1. Do treat your child like any other kid-  It may be difficult for adopted children to feel like they belong in their new familes but treating them like they are special, or different, because they are adopted can make it even worse. Don’t spoil them because you feel they missed out on things in their previous home/homes but offer them structure, stability, and comfort. Isn’t that how children thrive?

On the flipside, I learned from Dr. Federici that children need to be parented how they need to be parented, not how the norms says so.

2. Support them when strangers ask questions -  Sometimes strangers, or even friends and family can ask insensitive questions (like did the birth mother drink or where are the birth siblings?) and you and your child need to know how to answer those tough questions. Either tell the questioner that it is simply not an appropriate question by saying just that or gently steer them on to another topic. In these cases I have found that people just don’t know what is appropriate or not.

3. Do respect your child’s privacy- Adopted children may have difficult backgrounds and their life stories may not be something they want aired. I have always been careful not to share the intimate details of my son’s birth parents and family, as well as his intimate orphanage life. I have given some details of what we think may have happened but none of it we know for sure. Many children do not want their histories discussed and their privacy should be respected.

4.  Treat prospective parents the same as expectant parents- This was very hard for me, as an adoptive parent to handle. My husband and I were expecting a child for 9 months, the same as everyone else…but very few people took notice, even our own families. For many parents the rituals and traditions, such as baby showers, coming home outfits, baptisms, etc. are just as important but very much overlooked. My own mother did not plan a shower until I actually indicated that I wanted one.

5. Do acknowledge and celebrate the differences- celebrate the differences in culture or ethnicity, or even birth-country.

Don’ts 

1. Don’t introduce your child as adopted- your child is yours…you adopted them once and they are part of your family.

2. Don’t say how lucky your child is- I wrote about this earlier today. I did not save my child. I welcomed him into my family.

3 Don’t assume adoption is second choice- For us, adoption was second choice. We wanted a biological family. We tried to have one and could not. Does that mean my son is second choice? Never. However, some people believe adoption is the best choice for them for many reasons. Perhaps they were adopted or they feel a calling. Don’t assume they parent is infertile.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions about the birth mother- Birth mothers come from a variety of situations. Some are middle class women educated enough to know they can’t care for their children and moral enough to not want an abortion. Some are in trouble with drugs and alcohol. Some are in trouble financially. Some are young unwed mothers. But, don’t assume they are all irresponsible and worthless women. They are not.

They love their children and they grieve their children.

4. Don’t tell me I can have my own now. My child is my own. Some people will tell you that they knew so and so who adopted and then got pregnant. Well, it doesn’t happen that way (only about 3-10 percent of adoptive couples have biological children after adopting). Do I sometimes yearn to carry a child of my own? Yes. But it won’t happen and that is okay.

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption Do’s and Don’ts