An interesting article on Human Events.com makes the case for reviving the role of grandparents.

The author compares the traditional grandparent to that of an advisor or a Board of Directors, someone who provide direction and counsel rather than manage day to day activities.

It goes on to day that current societal changes have necessitated a more direct involvement for grandparents at the expense of their traditional role:

Unfortunately, in many cases in today’s society, the role of Grandparents has evolved into that of a surrogate parent. Whether because of necessity (single parent homes and homes with two working parents are at an all-time high) or desire (many grandparents today worry that their children aren’t parenting properly), more grandparents than ever before are losing their role as mentor, friend, supporter, and spoiler and becoming more like a parent — a disciplinarian, decision-maker, and even a bread-winner.

The author believes that children suffer because of this, and, that they need to have more than one type of relationship with an adult:

They come to know adults as authoritative, stressed, busy, and mean. When grandparents are involved however, kids experience an entirely different child-adult relationship.

Additionally, the author emphasizes that in order for a grandparent to maintain a traditional role with grandkids, the grandparent must keep up with technology and the things that interest kids.

I guess that’s one reason the Nintendo Wii is popular with seniors. It’s “for the grandkids”, right?

I was lucky enough to have grandparents who were there to love and spoil me, and, my kids have had that, too.

However, I realize that it’s a luxury, and, sometimes we have to do what we have to do, but, I can still wish for a loving grandparent or grandparental figure for every child, can’t I?

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The traditional grandparent role

According to the story, mothers and daughters differ on parenting issues such as food and discipline,and, it concludes that both parties should try to understand the other, and, grandmothers should remember that the child in question isn’t their child.

Now, I’m pretty sure that these dilemmas aren’t unique to Baby Boomers and X-ers, after all, mothers and daughters have differed since the beginning of time, but, the comments in response to the article are interesting with many of them supporting the wisdom and experience of the older generation.

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Mom and grandmom approach parenting differently?

In addition, it supports the idea that it’s good when grandchildren are involved in their grandparents’ care.
I only had one grandparent alive when I was a young adult, my mother’s mother, and, I wish I had done things a little differently.

I was in college when my grandmother’s health declined. Like me, my mother was an only child, and, was her sole caretaker. On top of that, my grandmother lived out of town. I was aware of the general situation, but, as I was only 19 or so, I didn’t really have a good grasp of what my mother was going through.

We eventually moved my grandmother to here in town, and, I had a little more responsibility for her, and, was happy to do what was asked of me. But, I know now I still didn’t “get it”.

Sometimes, I wish I had been a better support to my mother during that time, but, maybe though, I wasn’t supposed to “get” the whole impact of it at 19 years old. Looking back, I see that when my mother asked me to help, and, I did, but, that it was not supposed to be my job to support her sole emotional support, I think that is a job for one’s spouse and peers.

When my mother was sick, my kids helped out as they wished, but, they are young, and, we didn’t require them to do anything specific, but, they wanted to do something for her because they knew and loved her.

(link via Gayla)

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Grandchildren More Likely to Care for Loving Grandparents

After interviewing 74 year old Sammy Green, it became apparent that he was wondering what was going to happen to him after he died:

He told the teenagers he most likely would be cremated since he had no money and no kin to bury him as he had buried his parents. And he believed cremation would doom him to an eternity in hell. He said being buried in a pine box was all that could redeem him.

The teenagers were taken with Green’s story and decided to find money to bury him.

A week after the interview, Green collapsed with pneumonia and now is receiving hospice care.

The students are building Green a pine casket. A granite company donated a headstone. A country church has given a cemetery plot, and a funeral home director has offered services at a cut rate. The rest of the community is chipping with spare change, and, events to raise funds for Green’s burial.

(via Parent Dish)

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Kids step up for elderly man who has no one

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Visiting the sick and elderly, even when it’s hard

It’s not that it’s emotional, it’s just getting too darn complicated. You see, we’ve gone from just the right amount of players, to not enough players, to too many players.

When the older two kids started school, my mother, and, my MIL would split the Grandparent’s Day duties, since, it was always nice to have one grandparent per kid at the classroom receptions. Afterward, they’d all go shopping and out to lunch. Slightly awkward since my mother and my MIL got along fine, but, didn’t see each other much, and, were two totally different people.

My father, who teaches school, can’t really get away from work for it, and, I’m not entirely sure he ever visualized himself doing this kind of thing, anyway. Not that he wouldn’t do it if I asked, but, he’d require a lot of instruction, and, I can’t really see him taking them out to lunch or shopping.

Anyway, when my mother became too ill to attend, my MIL did it (program and receptions) alone. It was fine, but, it meant one kid didn’t have someone in their classroom while she was in the other room. Not the end of the world, but, workable, and, not awkward.

