The Decision to Snoop

There are definitely situations where the decision to take advantage of access to private information is the right decision.  Many cheaters and liars have been caught through reading emails or text messages.  It is a very serious decision to decide to snoop around on your partner and I only recommend this decision if you have other evidence that leads you to believe that your partner has been lying.

This is the most important aspect of this decision:  Do not make the decision to snoop unless you are fully prepared to confront your partner about your discovery and take appropriate actions to deal with the situation.  If you think your partner is cheating, finding the actual evidence is going to be mind-blowingly devastating and you need to emotionally prepare yourself to make decisions that will be the right ones for you and your future.

Snooping is not an action that should be taken lightly.  It should not be incorporated into your relationship as a regular activity.  If you decide to snoop it is because you are trying to find out if your partner has been dishonest with you and you are finally taking a step to discover the truth.  If you snoop once and find that your partner is being truthful and honest, have the self-restraint to not snoop again.  You found what you were looking for, so move forward in your relationship with trust and happiness.

The Decision Not To Snoop

In most relationships, the decision to respect each other’s privacy is the right one.  Snooping involves distrust and trust should be a strong element that exists at the base of your relationship.  If you are curious about your partner’s relationships with exes and friends of the opposite sex, that is not a reason to snoop.  Even if you have access to all of your partner’s private information, you should be happy that you trust each other enough to share that and not abuse it.

Snooping will always make you feel guilty and dirty.  It is not a good feeling to go behind your partner’s back, so always try direct communication and calm confrontation before resorting to snooping.  If you are caught snooping, you need to take responsibility for your actions and understand that you have put your relationship at risk by violating mutual trust.  If you are not caught, you risk developing a bad habit that will emotionally separate you from your partner as you sneak around and hide information that you have discovered.

Please take the issue of snooping in a relationship extremely seriously.  Even just quickly checking your partner’s emails or text messages can open the door to behavior that is hurtful and distrustful.  If you are feeling like making the decision to snoop, consider all of the consequences of losing trust in your relationship and truly consider what you are looking to find.

This behavior can be addictive and can become a self-destructive habit extremely quickly, so consider your reasons and consequences before committing to your actions.

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How To Decide If You Should Snoop

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Nowadays, there are so many ways to communicate and to let them know the ties with home aren’t broken:

• Phone and cell phone
• Text messaging
• E-mail
• Facebook or similar
• Skype of similar
• Postal mail
• “Care” packages

I think our granddaughter has received all of these types of communications from her parents, brother, grandparents, friends and aunt.  We know her ups and downs and she knows we’re all here and care.

Nowadays the means of communication are so many versus my college days when we wrote letters to parents and they to us.  We used the phone only for emergencies because long distance calls weren’t in the family budget.

When our daughter attended college, we used the phone a little more.  But the postal mail was the main means of messages back and forth.

How do you keep in touch with your college students?

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Communicating with Your College Student

If you are in a relationship where you have asked someone to change something significant about their behavior or personality for you, then you know how difficult it is to move forward after this has occurred.  I’m not talking about asking your boyfriend to start putting the seat down after he uses the bathroom or to help wash the dishes.  I’m talking about serious issues like asking your boyfriend to quit smoking or to stop taking his frustrations out on you.  Bringing up these issues creates an extreme amount of tension in your relationship as you each deal with sensitivity to the issue and a struggle against what feels natural.

If you are dealing with a request for change directed at one specific side in your relationship, then the most important question you need to answer is:  Does this person want to change on their own or are they changing just for me?

Everyone says “People don’t change” but I am an optimist and I don’t believe this is true.  I know that people can change.  If you believe in yourself and have the desire to be the best person that you can be by being good to the people around you and being good to yourself, then change is definitely possible.  You have the power to control yourself and be who you want to be.  On the opposite end, if you don’t believe that you need to change and you are just trying to adapt yourself to become what someone else desires, then change may not be necessary or possible.

If you have been asked to change by your partner but you don’t believe that you need to change, then you need to take mature steps to analyze the situation and respond appropriately.  Pull yourself out of the situation and address the larger issue.  Does the request for change fit into your values and morals?  Does it make you feel like a better person?  Or does it require you to abandon something that is an important and positive part of yourself?  Think about why it would be so important to your partner and then why they might think it would be important to you.

