Image: Flickr applescruff

If you and an ex have decided that you want to try dating again, I want to recommend some important ideas to think about.  I can’t tell if you if getting back together is a good or bad decision, but I can tell you to think about and discuss these topics very seriously to avoid putting yourself in another painful situation.

• Remember why you broke up. It might sound obvious, but think about what caused you to break up and figure out if you have solved any of the serious issues.  Couple who still love each other break up because there is an unresolvable situation that keeps them from moving forward together.  If the situation is still unresolved, that is a serious problem.

• Loving each other is not enough.  A brief break-up and then jumping back into a relationship usually occurs because the two involved miss each other and don’t want to deal with the pain of separating.  Two people can be madly in love and miss each other every second they are apart, but still be unable to make a relationship work.  Love is important (obviously) but it’s not everything.  Make sure you address the other issues that exist in your relationship.

• It’s extremely difficult, but okay, to be alone.  Don’t let yourself fall back into a failed relationship because you don’t like being alone.  We all know that life is MUCH harder when you are out there on your own without a loving partner to come home to every night, but being alone is healthy and strengthening.  I have to admit that I have fallen into this trap many times and I only wish that I would have taken the time to notice it before the situation got out of control.

• You might not meet someone else right away.  Don’t go back to an old boyfriend because you “couldn’t find anyone else.”  There are a million fish in the sea and it takes a long time to sort through all of the fish.  Also, if you just got out of this relationship then you probably weren’t in a position to properly evaluate your new prospects.

• Be honest with yourself about your decision. Get in touch with your insecurities and your desires and try to figure out the real reason why you’re getting back together.  It might be extremely hard to figure this out when you’re so deep in the situation, so talk to the people in your life who know and love you and ask for their honest opinions.

I am definitely not saying that getting back together with a serious boyfriend of the past is an impossible situation, but I am saying that it is tricky and it’s good to be aware of potential problems before they occur.  Breaking up with someone you love is extremely hard the first time, and could be even more difficult the second time.  Take care of yourself by being careful not to put yourself in a situation that could cause more pain than long term happiness.

Post from: Blisstree

How To Be Smart When Getting Back Together

So, Rule Number 1 girls, if you’re thinking about breaking up with him, it’s because you want to.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but have you ever stayed with somebody that you didn’t want to?  Well, I have.  And it’s like an eternity!  My longest was about 8 months.   And I know girls who have stuck around much longer than that.  But they shall remain nameless.

I’m not blaming girls here, but I just don’t hear many men gripe about wanting to break up with their girlfriends for very long.  They just do it.

If you’re in a relationship right now and you’re unsure about whether or not you want to be with him, here is my litmus test for a relationship’s lifespan.

Rule Number 2: If you can look back an pinpoint the exact moment you should’ve broken up with him, then you shouldn’t be with him.  Even worse, if you can think of several moments in which you’ve thought, “I should’ve walked away, right there,” then you need to get out asap.  That is never a good sign.

Especially if that moment in question leads you to get upset and/or cry.

Which leads me to Rule Number 3, if you’re crying and not smiling, you are not happy.  No question about it.

Relationships can be complicated, intense and even tempestuous, but they should be happy.  It’s very simple.  If you’re crying and frowning, girl, wake up!  You don’t love him.  You probably don’t even like him.

And finally, I’ve always felt that break ups get a bad rap.  Sure, they can suck, but there is nothing wrong with recognizing that something needs to end.  Everything has a lifespan and people change, it is only natural.  You didn’t fail and you’re not a bad person, you’re probably just a different person now.

Just like books, life has chapters.  And those chapters end.  But then new and exciting ones begin.

Let them begin!

Post from: Blisstree

Should You Dump Him?

Most of the time when you’ve been cheated on you will want to immediately end the relationship that you are in.  If your relationship has been a struggle and you believe that the cheating was only a manifestation of other problems in your relationship like distrust, manipulation, and constant lying then making a complete break is the right decision.  If you feel like the relationship is now over, then trust your instincts.

Cheating will crush you and break your heart, but if you have decided that this is the end then the hard part has only just begun.  First, give yourself time to accept your pain.  Truly feel the pain and let yourself be sad.  Let it all out because you have been hurt and it is wonderful that you are in touch with your emotions.  After some time, try to be calm and analytical about your situation.  Acknowledge the relationship as a whole and include all other aspects outside of the cheating that led to the end.

