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 The words we say to our children and the way we say them have a great effect.  That’s not to say that we’re to ignore discipline and sugar coat everything.  But if youngsters hear repeated emphasis on their failures and where these will lead, they’re encouraged to plan in this direction.

 I once asked a psychologist about a boy with Aspberger’s how best to help the child as he progressed through school and prepared for life beyond the home.  “Build upon his strengths,” the psychologist replied.

 I’ve often thought of this when working with any children, whether as a substitute teacher, a grandmother, a friend or neighbor.  Encourage them in their strengths and teach them to turn their weaknesses into strengths or at least minimize them.

 Think about how you’re talking to your children and how you’re conditioning them with the words you say.  

Post from: Blisstree

How Do You Talk to Your Children?

Kids are very perceptive creatures. They can pick up on even unspoken emotions but be ignorant of how to deal with them. The side effects of harboring the second hand stress are numerous. Your normally happy child may become depressed. They may become suddenly introverted. They may complain of stomach aches, sleeping problems or have separation anxiety. They may regress to baby stages or behaviors. A potty trained child may start wetting the bed. One of the most obvious signs is a sharp increase in cases of illness. If your usually healthy child becomes repeatedly ill, it may be a sign that your stress is rubbing off on them.

What can you do to remedy this problem? Talk to your kids. Reassure them that you have everything under control even if you don’t feel that way. Ask them about their concerns. Some of them may surprise you. My daughter once heard my husband and I bickering about an over indulgent shopping trip. He casually made a comment about having a house payment to make. My daughter overheard and interpreted his comment to mean that we were going to lose our home. We did not know why her stomach started hurting, until she finally blurted it out one day. We were so shocked, but in retrospect, could see how a child might derive such a conclusion from a passing comment.

Younger children, although not as verbally capable of expressing fears, can still communicate them through play. You can play pretend and let him be the parent, or even use puppets to act out his emotions. Kids wear their hearts on their sleeves and will usually let you know in some form, that they are stressed. If you know what to look for and how to deal with it, they should be back to their happy selves in no time! 

Post from: Blisstree

Is Your Stress Rubbing Off On Them?

I also remember the day we found out that my dad was gay. It was a year after my parents split up. My dad was away on business, as usual. My mom sat us down, again, in the living room. She began by telling us that she had some suspicions toward my dad and his recent interests. She divulged that she had hired a private detective to follow my dad. Her findings were congruent with those suspicions. He had been sleeping with men. Again, I was left in a fog. I could not grasp the idea of my dad, a true blue family man a conservative Christian and wonderful father, leading a life that contradicted so much of what he had raised us to believe. I still wonder how any person can decide to make such a radical life change in the midst of raising a family. Yet, I know that it happens everyday.

My mom was always very open with us, throughout the divorce process. So was my dad.  Mom shared her feelings of confusion, feelings of inadequacy and anger towards my dad for leaving her to pick up the pieces while he gallivanted around the country in search of selfish pleasures. He was still our dad, but he was not the dad we knew. My dad was always more than willing to share his side of the story. From what I gather, they love and respect each other, but did not have a great marriage. My dad decided to pursue a life that, he claims, had been his true identity since birth. He still loves us. I believe that. Will I ever fully comprehend how he hid his true feelings for 41 years, only to decide that the right time to live his truth was right smack dab in the middle of our childhood? Probably not. I don’t obsess over it. It does, however, make me wonder how many parents are stifling their true identities because they made the choice to have children and commit to a marriage that they do not belong to, whole heartedly. I’m willing to bet that it happens a lot more than you and I would suspect.

Post from: Blisstree

Daddy’s Alter Ego

By the time my son entered Kindergarten, I knew that something was not right. The only time that I was not frustrated by his constantly changing moods and angry outbursts, was when he was at school or asleep. He fought me all the way to the bus stop, even though he loved his class. His teacher would often call me to discuss the possibility of getting him assessed. My mom, who never had boys, often expressed her concern for his rage and destructive tendencies. Finally, in the first grade, the doctor would allow me to have him assessed. Unfortunately, the doctor did not take the time to run all of the necessary tests. Since I did not do enough research to know any better, I allowed him to be diagnosed ADHD, just based on observation. I could just kick myself now, as I look back on it. I should have demanded a brain scan, blood tests, allergy tests, psychological testing, mineral deficiency tests, etc… I just trusted the doctor to know what he was doing. Big mistake.

