Sometimes it’s hard to decipher your relationship with your boyfriend’s guy friends.  A lot of times your natural instinct results in some bad behavior, but if you determine the balance in the situation then you can keep the situation under control.  There are lots of elements that make this a delicate situation, but I think that it’s very important to address it correctly to ensure a good balance in your relationship.

• Gaining Approval - You obviously want the guy friends to like you.  You know their opinion matters, so you want it to be a positive one.  But the stress that comes with that usually makes it really difficult to act yourself around them.  Focus on being relaxed and don’t go overboard with trying to impress them.  A small impression is better than a bad one, so don’t work too hard at getting them to like you…you will end up not acting like yourself.  If you are loving and good to your boyfriend, then their approval is irrelevant.

• Possessiveness - A lot of times you will feel like you want your boyfriend all to yourself.  Why does he need time with his friends without you?  Can’t you all hangout together?  It is a healthy part of a relationship to develop some independence.  There are things that he enjoys with the guys that you probably don’t enjoy in the same way, so give him space.  You will want some times with your girlfriends without him around as well!

• Detective Work - Be careful not to use your boyfriend’s friends as a way to find out about his exes and his past.  If he hasn’t shared something with you, then it’s not a good idea to try to find out from his friends…it will just create a completely messy situation for everyone involved.  Their loyalty is to him not you, so everyone will be confused and angry and suspicious.  Yes, they have probably known him for a long time and know lots of tidbits about him that you will never know, but leave the past in the past.

The relationship you have with your boyfriend’s guy friends is important to maintain in a healthy and balanced way.  Most importantly just love your boyfriend for being a good friend to his friends by respecting his time alone with them.

Image: sxc.hu

I read today about an Atlanta football player who assaulted his wife, after she stabbed him in the leg with a pen, following a disagreement about the player’s choice in Facebook friends. The title is “Falcons Player Quinn Ajinnaka Arrested in Facebook Flap.”  Facebook Flap?  So many time something is attributed to Facebook, when really this is more a case of Crazy-Acting Couple Flap.

The article mentions athletic draftees being spied on by potential teams and players forced to leave groups that are deemed controversial. A couple of months ago, I wrote about my new and my ex-boyfriend.  An old friend of both of them took offense with my post. He found it to be “inappropriate” for me to write about them. I told him that writing about relationships was part of my job and the relationship that I was most likely to write about was my own. I was as friendly and respectful as possible - I wanted to be “breezy” about it. 

He de-friended me.  I was not sorry to see him go, as I had talked myself into being open-minded about this guy after something that happened when we were teenagers anyway. I’m of the opinion that he is an ass, but my boyfriend has been friends with him for many, many years, so I know that I’ll have to spend time with him at some point in the future.  I don’t want my boyfriend to be affected by our silliness.

Would this be considered a Facebook Flap, as well?

My boyfriend flew home today. I drove him down to the airport this morning and was able to drive back home before he arrived back in Colorado.  Along his route, I got updates like, “…landed in L.A.” or “…arrived early,” and then the photos started coming. That boy and his iPhone… I love the way it allows him to share his life with me.

Here are the things I learned about us this week:

*The first night is tricky, but every night thereafter, I sleep better beside someone that I love. Plus, I feel that I can safely sleep with the window open a little.

*I enjoy cooking for someone who is used to heating things up when he’s on his own. I know it’s old-fashioned, but I enjoy feeding my man, taking care of him.

*I’m not very good recognizing sarcasm. Mark says I’m like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

*My boyfriend is “calm,” “kind,” “gentle,” “golden,” and a “gentleman,” according to friends and family. I am in complete agreement.

*We were right about our connection all along.

Meeting someone this way, talking to an old friend online, on the phone, for a period of time, it truly can work out. You take the time to get to know each other - the ideas, the goals, the heart of a person - when you have to focus on their voice, their words. One of my closest friends, she met her husband as a pen pal first. She said that they hadn’t met in person, hadn’t talked on the phone, and still she felt that she missed him desperately. They’ve been married almost 20 years.

I know that first impressions and attraction are important, but I wonder how many wonderful chances at happiness we might miss out on because we are too hung up on the chemistry?

