Do we talk to AJ about his birth mother? No. He can’t handle it yet. I wish he could but he can’t. We talk to him, instead about Russia. About the orphanage. About the country he came from, not about “where” he came from.

I wish I could because she is part of me too. No matter where my child is from his birth parents are a part of him and we need to teach him that. We need to show him that. With AJ we just need to allow him to guide us and let us know when it is the right time.

To define open adoption would be like defining the word faith. Every open adoption is different in that every family has their own degree of openness in which they are comfortable. Technically Open Adoption refers to the sharing of information and/or contact between the adoptive and biological parents of an adopted child. This can occur before, during and/or after the placement of the child. However, there are typically three types of open adoption: confidential (minimal information shared), mediated (information mediated through an agency), and fully disclosed (involves full disclosure between adoptive and birth parents).

Adoptive parents should know that having the birth parents in their lives does not have to be a threatening situation. Having them close allows you to better know your child by knowing the birth parents.

Additionally, research conducted back in 1993 shows that adoptive parents and birth mothers are generally satisfied despite the “normal” amounts of grief that accompanies adoption.

Read some Birth Mother Stories at Adoptive Families

Read these stories on Open Adoption.

Post from: Blisstree

The Basics of Open Adoption

Please read her elegant words.

Post from: Blisstree

Birth Mother: On Being Thankful

Adoption has always been a close topic to my heart. I was adopted when I was 8 months old. I went back and forth for years when I was a teenager trying to decide if I wanted to search out my birth mom. I never took that leap of faith and I really didn’t realize why until I was older. It was because I was scared. I was scared that I would open myself and my family up to a relationship that would be destructive. I had enough destructive relationships in my life at the time to keep 5 of me busy. Why add one more?

I also had the fear of not being wanted. What if I did finally find my birth mom and then she wanted nothing to do with me? What if I opened up old wounds for her that she had tried so hard to forget? For years and years there were these questions swirling around in my head. So, I did nothing until late one night on a whim.

It was very late and I was surfing the Internet. I ended up on this adoption forum. How? To this day I still don’t know how or why, but it was an event that would change my life forever. I was reading all these postings from people who were searching for their birth parents or from ones who had already found them. There was one comment that hit me so hard that I just sat there at my computer sobbing. One girl had finally tracked down her birth mom after looking for 2 years. When she finally found out who she was, it was too late. Her birth mom had already passed away. She was devastated and offered one word of advice to those of us thinking about taking that leap. She said “Do it”. Do it before it’s too late and you end up regretting a decision that you can never take back.

So, I took her advice and started my search. I was one of the lucky ones. It took me only two weeks to find out who my birth mom was and get her contact info. How did I do it so fast? I found some old Texas documents that someone had scanned and posted on the Internet. They were old birth records from the county I was born in. I scanned and scanned the document until I found my birth date. All I had to do was match my birth certificate number to one of the names of the women.

I had to rush order a birth certificate and when it got to me, I ripped that envelope open so fast, grabbed the documents I had printed out and one of the numbers matched. To say that I had a dozen emotions flooding through my body would be an understatement! I was excited, scared, elated, happy and totally freaking out all at once. Now I just had to track down my birth mom’s married name and address. I contacted one of the adoption angels from the forum I visited and within a day she sent me who she was 99% sure was my adopted mom’s information. She suggested writing her a letter instead of calling because calling is a little invasive. So, I wrote the letter, put a picture of my family in there and mailed it off. That was in August of 2006.

On July 4^th, I received an email from my birth mom. I was shaking as I read the email. I had no idea what to expect. Would she tell me to leave her alone? Would she be happy? Needless to say, she was ecstatic to hear from me. We emailed back and forth a few times and then I called her. Hearing her voice, MY birth mom’s voice for the first time was an experience I will never forget. I felt so complete at that moment. I finally knew that she was something that was missing in my life. She was someone that I needed and I had waited all these years to do something about it. I will not allow myself to regret waiting so long, but instead look toward the future.

My birth mom was married and had two kids who were younger than I was. We all wanted to meet, so she flew me out to Texas to spend a few days with them. For my entire childhood and teenage years we lived 30 minutes from each other. 30 minutes!! I spent a few days in September of 2006 with her and her family. I was able to meet her mom, her sisters, her husband and kids. It was an instant bond with everyone. My half sister and I are so alike it’s scary.

A few months later, her and her family visited Georgia, where we were living at the time, and they got to meet my husband and 3 kids. Again, instant bonding. We had so much fun together and felt like we had known each other for years.

It’s now been over two years since she came into my life and it has been amazing. I don’t get to see them as much as I would like, but we talk on the phone and she sends my kids crazy good packages for their birthdays, Christmas and other holidays. My kids call her grandma and her husband grandpa, as well as my half sister and brother aunt and uncle. It just felt natural for them to call them that.

