In my family’s case, in 2005 our lives were changed forever when a pregnant woman went to our adoption agency and chose our profile from a pile of others. She and her partner, like my husband and me, were open to the idea of open adoption. She and her partner, like my husband and me, wanted to meet the other party involved before committing any further. In July, just two weeks before our daughter’s birth, we met for the first time.

After that first meeting, we agreed to moving forward with an open adoption, meaning that we would exchange identifying information, and that the adoption records would be, in essence, open. It meant that we could, when we were ready, exchange emails and phone numbers, and proceed with communication without the aid of our adoption agency.

The first few months after our daughter’s birth, we exchanged emails. We arranged for our first meeting since the day we took Megan home from the hospital via email, and met at the agency over the Christmas season. From there, Jane (not her real name) and I began calling more on the phone rather than email, and we began meeting at fun places, like the park, so that the children (she has an older son) could play. As we chatted more frequently, I got to see more of what was going on in her life. I could tell that I was becoming her sounding board for an array of things, from problems at work to dating dilemmas. In all honesty, the topic of adoption doesn’t often come up. Or it didn’t really come up, until last November when she called, telling us that she was expecting a child, in the summer of 2008.

During this pregnancy, we spoke even more often on the phone , and began text messaging as well. As is the case with many women who place children for adoption, Jane didn’t have much of a support network through this most recent pregnancy. I did a lot of listening over those nine months. She didn’t ask often for advice, and I didn’t offer any unsolicited. While my husband and I had talked about how we could plan in case she did chose adoption for this baby, I kept those thoughts to myself. She asked us in March if we would, in fact, adopt this new baby, and we were able to say yes. Would she have considered adoption for Andrew if we hadn’t developed a relationship? If she couldn’t call me directly and ask me? If she didn’t know she could find out how we were doing? I have no idea.

Since Andrew’s placement in June 2008, she’s made choices that makes visiting with the children inappropriate. We have had difficult conversations these past few months, mostly involving boundaries and healthy life choices. Through it all, she’s kept us posted where she is staying and how to reach her. She asks how the children are, and we talk about their older brother.

It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. It’s worth it for the tidbits that I learn through our conversations–the foods she craved while pregnant, the age she was when she got glasses, similarities between her older son and our children. It’s worth it when I get the phone call on election night last week, telling me that she voted for the very first time.

It is worth it because Megan and Andrew will know about their birthmother. They will know what she looks like, why she placed them for adoption, what her favorite things are. It is my intention to continue working on this relationship with Jane, so that they will be able to ask her any questions they may have surrounding their placement and/or background. It is worth it because I know so much more than I would if we weren’t in frequent contact. Details that may or may not matter to the children as they grow, but details I am glad that I know.

It is worth it because I am a mother to two incredible children, children who would not be with me if it were not for Jane. The least I can do is to make sure my children know who she is.

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Guest Post: Worth it All

I could subtitle this: I Have Screwed Up and Now I Must Fix It

Today Madison had ballet class. She was so excited. The night before she danced around and clapped her hands saying, “Tomorrow is ballet!” She picked out her ballet shirt and her tutu and asked me to fix her hair just like her ballet teacher’s. (Pulled into a simply ponytail.) She said, “I’m sure I’m going to do it all by myself this time! Again and again!” She skipped across the parking lot, calling “hi!” to one of the other ballet girls on the way. She skipped into the center, stopping to say hello to the woman who staffs the front desk. She greeted her teacher with an excited, “My hair is like yours!” And then skipped into the room to say hello to the other girls. She introduced herself to one (another Maddie) and to another whose name begins with E. She much admires E.

E. was sliding around in her tights, slipping across the floor and falling in her mother’s arms. One of the other girls was trying to slip, too, only she had bare feet so they were sticking to the floor. E’s mother said, “I think that you won’t be able to slip in bare skin. Bare skin can be kind of sticky and sweaty and it’s not very slippery.” Madison — standing to the side and watching — said, “I have brown skin.”

“I know you do,” said E’s mom. “It’s so beautiful, too.”

Oh — did I mention everyone in the class is white? Except Madison? Well, they are.

Madison came running across the room and buried her head in my chest.

“I don’t want to do ballet,” she mumbled into my shirt.

She cried 3/4 of the way through the class. I stood next to her and held her hand and at one point took her out of the room because she was so beside herself. I finally — with the excellent teacher’s help — got her to skip across the room in the path of the other girls. I was standing back to the side watching her tremulous smile as she twirled her way and I started to cry. Because when I took her out of the room she said, “I have brown skin and it’s not sticky.” And I said, “Madison, all skin acts the same way whatever color it is. It is all the same. Your skin is just like mine except that we have different colors.” And she said, “But you’re still my mommy.”

