I am the mother of an 24 year old daughter with an ED (1.bulimia..binge eating..and sometimes falls into the anorexic trap)…..she has been in recovery for at least 3 years…she has been under the influence of her ED for about 14 years give or take a day???

I really can’t remember when I knew she had an ED…or found out about it. Maybe a couple years ago…?? After awhile those numbers don’t mean anything anymore…I don’t care how long she’s had it, I only care that today she is alive and well and walking forward in her recovery. I think in all honesty that is all one can hope for. Each day is a gift…good or bad…she is alive.

Being the parent of a child with an eating disorder is not a club I wanted to join…but here I am…each day I learn something new, today I am learning that it is important for the both of us to let go.

Anxiety, fear, sorrow…and unfortunately many times ANGER…why??? The one word for which there is no answer…the one word I WANT an answer for…but that I know after many anguished and angry conversations…there is no why…it just is.

(read more after the break!)

The road I travel each day is NOTHING in comparison to the road she travels. I cannot, nor ever will fully understand what she has to go through each day just to survive. I know that she often lives in a hell that no one but a fellow ed sufferer could ever understand.

I have learned to accept the need for sponsors, and counselors, and food plans, and all those rigid rules she sets and lives by…I may not like them and feel angry sometimes that her life is the way it is…but I am learning to accept that she is NOT her eating disorder…and that I have to accept her for her and ignore the ed to the best of my abilities!

Sometimes I know my anger is because I cannot FIX it…I cannot make it go away…and I cannot do the work for her.

That’s what Moms are supposed to do…fix it.

I have had to let go of that mentality and recognize that this is something only she can do…I can be part of her support team (when she wants me), but that is all I can do. That has been the hardest lesson for me!

I have to learn to understand that when she is angry to step back..and not to take her anger personally…I also have begun to learn that if I am angry and express it…it isn’t my fault if she relies on her ed to deal with the emotions..I am not the cause..and she makes her own choices….. So as peace offerings I buy grapefruit and tofu for her and listen to her rant and wash her dishes…and often just cry. and say thank you to whatever gods are listening that I have her beautiful presence in my life for another day.

I read so many blogs on the internet by other people who have eating disorders and my heart just breaks for them…so many are estranged from their mothers and families and that alone makes me want to take them all in and just love them.

I cannot imagine (even though we drive each other insane!!) ever not having her in my life, or having her have to fight this battle alone….although I know 99% of the time she does…she also knows that I am here when she needs me. I think my role could be described as cheerleader….which would annoy the crap out of her…because sometimes I get on my own nerves!

Today was a turning point in a long hard week…one of those days when you cry for what seems like no reason…and everything seems out of focus…but at the end of the day when I called her, we were able to talk about some of the positives that have happened in the past year…her own recognizing that letting herself FEEL her feelings wasn’t’ going to kill her…and recognizing that YES we will have BAD days…but they are only days, and not the end of the world…that words are only words and that there are more good things than there are bad to be grateful for….

Of course I cried…and annoyed her…but we both ended our conversation with gratitude for each other…and that is all that is really important. That and getting rid of ED….he’s getting a little more transparent with each passing day

So that is my story…I could write volumes…I think probably the most important thing I can say is that with the tears there is also laughter…and without the laughter we would not be where we are today.

Thank you for listening…and for also being honest and educating others about eating disorders on your blog in your email messages…

One of the things that I have discovered on this journey is how so many people have no idea…none what so ever…of the battle that people with eds have to fight each and every day..even doctors and counselors….that fact alone has spurred my daughter to go back to school and go into counseling for people with eating disorders and other addictions…”

I thank this woman for putting her experience out for all to read.  If you would like to share a similar story of how EDs really affect people, drop me a line at lemonpepr(at)aol(dot)com.

Post from: Blisstree

Being the parent of a bulimic (a true story)

Eighth grade, the first year of my “official” ana status (in my opinion), was exciting but always somewhat overwhelming.  I was quickly losing weight, but confidence in my appearance wasn’t occurring simultaneously.  That school year was definitely spent experimenting with different ways to starve, hide food, avoid eating, and the like.

The next year, ninth grade, was truly not as bad.  Sure, I was holding myself to a certain weight, but I wasn’t making myself go any further down numbers-wise.  I had friends that year and liked to hang out with them.  So even though the anorexia was hanging around, it didn’t define me nearly as much as it did the previous year.

Then came tenth grade and with it a whole host of problems.  Boyfriends.  (Bad ones.)  Senior high.  (You try being a skinny geek.)  Depression.  (Yep, I had it all goin’ on!)  I alternated between starving myself and bingeing when out with a group.  Yet through it all I maintained my weight within a few pounds. 

Eleventh grade was Hell.  Hell.  Hell.  I can’t even describe how horrendous it was.  Ana and I couldn’t have been much closer.