Here are some extremely important ideas to remember when struggling with the post break-up depression and confusion after a relationship involving cheating:

• Don’t blame yourself. Two people are involved in the relationship…remember that!

• Don’t spend energy hating the cheater. It only gives them a role in your life that they don’t deserve.

• Don’t look back and point out all of the signs that you missed and places where you made wrong decisions.  It doesn’t help!  The past is the past and the mistakes were made and you must move on.

• Do look back reflectively to figure out what you can learn from the situation.

• Don’t be a flip flopper. Trust your initial instincts and stick to them.  It’s going to be tough!  There is no doubt about that.  But you are strong and independent.  If you are broken up, then you are broken up.  Remember that!

• Keep the situation private. There is no need to start a smear campaign against the cheater.  There is more to him than just the cheating and you will get nothing from spreading your private life into the public.

• Don’t put up a wall. You were hurt, but it doesn’t mean that you will be hurt again.  Let yourself love and be loved.  Let yourself trust and be trusted.

Post from: Blisstree

He Cheated, We’re Over, Now What?

If you are in a relationship where you have asked someone to change something significant about their behavior or personality for you, then you know how difficult it is to move forward after this has occurred.  I’m not talking about asking your boyfriend to start putting the seat down after he uses the bathroom or to help wash the dishes.  I’m talking about serious issues like asking your boyfriend to quit smoking or to stop taking his frustrations out on you.  Bringing up these issues creates an extreme amount of tension in your relationship as you each deal with sensitivity to the issue and a struggle against what feels natural.

If you are dealing with a request for change directed at one specific side in your relationship, then the most important question you need to answer is:  Does this person want to change on their own or are they changing just for me?

Everyone says “People don’t change” but I am an optimist and I don’t believe this is true.  I know that people can change.  If you believe in yourself and have the desire to be the best person that you can be by being good to the people around you and being good to yourself, then change is definitely possible.  You have the power to control yourself and be who you want to be.  On the opposite end, if you don’t believe that you need to change and you are just trying to adapt yourself to become what someone else desires, then change may not be necessary or possible.

If you have been asked to change by your partner but you don’t believe that you need to change, then you need to take mature steps to analyze the situation and respond appropriately.  Pull yourself out of the situation and address the larger issue.  Does the request for change fit into your values and morals?  Does it make you feel like a better person?  Or does it require you to abandon something that is an important and positive part of yourself?  Think about why it would be so important to your partner and then why they might think it would be important to you.

If your partner says “Quit smoking” but you don’t want to quit smoking on your own, then change will probably not occur even if you want to please your partner.  If your partner says “Quit smoking” and it makes you think about why you smoke and then you realize that you would like to start living a healthy and smoke-free life, then change will occur.

Asking someone to change or being asked to change can go two very different ways.  It can push you apart or it can be a wonderful start to really bringing you closer together.  Just remember to deal with the issue in a mature manner where you try to avoid being defensive or hyper-sensitive to issues that could have an important effect on your relationship.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Can You Change For Your Partner?

The season that Karina Smirnoff danced with Mario Lopez  was so much fun. The audience suspected that something was happening between the two and we were not wrong. Lopez and Smirnoff lived together after the show, but later broke off their romantic relationship.

Awhile back I heard that Karina was dating fellow Dancing With the Stars dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy.  I could see the attraction – they are in the same business and both are beautiful, athletic people. The only possible drawback being Maksim’s arrogance. Oh my goodness that man comes across of so ridiculously full of himself. Confidence is one thing, but I remember the uproar one year when he made comments about a couple of his fellow dancers being too heavy – one was a dancer who won the show twice with her celebrity partner.

Earlier this month, Karina and Maksim called off their engagement. One the reasons given for the breakup included scheduling problems – they had no time for a wedding. That sounded like a silly excuse – if you want to get married, get married. A big wedding is not necessary, it’s optional. The bottom line is that it’s none of anyone’s business. The reason belongs to the couple and they don’t “owe” it to the public.

I did, however, find it interesting that they are still friends. Karina Smirnoff told People magazine that…..

 
“It’s kind of easy to stay friends,” Smirnoff told PEOPLE.

“We were friends for 14 years, before anything else. It will always remain this way. It’s not difficult. We both think the world of each other,” she added.

I am friendly with a few of my exes. I don’t have to work with them, so that makes it easier. I like that this couple is taking the high road and not bad-mouthing each other or spilling secrets. It shows a lot of class.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Karina & Maksim Remain Friends Post Breakup

Here are a few “slip ups,” that divorcing folk tend to fall into……

*Do not try to entice your ex back by being overly generous when divvying up your assests. I did not fall into this one myself, but I do remember my dad telling me that he signed over “everything” to my ex-stepmom one of the times that they divorced.