 I knew my boyfriend when we were kids and I thought he was sweet and funny, but for some reason I didn’t see him as a boyfriend.

I look at him now and I see my beautiful boyfriend. He’s my sexy-gentleman. There’s all kinds of chemistry.

Image credit: Mark

My boyfriend will be arriving in two days. I keep thinking the day is almost here, it’s almost here, it’s almost here… and each day it’s just a little bit more almost-er.

This morning, he sent me a good morning text, as he does every morning. (He’s very attentive that way).

Being that it’s a work morning and he is in a different time zone, it woke me up. I don’t mind, I love any and all contact with him, but the message mentioned, “only 2 more days,” and I was so excited.  I could not go back to sleep.

Instead, I opened the window so that Kitty could sit on the ledge and look out, then I grabbed my book, The Development, by John Barth, and tried to settle in to wait for the 6:50 am alarm.

As much as I am enjoying the book - a series of 9 short stories about mature-age couples - I could not concentrate. Instead I was working on mental to-do lists and day-dreaming about what it will be like to wake up next to my guy.

Honestly, that is what I am most looking forward to - having him close without having the phone in my hand, hearing him breathe when he is asleep, his sleepy-gruff-voiced “good morning,” not in text form.

Oh, yay. I’m a bit on the giddy side.

I wish you a wonderful day. I hope you find a bit of giddy for yourself.

Seaweed image credit: Michelle Smith

Book cover credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Today, I ran into my friend, T. She is one of my good-girlfriends, but we’ve never socialized outside of work although she’s invited me to fun things like Halloween parties, the Rocky Horror Picture show, bingo…… yeah, bingo. (I got enough of that when I used to work Bingo years ago during my Spokane days). I’d love to go, but something is always going on with my kids and I can’t get away.

I told T that I have a new boyfriend. She wanted to know about him and where things were going - serious? casual? I wasn’t going to marry him, was I??

She has always been that way about marriage. I know a few married ladies who are like that. Safely within the arms of matrimony it’s easy to say, “Oh, I’d never do that again.”

How do they know and how do they have any clue what it’s like to carry the load of single motherhood for the past 17 years? They don’t.

Being independent, in charge of my own destiny, it’s been good, but sometimes, many times really, I’ve wished for another brain to help me make the tough decisions. I’ve wished for someone to sleep next to and share my life with. I’ve wished for a partner to hang out with on the couch. I want the normal stuff, the boring stuff.

Right now it’s all new and exciting and I love that part, the beginning where you tell all your stories and your head is full of thoughts of Boy, but I’m not afraid of that dimming a bit.

I’m ready, if this is The One, bring on the mundane, the day-to-day humdrum. I welcome it with open arms - I’m ready and willing.

Maybe it’s one of those grass is greener things?

All you Libras out there, I’ve got your Free Will Astrology horoscope for you.  If you aren’t a Libra, then you can take a look at what Rob Brezny has to say about your sign here.

Okay, I picked Libra this week, because my boyfriend is a Libra and I am just goofy enough to be as interested in  his horoscope as I am in my own.

Okay, here goes………

Cracked.com ran an article on “5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won’t).” Here’s a hint about what those things are: fame, wealth, beauty, genius, and power. You might want to go and read the essay at tinyurl.com/d974te. Even if you don’t entirely agree with its points, it should inspire you to get more realistic about what specifically does increase your levels of well-being. It happens to be an excellent phase of your astrological cycle to home in on the surprising and idiosyncratic truths about what helps you feel like you belong here on this planet.

Here’s my interpretation, in relation to my guy - he values connection. He wants friends and love. He might think about the other things, I’m sure that he enjoys feeling success and I know he loves his iPhone, so money does cross his mind, but what really gives him a happy is the connection he shares with the people in his life. I believe that he knows this about himself already. He’s willing to make some huge changes in his life to bring about that happiness. That part of him, that value that he attaches to his relationships, that’s the base that I build all my feelings for him on. It makes him 10 feet tall in my eyes.

