For the most part, there’s no harm that’s being done other than emotional stress and when the person comes into my home, they talk smack about me and ends up making me feel so bad and depressed.

I finally got the nerve to ask the person to stay away – but they refuse.

This person has come to my front door – before leaving, slammed the door shut.

This person has come to my home and came in and while I leave the room, they stay and talk to my husband while driving me into isolation IN MY HOME!

I hate confrontation – I loathe arguments and I just want this person to STAY AWAY!

Any advise on how to get rid of and keep rid of toxic people in an entirely legal way?

I don’t want people to have control enough over me that I get sick at my stomach and nervous. I don’t want them to force me into isolation in my own home and I don’t want to be mean to get them to go away.

Are people genuinely that mean and malicious that they would get some sort of gratification out of causing so much distress in another persons life?

How sad.

Post from: Blisstree

Toxic In Laws – A random soul cleansing vent

After my kids begged me to allow them to return to public school, so they could participate in the sports they love and return to the social scene they realized they loved, I agreed to let them return – but with strict rules in place.

They’ve adapted quite well to the re-entry and it seems their friends are excited to see them back. However, the return has caused a great deal of competition between two of the boys.

I didn’t realize the one boy had enjoyed his ‘alone’ time and individuality at school so much while the other two were being homeschooled. I don’t think he did either though.

Now that they other two have started back, it seems to have opened a huge can of worms where rumors are being started about one another in attempt to back mutual friends into a corner and force them to “pick a favorite” almost.

Having grown up in a home where my only sibling died after a lifelong illness and then in a house where my parents adopted a child 10 years younger, I’m not familiar with sibling rivalry and frankly it’s driving me NUTS!

I don’t find it normal – I don’t think it’s something that should be ignored and allow the kids to work it out – I think it’s rude and unacceptable and have to speak up when I see tensions growing.

Surely I’m not the only one. I must be ultra sensitive to tension – because stress of any kind in my house sends me into a depression and makes me physically ill to the point where nothing seems to work besides sleep.

I cannot imagine having 6, 8 or 18 kids – Dear God I would never survive!

Post from: Blisstree

But what if you never have anything nice to say?

A few facts:

• The son lives with the father and stepmom.
• Stepmom has child who is 18 and lives with father.
• Husband manages household finances in one account.
• Wife is told they are too broke and can’t give her son money for car repairs
• Husband spends a great deal on his child’s sports activities
• The couple have a small toddler together

Given that set of circumstances above, what do you think would be the best solution for this families conflict?

Being in a blended family and second marriage, I believe whole-heartedly in split finances. I know resentment can grow when one parent takes more than their share from the family budget for their own kids – but if the parents contribute their own portion to the family budget and then provide for their children out of what’s left over, that’s entirely up to them what and how it’s spent.

If the mother has two kids and the father has one kid living in the household from the previous marriage – then the father would be responsible for 2 parts of the overall household budget while the mother is responsible for 3 parts. I believe in equal portions.

Being in a blended family is very different. Resentment can set in and grow – and finances seem to be the primary cause of those resentments. I believe in eliminating the potential for conflict from the start. Keep the bank accounts separate.

What are your thoughts? Please do share!

Post from: Blisstree

Second Marriages, Blended Families and Separate Finances

Those who know me, know how I feel about blended families and how much unique respect blended families require. Being married five years has me resigning to the fact that I can’t force others to respect my unique family, but what I can do is not permit those who lack respect to enter our lives anymore than they absolutely have to.

I’m not sure I’ll ever understand what compels people to look upon a family who has chosen to blend, a family that steps up to a challenge that very few can master and discount that union in any way. I suppose it takes those displays of tarnished character to help me and my family determine where our own efforts and relationships should lie.

My blended family has certainly offered it’s own challenges over the last five years and this last week has been the greatest test of my own character. It was difficult to bite my tongue, to not return the chilling stares and more difficult still, as a mother, to step aside and watch as my children were treated as second or third class citizens. For six hours, out of respect for the deceased, we sat quietly and gave the immediate family room to process and mourn as they needed to.

I watched as the “grandchildren” were called on to participate in a small symbolic ceremony of each placing a flower next to the grandfather, as tribute while the “step” grandchildren were not asked to join in. Although later, my husband took his ‘children’ to create their own moment of tribute with their own flowers.

I found that most touching, that my husband would recognize and participate in such an effort during such a difficult time.

Thankfully my boys are now fifteen and recognize when people are acting in a way that teaches us how not to act rather than seeing their actions as hurtful and allowing them that power. I’ve taught them well to recognize mean people and to know that mean people just suck.

There were several acts on the parts of the family that caused me pause – wondering if those actions were “proper” and rather than say anything that might appear petty, I chose to do some research on proper funeral etiquette to see if my observations were amiss – thankfully I can take pride in knowing my parents and grandparents raised me proper and that I can take pride in recognizing when some actions are just rude, crude and completely uncalled for.