*Avoid showing off your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah, we know it’s a matter of pride as in, “Maybe you don’t want me, but someone else sure does,” but don’t do it. Better yet, give yourself some time before you jump into dating someone new. Your head is probably a mess and you will be doing yourself and any potential new friends a favor by waiting until you can concentrate on the future and leave the past where it belongs.

*Do not, I repeat, do not sleep with your ex. I suspect you will do it anyway, because everybody does. This is one issue that I have some experience with and it’s not an experience of the positive kind. It feels “safe,” but it’s a minefield. You need time and distance to get over a failed marriage. Getting naked together is nobody’s idea of distance.

*Your child is not a go-between. When I was a child I hated hearing this sentence, “Tell your father that his check is late.” Even as a little kid I knew it was inappropriate. I haven’t done everything right, but this is one thing that I never did – I never used my kids as a weapon.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Avoid These Classic Divorce Mistakes

At this point, however, I’m clearly all-in on the Bay side.  The kid is in agony, grieving her lost love, and sad. She started school this week and is still in constant contact with him via cell phone or the computer.

Here’s a purely selfish thought – I don’t know if I will ever get another good night of sleep again because Bay has been sleeping with me for a week. I wake up and I’ve been sleeping on my right side all night. No moving. I’m stiff and my ear aches. I’m starting to hate my pillow and the view of the back of my alarm clock. 

She doesn’t want to go into her own room, the place she and her ex-beau  hung out and watched tv, played videos games, talked. I think it’s where they fell in love. She acts scared of the room and sort of darts in and out. I spent hours in there yesterday cleaning and rearranging while she was at school. I bought her new bedding, repainted her tv stand (from pink to black), hung her black curtains, bought her a new black bedside table, dusted, dusted, dusted, did the windows……..I was in there forever. When she got home from school, she was mad that I wanted her to go check it out. She snapped at me. And she said she could not sleep in there yet.

Friday evening she made plans to go out with friends, this included her ex, but for some reason she stayed home with the rest of the family. I was looking at Kelli’s piece on breakups and broken hearts and I think that it’s really time and distance  that get you over a lost love. You can’t force it and you sure can’t force it on someone else. Kellis says, “Don’t try to get him back,” and I think that’s what Bay would like to do, but that impedes the moving forward process.

Kelli’s piece says that it didn’t work because it wasn’t a match. I’m not at all sure that’s the case here.

I’ve spent a lot of time with these kids and they were a pretty tight unit. They were very supportive of each other. They are young and Bay’s ex-beau is putting a lot of weight into what his buddies are telling him, “My friends say I should be single.” 

Until that boy becomes more of a man (again, time is key), one whom can think for himself, I think it’s best that Bay move on. She’s a strong young woman and I look forward to seeing her smile again. There have been glimpses of it this week, in particular when she tried on a new dress at Forever 21.  She looked pretty darn smashing. Like I said, she’s strong. I love my girl.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Getting Over Her Ex

Closure represented a sort of door. Open door=pain. Closed door=healing.  No closed door ever truly changed the way I felt. It could not be that easy.

I was in a relationship that had no clear breakup. He simply stopped answering his phone. A few months later, there was a small amount of communication and eventually the whole ugly story came out (via another party, not my ex). I felt angry and closure was the last thing on my mind. I did not want to talk to him. I wanted him completely out of my head. I wanted him to disappear. I ignored contact from him. I got angry with my friends when they spoke about him. I got really angry when they relayed messages from him. The anger was bothering me and creating problems in other areas of my life.

Finally, I felt that enough was enough. I wanted any mention of him to stop. He did not mean anything to me other than a big ball of angry regret in my belly. I wanted to truly make him disappear. I wanted closure.

So, I emailed him. He answered. I said what I had to say and in very little time that anger changed to pity. Now I feel at peace. No angry ball in my belly – just the usual chocolate cravings. 

I feel free now that I’m out from under the weight of all that anger. Could I be friends with him now? Oh, hell no.  I still think he’s an ass. The important thing is that I don’t care enough about him to hate him any longer.

Here’s the key – closure is about you, not your ex.

I was wrong about the closure before. I did not understand it. It is important. It is healing. If you’ve been contemplating it, give it a try. 

