Is it sex? A kiss? Laughter? A squeeze of the hand? Or is it something more than that?

Those butterflies in your stomach when you’re going out on a first date…or the surge of excitement right before the doors open at the airport and your eyes search to find your lover is standing on the other side..or the anticipation right after you say “I love you” for the first time and maybe/maybe not that other person will say it back?

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Is that intimacy?

I think intimacy is a lot of things, but I don’t think any of the above could be labeled as such. Sure, a lot of it is love. Some lust. Some just the general sense of newness that most of us crave throughout our lives.

But intimacy to me is something more. The Merriam-Webster’s definition is decidedly lackluster (“something of a personal or private nature”) and even Wikipedia’s attempt (“a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other.”) conveys a great deal of bias.

So what the heck is it?

Here is how I see intimacy, since a suitable definition alludes me.

Intimacy is…

…knowing that he is pretending to still be sleeping while you’re doing early morning chores – and finding that endearing.

…being able to say “I stepped in a puddle on the way home so my shoes are going to reek when I take them off. Just sayin’.” and knowing he’ll still love you and think you’re pretty.

…calling each other on your flaws and personality quirks, but in a way to help each other grow and become better people.

…not laughing when he almost refers to himself as a chef in Williams & Sonoma, only two weeks after first picking up a cookbook (but teasing him about it later and both of you laughing about it – without judgement.)

…knowing how your partner sleeps (I toss and turn, he’s solidly in one place all night) and feeling like the bed is empty when it’s just you there.

…picking up on the languages and vocabulary in each others professions/passions through osmosis – or rather, because you both were actually listening to all those ramblings over dinner.

…always saying “I love you” when you feel it, and totally meaning it, because we only get so many chances to say it.

What is intimacy to you?

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Intimacy In Real Life

“Can I tell Paul?”

Usually people will laugh and say, “Of course you can tell Paul. I kind of expected that you would.”

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But occasionally the person I am talking to will shake their head and be firm about not wanting anyone, even Paul, to know. I can’t stand that tug and pull between my friend and my spouse, who I very much do not keep secrets from.

It would be so much easier if during the wedding ceremony and in the thank you cards, we all reminded our loved ones that this person we live with and hang out with all the time – yeah, we’re going to tell him/her everything. Expect that if you tell me, he will know within the next 1-3 hours. If I think he won’t really care, I might save this new information for when we’re brushing our teeth. But if it’s something he will find equally as juicy, I’m probably calling him on my way home.

Now, just because I can’t keep a secret, that does’t mean we both can’t. We’re a team, a pair, a couple of people who share everything with one another. So really, my friends and family should be thanking me and Paul for having each other…that way the temptation to tell someone is out of our systems and safely left between the two of us.

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Do You And Your Spouse Have Secrets?

Except…

“Well, he’s really sweet, and generous, but kind of…boring.”

Apparently, my friend and this guy fell into a relationship about a week into dating. They never had the casual dating phase, but, rather, went from first date to sleepovers and having toothbrushes in each other’s apartments.

Hot?

Not.

“Most nights, we just sit on the couch side by side on our laptops and don’t even talk.”

My friend is rethinking the entire relationship, wondering if the price of achieving the comfort level has meant the honeymoon has ended before it ever even started – and while she wants to recapture the passion, she can’t actually remember it ever being there in the first place.

We know many marriages eventually become friendships. But can a relationship last if that’s all it really is to start out with?

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Love Gone Lame

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But at the same time, sometimes it’s just so nice to get dressed up and put your beautiful face forward for each other. For him. But mostly for you.

Come on, it’s just so nice to be all spruced up and looking your best, isn’t it? No doubt, he will be delighted. But that should really be a given! You should spend the time putting yourself together to give your self confidence and emotional happiness a little weekend celebratory lift.

Put the sweatpants away, break out the blush and really take the time to shave your darn legs. As I said – he will notice. But it probably won’t be the particulars about your physical appearance that have the most impact. It will be you at your best, knowing you are at your best, and feeling darn good about it.

Your sweatpants will always be there. And sweatpants can be sexy too! But make sure, even just once in a while, you make the effort to spend that extra time in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Enjoy it. For you.

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Get Out of Your Sweatpants. For You.

I have heard women lament about how as soon as they got married, 5-20 pounds immediately appeared on their frame, as if a wedding band were a magnet for saddlebags and love handles. The same deflection is heard every Fall when a bunch of kids trot off to college and promptly gain “the freshman fifteen”.

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No, your husband and your marriage are not making you fat. And this is coming from a woman who has probably put on close to twenty pounds since the wedding day! To be fair, the slide downhill probably started a year or two before the actual wedding, but never the less – in the last 18 months or so…the difference is noticeable, as much as I hate to admit it.

Could I just blame Paul? Make it his fault that I don’t eat skimpy salads for dinner? Yeah, probably. He might even absorb that accusation just because who wants to be the guy to say, “Eve, you’re the reason you can’t fit into your favorite jeans anymore, not me.” No one wants to be that guy.

No, it’s not Paul’s fault. It is my concern and my stress, work, life that has caused exercise and moderation to escape my brain completely. The downside of an active childhood is that you can eat whatever you want without a second thought. As soon as that is paired up with an office job and long hours…the pounds are hard to stave off.