I was involved with a man who did not put that first, I can remember when he talked about moving an additional 3 hours away from his children and from me  (putting him about 9 hours away from me) for a job. Great. More money. Enjoy that all by yourself, if that’s what you want, fine, but I’m looking for something more.

I’m like the boyfriend that I have now. Having a happy family, good friends, that is what I believe a successful life requires.

 There are some things you can compromise on in a relationship and it’s up to the individual couple to decide what those things are. What matters to you?  What makes you happy?  Ask yourself these questions. Dig deep. When that initial attraction cools a bit, that’s when the importance of shared values and goals really matters.

How about you Libras out there?  Do you see yourself in this horoscope?  What do you value and do you feel confident about the life you are making on this planet?

Image credit: All Posters.com

Last night , I witnessed the sweetest moment between my daughter, Bailey, and her boyfriend, Greg. I immediately wrote about it and sent it off to my friend. This friend, like me, is a little disillusioned by love, and I thought she would appreciate hearing about someone who is getting it right.

Greg lives with us, because his mother packed him up and turned him out about 3 months ago. He is a great kid, although I’m pretty sure that since he’s only been here a few months, we are still getting the very best of him. Bailey and Greg have progressed from dating teenagers to a sort of hybrid committed relationship, but it’s also almost brother and sister relationship. For example, Greg sometimes tattles on Bay. This drives her crazy.

Last night, we were sitting around the living room and all of my kids were working on homework. I was telling Bay about something that she did when she was younger and she started to cry. I was horrified, because I expected her to laugh. Greg leaned forward and starting talking to her very softly. He got up and left the room. When he came back, he had a tissue in his hand. He sat next to her, leaned forward and gently wiped under her eyes. She smiled at him, laid her palm along his cheek, and kissed him. I’m pretty sure that my mouth dropped open in shock and awe.

It was like something out of a romantic movie. I felt both thrilled and embarrassed to witness it. Thrilled because I love the kids and I want them to feel cherished. Embarrassed because it was such an intimate moment - like they were the only two people in the room, in the universe.

Both of these kids have had their share of heartache, most of it at the hands of two really crappy dads, but it hasn’t scarred them to the point where they are afraid to allow themselves to be vulnerable.

When it comes to love, sometimes you’ve got to put yourself out there, take a chance and put the rules to the side. It reminded me of something that happened between my last boyfriend and I. Bailey did this spot-on imitation of my sister, Robin. It was so like Robin, that I started to cry because I missed her (yeah, we sometimes have the tears around here). My boyfriend was horrified and although he didn’t wipe my tears, he did scoop me up with a sweet, “Oh, baby, it’s okay…” that I still remember.

I’ve got to be open to letting something like that in my life again. If those two kids can do it, if they can be that brave and that open with each other, then I need to allow it to happen for me, too. It will be hard, but I have to believe that it’s do-able. And dear friend, whom I’m 99% sure is reading this - it will happen for you, as well.

Image credit: Bailey Smith

Hello. If you are looking for Dating Dames, then you are in the right place. Dating Dames is now Relationships. 

If you are new, then let me introduce myself - I’m Michelle. I’m currently single, after a 1 -1/2 year long relationship. It was a long distance affair and my boyfriend was my first love - we gave it a second try more than 20 years later. Apparently, it didn’t work for him, as I have not heard from him for the past 4 months. He’s had some issues due to the economy - in particular unemployment - but there is no excuse for that sort of bad behavior. I reached out, as both a friend and a loved one and he ignored my attempts. 

I picked up a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, yesterday. (If you’ve got a Target near you, you can find He’s Just Not That Into You for 20% off the publisher’s price.) A single friend of mine has been telling me to read it for ages.

I went straight to the part that has to do with The Disappearing Boyfriend. According to the book, this sort of guy is really, really isn’t into me, because he failed to leave even a post-it saying goodbye. Although in our case, I think it would been more like a text saying, “Can’t do it - good luck.” Instead, I got nothin’.

Until a couple of days ago when he sent me a friend request on Facebook.

Would you judge me if I said that I okayed it? I waited a full day to do so. Does that earn me any points?  I am not a bitter ex, not really even an official ex in this case, but part of me wants this man to see that I’m not moping, that I’m busy and active and have friends that are not him.