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Got Me Some Of That Closure

For example, a request for space might mean just that – give your partner some space. No one wants to feel pressured or crowded. Back off, let your loved one miss you a little (this is advice that I give to my daughter’s boyfriend all the time.) 

Backing off can work two-fold. First, your partner gets the breathing room they have requested. Two, you can focus on what you want again. Sometimes we get so locked into the pursuit aspect that we lose perspective. Maybe the relationship isn’t going in the right direction for you, either.

If someone says that they will call you later, well they may be busy and unable to talk. Again, I suggest backing off. People are busy. It’s not all about you.

If your partner is comparing you to someone else or calling your bad names, then he/she is just rude. I say it might be time to move on. Or call them on it. Say, “That is hurtful.” You don’t have to put up with abuse. That’s not part of a healthy relationship.

Silence is not good. As my friend, Scarlet, told me during my last relationship, “No answer is your answer.”  I think she was quoting, He’s Just Not That Into You. She was correct. He was a two-timing jerk and I’ve happily moved on. 

My point is this – don’t make assumptions, don’t expect the worst. These are stressful times we are living in and everyone can use a breather now and again.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Breaking Up Is Not Inevitable

Now it’s 2009, his wife is suing him for divorce, and Batista wants his kidney back…..or the sum of $1.5 million. Mrs. Batista filed for divorce, back in 2005, 4 years after the kidney donation and transplant. Dr. Batista alleges that his wife had an affair – that’s the reasoning for his demand. He claims that the affair was conducted with Dawnell’s phyiscal therapist.  Mrs. Batista denies having the affair and she’s seeking a gag order, because the way that the case is playing out in the public – Dr. Batista held a press conference – is hurting and embarrassing the couple’s 3 young daughters.

Jill Stone, the law guardian for the couple’s three daughters – ages 14, 11 and 8 – also requested a gag order, saying the media blitz has embarrassed the girls and made it hard for them to go to school.

Richard Batista’s lawyer, Dominic Barbara, said the surgeon was “godlike” for giving his kidney to his wife.

He said his client has the right to speak publicly about what he has been through.

“He wants to tell the world what happened in this case because it’s a tragedy,” the lawyer said. “This is a man who put his life on the line, and his wife treated him like a piece of dirt, garbage.”

This does sound like a very sad case and I can understand the man’s anger about the end of his marriage, but I cannot see how he thinks he will come out the winner here. His marriage ended almost 4 years ago and at some point it would be healthy for him to let go and move on. An affair sucks, yes, but she is the mother of his children – she is not a simple acquaintance. Even if they are no longer partners in marriage, they are still partners in parenting. 

I am divorced. I have 3 children. My ex-husband has paid child support probably six times in the 16 years since we split. My ex-husband slept with my ex-best friend. My ex-husband charged 4 tires and rims to his new girlfriend less than two weeks after he left our home on our joint account. I could go on and on…… My ex-husband was not a good husband and that’s why he is my EX husband. Can you imagine what a mess I would be if I held onto my anger for all of these years?  It wouldn’t hurt him – it would hurt me. And my kids.

I hope that Dr. Batista backs off this kidney claim. I hope that he remembers that when he did it, he did it to save the life of his partner. That was a generous and noble thing to do and I feel that it’s unfortunate that he chose to dishonor that move in this way. 

I keep thinking about what will happen after this is settled and the story dies down. How will Dr. Batista’s daughters feel about their parents?  How will this color how they make future decisions about their own personal relationships?  Does his anger give him the right to hurt the girls in this way?  Is he justified in doing this?  When a family breaks up, it’s horrible. I can remember feeling like a crazy person for a whole year after my marriage split and letting go was honestly the healthiest thing that I have ever done.

Hurting Mrs. Batista, it’s not going to make him feel better in the long run, not when he stops to look at the damage he’s left in his wake. 

Steve, my last man, is still angry at his ex-wife and it’s been 5 years since his marriage broke up due to an affair. He’s actively mad at her, all the time. He sees decisions that she makes, for example moving, as a way to get back at him. He honestly believes that she moved so that he would have to drive farther to pick up the kids on his weekends.  I find it so odd and unhealthy the way he holds onto that anger. It does not hurt her. It hurts him. Maybe if he would stop seeing the world as something that is against him, he’d allow himself to find some lasting happiness.

Post from: Blisstree

Give Me Back My Kidney – Angry Husband Wants His Kidney Returned In Divorce Settlement