I grew up with divorced parents who remarried and then divorced, then divorced again. My earliest memories are full of divorce, not marriage. I think that in some way that led me to think that nothing lasts forever. My grandparents were married. My Aunts and Uncles were married, but I was focused on my own family. Mom and dad got married and divorce.

Divorce is not necessarily on the rise and divorce rates are not necessarily higher than they’ve ever been. The report that I read mentions that changes in the population are not noted when divorce rates are mentioned. An example would be the time during the Depression, when people could not afford divorce, so instead of taking care of things legally men would just leave, they would abandon their families. Marriages would, in the true definition of the word, end but they would legally still exist.

A time that might show a high rate of divorce would be at the end of World War II, when men returned from war to brides they didn’t really now. 

Another interesting point…

Most divorce figures in the U.S. are estimates. Several states don’t count how many divorces they have – including California, which stopped counting its divorces years ago.
 
Contrary to popular belief, which focuses purely on the divorce rate, the fact is actually that the real growth in divorce seems to have finished – there’s been a slow decline and leveling off at the end of the Twentieth Century. Of course, divorces are still much higher than they were in decades past – but then, a wedding that doesn’t end in divorce will last decades longer than a wedding from the past, because we’re living so much longer.

You can read the rest of the report here. I know that divorce is not a happy subject, but it could be something that has been misrepresented or misunderstood and I find that very interesting.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Are Divorce Rates Really Higher Than Ever?

Led by Rebecca Kippen and Bruce Chapmanfrom The Australian National University and Peng Yu from Australia’s Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs, the team tracked nearly 2,500 married and cohabiting couples from 2001 to 2007 and identified which factors are most likely to sever relationships.

What are the reasons?

1. The husband is older than his wife by at least 9 years.
2. The man married too young. Marrying before 25 is considered too young.
3.  A marriage could be in trouble if there kids born before the marriage. It doesn’t matter if the children are from the current relationship or a previous one.
4. The wife wants kids and the husband does not.
5. Having parents who divorced or experienced martial separation.
6. Second or third marriages tend to break up.
7. If the husband is out of work the marriage is more likely to fail, but if the wife is out of work, it apparently does not affect the union.
8. If one of the partners smokes and the other does not. 

I’m divorced and I could claim to be affected by 2, 5, 7, and 8, but in reality, I think we broke up because of his drug use. I’m suprised that substance abuse is not on this list. What do you think about the list?  Do you think it’s accurate? 

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

The Reasons Couples Divorce?

My divorce wasn’t of interest to anyone not immediately involved with it. My family was happy. My husband and I were not. His family?  You’d have to ask them for their opinion – I no longer am in contact with any of them. Divorce is the most crazy-making thing I’ve ever survived.

This is my experience with divorce – you love someone and then one day they become a stranger. And not just a harmless stranger you’d pass on the street. No, they become dangerous and combative and then you become a little unhinged yourself and next thing you know you are fighting over stupid things like who gets the camera or the grill.

The Gosselins, their fights are worth a lot more money.

Kate says……..

In an increasingly heated gameof he-said-she-said, Jon Gosselin is blasting back at estranged wife Kate Gosselin and her claims that he violated an arbitrator’s orders by withdrawing $230,000 from a joint bank account from Aug. 10 to Sept. 29.

Jon says………

“I’ve never taken any money out because over 10 years, Kate handled all the banking,” he said. “Over the past four years of doing the show, we accrued $2,250,000. She says in the past week I took $230,000. I have withdrawn roughly $177,000 over the course of a year, which is less than 10 percent of what we made. That’s like my paycheck…She’s hiding money,” he said.

You could buy a lot of cameras and grills with funds like that. Here’s the part I don’t get about divorce – somehow you go from being two people who love and trust each other completely to two people who are enemies airing their dirty laundry to anyone and everyone who will listen. There has to be another way. Is it possible to have a good divorce? 

I’m going to do some research to see what I can find. If you’ve got some advice or some ideas that you’d like me to share, please leave them in the comments.

Image credit: Zuma Press

Post from: Blisstree

Jon & Kate Plus Divorce

Here are a few “slip ups,” that divorcing folk tend to fall into……

*Do not try to entice your ex back by being overly generous when divvying up your assests. I did not fall into this one myself, but I do remember my dad telling me that he signed over “everything” to my ex-stepmom one of the times that they divorced.

*Avoid showing off your new boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah, we know it’s a matter of pride as in, “Maybe you don’t want me, but someone else sure does,” but don’t do it. Better yet, give yourself some time before you jump into dating someone new. Your head is probably a mess and you will be doing yourself and any potential new friends a favor by waiting until you can concentrate on the future and leave the past where it belongs.

*Do not, I repeat, do not sleep with your ex. I suspect you will do it anyway, because everybody does. This is one issue that I have some experience with and it’s not an experience of the positive kind. It feels “safe,” but it’s a minefield. You need time and distance to get over a failed marriage. Getting naked together is nobody’s idea of distance.

*Your child is not a go-between. When I was a child I hated hearing this sentence, “Tell your father that his check is late.” Even as a little kid I knew it was inappropriate. I haven’t done everything right, but this is one thing that I never did – I never used my kids as a weapon.

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Avoid These Classic Divorce Mistakes

Prior to reconciling, I felt compelled to somehow work things out with him. After the birth of Sarah, I no longer felt that way. I think that she was our “unfinished business.”  Since 1998, I’ve never looked back and I am 100% content with the choices we made.

Growing up, my parents made the same sort of decisions. In fact, my dad has been married 6 times, but to only 3 women. Sometimes there’s something inside that makes you say, “Hey, lets give this another try.” It might be feelings of love or perhaps just the unwillingness to let go. It could also have something to do with family, children, or even a fear of being alone. 