So, I might be updating my Facebook status a little more than normal. Any excuse to say, “Life is good,” works for me. 

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Road trip home for the holidays?

Traveling with a loved one, especially for new couples, can be tricky. Here are a few tips to help make sure your holiday travel plans don’t lead to a stocking full of coal.

*Decide on a route ahead of time. Try to make this as democratic as possible. If you get your way on the route, be open to conceding on some other point later on.

*When planning the route, take into account rest stops. Spending hours in the car can lead to boredom and tension. It might be a good idea to stop somewhere midway for some alone time. A short walk or some shopping - anything to give you a fresh point of view. Venturing out on your own will give you both something new to talk about, as well.

*Before you get on the road, designate the Map Reader. The Map Reader will be in charge of making sure you stay on track. The non-Map Reader should allow the Map Reader to make the decisions - this will cut down on fighting for control of the map. Getting lost or finding the way, whatever, it’s all a shared adventure anyway, right?

*What do you listen to? If your tastes in music are not in sync, then it’s going to be time to get democratic again. One of you chooses the tunes, the other chooses the next meal stop. Bring cds as radio signals can be tricky out in the middle of nowhere. This could be a good time to listen to some of those oldies you have previously listened to only in secret. A game of “remember when…” could recharge the conversation and sharing memories builds intimacy.

*Take some healthy snacks. Arriving with a bellyache is never a good beginning to a family holiday. I have a collapsible cooler that works well for trips. It has wheels on the bottom, so we’ve used it for many family outings, too. Fill yours with something fresh like fruit slices, string cheese, plenty of water.

*Bring your own pillow. This has nothing to do with traveling with your boyfriend, it’s just really good advice.

*Have realistic expectations for the trip. Your family might not love your boyfriend the way you do. That’s fine. I’ve found that the best way to ingratiate my man with my family is to say, “Hey, Steve’s great with the drinks (chopping, cooking of any sort).” The ladies in my family love a man in the kitchen. Find a similar way to highlight your guy’s strengths.

*Try to relax. If this is your maiden voyage, you’ll gain valuable insight for next year. Nothing is going to go perfectly. Accept that and move on.

*Try to have fun - it’s the holidays after all.

image credit: All Posters.com

I have an online dating profile over at Match.com. I’m not officially “single,” but when my boyfriend refuses to answer the phone or an email, for weeks at a time I no longer consider myself committed. This has been going on, off and on, for a year now. If my boyfriend decides to pull it together, where I am concerned, then I feel that our relationship is salvageable, but for now, I’m open to meeting someone new.

Unfortunately, my profile is generating little or no interest. I do hear (rarely) from men who are 10-15 years older than me, but I don’t feel I am at the same place in my life as they are. At this point, I wouldn’t even mind hearing form some of the bozos Lara has had to deal with lately - at least it would mean I’m not invisible.

I read some of Russ’s posts on what to and not to do in terms of profiles. I went in this weekend and I added more of my personality to my intro - doing away with generalities like, “I’m up for anything.”  I had Bay, my teenager, look at my profile and photos. She hit me with her brutal honesty, which actually was not brutal at all. She suggested that I switch up my main profile photo to one where I’m smiling.

I think that it’s a good idea to switch the main photo periodically. I see many of the same men, with the same profile photos, from 3 years ago - the last time I was Match.com-ing it. Have these men been single this whole time?  

A few of my girlfriends have mentioned that they are also getting fewer than normal responses. If you are using an online service, I’d be interested in hearing how it’s going for you. I read that more people are subscribing to online services in these challenging economic times. Are they subscribing, but not dating?  What is the point of that?  Save your money, guys.

If you’ve had a profile up for a few months, I suggest you do the same thing I did this weekend - change up your photo, maybe add some new shots. Change your list of favorites or hobbies to something that reflects the season more, if you’ve got a lot of Summer activities listed. Rewrite your intro, so it sounds fresh and reflects more of the real you.

Then, please let me know if this makes a difference in your responses or lack of responses. I’m curious if this is seasonal thing or regional or…..I’m just very curious and hoping it does not mean that I’m unlovable.