Don’t blame your husband if you are battling with your weight. That’s only going to stop you from doing something about it. Making it a consequence of married life only stalls the ability to change and start feeling better about yourself.

Okay, easy part is over. I know who is to blame. (Me.) Now the hard part – actually doing something about it.

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Is Your Husband Making You Fat?

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It’s only the next day, when you’re yawning every five minutes that you remember how you’re not cut out for all nighters anymore.

But after a while, once you have settled into a steady routine (ick, as much as I don’t like that word) it isn’t just about fitting sleep somewhere into your relationship. You have to reclaim a good night’s sleep and do what’s right for your own sanity and happiness.

I sometimes stay up really late, but I’m a secret early riser. And although there are certainly times where it’s great to hop into bed together, I’ve realized that for the most part I have to go to bed when I need to go to bed…otherwise, I’m too cranky for words the next day – and no one wants to hang out with that Eve.

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How Similar Are Your Sleeping Routines?

Heaven!

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Right now, Paul and I share a bathroom. Thankfully, it’s a nice size bathroom. But back when we were still in a small one bedroom, we happened to find a unit that had two teeny bathrooms instead of one moderately sized one. The reason? It’s better for each of us to be crammed into our own separate spaces than have to try to work around each other in a bathroom only meant for one. Inevitably, my overabundance of hair products are going to bug him, and he’s going to leave the toilet seat up or beard clippings in the sink (gross!).

We don’t have the beautiful oversize individual bathrooms yet…but here are the ground rules we try really hard to respect in order to keep a little peace and sanity in our place.

Toilet Seat = DOWN. Guys, it’s just gross when you leave it up. We have two cats anyway, so the toilet must be closed up anyway so they don’t poke their heads in for a quick drink.

There must be three towels. One for Paul, One for me, and one for my hair. If I have to use Paul’s towel for the hair, go get another one for him to replace it.

I’m responsible for shampoo availability. Since I probably use twice as much of it, I’m the one who keeps an eye on the bottle of shampoo to make sure we’re always topped up.

Makeup must be stowed away. Otherwise…it’s everywhere.

The sink is sacred. Toothpaste, powder, beard shavings all combine to make the most disgusting gunk ever. Clean after use. This goes for both of us.

Do you share a bathroom with your hubby? How do you keep the peace in there?

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Couplehood: Sharing A Bathroom

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Maybe. But this discussion around what we have been discussing (work!) and the absence of much in the way of outside interests, prompted us to start our own little two person book club. It’s very exclusive.

The only problem is that I will literally devour a book. Whereas Paul likes to take his time and approach each chapter in small doses. Nothing wrong with that…except when I’m long done with the book and continuously asking…

“What part are you at now?”

But even though we don’t do a good job keeping pace with each other, it’s still fun to even laugh about that. Sure, we will eventually get around to discussing the book itself, but for right now I’ll wait for him to finish the last ten chapters and simply smile because I we both learned a little something new about each other.

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Couples That Stay Together, Read Together

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But provided things are good, talking to your lover well after the shiny gleam of wedding day madness has worn away and you two are settled into married life about how you got here and what marriage means to you can make for a fun opportunity to get to know a little more about your “other half”.

For me, marriage is about friendship. We’re more than just a couple, we are best friends in the entire world and actually really love spending time together. Marriage was (and still is) a natural progression of this closeness and desire to be connected with each other.

But marriage to me is also about protecting each other and making sure no matter what we are both equals protected should we ever decide this isn’t working anymore. I have no disillusions about the statistics stacked against everlasting marriage – especially given how young we made it official. And for right now, we both make similar salaries and contribute equally to paying for our lifestyle and saving for our future. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable combining all our assets and finances without a marriage license legally binding us together.

Heart and head leading the way, that’s why I got married.

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Why Did You Get Married?

Forget flowers, chocolates, and expensive presents. When it comes to offering a completely unprompted mini affection reminder, the love note makes everything okay.

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When Paul and I first moved in together, he was still in school and had to leave extremely early in the morning – before I had a chance to wake up and say goodbye. Sure, there would be the groggy acknowledgment of his farewell (soon forgotten as I slipped back into a contented sleep-state), but that was it. Maybe I could have gotten up sooner and adjusted my schedule – but I was working late and doing my own schoolwork at night…so overall there was little we could do to make our daily routines work well together.

No big deal. Paul figured out a way around that.

Without ever really expressing my disappointment that a proper send off wasn’t going to happen at the hour he was leaving, Paul started leaving little sticky pad love notes on the wall above our bed. Simple sentiments, scribbled affection…yes, it was totally cheesy and wonderful and made me start every day with a smile. He loved leaving them for me and I loved waking up to a new pen color and way of saying ‘I love you’ every day.

It wasn’t ever something we really talked about. And since then our schedules have thankfully become far more similar and predictable on a day to day basis (as much as I adore love notes, I would rather have the real thing!). But here we are, several years later…and every once in a while I still get surprised with a love note. Under my keyboard, on the refrigerator, by the front door…it’s just our thing.

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All It Takes Is A Love Note