In my experience, it doesn’t work out. The same problems somehow crop up in new ways. It sucks really. The idea of a second chance is very romantic, isn’t it?

I read today that Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn, famous try-it-againers, are again heading for divorce.

The actress filed papers in Marin County, CA, that state that “both parties have already agreed to [shared] custody” and “the estranged couple have already agreed to division of all property,” PEOPLE reports.

The long-married Penns gave their marriage not two, but three chances. They originally filed for divorce in 2007, only to retract the action and reconcile a few months later. In 2008, Sean Penn filed a legal separation that only lasted 1 month.

Have you ever given a relationship multiple chances?  How did it work out for you? 

Image credit: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Sometimes There’s Unfinished Business

Originally published in the 80s, the subject matter is still relevant today. It’s a novel that tells the story of a couple of divorced women with children – Margo and B.B.- in their 40s. As a divorced woman of 42, I could really relate.

I spent much of my adult life single in an attempt to protect both myself and my kids. I grew up with a divorced mom and although she did her best, some of the men who came through our lives weren’t great. I wanted to avoid doing that to my own kids. My intentions were good, but by isolating us, I believe I sent my daughters the wrong message. I have spent the past couple of years trying to share a more balanced view of single parents and dating. Sometimes the results were positive, sometimes not so much.

The women in the book handle things a little differently than I would, but we are all looking for the same thing – love, a partner, companionship. I really enjoyed the book, read it in a night and a half because I’ve got to give it back to Robin when she comes through town again tomorrow, but I did find the beginning a bit unbelievable. So, if you try the book and you find yourself saying, “What is this woman thinking?” please keep going, it does get much, much better. I recommend it to anybody, not just midlife single moms.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

Smart Women: Single Moms In Love

The Gosselin Family - TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 vacation in Hawaii. Photo courtesy of TLC

introducing the girlfriend/boyfriend to the family? Keep in mind that it sounds like Jon and Kate split up long before they announced it and he’s been seeing this “new woman” for a while.

Jon Gosselin was spotted taking a vacation down in France with his girlfriend, Hailey Glassman.  Course now that they are back rumors are spinning every which way from she’s only dating him in order to get her clothes listed to she just wants his money.  The big question is could it be true?  Or the bigger question, is he going through a mid-life crisis?

We all loved him or felt bad for him while the episodes of “Jon & Kate plus 8″ aired, however now many are taking Kate’s side. The man that once let a woman walk all over him is now showing off a younger model while his wife is home taking care of the kids.  Since it is obvious there won’t be a happily ever after between these two I have two questions for you. When is it okay for him to date and when is it okay for him to introduce the girlfriend to the children?

Some believe the following:

-  introduce the girlfriend immediately (AKKKK, you’ve been cheating on mom all along)
-  wait until you know you are madly in love with her  (How long is this?)
-  your child spotted the two of you together so better do it now (you have been lieing and are only telling cause you were caught)
-  after you’ve popped the question (leaves them hurt and feeling left out)
-  experts have said wait 6 months (gives them time to adjust)

To read a bit more on this read this man’s experience on dating and introducing his son to his girlfriend after a divorce.  Keep in mind you want your child to love you and never feel betrayed or abandoned. I just hope Jon has some very trusted council with him and telling him how to help the transition with his kids and any future partners he comes across. What would you suggest?

Post from: Blisstree

Jon Gosselin: Introducing the Girlfriend

Recently, Date.com, Matchmaker.com, and Amor.com, teamed up to poll their members to see who would be willing to give marriage a second chance after a divorce.

Check out the results, when asked if they would remarry after a divorce:

Men

Yes 65.4%
No 23.1%
Only if adoption of children are involved 7.7%
Only if the couple is younger than 55 3.8%

Women

No 40.6%
Yes 28.1%
Only if the couple is younger than 55 18.8%
Only if adoption of children are involved 15.6%

There’s definitely a disparity between the sexes! One that, quite honestly, I didn’t see coming! What do you all think about these results?

Image: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Men are More Likely to Remarry

Now, it appears as if they are halting the proceedings. I imagine that these are not easy times for the Penns. I can’t help but respect their desire to work it out, to not let go of their marriage.

I’m divorced. I can remember just wanting to be free of my husband. I felt that he was tearing me down, tearing our family down, because he was, but later I would rethink it, wouldn’t want to be alone or couldn’t imagine another man loving my children as well as their father could. Looking back, 17 years later, I am definitely happy to be well quit of that man. He’s still tearing down the people who love him, but I’m not ashamed of my wish to fix my family back then. Waiting to give up, it was no mistake.

Marriage is such a personal thing – only the married partners really know what is going on. When I get married again, I do not want another divorce. I’m not walking away from this next one. I’m going to dig in and get help where I need it.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

The Penns Are Back On

IMG: Mark Arbeit / TLC

The first two seasons were great, but I think the “reality” part of it started getting in the way. Cameras were constantly around, Kate is a control freak, Jon is too laid back, the couple would soon have their entire lives on camera. Many believed this couple would make it after their renewel wedding vows in Hawaii but it only seem to pull them apart more. Rumors are swirling that the couple are both seeing other people, or one is and the other isn’t, etc, the rumors continue. But here’s a thought that some are thinking but others are not.

What about the children in this reality show? Sure we see their cute little faces every week, but that doesn’t really tell us how they are doing. The press is constantly there, asking them questions and now they can possibly see the rumors going around about their parents, I mean they do go shopping. Have the kids seen it? Can they see the stress between their parents? Do children at school ask them questions about it? What do they know? How does reality tv hurt the children and how much will a divorce hurt them?

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Does Reality TV Families Split up Families?