I’m sure that it’s happened in my own relationships and I see it in relationships all around me all the time.  My observations might fall into some gender stereotypes, but when I see I pattern I just need to call attention to it and find out if other people feel the same way.  I am addressing this from a woman’s viewpoint, but the same situation could definitely exist in the reverse for a man.

If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time you probably think that it is moving towards engagement and marriage.  As the years tick by on your relationship calendar and you take significant steps forward (like moving in together, meeting each other’s families, taking vacations together, and adopting pets) you naturally just develop feelings towards lifelong commitment.

The common problem that I have been noticing is the feeling of waiting.  Due to stereotypes about the male “inability to commit” women find themselves suppressing their feelings of wanting to get married.  They fear that even bringing up the issue will push their man away and they will lose the relationship completely.  What does this mean for a relationship?

It means that there is unaddressed tension between the man and woman because they are not discussing their future in an open way and they are not being honest about their inentions with one another.

In this situation I think women should just put it all out in the open.  If they completely intend to marry their boyfriend, they should let him know.  Obviously don’t jump to this step too soon, but it is important to be honest so you don’t find yourself waiting for something that will never happen.

If you find that you have a definite feeling of “waiting” in your relationship, then do something about it!  Stop waiting for him to make a decision about your future together.  Don’t be too intense about it, but do have a talk. It may be the scariest thing in the world to imagine your boyfriend telling you that he never wants to marry you, but if that is the absolute truth then you need to find out and start moving on.

But in many cases you will be happy to find that it’s the opposite…guys just need a little push sometimes.  They need you to put that idea in their head and help them to realize that the time has come to make movements towards the next step.  It won’t be a quick or easy conversation that wraps up everything in a bow, but you shouldn’t keep waiting…you should start the communication now.

Being on the same page is extremely important in a relationship and finding out what your individual plans are for your future is a good way to make sure your lives are going in a healthy direction.

Image: sxc

I finally watched the award-winning movie Revolutionary Road.  The film stars Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio as a young married couple living in a suburb of New York in the 1950’s.  The two extremely talented actors portray a tense husband and wife who address the challenges that come when they find that their life decisions have traveled in a direction that they never really intended them to.

Image: Zuma Press

I didn’t really know what to expect when I started this movie, but I have to say that I was extremely impressed.  The movie uses the art of conversation to expose insecurities and confusion that arise in a marriage.  I felt that the film was almost Shakespearean in the way that the archetypal characters delivered heart-wrenching monologues expressing frustration and confused emotions.  The characters and their interactions were truly brilliant.  A mentally ill neighbor pops in at key moments and delivers lines of brutal honesty to the couple about the lack of truthfulness and happiness in their relationship.

Although the movie is depressing in its portrayal of married life, it does expose the real challenges that men and women face when they find themselves trapped in a life of mortages, child-rearing, monotonous work days, and household chores.

If you are in a serious relationship, I strongly recommend watching this movie with your significant other or spouse and having a conversation about it.  Your reactions to the characters may bring ideas to the surface that would be worthwhile to discuss.  The movie brings up issues about the difference between male and female roles in a family and the contrast between being emotional detachment and complete expression of extreme emotions.

Just as the characters in Revolutionary Road struggle with communication in their relationship, I encourage movie-watchers to explore the best ways to communicate with their partner in order to understand and help one another when they are going through a difficult or transitional period.  Successful communication is the key to a healthy and balanced relationship.

Revolutionary Road is now available on DVD.

One of the things that I do not like about being in a long distance relationship is spending the holidays without my partner. Sometimes I feel like I will never have the kind of relationship that other people take for granted. Then, I get disgusted with myself for being so poor-me.

I had a good 4th of July holiday. I enjoyed my family and my friends stopped by for a visit in the evening, but I could not help wishing for a different sort of day next year. I’d like someone to plan with and shop with and cook with. I’d like my man with me when we are sitting on the patio, laughing with our friends. I want a family that includes a partner.

I’ve spent almost the entirety of my adult life single. I liked being single, appreciated the simplicity of it, the lack of hassle, the independence, but after a few years of that I decided that I was ready for something more. I began dating and was involved in first one, then this long distance relationship. Today, I am feeling a bit lonely and discouraged. How long does it have to be this way?  How long until we have even a short visit together again?  It bothers me that I feel uncomfortable asking those sort of questions.  Communication is important.

When I get like this, and I do get like this sometimes, I’m only human, I try to think of the long term goals that I have for my relationship. I try to remember that the absence won’t last forever, that it will be worth it when we are together again, but it’s hard to think that way when those ideas are abstract, when there’s no plan in place.  I don’t operate well with a completely open-ended future. I’m the kind of person who needs to work toward a goal. My life is full of a lot of uncertainty and I need some things to be constant or safe. This is one of those things.  

I think it’s time to concentrate on the things that I can control. I need to get my home better organized, work on my budget. Bay needs to practice driving and Sarah is teaching me the guitar. Max has some medical appointments and that requires my complete attention.

