Dear Christs Church Unity,

I am writing to ask where my A Complaint-Free World Bracelet is. I ordered it quite a long time ago – surely you aren’t going to blame this one on the post office. What did you expect when you went on Oprah and asked everyone to email you for a free bracelet? Obviously, you should have had about a billion bracelets already made – everyone loves free stuff. I’d like to speak to someone about the terrible customer service around here. What kind of operation are you guys running over there in Kansas City? Jeez.

Sincerely, Tracee

p.s. I did make the suggested donation of $10 and would really like a refund if you’re not going to send my bracelet immediately.

 Okay, before anyone gets themselves in a tizzy over my sense of humor – I AM TOTALLY KIDDING.

Apparently, the modest-size church has gotten over 6 million requests for the A Complaint-Free World purple bracelets that were featured on Oprah on March 27th. I know this because I did order a few, and I was wondering whether my order got lost or misplaced. But, I am aware that calling to complain would have been antithetical to the entire idea of a complaint-free world bracelet. They sent me an email this week informing me that my bracelet is probably in the mail and to be more patient. By the statement, It’s not like we’re Amazon.com, I’m guessing more than one or two people called to complain.

Here’s the concept: Place bracelet on right wrist, if you complain move the bracelet to the left wrist, then back again when you catch yourself complaining again. The goal is to wear it on the SAME wrist – no complaining – for 21 days. 21 days is supposedly how long it takes to break a habit.

I’m kind of a complainer and so is my kid. I thought we’d try to break the habit and see if we could attempt happy. If you accomplish the 21 days they will send you a Certificate of Happiness.

While waiting since March for my bracelet I’ve given the role complaining has in my life some thought. The bottom-line is that I’m not sure I can give it up. I think perhaps I get too much out of it. Laughs for one thing. I like to make people laugh and I’m such a brilliant complainer that people give me positive reinforcement for it. I’m not sure I can be all that funny if I’m just all happy all the time. Would it be worth it? I dunno. I’ll try it and let you know about my progress.

Since the bracelets got such a terrific response they are actually proposing legislation to make the Wednesday before Thanksgiving “Complaint-Free Wednesday.” I definitely think I could give up complaining for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. So, I think I’ll write my congress-persons in favor of that. If the Friday after Thanksgiving is dedicated to wanton consumerism why shouldn’t the Wednsday before be dedicated to quit your bitching?

 For a bracelet email AComplaintFreeWorld@gmail.com. There is even A Complaint Free World Song you can download, sung by Stefana Dadas and the headline on her website says Women Saving the World. Dig that.

By the way, if you like the concept, as I do, you could consider donating a little cashola to the cause. Evidently this moderately-sized church is out half-a-million dollars. That’s $500,000 bucks. They are creating a separate non-profit corporation just to handle their complaint-free bracelet business.

Do you think God gave them such overwhelming success to see if they were true to not complaining? I mean, imagine being the associate pastor in charge of filling 6 million unexpected orders. Or the lady in charge of answering the phones while 6 million people want to know where their bracelets are. Pitch in by donating to their PayPal account through this link. (I hope that works, if not let me know. Without complaining, of course.)

Post from: Blisstree

Where’s My Freaking Complaint-Free Bracelet?

• Chick, chick hurray!
• Hot chicks here
• Eat more chicks
• Great place for chicks
• How many ways can you eat a chick?
• Chicks and their chicks like it here
• Fabulous breasts and thighs
• Come on rooster strut your stuff

My Favorite: Our chicks are finger-licken good!

Oh honey, aren’t you glad I kept my own name!

Post from: Blisstree

Bad Chick Puns

I guess they have prerecorded two weeks of The View, which is a little odd as I watch Rosie and Elisabeth celebrate Elisabeth’s 30th birthday.

I’m disappointed Rosie left. I don’t really know what to think about it. I checked out the Q&A on Rosie.com and she’s basically saying she felt that the producers created the blow up for ratings. They were so ready for it that they did that “split screen” thing while they argued.  Also that she felt betrayed friendshipwise by Elisabeth.

She was just so angry I guess she quit. Then some of her less mature friends vandalized some pictures of Elisabeth in the studio. Uh, what is this freaking Junior High School and we’ve let the mean girls run rampant?

 (Bizarro side note: I’m watching the DVR of this morning’s show and Rosie just told Elisabeth that she and her little family get to spend an entire week free at her Miami home for a vacation. Hope she already took that week! Cause I don’t think that’s happening at this point.)

I will say this – I like Rosie, I’m disappointed she didn’t sign on for another year and I’m disappointed she quit after the argument. I think she was wrong to call Elisabeth a coward and imply she was too stupid to hold two thoughts at once. But, I think she got angry, because she’s super-passionate about the war) and unfortunately it was on national television. I can totally see myself doing that (passionately losing it) and then waking up in horror the next morning wishing I could pretend it never happened.

I don’t dislike Elisabeth. I disagree with her completely on most issues, but then I live in the Bible Belt of East Texas, so I’m used to being surrounded by Elisabeths. I’ve found they are generally very nice and good people and if you avoid talking about these issues you can be quite good friends with them. But, you know it’s a talk show, they are hired to talk about the issues and Barbara Walters had always envisioned a show where very different women with different views would discuss the issues. Mission Accomplished.

But, Elisabeth constantly annoys the crap out of me. For one thing does she have to look so much like Barbi? Don’t take this as jealousy, maybe a little bit – who wouldn’t want to have all the physical blessings Elisabeth has? 

But, she says really bull#$%& stuff, like on Monday’s show where she said she throws sand in Tim’s eyes when she stands up at the beach so he won’t see her body. I find it really very irritating when thin, fit women say stuff like that. She has a perfect body and I frankly believe she is aware of the perfection of her body. It should not be a hobby to complain about your perfect body. I mean, thin little Elisabeth sitting between Joy and Rosie complaining about being seen in a swimsuit.  It’s insulting.

Shut up stick.

That’s what I would never say, but think about saying to thin beautiful women who complain about their appearance. Can’t pretty girls have a freaking self esteem? How are we chubby women ever supposed to feel good about our own bodies if the perfect, thin healthy women can’t manage to appreciate it and feel good about it?

This is why young girls are getting so screwed up with the eating disorders and self-hatred. They see thin, perfect Elisabeth dissatisfied with perfection. The View should institute a Self-Loathing Sin Bank, like the one I have at home. My daughter and I have to pay a fine if we criticize ourselves. Elisabeth should have to pay $100 every time she says something about how unattractive or insecure about her body she is. (This rule should not apply to Joy however, because she has legitimate issues and her self-criticism is for comedic value and we can all relate to it, as she does not look like Barbi.)

Anyway, Cheers Rosie. I, for one, hope to see you on the air somewhere.

Post from: Blisstree

Rosie Quit, Elisabeth Stays