We have learned several valuable lessons this last week and if nothing else good comes from this experience, my husband was given a true glimpse at life without his father and can now rest assured that his father was never the man a select few had tried to make him out to be. In fact, he was a remarkable man, strong character and had obviously touched many lives – some visitors waited in excess of 2 1/2 hours to pay their respects to the man and his family. In his passing, he is leaving others behind who will have to finally take ownership of their own actions, their own decisions and their own petty ways.

Post from: Blisstree

When death occurs in a blended family

I know there are times when many mom’s feel extremely alone or as if they are living in an isolated case of clash of the in-laws, but this family and marital issue is as old as marriage itself.

As best I can tell, and I could be wrong, this is most common with the mother’s of the husbands – where the problems do actually exist.

I have to admit, I have a wonderful relationship with my EX in-laws and know just how lucky I am when it comes to them. I try to remember to tell them often how special they are and how much their respect, consideration and ongoing support is to me.

The new(er) in-laws on the other hand, challenge me in ways I never thought of being challenged.

Earlier in the week, I wrote about my broken blended family and while it’s certainly broken, it’s not beyond repair – as this week has shown. We’ve had a great deal of family discussion – mostly initiated by the kids who want this family thing to work out. The one thing we all agree upon is the constant interference of the grandmother/mother/mother-in-law has driven a wedge between this family and has nearly shattered it beyond repair.

We’ve developed a plan that we hope to test over the next six months or so – to see if what’s broken can be fixed. The effort we will use as the solid adhesive that will hold the pieces together is to place the opposing forces that be in the position of either respecting us as the blended family we are or exiting our lives – period!

There will be no more of this enabling those efforts that are weighing so heavily on this family – there will be no more segregating the children in a way that is unacceptable to our family – there will be no more just stopping in uninvited and there will certainly be no criticizing our efforts to deal with the mental illness, depression and anxiety we struggle with daily. If people aren’t willing to attend the same groups we do to understand the illnesses and then we certainly have the right to refuse their input on how to deal and live with those conditions.

I can’t say how things will work out – I can’t say I’m making the wisest decisions at this time, but I can say I’m making decisions that will allow me to lay my head down at night knowing I’ve given it my very best.

Post from: Blisstree

Keeping Parenting Peace With Your In-Laws

My stepson has been planning and looking forward to going to his mother’s for the four day holiday weekend. He does participate in school sports and this has created a problem.

He explained to the coach that ‘by law’ he has to go to his mother’s in another state for the holiday. There is a wrestling meet that will take place on Saturday over the holiday weekend and one practice that he will miss as the result.

The coach informed him there may be some punishment if he misses both.

Have I said lately just how glad I am to be homeschooling my kids?

My husband seems to think he should be punished because he made the commitment to the team and he should follow through on his commitment.

Let me just state that my stepson told his dad he didn’t want to wrestle and his dad is making him – because DAD loves wrestling.

Now, my thoughts are:

1. Schools and coaches should NOT punish a child for spending time with a non-custodial parent who lives in another state. IF the mother lived closer than a 2 hour drive, I could see them trying to make accommodations to get the kid to his obligation.

2. Since DAD is the one who wanted the kid to wrestle, the dad should be the one to take the punishment for the kid.

3. Dad should not make the kid feel like he should be choosing his school and team over his parent.

Please tell me if I’m off base here. I know I don’t think clearly most times and that I do tend to look at life through rose colored glasses – but this is the type of thing that has me growing more and more distant from school sports.

We aren’t living in the same times as when we were teens. Most families are blended and during the holidays, kids should be able to enjoy the holidays with their families.

Thoughts?

Post from: Blisstree

Blended Family Holidays – A challenge with public schools

It’s been five years since I became the step-mother character in my own blended family reality series having been familiar with and playing only the mother role in life. During that time I have endured some of the most complicated, frustrating challenges I’ve ever known.

Having been raised in a split family that was often referred to as overly functional – I have a difficult time grasping any concept that doesn’t offer a unique respect to the blended family itself. And find it very difficult to offer respect to any one person who doesn’t attempt to offer that unique respect that blended families need.

When two people make the decision to blend a family and each partner has children from a previous marriage, the last thing that family is going to need is a controlling parent/grandparent sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong and where it wasn’t requested – much less one who is sneaky and finds ways to control every possible situation they can even if it means using the children to accomplish their goal.

I won’t say I’ve been without fault – I’m sure my obsessive compulsive, work-a-holic tendencies are not so easy to live with, but for someone who appreciates order, structure and stability, having someone thrown in the mix who lacks that respect has essentially injected a lethal dose of chaos that has left me feeling broken to a point that I feel deep down is truly irreversible.

