Fleetingly.

And you all know that I am as honest as the day comes.

I was exhausted. I was not just tired, I was exhausted to the point that getting up in the morning was painful. I would daydream about naptime and I would forfeit my lunch just to get a few more minutes of precious sleep.

I was physically abused but a 2 year old who was scared of everything around him, who was in constant sensory overload (and thus in a constant state of flight or flight), who could not understand or speak the language, who was medically ill (ear infections, food allergies and intolerances, H Pylori, yeast infections, etc), and who was so frightened that I would leave his sight that he would hurt himself if I left the room or took the garbage out.

I was emotionally drained by a depression that took hold because this was not at ALL what I expected, by family who wanted normalcy, by ailing fathers, by anger and grief of what might have been.

So I can understand why parents seek alternatives or solutions for their children but I am sure NOT about to give up my fight to help my child.

Most adoptions are successful, between 80 and 90 percent. However, sometimes things just happen. Sometimes medical issues arise like fetal alcohol syndrome or mental health issues. Sometimes it just is not a good match and safety becomes a primary consideration for all those involved.

In a nutshell, the older the child is at placement, the higher the risk of adoption disruption. It is extremely rare, at less than 1%, for an infant adoption to disrupt. Depending on the group being studied, the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse says that the disruption rate can range from 3 to 53 percent.

According to the Chicago Tribune article, Ranch Raises Hopes for Adoptees, disruptions and dissolutions are up because of the amount of international adoptions and the lack of parental training prior to adoptions.

First, as Americans adopted more children from overseas — the figures have almost tripled since 1990 — the number of children with despairing behaviors grew, and these children are now hitting adolescence, when their rages are more dangerous.

Moreover, many parents were unprepared for the challenges, in part because agencies glossed over their charges’ complex medical histories — or omitted them altogether. “Now, they’re out there all alone … living in a constant state of crisis,” said Amy Groessl, a therapist with the Children’s Research Triangle in Chicago, which serves high-risk families.

Read Nancy Spoolstra’s article When to Hold and When to Fold about her own families adoption disruptions and dissolutions. I have spoken to her a few times about AJ and how to handle family issues and she is insightful.

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption Disruptions/Dissolutions Increase

You may have read about a prominent Dutch diplomat and his wife who “returned” their Korean daughter, whom they adopted when she was four months old. They handed the girl over to social workers in Hong Kong saying the adoption had not worked out.

In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf, Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was “very sick,” and suffers from a “severe form of fear of emotional attachment.”

The child currently lives in a separate house, (the Hong Kong Foster system) and the entire family is in therapy.

“We tried intensive family therapy to find a cure. To our great disappointment, things didn’t get better, they got worse and the rest of the family began to suffer immensely from that,” he wrote in a letter signed by him and his wife, Meta.

“In mid-2006, on the advice of known medical specialists, professionals from the adoption organization ‘Mother’s Choice’ and the social services of Hong Kong, it was decided that in (her) interest she should be placed in a separate house and we would not be allowed to have any contact with her. The therapy for our family and our daughter continues to this day.”

I have heard of several children who have found new homes after they have been adopted from countries like Russia. I have mixed feelings about disruptions because I know that sometimes parents are doing the right thing for their children when they find the right home for them.

I have a friend who recently dissolved her relationship with her daughter, adopted from Russia two years ago. In my heart I know that it was the right choice for her, her family, and her daughter. Often, children have such special needs that can not be met in particular homes.

Is it not better to find the right home than to allow the child to suffer in the wrong one?

The mixed feelings come from parents like the Poeteray’s. Are they telling the truth when they say that their daughter was ill and unattached? Or is the an issue wherein the mother is unattached? Has a nanny cared for the child more than the mother? Did they adopt her to fill a void and not because they wanted a child? Did they ever really claim her as their child?

They seem to blame her for the dissolution but how much effort did they put into the relationship before they realized they were in trouble?

Post from: Blisstree

Disruption and Dissolution