Daniel started taking Focalin XR, last year. It was effective in keeping him focused at school. It made little difference at home, however. He still struggled with impulsiveness, anger and keeping still long enough to do homework. After doing a lot of research and learning that being on medication could create a dependence that could lead to later illegal substance abuse, I got scared. We took Daniel off of the medication and are seeking alternative routes to treating his ADHD symptoms. I’ve found, during my numerous hours of research, that ADHD is not a certain condition. It us merely a label that doctors slap on any child or adult with like symptoms, in order to sell more drugs. There are many methods of treating ADHD symptoms, that do not require medication. I’m not saying that all children who suffer from the same symptoms as my son, do not qualify to be diagnosed ADHD. I’m only suggesting that more parents take proactive measures in finding out whether or not their child’s symptoms are related to allergies, mineral deficiencies, or other outside factors. It would save more kids from the danger of being misdiagnosed and put on a drug that can hurt them later on in life.

Post from: Blisstree

Jumping To ADHD Conclusions

The biggest factor in my decision to allow night lights, is my own childhood experiences. I also hated the dark. I still do. I used to hide my head under the blankets, because I was so afraid of seeing anything scary looking in my room. I fell asleep every night, with fear in my heart. It was an awful feeling. I do not want my kids to feel the same. I think that slumber should be a peaceful event, beginning with a feeling of security while they drift off.

Is my practice of turning on a night light and enabling my children to be dependent on a night light, going to have a negative effect on their adulthood? Do you allow your kids to use a night light or other comfort measure? Why or why not?

Post from: Blisstree

Calming Fears, Or Feeding Bad Habits?

1. The friend’s family does not set down house rules.

2. The friend’s family has a set of rules, but the parents do not follow through on disciplining the child when a rule is broken. This happens a lot with youngest children.

In either case, it is the child who ultimately suffers, because when they visit another home and cannot comply with rules, they are most often not invited back (as is the case in our home.) My question for you all today is: What do you do when your child’s friend refuses to obey your house rules? When I asked the husband what his answer would be, he looked at me as if I was daft and said ”Call the kid’s parent and tell them to come and get their brat.” He is a tad more “Guerrilla” than I! Feel free to leave your own opinions in the comment section.

Post from: Blisstree

Girls (And Boys) Gone Wild!

1. Movie day! Rent your child’s favorite movies and have a couch fest. Pop some popcorn, make some cold drinks and just chill together.
2. Arts and crafts. Recovery is the perfect time to break out the quiet activities like painting, sculpting and creating works of art. My son loved this idea, since we cannot do this very much without is turning into a seven kid circus!
3. Cooking class. Let your child have a turn in the kitchen. The both of you can sit and plan a meal, then you and your child can make it together.
4. Video games. We do not have video games in our house, but if we did, I know that it would have kept him thoroughly entertained for at least an hour.
5. A walk down memory lane. I took out our huge box of old family photos and then let him look through it. It was a lot of fun to tell the stories that accompanied each picture.
6. Journal. If your child likes to write, have them start a journal of their injury and recovery time. Expressing their feelings in written form may prove to be very therapeutic. If they cannot write, have them cut out magazine pictures to illustrate their feelings.
7. Puzzles! My son is a whiz at putting together jig saw puzzles. This kept him busy for a lot longer than I expected.  Some kids may enjoy doing crosswords or word find puzzles. It keeps their mind fresh while the body is allowed to mend.
8. Computer games. My new laptop came in very handy when all of the above ideas got stale. We popped in Star Wars Math and the complaints of boredom immediately fizzled.
9. Phone time. My son loves to catch up with old friends. I allowed him to make a few calls to tell his friends about his injury and use up some time before dinner.
10. Story hour. My son loves to read. Now that he reads to himself, I do not get the chance to read to him, like I used to. I’m usually reading toddler books to the younger kids. I remembered reading Charlie And The Chocolate Factory to him, when we were waiting to start his surgery in the emergency room, and it helped to take his mind off of what was going to happen. Today, we picked out some poetry books, some of his old favorites and then took turns telling parts of a made up story. We passed a story stick back and forth as the story unfolded and created a wild adventure in our living room!

My son has had so much fun recovering, I’m afraid he’ll never want to return to school!

Post from: Blisstree

You Can’t Keep A Good Man Down