When we got home and were sitting down eating lunch I said, “You know, Madison, I know that you are the only person in that ballet class with brown skin. I think that must get tiring to feel different so I think we need to find another dance class where there are other children with brown skin.”

“Oh yes,” she said. “I want a class where it is ALL children with brown skin.”

“I think one reason ballet class was feeling hard today is that you were feeling uncomfortable after you talked to that mommy about sticky skin. I think you were feeling different.”

“Brown skin is not sticky,” she affirmed.

“All skin gets sticky,” I told her. “Because all skin acts the same way whatever color it is. When your feet get sweaty they stick on the floor and you can’t slide around. But still, it must be tiring to be the only kid with brown skin all the time.”

She agreed that this was so and I promised her that I would find her a class where there would be lots of brown skinned girls.

I slacked off. We had our affirmative action babysitter program but then we didn’t need our babysitter’s services anymore. Than we found the preschool where there was a black teacher and brown skinned kids were in the majority but she didn’t like to be there. And so I took the easy way out because we were already running Noah around so heck, why not just sign her up there at the same rec center figuring, hey, there are some black kids here and there (most — if not all — of ‘em with white moms). No big deal. Well, clearly big deal. There are two other more diverse rec centers within close driving distance and I was just too lazy to look up the classes there. Yeah, it’s all understandable but my kid is the one who has to pay for it.

I just wish that these lessons I need to learn didn’t come at my kid’s expense.in national publications including Yoga Journal, Disney’s Family.com, Utne, Wondertime, Brain Child and Salon. Currently I am working on a book about my daughter’s adoption and seeking representation for the proposal. I also own Open Book Strategies with my husband.

Post from: Blisstree

Guest Post: Good Intentions

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Gotcha Baby Introduces…

Is this adoptive couple out of bounds or are they within their right to approach women in this manner?

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Is this Adoptive Couple Out of Bounds?

So, get out your address books and put that card in the mail and make sure to mark your calendar to call her on SATURDAY, NOT SUNDAY because every (and I mean every) Birth Mother needs to be recognized just as every other mom is (and it’s not just about flowers, either)!

Although May 10th is Birth Mother’s Day an adoptive family should honor their child’s Birth Mother’s role in their family every day. Families must keep in mind that she is ALWAYS part of their family. Yes, I know that sometimes circumstances prevent this from being the case but it seems that more often than not these days, Open Adoption is becoming more joyous and comfortable.

Need some meaningful ideas for your child’s Birth Mother?

Birth Mother Cards

Five Gift Ideas

Top Ten Gift Ideas

Recognizing Birth-Mothers

Do you recognize your child’s Birth Mother? How do you do it? When?

Post from: Blisstree

May 10th is Birth-Mother’s Day, Do You Have A Gift Yet?

We were only able to (comfortably) recommend Adoption Associates in Michigan because it is the only agency that we have really good experience with that facilitates domestic adoption.

I know that many of you are currently in the process of completely domestic adoption (right?) and would love to know what agencies you are using so that I can compile a list.

If you wish to remain anonymous please do so or email my privately.

Post from: Blisstree

Best Domestic Adoption Agencies

Here are the fundamentals of the adoption tax credit .

What is the Adoption Tax Credit?

More legal detail…

Specific numbers (like income phase out numbers and the exact adoption credit per year)

How to carry forward the credit to next year if you don’t qualify for the full return this year.

How to get an Adoption Tax Identification Number in case your child does not yet have a SSN (international adoption).

Form 8839 for Qualified Adoption Expenses…Most of us have no problem with this if we adopt internationally because the agency fees add up to more than the total returned.

Stay tuned for more…

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption Tax Credit

General

Anti-Racist Parent

A Birth Project

Adoptive Parents

Domestic

Production, not reproduction

Plain Jane Mom Letters to a Birthmother

Gotcha Baby

Baggage and Bug

Fostering Pride

Overwhelmed with Joy

This Woman’s Work

The Other Mother

Mayhem and Magic

Peter’s Cross Station

International

My Two Boys

Salsa in China

Jesus was Not a Republican

Two Different Loves

It Only Takes One Step

Pundit Mom

A New Flower Blooms

Artificially Sweetened

Alison and Jim’s Adoption Journey

Come Undone

Now What?

