, in laws, children, and on and one. They remain strong for one reason and one reason only…

Good marriages are not marriages without problems, they are marriages without deal breakers.