If your partner says “Quit smoking” but you don’t want to quit smoking on your own, then change will probably not occur even if you want to please your partner.  If your partner says “Quit smoking” and it makes you think about why you smoke and then you realize that you would like to start living a healthy and smoke-free life, then change will occur.

Asking someone to change or being asked to change can go two very different ways.  It can push you apart or it can be a wonderful start to really bringing you closer together.  Just remember to deal with the issue in a mature manner where you try to avoid being defensive or hyper-sensitive to issues that could have an important effect on your relationship.

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Post from: Blisstree

Can You Change For Your Partner?

Leave your baggage at the door. Guys are happy to help out their girlfriends with emotional issues. But if the baggage becomes apparent too early in the relationship, then a guy will probably bail. Also, baggage causes people to put pressure on or damage a relationship, so it may be doomed from the outset.
 

Why is assumed that women are the only ones with baggage?  Nobody gets to adulthood without a bag or two.  I have issues, I admit it. It’s the people who say they don’t have issues that I worry about.

I knew someone who would question my motives and the things that I said, frequently seeing some other meaning in my words.  I’m not a perfect communicator, but I’m not a  double-talker either. When I say something, I mean what I say. I’m not using it as secret code for something altogether different. You know what I think was happening here?  I think that sometimes this person had that baggage up around his ears and it kept him from hearing me correctly.
 
Here’s a peek into my personal baggage – I worry all men will cheat on me. This baggage comes courtesy of a few cheaters. (Thanks, guys.)  In reality, I know that men are not all cheaters. I know that many of them have self control, but baggage is not about being smart or realistic. It’s about carting around something heavy that slows you down and possibly holds you back.
 
The trick is to recognize your personal baggage and refuse to pick it up. Start fresh. You might think that the baggage contains important lessons learned, but really it’s stuffed full of  prejudice.

Leave that bag of prejudice behind. Walk free, feel lighter. When you met someone new,  don’t  judge that new person based on the experiences you had with the last joker who wasted your time.

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Leave the Nasty Baggage Behind

I’m inspired by one example from a friend of mine. She and her father are the quiet ones in the family. While perfectly articulate when in his corporate world, her father just couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. There was always hesitation from his end, she said. She mirrored this by not talking to him much either, though she did desperately want to build a bond with her father. She sensed he wanted to build a relationship with her too.

One evening, she left a note on his desk. “Dad, may I have money for a textbook I have to buy for class? Thanks. I love you.” The next morning, after her father had left for work, she approached his desk and found a note addressed to her. “Here’s the money. Good luck with class. I love you too.” As a hardly expressive duo, leaving short notes helped them open up little by little to each other without the awkwardness of confronting each other.

And so began an exchange of overnight notes and conversations. She would leave a note to tell him a little about her day. He would write a quick reply and tell him a little about his. “I made the debate team today, Daddy. I’m so happy!,” she wrote once. “I’m proud of you! Looking forward to watching your matches!,” he wrote back the next morning. They would continue to pass each other quietly in the hallway at home, but the exchanges of notes was enough for them to acknowledge that they were building a relationship they were both happy with.

Talking as a form of communication may be ideal, but perhaps it wasn’t the best fit for this father and daughter. Conversations in short notes was their own way of communicating with each other, and it was the best way for them to build a relationship all their own.

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Communicating through short notes

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One of the enjoyable ways we keep in contact with our granddaughter is Skype. We all can see one another as well has having real time communication. Kara and her younger brother have great conversations over Skype. Even the dog sees Kara’s face and looks around for her in person.

“But I don’t know how to use Skype,” you say.

A great resource, we’ve discovered, is Skype for Dummies to help you get set up, learn how to use it, even make conference calls. We haven’t tried conference calls with Kara yet, but my husband uses them for a home based business, communicating with associates around the country.

Friends say they found Skype very useful last year when their daughter went to college in a distant state. They all communicated regularly and kept the family in touch.

Have you used Skype with your college students?

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Skype for College Students

I did some research and here are some tips for better communication:

*Pay attention. If you are speaking in person, turn your entire body toward the person you are speaking with. Look them in the eye when they speak. If you are on the phone, get rid of distractions. Put down your book. Turn off the television. If there are other people making noise in the room, move to a quieter location.