Since I have another child starting kindergarten next year, I have always had a back-up plan in mind since my MIL is 80, and, lives out of town, and, may not always be able to come. I have a mental list of potential faux-grandparents to approach, but, haven’t really done so, because, after all, is there really a good way to say, “Hey, can you come spend the day at a program at my kids’ school, and, then take them out to lunch? Oh, by the way, I won’t be there.”? Slightly awkward.

So, this year’s edition approacheth, and, now I potentially have 3 grandparents coming. My mother’s best friend, whom I suspect was assigned to take care of me, wants to come. That is wonderful, but, the kids don’t know her very well (awkward), so, now I have to plan an outing before the outing. Then, I have to tell my MIL about it, and, hope she’s not offended in some way (entirely possible) since she, afterall, did it alone last year.

I’m still trying to figure out if my father wants to go. I gave him an out by saying that I knew he had taken a lot of time off after his surgery, and, he needed to work. But, I also don’t want to make him feel like he’s being pushed out by the addition of the new person, again, kind of awkward.

But, on the other hand, I can’t visualize him going with the friend, who has (unecessarily) gone to great lengths to avoid being suspected of the Tupperware phenomenon. Yes, really awkward there. And, there’s no way he’d go with just my MIL. That, my friends, would be off the awkward scale.

Even though I’m sure it’ll turn out fine, I’m still glad I have to work that day.

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Grandparent’s Day at School

She talks about how long ago there weren’t nearly as many elderly people to be cared for since, those who were in need of care weren’t nearly as sick, since, prior to modern medicine, a medical crisis was more likely to kill a patient rather than leave them incapacitated and in need of care.

She very accurately describes the foundation of the dilemma of the Sandwich Generation:

…the HOUSEHOLD was much more conducive to the care of dependent members at BOTH ends of the age spectrum. More people lived in the home, and they spent more time AT home. Instead of one sandwich-generation woman who works full time or spends all her time in the minivan taking the kids to soccer practice or both, there were moms, aunts, kids, cousins, servants, etc., all of whom could spread out the burden of taking care of Granddad so it didn’t drive any of them individually nuts.

As she said, eldercare today does leave much to be desired, but, I also think that some depictions of Baby Boomers as a selfish group who “can’t be bothered” with their elderly parents’ care isn’t fair.

Sure, there are people who feel that way, but, I would like to believe that the majority don’t. It’s not that people don’t want to make sacrifices to take care of the elderly, it’s just that for many reasons, circumstances for many people are different today than they were “back then”.

Perhaps we need to redefine what constitutes, not only physically, but socially acceptable “proper” care for our aging population, and, recognize that most families and caregivers are doing everything they can to do it right.

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Eldercare today isn’t what it used to be

With people waiting longer to get married and have children, I imagine the family with great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, and children will become even more rare. While it’s not something I’ve experienced in my own family, my husband’s family, until a few years ago, had 5 generations of daughters living.  It always made for a good photo op for the local newspapers.

While the family history in such a situation is invaluable, the part of me that hones in on this type of stuff (Pessimist? Perhaps. I prefer to think of it as the realist in me ) sees the daughter or son 3 generations into it, and, wonders what life will be like for them if the perfect storm of issues arises and great-grandmother, grandmother, child, spouse and grand children all need care.

But, on a brighter note, the last line in this story makes it all worthwhile.

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The greatest generation

There’s no doubt that Brenda Rice is part of the sandwich generation. Make that a triple-decker sandwich.

In addition to caring for her mother, who has severe dementia, Brenda baby-sits daily for her year-old grandson. On top of that, her 17-year-old son still lives at home.

I was going to say, “I don’t see how she does it”, but, I know when people have said that to me, it just seems so odd. Everyone has their own reality, and, sure, there are times when it’s really, really hard. But, you just do it.

What other choice is there, really?

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A Triple Decker Sandwich

1. The Complete Eldercare Planner, Second Edition: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help
2. Unwrapping the Sandwich Generation. Life Vignettes about Seniors & Their Adult Boomer Children
3. The Sandwich Generation:Caught Between Growing Children and Aging Parents (free e-book!)
4. The Hard Questions For Adult Children And Their Aging Parents: 100 Essential Questions For Facing The Future Together, with Courage and Compassion
5. Navigating the Journey of Aging Parents: What Care Receivers Want
6. Caring for Your Aging Parents: A Common-Sense Guide for Transforming a Difficult Time Into a Loving, Cooperative Relationship
7. Caring for Your Parents: The Complete AARP Guide
8. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Long-Term Care Planning
9. Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents
10. Kiplinger’s Financial Solutions for the Sandwich Generation: Ensuring You Have Enough for You, Your Children, and Your Parents
    

Maybe you and I could meet those people after work for a beer.

Oh. Wait, that’s right, I can’t go because the kids have homework and my dad is having surgery tomorrow.

You go on without me, I’ll read the books at home.

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10 Resources for the Sandwich Generation