Our representative walked into the room and handed AJ to me and he was so scared. He took a couple of deep rattling inhales and would not look at me or hang onto me, something I completely expected. You can see his wide-eyed expressions in the pictures, but he was so tense.

Eventually, over the next two days his eyes began to light up every time we walked into the room or he saw a smile on our faces. And our hearts ached when we had to say goodbye to him…and know it was for an undetermined amount of time.

9 things we learned about AJ in 9 hours…

1. He has an infectious giggle and a gorgeous smile.

2. He loves movement…especially flying with his Papa. I wish they made toddler swings for indoors.

3. He is extremely ticklish, and he loves it. But, when he has had enough he will certainly tell you even though he can’t speak yet.

4. Throwing things seems to be his favorite things to do. He tastes the object to see if he likes it and then throws it. When he is done with the toy, he throws it. If he does not like it, he throws it. If he does like it, he throws it…Basically, he throws. Unfortunately Dad, he throws backwards. Any ideas for non throw-able plane toys?

5. He loves cars. Typical boy.

6. He sucks his thumb when he gets tired. No one told us this but I have a gorgeous picture of him doing it because I caught him as he started to get sleepy. It is one of my favorites.

7. He loves to climb and is extremely curious. Wish us luck.

8. He does not walk well yet, but knows exactly how to get places without having to walk without assistance from someone or an object. He can figure out how to get anywhere he wants to go. You can see his brain churning…do I hang onto the fence, crawl, scoot my butt against the wall, or hang onto papa? It was very humorous to watch him get places. The good thing is he has problem solving skills.

9. He is VERY active. Again…wish us luck…lots of it.

In retrospect, it is amazing how much I cued into and how much I knew about AJ just from those 9 hours. I knew he had Sensory Processing Dysfunction because he loved to swing and loved to be tickled but could only handle so much. I knew he had no fear because he would climb without any regard for heights or for falling. I knew that he was smart and could figure things out if he put his mind to it, and I knew that he was going to give us challenges every day…a run for our money, so to speak.

Thankfully, we enjoy the challenges. They certainly are not fun everyday but we’ll take ‘em.

Post from: Blisstree

The Little Things

He was getting yet another cold, he was tired, and to me, he looks so alone. In reality, he was trying to escape stimulation, something that he continued to do at home when he got there. He used to stand at his favorite window with his cars and watch the cars on the street go past the house.

To me, he looks sad, so lost, so orphan-like. It is one of my favorite pictures because it captures who he was and what he left behind. Deep down there is still so much of that little boy in him though. I catch glimpses of it every once in a while when he stops to look out a window or when he lays on the floor to play with his cars.

That afternoon, Eric and I made our final decision and signed our petition to formally adopt AJ.

It was April 1, 2005.

Post from: Blisstree

Reality of an Older Adoptee

He is, in every sense of the word, our miracle. He gave us faith in each other. He gave us unconditional love and everyday he gives us a little more sunshine.

But as most of you know,  our journey has not always been the most peaceful because AJ has good and bad days. What is ironic is that our journey started off just as adventurous as it is now…and we should have known we were in for a bumpy ride.

I won’t go into details about that Friday morning before our flight but I will tell you that the dog ate two pounds of rat poison (we put it out by the creek to get rid of the mice) and we had to rush to the vet’s office one hour before leaving for our flight. Thankfully, he was just fine and our kennel took great care of him while we were gone.

Luckily, we had upgraded to first class on our way to Russia and were able to relax (or at least try to). In this picture, Eric is updating his father on the dog and our travel arrangements.  We traveled to St. Petersburg for three days and then to Arkhangelsk to see AJ for the first time.

Post from: Blisstree

A Good Friday it Was

In fact, by 7 p.m. I am so defeated by just one four year old that I don’t know what to do anymore. Lately, meaning the last few weeks, he has been very difficult and we are now looking into adoption and family services to help us with him.

Whew, gosh. That is probably one of the hardest things I have ever said. It is almost like admitting I am a failure as a mom.

I constantly ask myself what I did wrong. Did I do this to him or did he “come” this way? Have I just not broken down his barriers yet?

I remember the first time he hit me so clearly.

We were in Russia on our second trip, the one where we were to go to court and legally adopt him and then take full custody. We had already had a difficult trip and on the second day of visiting him we were outside in the courtyard walking around with him, which was his favorite thing to do. He stumbled on a stick and fell right in front of both of us. He looked up at us, screamed as I picked him up, and slapped me across the face. He reached for my husband and immediately quieted.

The remainder of the trip he continued to take out his aggression on me. He never hit my husband. In fact, if Eric was holding him he would actually lean over to hit me. By the end of the trip I had perfected the sling (I wore him) double arm hold to prevent him from hitting me in the face.

Once home he continued to take his anger out on me. In fact, he still does. Hitting, kicking, pinching, scratching, throwing, hair pulling, etc. are his mechanisms to either get what he wants or let us know how he feels about a certain situation. In response to this, and on advice of an adoption attachment therapist, I learned to calm him using a safety hold.

There are many people who are opposed to safety holds (or restraint holds) but in order to keep myself safe, and AJ safe (because he also used self injurious behavior for a long time), I had to hold him. I HAD to protect myself and I had to make sure he was safe.

But, back to the point of me being a bad mommy…today was another tough day. AJ battled a bronchial infection two weeks ago. This meant antibiotics and a raging yeast infection…and yes….AJ gets yeast in his gut. Due to a water born bacteria called H Pylori, AJ’s digestive tract is trashed. And when I say trashed, I mean trashed. H Pylori killed his lactate enzyme, all the good bacteria in his gut, and also made it permeable. This means he now has a “leaky gut”. So, yeast not only invades his gut but also his bloodstream.

When yeast invades the bloodstream it acts as an intoxicant and causes him to act as if he is truly intoxicated. His eyes get glassy, he gets extremely hyper and can’t listen, he gets aggressive, irritable, and he also gets insomnia.

As a parent, I recognize that he sometimes has a medical reason for his behavior. As a person, it is very difficult to handle. How does one handle a child when they throw shoes at you in the car, when they laugh at you as you are trying to discipline them, when they kick you, hit you, and scratch at you when you are trying to get mittens on? How does one get him to clean up his toys when he is giggling so madly he is shaking his head back and forth so fast I think it might fall off?

How do I get him to stop sticking his fingers in my ears, my eyes, and (yes, unfortunately) in my nose?

How do I know when his medical issues are the cause for his behaviors, or when he is just being a kid, or when he is acting up because of the “adoption” stuff? We have been talking a lot about the new baby because we want him to be aware of the situation before it happens.

We felt that because of his cognitive issues it would be better to talk about it so that he truly understands. (Most of the time we do not talk about something until we get into the car because he obsesses about it. Right now I am wondering if this would have been the better way to do it.)

He continues to bring up the new baby and wants to know when he/she is coming home. He is also talking about the Desky Dom (orphanage) and keeps saying he wants to go back. Is this just confusion or is this grief? Now that we are adopting again has this brought up his memories, or lack of memories?

What do you all think? I would love some help.

Post from: Blisstree

The Truth…I Feel Like a Horrible Mom