*Actively listen. Don’t sit there waiting for a chance to jump in with your point. Listen to what your partner is saying. If you are only thinking of your point of view, you might miss something important.

*If you don’t understand what the other person is saying, ask questions. Repeat what you heard, ask for clarification. Do not make assumptions.

*Pick your battles. Not everything is worth an argument or discussion. Sometimes people are stressed out about things that have nothing to do with you. If it’s not truly important, then let it go.

*Don’t yell. This is one that I run into a lot with my kids. The minute I raise my voice, I am no longer making any sort of point. Instead I’ve morphed into mean mom and they tune me out. You cannot force another person to your point of view and by trying to intimidate them, you risk losing their respect. If you get angry, take a break. Try again later when you are feeling more in control of your emotions.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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5 Tips for Better Communication

My sister and her husband have been married for 16 years. They have been a couple for about 21 years. In that time I’ve watched their relationship change – up and down, but never out. There are times when they can be a bit bickery, but my brother-in-law never stops doing goofy stuff like goosing my sister or asking her silly and/or inappropriate questions that make her blush and punch his arm as she yells, “Matt!!”  If he ever stops the teasing, that’s when I’ll worry.

He teases Robin because he loves her. He does it because he thinks his wife is adorable and sexy and her easy-to-push buttons are impossible for him to resist. It’s become their thing.

I wish them another 40+ years of the same sort of button-pushing and arm punching. And I look forward to Monday when I get to spend another short, but fun-filled visit with them again.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

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Teasing Is Their Thing

She’s spent entirely too much time on the computer this Summer and not enough outside running around. I try to get her out there, but she’s back soon with “It’s too hot, there’s no one around, the kids are boring…

I took her to the pool, but she and her pal argued so much there yesterday that I brought them home early. She was angry about something that was going on – her friend kept pouring water over her head with a toy that you use to speak underwater – and instead of just swimming away or finding something else to do, she got pissed.

I understand that sometimes kids are jerk-like, mine included, but children are not born knowing what to do. They have to learn how communicate with people, how to pick their battles, and most importantly, how to compromise. Adults sometimes forget these lessons, I’ve noticed. They grow older and a bit on the my way or the highway-ish. We are never too old to learn how to be a better friend.

Summer vacation is more than half over for my kids – we go back on the 12th of August (insane) – so I’m going to use my time wisely. I’m going to read the book, The Care and Keeping of Friends, by Nadine Bernard Westcott, with Sarah.

Bailey and I read it together when she was about Sarah’s age and struggling with peer relationships. I can remember The Care and Keeping of Friends being the second most helpful kid’s book Bay and I read together. It ranked after Everybody Poops and just ahead of The Period Book.

I’m looking at this as a Summer project that we have Sarah better prepared for school in the Fall.  Okay, it will still be officially Summer her for us, but I’m looking at this as back to school-work.  We’ll practice for the rest of the Summer and by the first day of school, she’ll be golden.

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My Back-To-School Friend Plan

Frequently, she accepts a date and then immediately regrets it. That’s when the panic starts. How am I going to get out of it? Why did I say yes? I’m not really attracted to this guy, she will say. I tell her that she does not have to accept just because she is asked. She does not owe anyone a date.

Sometimes she will decide that no, she is not going out with a guy and she will have a good reason…he lives too far away and she would never relocate to his area, he drinks too much, he is too young, he is too old, but then  somehow she finds that she has agreed to plans at a later date.

I think that part of the reason this happens is that women are conditioned to be polite. We want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We don’t want to appear cold or unfeeling or bitchy.  There has to be a balance.

I think we need to listen to our gut more. Have an open mind. Maybe a guy has more to offer than we thought. For example, he might be willing to relocate if you don’t like where he lives, he’s actually closer to your age than he looks, whatever, but don’t settle if it feels like “settling.” 

Any advice for my friend?  I tell her to say, “No, thank you.”  If she needs to elaborate, she can say, “I’m taking a break from dating.”  She’s not being impolite by refusing. Saying no in the beginning stings a whole lot less than a breakup farther down the line.

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It’s Okay To Say No