I am so thankful for that late night that I decided to surf the Internet and ended up on that adoption forum. I am so thankful for the fact that my birth mom wanted me in her life and that things have worked out so amazingly well. I know that my case is rare. I have had people who are adopted hear my story and it has made them want to search out their birth parents. I always advise them to not go into it with any expectations. Just take that leap of faith only if you are truly ready for whatever may happen.

Thanks for listening to my story. I would love to hear some of yours!

–
Julie Bonner
Staff Writer
www.b5media.com

Post from: Blisstree

Guest Post: A Natural Tie

In my family’s case, in 2005 our lives were changed forever when a pregnant woman went to our adoption agency and chose our profile from a pile of others. She and her partner, like my husband and me, were open to the idea of open adoption. She and her partner, like my husband and me, wanted to meet the other party involved before committing any further. In July, just two weeks before our daughter’s birth, we met for the first time.

After that first meeting, we agreed to moving forward with an open adoption, meaning that we would exchange identifying information, and that the adoption records would be, in essence, open. It meant that we could, when we were ready, exchange emails and phone numbers, and proceed with communication without the aid of our adoption agency.

The first few months after our daughter’s birth, we exchanged emails. We arranged for our first meeting since the day we took Megan home from the hospital via email, and met at the agency over the Christmas season. From there, Jane (not her real name) and I began calling more on the phone rather than email, and we began meeting at fun places, like the park, so that the children (she has an older son) could play. As we chatted more frequently, I got to see more of what was going on in her life. I could tell that I was becoming her sounding board for an array of things, from problems at work to dating dilemmas. In all honesty, the topic of adoption doesn’t often come up. Or it didn’t really come up, until last November when she called, telling us that she was expecting a child, in the summer of 2008.

During this pregnancy, we spoke even more often on the phone , and began text messaging as well. As is the case with many women who place children for adoption, Jane didn’t have much of a support network through this most recent pregnancy. I did a lot of listening over those nine months. She didn’t ask often for advice, and I didn’t offer any unsolicited. While my husband and I had talked about how we could plan in case she did chose adoption for this baby, I kept those thoughts to myself. She asked us in March if we would, in fact, adopt this new baby, and we were able to say yes. Would she have considered adoption for Andrew if we hadn’t developed a relationship? If she couldn’t call me directly and ask me? If she didn’t know she could find out how we were doing? I have no idea.

Since Andrew’s placement in June 2008, she’s made choices that makes visiting with the children inappropriate. We have had difficult conversations these past few months, mostly involving boundaries and healthy life choices. Through it all, she’s kept us posted where she is staying and how to reach her. She asks how the children are, and we talk about their older brother.

It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. It’s worth it for the tidbits that I learn through our conversations–the foods she craved while pregnant, the age she was when she got glasses, similarities between her older son and our children. It’s worth it when I get the phone call on election night last week, telling me that she voted for the very first time.

It is worth it because Megan and Andrew will know about their birthmother. They will know what she looks like, why she placed them for adoption, what her favorite things are. It is my intention to continue working on this relationship with Jane, so that they will be able to ask her any questions they may have surrounding their placement and/or background. It is worth it because I know so much more than I would if we weren’t in frequent contact. Details that may or may not matter to the children as they grow, but details I am glad that I know.

It is worth it because I am a mother to two incredible children, children who would not be with me if it were not for Jane. The least I can do is to make sure my children know who she is.

Post from: Blisstree

Guest Post: Worth it All

Today we have our first Guest Post from Overwhelmed with Joy, a mother who adopted domestically. On her blog she calls him Snuggle Bug. You can also read about their foster daughter, Boo, whom they would like to adopt. This Guest Post is about her son’s birth.

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My husband and I were one of the lucky adoptive couples that were allowed to be present the day our son was born, in December of 2004.  His birth parents called us as they were heading to the hospital and told us, “Get over here, quick!”   We raced to the car, our stomachs swirling with excitement and anxiety, and stamped down the urge to speed as we drove to the hospital.  We arrived before our son’s birth mother was taken to her birthing room.

We spent several hours chatting in the birthing room, trying to pass the time as we all waited.  Then, when the delivery began, we paced outside the door, listening for our son’s arrival.  We heard silence, and then suddenly the sound of tiny cries reached our ears.  Tears of joy began to fall down my cheeks!

Our son was placed in my arms at exactly 2 minutes old.  I was in a daze as the nurse hustled me to the private room they had set aside for us.  The warmth of the blanket that our son was wrapped in felt comforting.  I was so worried that I’d drop this precious, squirming bundle.  I looked down and saw a shock of dark brown hair sticking up every which way.  My first impressions of our son were, “So much hair” and “he’s so light!”

Our son was taken from my arms and, as the nurse attended to him and cleaned him up, my husband and I watched in stunned silence.  I counted his perfect fingers and toes to be assured that he had just the right number.  I soaked in every detail of him, from his dark hair, little button nose, healthy colored skin, and bright red lips.  He was breathtakingly beautiful, even in his fury at being poked and prodded by the nurse.