Just Enjoy Him

Third Mom

American Family

Hearts Wide Open

Uterine Wars

Fling Poo

First Parents

Not Mother

Writing My Wrongs

Magic Pointe Shoes

Wet Feet

Reunion Writings

Chronicles of Munchkinland

I should really be working

Paragraphein

Adoptees

Harlow’s Monkey

Ethnically Incorrect Daughter

3 Generations of Adoption

Adoption and its Triad

Land of the Nos-So-Calm

Ungrateful Little Bastard

Heart, Mind, and Seoul

Bastard in a Handbasket

Adopt This

Twinkle Little Star

Infertility

A Little Pregnant

So Close

Stirrup Queens

And I Wasted All that Birth Control

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The Best of the Best: Top 50 Adoption Blogs

A few months ago we had an adoption medical specialist (or so she said) tell a group of pre-adoptive and adoptive parents that sleep issues work themselves out within a matter of a few weeks.

Bull Shit.

Oops, am I allowed to say that?

Studies indicate that 30 percent of all children have sleep problems. And anecdotal evidence suggests that sleep disturbances are more prevalent in adopted children than biological children, according to Todd Ochs, M.D., a clinical instructor of pediatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

There are hundreds of factors that weigh in to sleep issues in adopted children and my son had, UGH, most of them. Unfortunately, he still has many of the issues so we have had to resort to medication to allow him to sleep more than an hour at a time (and to get more than 5 hours a night, which, of course, a 4 year old needs).

Reasons for Sleep Issues:

Jet Lag

No established routine as an infant or toddler

Neurological disorders: Finally, children with histories of prematurity, prenatal substance exposures, lack of early responsive, regulating caregiving, and stressful/traumatic experiences can literally be wired differently, with real neurological differences in sensory processing and self-regulation.

Sensory Integration Dysfunction: New adoptees are usually so overstimulated (we call it “Disneyland syndrome”) that they may blow right through sleepy time into an adrenaline-addled second or third wind.

Separation Anxiety from their previous caregiver and also from new caregivers if sleeping in a different room: Children experiencing parental love and attention for the first time are understandably reluctant to give it up because someone says it’s “bedtime”. The early stages of a new attachment have an insecure, “velcro” quality, so it’s normal for new adoptees to be anxious and insecure around bedtime.

Medical problems such as hypoglycemia, H Pylori, parasites, allergies, sleep apnea, etc.

Depression and grief: Your child’s grief at the loss of familiar caregivers may erupt at night, and when you come to console them they may be expecting someone else.

Co-sleeping with foster parents or neglect from caregivers

Post Traumatic Stress and/or abuse: The older a child gets, the more cognitive she becomes, and the more able to store experiences and memories in her brain. The degree of stress, even trauma, that adoption can bring depends on memories of her past experience (whether in an institution or not, whether well-cared-for or abused in some way) combined with the comprehension of her adoption experience (gradual or abrupt, amount of transition preparation, whether or not brought into a new culture with a new language). A child’s reaction to such stress or trauma may be controlled by day, but released when she feels more vulnerable, as at night. Hence, the sleep problems so many adopted children experience.

New diet (sounds silly, right?)

Bed Wetting

Night Terrors and Nightmares: Night terrors happen in the first 1-3 hours of sleep and children do not wake during them. It’s a good thing too because some of them can be very violent. We often found AJ thrashing, screaming, hitting himself, and in a heightened state of absolute terror. However, it is said that it is the body’s way of regulating arousal and “decompressing” from the day’s sensory overload and/or stress.

Stress: A child’s reaction to such stress or trauma may be controlled by day, but released when she feels more vulnerable, as at night. Hence, the sleep problems so many adopted children experience.

Post from: Blisstree

Sleep is Overrated: Sleep Problems in Adopted Children

Application Fee: All agencies require an application fee to begin processing your application. Range $100-$500

Certified Marriage and Birth Certificates: $25-100

Criminal Record Check: $10-100

Notarization of documents: up to $150

A home study needs to be completed for all prospective parents no matter where the parents chose to adopt from. Home studies typically range from $1,000 to $3,000.

Physical and Psychological Evaluation: Both Domestic (Foster Care licensing) and Intercountry Adoptions require at least a physical evaluation of both parents and all children in the home. USCIS may also require a Psychological Evaluation for Intercountry (ie: Russia, China, Guatemala). Range: dependent upon insurance. $100-$2000

Advertising: Prospective families can advertise online at places like Parent Profiles for about $100 per month.

Domestic Placement Fee: This is the placement fee for the child…the processing fee for matching the birth mother (first mother) with the prospective family. This fee covers costs like social working, paper work, legal expenses, salaries, etc. This fee ranges anywhere from $10,000 to 25,000.

Post Placement Reports: $300-1,500

According to Adoption.com Domestic Adoptions can cost anywhere from $5,000 to $40,000. Why does adoption cost so much in the US?

Post from: Blisstree

Adoption Costs: Domestic