Then came senior year and with it a slight reprieve from the emotionally draining anorexia.  I felt a little stronger, a little freer, a little more confident in who I was as a person. 

The moral of this long tale?  Anorexia doesn’t always take the place of a downward spiral.  Sometimes it fluctuates, which is probably why so many loved ones ignore their relatives and friends with eating disorders.  See, they expect that if you’re gaining weight and feeling better that the anorexia, bulimia or binge eating must have disappeared! 

But we know otherwise, don’t we?

Post from: Blisstree

EDs: Not always a downward spiral

My name is Colleen Schreyer and I am a graduate student in clinical psychology at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County.

As part of my master’s thesis, I am collecting data on individuals who have engaged in binge eating. I am hoping to collect survey information from large groups of people to provide a more accurate picture of binge eating and how
people feel about their relationship with food.

The survey takes approximately 30 minutes, and all participants are entered in a drawing to win an Apple Ipod. Any information collected would remain confidential and participants may be assured that I will maintain their anonymity.

I’ve taken the survey and it’s quite easy to fill out.  You can click to it here.

I’m hoping to receive a copy of the results and will post them here!

Post from: Blisstree

You might want to take this eating disorders survey

The first question I received is:

• Do anorexics secretly (or not so secretly) really think less of bulimics? Or binge eaters?

I think it’s a fair inquiry and I encourage you to reply in the comments section. 

Honestly, when I was actively restricting, I didn’t even think of bulimia or binge eating.  It wasn’t “my thing” and I was too self-absorbed to worry about what someone else was doing.  But I’ve heard that there is indeed some “class warfare” among different ED sufferers.  (Want to read some scathing comments about yours truly?  Check out this post.  Wow!  What a can of worms that opened!)

Post from: Blisstree

Ask ED: The Real Scoop

Therefore, I suppose it shouldn’t be too surprising that plenty of women and men with eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating turn to self-mutilation.

Don’t believe me? Just head to any pro-ana or pro-mia discussion board. (Or don’t – I wouldn’t want them to trigger any latent EDs.) The subject of “cutting” appears far more frequently than you might imagine.

I’ve tried to uncover figures to see how many anorexics, bulimics and binge eaters tend to “cut” or perform another self-injurious action. Here’s what I’ve found thus far:

• At CaringOnline the authors report that “…A study by Favazza and Conterio (1989) states that episodic and repetitive self-mutilation are frequently seen in conjunction with, or as a replacement for, eating disorders. In a study of 290 self-mutilating women, they found that 22% of the subjects suffered from only bulimia nervosa, 15% from anorexia nervosa and 13% from both disorders, for a total of 50%.”

• At MentalHelp.net, Allan Schwartz, Ph.D. states “…It is not unusual for some people suffering from eating disorders to engage in direct bodily self-harm in an attempt to reduce the emotional pain and suffering. The self-harm can occur in the form of cutting and self-mutilation with a razor, knife or any sharp instrument.”
• TroubledTeen101 claims “…because teens who self-injure or self-mutilate often do not know how to ask for help, it is important to watch for some of these signs that a teen may be harming him or herself, or is at risk for doing so:… Unexplained injuries, such as cuts, scratches, burns, bruises, etc.;… A history of eating disorders…”

When I was at my worst, I never cut, but I would sometimes hit my thighs as hard as I could just to FEEL something besides the agony of loneliness and depression.

Does this whole connection between eating disorders and self-harm resonate with you?

Post from: Blisstree

On the “cutting” edge of eating disorders

I understand.  I’m a parent, too, and I’ve battled anorexia as both a teen and an adult.

To help you gain an understanding of how insipid anorexia, bulimia and binge eating can be, I’ve compiled a list of eight warning signs that an eating disorder could be on the horizon.

1.  Your child constantly complains of being “fat”.

I don’t care if your child IS currently overweight — do not ignore this sign!  If all your kid talks about is how big he or she feels, it’s a problem.  And even if your son or daughter could stand to lose a few pounds, it isn’t normal for kids (especially little ones) to obsess over the shape of their bodies.

2.  Your child runs to the bathroom after eating.

Okay, so this isn’t always a bad sign — sometimes they simply have to do their “business”.  But if it’s happening after every meal and he or she takes a considerable amount of time in the lavatory, it could signal something’s amiss, such as purging.  (Remember — purging doesn’t have to follow bingeing.  Many people with ED-NOS purge just about anything they ingest, whether it’s a large portion or a teensy one.)  Listen for sounds of vomiting or tooth brushing after every trip to the bathroom.

3.  Your child’s friends are all on diets.

Warning!  Danger!  Peer pressure has been known to trigger anorexia and bulimia, especially when every member in the group your child pals around with is regularly dieting.  Though you can’t necessarily choose your child’s friends after a certain age, you can help him or her see that the friends who think they need to diet are mistaken.