I’m not sure how my blended family would adjust to life without the negative influence and at this point, I’m not sure that’s even an option. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell my husband that he must choose between his family and his wife and hers. I think that’s a decision that should be made without suggestion.

With less than two weeks left until I move to my home – the home where no one can threaten to put me and my kids on the streets – the home where I will NEVER again hear, pack your kids and your sh*t and get the F out – a home where I can great negative forces at the door and politely inform them that I no longer have room in my life for their influence and ask them to leave – I feel as though I’m looking in the face of a whole new freedom.

One of the biggest worries I’ve had over the last several months was that the last few years of my kids “childhood” were going to spent in turmoil – not anymore.

At the moment it would appear that divorce is going to be my next big challenge, but after what I’ve been through the last couple of years – I don’t fear a thing. In fact, it’s appearing to be the oasis in the dry desolate life I’ve been stumbling through.

Image credit: stock.xchng

Post from: Blisstree

When the Blended Family Breaks

Ever since my kids were tiny, I’ve seen what split families and blended families should be like based on my own relatives who live in overly functional dysfunctional families.

I’ve attended birthday parties where the mother, stepfather, father, stepmother, both sets of grandparents and step-grandparents were in attendance and everyone got along!

Just before Halloween, I went to the mailbox and pulled out three envelopes from my EX-sister-in-law – each one addressed to my boys (her nephews) and one to my stepson(no relation to her whatsoever). In the packages, the boys found a collection of surprises, each one equal to the others.

This is by far the biggest challenge I struggle with almost daily, in my current situation. It’s been made known that I’m expected to treat all the kids equally, yet those who expect me to comply with their expectations show little to no respect for our unique situation and continuously divide the kids – because two are their “blood relatives” and the other two are not.

I’ll be very honest when I say it’s this struggle that has me wondering if blending families is really worth it? While I’ve not been one who tries to take the easy way out – I refuse to teach my kids that he who bitches loudest wins. I’ve been told that I should be the bigger person and just let it go because some people can’t be changed – but I can’t just let it go.

I believe blended families require a very unique respect. If those outside the blended house cannot appreciate their uniqueness, they should step away, stay away and not cause unnecessary conflict or turmoil in a situation that’s challenging to begin with.

How, if at all, can you insist that people respect your blended family? How can you keep their lack of respect from tearing your family apart?

Post from: Blisstree

Blended Families – Can you weather the great divide?

Naturally, carting two boys around, they’re bound to get hungry – as if there’s any getting hungry to it. With my three, I don’t think the hunger ever really goes away, they just seem to forget food and replace it with something like a hot girl or video game.

We decided to hit up a pizza joint so I could have the salad buffet and they could order what they wanted.

I sat in silence, amazed at the words that spewed from their mouths when the waitress began to take their order.

Each kid ordered a medium pizza and an order of breadsticks. That was their meal! EACH!

The waitress chuckled, made some tongue in cheek remark about boys and walked away.

When she returned later with the bill, she whispered to me that she had not charged me for the buffet. She said we mom’s of boys have to stick together.

I know it’s not right to remove items from someone’s bill like that, but when it’s a buffet and the like, I think they have a little room to play with. Regardless, conversations ensued and I found myself in awe of this woman who was obviously worn and tired. When she told me she had SIX boys, I felt I should bow at her feet or something.

What I did, seemed the only thing I could do – was to leave her a very nice tip.

I’ve been a waitress before – I know the job is very hard, the people can be difficult and to even take partial responsibility for raising six boys (in a blended family) on a waitress salary is tough.

I do have to wonder what it is about teen boys that makes them such a bottomless pit? When does that never ending need to eat end?

While it may sound as though I’m making a lame attempt at being funny – I kid you not, when it comes to teenage boys, it really is cheaper to dress them then it is to feed them.

Post from: Blisstree

Sympathetic Mother’s of Boys Stick Together

A misbehaving child can be terribly frustrating for any parent, but it’s even worse when it’s someone elses kid that you’ve committed to caring for.

Supernanny offers up tips to save your peace of mind and keep that child in line.

Of course I think it’s a bit ‘fluff’ and run a much tighter ship, but if you wish to remain on the proper side of the law and keep your friendship, Supernanny’s way might be the way to go.

Come to think of it, I don’t get asked to babysit too often

I do have friends that tell me I keep my house too clean and that kids should be allowed to be kids and have fun — I don’t ever recall the definition of fun including a messy bedroom and poor manners, but then again times do change, don’t they.

What are your policies on caring for someone elses kids? Do you insist they abide by your rules or do you bend a little to conform to the way they raise their children?

Tags: supernanny, dicipline, babysitting, child care

Post from: Blisstree

Disciplining Someone Else’s Child