Hopefully the relationship stuff will fall into place. I know that my boyfriend cares for me. I will do my best to be more patient. 

And my next post will be more peppy. I promise.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Sometimes I hear the kids arguing and one of them will use a word or phrase that is not a normal part of their vocabulary. For example, not many 17 year-old boys would say this, “You are the most deceitful person that I have ever met.” Instead they would say something like this, “You are a liar.”

Sometimes people get jealous. They worry that someone is slipping away, that they are losing their influence. They worry that they might be losing the love or complete attention of another person and when this happens, they turn to coercion. They hit on a person’s frailties, on his or her fears until they chip away a chunk of their confidence. I’m talking their self-confidence as well as the confidence that they may have in their relationship. I find this sort of selfish and destructive behavior disgusting.

When I heard the “deceitful” statement, it was clearly a case of an individual parroting another persons bad intentions. These teenagers are still figuring things out. They need a supportive environment to do that. They don’t need outside sources filling their heads with doubts. How are they supposed to develop healthy relationships if their biggest influences are not healthy to start with? If things do not work out between them, they will still take the lessons that they learned during this relationship with them. They will suspect the next person is deceitful or jealous or whatever term they throw at each other.

Sorry to be a bit on the cryptic side, but we just had a scene here that was ridiculous and totally without merit. I do not appreciate people messing with the kids. Teenagers are not property to control. They are young adults who will soon be on their own, especially when they are 17 and almost 18. They deserve the best guidance we have to give. 

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography

My long distance boyfriend and I hit a bit of a rough patch. It can happen when you are dating someone you see often, but when you are dating someone you rarely get to actually date, it can spring out of nowhere and it can be brutal.

As I’ve mentioned before, talking to someone on the phone, you miss a lot of those cues. Texting is even worse and no matter how many times I say, “I don’t want to talk about serious things while texting,” we do just that - we talk about serious things while texting. We argue with our fingers. It’s ridiculous. I hate this distance thing and I do not throw the word “hate” around. Usually I reserve it for Hitler and houseflies, although it would cover terrorists, as well.

I was starting to focus on the problems, the stress, the hurt feelings, and forgetting why I fell in love with him in the first place. I was at the point where I thought, okay maybe we’ve taken this one as far as it can go. I hadn’t given up completely, but I was feeling a step away from there.

Today, I was riding my bike, which is where I do my best thinking, and his song came on my earphones - Swing Life Away, by Rise Against. As I listened to the words I remembered how we bonded over simple ideas like a relationship is a team, a partnership, and shared memories of growing up in the same small town. He would say that coming home to someone who loves you, that makes all the challenges in life - work trouble, finances - easier to handle. He was a man who was actively looking for a committment and I hadn’t met a man like that in more years than I can count.

The fighting, we’ve got to find a way to avoid it. I’m not a person who has any interest in winning an argument. I do not like yelling. It paralyzes me in a way, reminds me of too many scary things. The easiest way to explain how I react is this - I lose my words. If we are fighting, there isn’t going to be any winner, I tell him. We will both lose. It has to stop. This doesn’t mean that I need someone to always agree with me, but I do need someone who can let some things go. Not everything is worth a battle.

When Bay was a little younger, we had a really hard time. She’s scream at me, tell me how much she hated me, using language that I can’t repeat here. It sucked. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. One day I found a box of old pictures and I got an idea. I took a picture of her at an especially sweet time and I taped it to the refrigerator door. When she would act ugly, I’d look at that photo and remember that my beautiful baby still lived inside that crazy teenager.

My boyfriend, he’s no crazy teenager, but sometimes he’s just as frustrating (I’m sure he would say the same about me - I’m no angel, but I do try….). I’m going to use his song the same way I did my Bailey-picture. It will be my constant, the place I can come back to, to regroup and remember that we won’t always live so far from each other…..Someday we will be fighting in the same room…..okay, that was a joke.

Image credit: Chase Your Bliss Photography

Sarah came home a few minutes ago. She was crying and I followed her into her room to figure out what was up.  She wouldn’t say anything at first, but finally it came out that she’s very upset because the friend that she has been hanging around with told her to “shut up.”

I don’t like hearing, “shut up,” either. It’s rude and abrupt. There’s got to be a better way to halt the flow of words, but so far I’ve found that “enough” and “shut it” aren’t very good alternatives.

Sarah was angry and wanted a chance to “vent” to someone. That’s when she heard the “shut up.”  I’m pretty sure I was the subject of the vent, as I’d just kicked the girls outside and told Sarah to get some exercise. I thought it was very grown up of her to use the word, “vent.” She wants a friend that she “can talk to about anything.”  I tried to explain to her that there’s no such friend in existence.

I have a few close friends, a boyfriend, a sister, and a mom that I talk to about things. They are all wonderful listeners, but I cannot talk to any of them about everything. It’s not a matter of trust - I trust them. It’s more a matter of boundaries and respecting their time and attention. The truth is that nobody wants to hear all your stuff. They’ve got their own stuff and we are all just trying to get by.