4.  Your child is withdrawn, moody, ashen, lethargic.

Okay, so this sounds like most ‘tweens and teens, right?  Not so!  I teach kids of this age, and the idea that they’re all a bunch of brats is simply not true.  Sure, they get in bad moods… but don’t you?  If a dark mood persists, however, it could warn of clinical depression, which is known to go hand-in-hand with the onset of eating disorders.

5.  Your child stops eating foods he or she used to enjoy.

Cake is out.  Candy is verboten.  Meat?  Ha!  Though there’s nothing wrong with a kid changing tastes in food, watch out for signs that he or she is starting to eliminate major types of foods — fats, sugars, carbs — from his or her daily intake.  I know that becoming a vegan (or at least a vegetarian) is “in vogue” right now, but keep a watchful eye.  Many anorexics hide their conditions by claiming that they no longer “like” or “want to eat” groups of foods.

6.  Your child wears heavier clothes, even when it’s hot outside.

Red flag!  In 100 degree temps, most kids want to at least wear a short sleeve t-shirt with shorts!  But I’ve seen MANY young men and women dressed like they’re ready to hit the ski slopes during a heat wave.  Eating disorders rob a person of his or her ability to regulate body temperature; if your son or daughter is sporting several layers in July, keep an eye on him or her.

7.  Your child loves to talk about eating disorders.

This was me.  I loved to talk about anorexia.  I borrowed books on eating disorders from the library again and again.  I wrote ESSAYS on eating disorders, for crying out loud!  (And my mother made fun of one of them in eighth grade, by the way.  That was at the beginning of my disorder.  I really resented her for that for a long time.)  Many of us who have tangoed with ana or mia can’t get enough information on the conditions.  We crave knowledge about this insidious disease.  (Hey, look at me — I’m in recovery and I’m STILL talking about it!)

8.  Your child suddenly wants a scale.

No child innocently wakes up one day desperately wanting a scale.  A Hannah Montana CD, yes.  The latest $100+ pants, sure.  A trip to Disneyworld, absolutely.  But not a freakin’ scale.  So if your kid starts bugging you to buy one (or goes out and buys one for him- or herself out of the blue), don’t just shrug your shoulders.  Pry a little.  Be a parent.  Be tough.  Be loving.

Remember:  You are the adult.  I don’t care how much your kids bitch and moan about you being unfair or not understanding them.  You’re often the FIRST PERSON to see the signs that an eating disorder could be in the cards.  Don’t look away — please.

Post from: Blisstree

Eight Pre-Eating Disorder Warning Signs Parents Can’t Ignore (but often do anyway)

Obviously, that’s not healthy.  But it’s not surprising, either; this is an eating disorder recovery community, after all!

Consequently, far be it from me to judge.  However, I do have a question for those who binge and purge (or simply binge):

• What’s your binge food of choice?

If you feel that’s too sensitive an area to talk about, I understand.  But as a recovering/former anorexic, I have always been curious about bulimia.  Do you eat whatever you can?  Or do you tend to eat “forbidden” foods, like ice cream, pizza and chips?

Post from: Blisstree

Your favorite binge food

I always ask myself, “Why didn’t the mom/dad know?  Why didn’t she/he do anything?”  See, I’ve witnessed a lot of parents turning a blind eye to anorexia, bulimia and binge eating in their kids. 

I have some personal theories on the subject that I’d like to share.  They aren’t definitive by any means, of course, but are only thoughts.  Feel free to share yours, too.

1.  They don’t understand what an eating disorder is.  This is tough to accept, since it feels like “everyone” should know about EDs.  But the fact is that they don’t.  So if they are ignorant of anorexia and bulimia, they aren’t going to suspect them.

2.  They are eating disordered themselves.  I think that for some families, eating disorders and ED behaviors are hereditary.  Thus, a mom who sees her daughter avoiding food may not find it that unusual since she’s doing it herself.

3.  They like the results.  Let’s face it; for some parents, hearing, “Wow!  Your daughter is beautiful and thin!  She could be a model!” probably makes their heads swell.  It’s much easier to accept words like those in our society than to hear, “Your kid really needs to lose weight.”

4.  They just don’t care.  I hate to admit it, but I know some moms and dads don’t give two figs about their offspring.  Sad, but true.

5.  They are ashamed.  Parents tend to think that everything their kids do reflects negatively on them.  So if they admit there’s a problem, they’ll be forced to put themselves in the spotlight. 

That’s all I have… how about you?

Post from: Blisstree

Why do parents ignore eating disorders?

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Post from: Blisstree

Summer Solstice Audience Participation… part V

• “If you’d just eat, you’d get over this thing.”
• “Just stop thinking about it and it’ll go away.”
• “Be logical — stop thinking emotionally.”

What really stupid advice have you gotten for your anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS or binge eating?

Post from: Blisstree

Seeking the dumbest advice for eating disorder sufferers