Our son’s first day with us was a whirlwind of activity, with frequent visits from his birth family and the nursing staff.  The hours flew by quickly and my husband and I were afraid to miss a single minute of time with him.   We treasured his tiny presence as we snuggled him close, rocked him, and fed him a bottle.  We fumbled a bit as we changed his diaper and dressed him in his tiny little clothes.  Even watching him sleep was a treat.

At some point during the day, my husband suggested we go to the hospital cafeteria and get a bit to eat.  I reluctantly wheeled our son in his bassinet from our private room to the nursery and turned him over to the nurses.  “Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of him,” one of the nurses promised us.  My husband and I ate quickly in the cafeteria because we both wanted to get back to our son.

Upon entering the nursery to pick up our son, I was met with the confusion of several crying babies.  My heart raced with amazement as I was able to pick our son’s cry out of all the other babies.  I followed the sound to his bassinet, which had been moved during our absence.  A nurse had our son striped naked and was changing his diaper.  He was expressing his displeasure.   I leaned over his bassinet and murmured, “It’s okay, baby.  Mama’s here.” 

At the sound of my voice, he instantly stopped crying and turned to look intently at me.  I was astounded that he recognized my voice and, without even a touch, was comforted by it!  It was then that I was reminded of his birth mother’s request, during her pregnancy, that we give her a CD recording of us reading children’s stories so she could play it to him while he was in her womb.  She wanted him to get to know our voices.  Apparently this effort made all the difference in the world! 

I gently lifted my son to cradle him close, breathed in my fill of his sweet baby smell, and softly stroked his cheek and face.   As we gazed at each other, a powerfully miraculous mother-son bond began to develop between the two of us. Three and a half years later, this bond has only gotten stronger with each passing day!

Post from: Blisstree

A Domestic Birth Story, Overwhelmed with Joy

Please see the CNA website or Guatadopt for more information.

Post from: Blisstree

Guatemala Birth Mother Interview Deadline

We don’t often talk with AJ about his adoption because it brings up memories for him that are very hard for him to process. We do talk to him about where he is from and we talk to him a little about Russia and the Desky Dom (orphanage) but we never actually talk with him about his birth mother or the actual process of adoption because he just does not understand it.

He gets very upset, angry, and violent with us because he does not understand that there is another person out there that is his mother (remember that his cognitive level is probably that of a 2.5 year old and he is just now starting to grasp simple things like language).

We used to read a lot of adoption books to him and talk to him a lot about his adoption and we saw the effect it was having on him…separation anxiety, trauma, and grief. We stopped and allowed him time just to adjust to life. This year, around his adoption day I want to start introducing some books again to see if he understands the idea and process of adoption.

One of the books I want to start with is Happy Adoption Day! because it is so positive.

From Publisher’s Weekly: The noted children’s singer/songwriter McCutcheon created this original song for those who might like to mark a special anniversary in their family’s life?adoption day. His thoughtful lyrics (the score is included, of course) emphasize the joy and wonder of the event?”Out of a world so tattered and torn,/ You came to our house on that wonderful morn/ And all of a sudden this family was born”? and there’s a rousing chorus just right for a festive party. In a move sure to accommodate many adoptive families, Paschkis (So Sleepy/Wide Awake) pictures the parents as white and the baby as Asian. Her gouache illustrations have a strong hint of traditional Scandinavian folk art, updated by bold color combinations, and they lend themselves particularly well to the multi-ethnic cast of friends and family with which she peoples each page. For a pleasingly themed read-aloud or gift, pair this volume with Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell’s equally merry Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born.

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Post from: Blisstree

Book Review: Happy Adoption Day

Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in “Peanuts”

There are days in our lives where we awaken delighted in what we are doing and there are days we awaken dreading what the sunshine will bring us. Most days we have control over the the kind of car we drive or what we eat…we even have control over what happens throughout the day. Should we answer that phone call or let it ring, pay the bills or forget about them until tomorrow?

What we don’t have control over is other’s actions, thoughts, feelings, whereabouts.

Anxiety sets in as I know that my future son’s birth mother meets with PGN today to tell her story all over again. Is her story true? In my gut I feel it is. But, what if it isn’t?

Post from: Blisstree

An Interview with a Birth Mother

Their latest story is that of an orphan in the 1950’s.

In 1994 they presented The Many Faces of Adoption with four families out of the 1.6 million American families with adoptive children.

Post from: Blisstree

NPR’s Adoption Series

Last week the AP reported that at least Guatemalan officials annulled at least 15 cases due to “improprieties”. Of the 160 cases they had reviewed 15 cases had anomalies and 2,126 were yet to be investigated. Thankfully, the 145 cases that were “clean” were allowed to move forward.

Unfortunately, the AP reported that criminal complaints are being filed against lawyers, doctors, social workers, and birth mothers because of these cases. The problem is that they have misled officials and adoptive families throughout the entire process and they have taken money for the work they have done for children that may not officially be available for adoption.

For good news;

Two couples that we know heard from their agency that their birth mothers were interviewed and their cases will now move on to the review process in PGN.

Post from: Blisstree

Positive Birth Mother Interviews