I told Sarah that what she needs is a journal. She can write anything and everything in the journal and Bay and I will respect her privacy - we will not read the journal. She can unload, vent, talk about everything until she’s feeling calm again.  Everyone needs a safe place to let off some steam.

*Update* I found her a  journal. It has a pretty cover and a band that keeps it closed. She asked if she’s allowed to write anything in there, “even bad words?” I assured her that it is her book and nobody else will read it.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

I read a piece from AOL Personals today about 5 of the biggest break-ups cues. I think if you are hearing some of these phrases from your partner, it’s possible that your relationship is heading toward a break-up, but it’s not inevitable.

For example, a request for space might mean just that - give your partner some space. No one wants to feel pressured or crowded. Back off, let your loved one miss you a little (this is advice that I give to my daughter’s boyfriend all the time.) 

Backing off can work two-fold. First, your partner gets the breathing room they have requested. Two, you can focus on what you want again. Sometimes we get so locked into the pursuit aspect that we lose perspective. Maybe the relationship isn’t going in the right direction for you, either.

If someone says that they will call you later, well they may be busy and unable to talk. Again, I suggest backing off. People are busy. It’s not all about you.

If your partner is comparing you to someone else or calling your bad names, then he/she is just rude. I say it might be time to move on. Or call them on it. Say, “That is hurtful.” You don’t have to put up with abuse. That’s not part of a healthy relationship.

Silence is not good. As my friend, Scarlet, told me during my last relationship, “No answer is your answer.”  I think she was quoting, He’s Just Not That Into You. She was correct. He was a two-timing jerk and I’ve happily moved on. 

My point is this - don’t make assumptions, don’t expect the worst. These are stressful times we are living in and everyone can use a breather now and again.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

I got the book, The Law of Connection: the Science of Using NLP to Create Ideal Personal and Professional Relationships, by Michael J. Losier, author of The Law of Attraction, in the mail today. 

I’ve only been able to read the first few pages, but so far I’ve learned that good communication is affected by rapport, calibrating, and communication style. The way you relate to others has to do with your ability to recognize, understand, and get in-tune to another person’s way of communication.  I’m going to read the book this weekend and get back to you ASAP with a review.

I love my new boyfriend, but sometimes we run into communication issues. I think that a large part of this has to do with the limitations of our relationship - he’s in Colorado, I’m in California. We do most of our communicating on the phone. It’s easy to misunderstand someone when you can’t see their expression or body languageand it’s even easier to misunderstand them when you are texting and have absolutely no clues whatsoever to intent.

Throughout my last relationship, I found myself giving in a lot, just going along in an attempt to avoid an argument. It worked in a way - we only had about 3 actual arguments in a year and a half, but when I look back, I am frustrated with myself. I pushed a lot down and giving in didn’t always work out in the long run, because it led to resentment, on my part. (And serious dislike, at this point.)

I want my relationship with Mark to be the forever kind and that means I can’t just push things down, I have to sometimes argue my point. Sometimes more than once, because that’s the way things play out with him on occasion.

I have picked up a few things along the way and I’m going to pass them along in the hopes that they might help you.

*You don’t have to win. In fact if yelling is involved, you can pretty much guarantee that there will be no winner at all. (Hurt feelings=you both lose).
*Someone has to stay calm. You can’t both get wound up, even in the most stressful of situations (for example, when someone misses their flight).
*Don’t discuss important things through text. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Is romance doomed in the the age of text and email?  Christie Nightingale calls it, the “electronic epidemic” and she sees it as a major bump on the road to love.

“It’s everywhere — everyone is texting, everyone e-mailing and it just seems to be a diffused focus on dating these days,” said Christie Nightingale, a relationship expert.

Nightingale is a matchmaker with a D.C. dating service. She calls it an “electronic epidemic” and says it’s causing clients to give up courting. She believes the back and forth texts or e-mails can cause a would-be couple to crash.

“Seems to be prolonging the process of connecting and meeting one another to establish a relationship,” noted Nightingale.

My boyfriend and I text a lot.  A lot. I like that it keeps us connected throughout the day even though we live so far apart (I’m in California and he is in Colorado), but sometimes it leads to communication problems.

You can’t see the person that you are texting with. Without looking the other person in the face, there are  no clues to mood or attitude, so it’s easy to misunderstand intent.  We’ve both seen something innocent blow up a bit. Very not fun. I prefer to talk on the phone, but even that can be tricky. (I do love his voice).

I agree that it’s best to spend time talking in person, but with my guy halfway across the country, I do what I have to do. (Until today. Woot! I get to see my boyfriend today!)

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Looks like we all could use a new phone! We had over 350 people that entered to win a VTech phone! Can’t blame you, that phone ROCKS. I just read an article that talked about how the phone is still a popular method of communication despite having things like Twitter and Facebook. I guess social networking has only increased our need for communication.

The winner of our giveaway was Joey! Congrats to Joey and for those of you who didn’t win, remember to check out some of the other awesome giveaways we have going on right now. Just click on the “contests” button at the top of the menu.

Image: sxc.hu.