I just read the most amazing advice from the fabulous Dr. Phil about “How to Fight Fair.”  I strongly advise every couple to read these tips and discuss them together so you can use fights to solve problems in your relationship instead of making problems worse.  Here is my advice for how to fight, inspired by the Dr. Phil article:

• Keep it private. Don’t fight in public or in front of family and friends (especially your children).  It is unnecessary and makes other feel uncomfortable.  You also don’t need to hear advice or judgments about your fights from others…it will be easier to resolve if you keep it private.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old issues that you already resolved or situations that occurred a long time ago.  Discuss what is happening now and move on from the past.  When you are angry it is definitely tempting to throw everything out there that has ever angered you in the relationship, but that will only make the situation regress.

• Don’t be mean. Hurtful comments can linger for a long time.  Don’t let yourself get so angry that you resort to attacking the other person with hurtful and mean words.  Be mature and reasonable and don’t let your emotions so quickly that they get out of hand.

• Remain task-oriented. If you don’t know what the point of your argument is, then you don’t need to be fighting.  Don’t start a fight unless you know what your goal is.  Remember what you want to accomplish and stick to it instead of letting other issues get in the way.

• Accept and respect apologies. Don’t get so caught up in the argument that you don’t listen when your partner gives in or apologizes.  You don’t need to keep hammering away at the same issue if you have reached a resolution.  Be thankful and respectful for their apology because we all know that it’s difficult to admit that we’re wrong or that we need to change.  The important thing to remember is that your purpose is to resolve an issue, so stop when you have achieved this.

• Be proportional with your intensity. Don’t blow the situation out of proportion just because the argument elevates.  Remember the issue that you are discussing and treat it accordingly.  If a small issue is “the straw that broke the camel’s back” then you need to explain the bigger issue so your boyfriend isn’t caught completely off-guard by a blowout over a small disagreement.

• Be in touch with the other person’s emotions. Don’t get so caught up in arguing that you don’t realize when your partner is getting hurt by your words.  The issue could be extremely difficult for them to discuss and you need to remember that the argument involves their emotions as well as yours.  Sometimes you get so caught up in defending your situation and proving your point that you forget that the person who you love on the opposite side of the argument could be getting their feelings significantly damaged.

Reference: Relationships/Sex: “How To Fight Fair” on DrPhil.com

Image: Ed Yourdon on Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

How To Fight With Your Partner

I just read a great article from Dr. Phil with advice about maintaining a successful relationship:

• Have a solid friendship.
• Meet each other’s needs.
• Set specific goals.
• Get back to basics.
• Take responsibility.
• Turn the negatives into a to-do list.

While all of these pieces of advice are important, I think that “Have a solid friendship” is truly the most helpful.  It is so important to have a great friendship with your life partner that goes beyond sexual attraction or other initial reasons for a relationship.  A best friend will bring you laughter and support when you need it, and that is something that you want from your partner as well.  The most successful relationships that I have seen in my life have been couples that enjoy life together and treat each other like best friends.  The reality of marriage is that as you grow old together you you might lose some of the passion that once existed, so it is important to know that you enjoy each other’s company and know that you can rely on each for everything.

Rebuilding a flawed relationship is a great challenge, but I think Dr. Phil’s points are insightful and offer a great place to start.  It is possible to heal problems and find a way to grow close again so that you can happily grow old together.  You can read his entire article at Dr. Phil – Maintaining a Successful Relationship.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How To Rebuild a Flawed Relationship

Etiquette is not something that should rule your life…Remember Countess Luann De Lesseps from Real Housewives of New York?  Now she took it too far.  But I do believe that there is a place for etiquette in relationships and you just need to find where that is.

Again, I strongly believe that etiquette lends its support when you find yourself in awkward situations.  Here are Dr. Phil’s Seven Keys to Dating Etiquette:

1.  Dress the part. Don’t dress too sexy.

2.  Be on time or your date might wonder, “What was more important than getting here on time?”

3.  Mind your table manners — and if you don’t have any, get some!

4.  Focus 100 percent on your date. Turn off your cell phone and other messaging devices.

5.  Check your emotional baggage at the door. Don’t go burdening your date with all of your problems.

6.  Sweat the small stuff. Listen to what your prospective mate has to say.

7.  Follow up. Do something that let’s your date know, “Hey, that was a lot of fun.”

Post from: Blisstree

Dating Etiquette Tips from Dr. Phil

Hi fabulous people! I’m just coming off my spiritual high after being at a 3 day retreat, The Emmaus Walk. This non-denominational interactive experience was just what my soul needed. Absolutely no hellfire and damnation and total grace, love and joy. Bible recap: There were two men who were walking 7 miles or so to the town of Emmaus and talking about the very recent crucifixion of Jesus. Stranger comes and walks and talks with them about what had happened and interprets Jesus words. They invite the stranger to stay and then realize that the stranger actually is Jesus, right before he disappears. Obviously, my recap holds nothing to the King James Version, which can be found in Luke 24:13.

I can’t recommend this retreat enough. Not only did my husband’s experience transform our marriage, but I am feeling super-connected to the soul of the world with a faith that I can impact it in a positive way. And the intention to do so. Who wouldn’t want that?

I have been on other retreats and I seriously and with all genuine concern recommend that you schedule one immediately – as if your life depended on it. Really, here are some obvious reasons why a retreat is a wonderful experience.

Not one time did I have to think up something for dinner and wonder if we had all the ingredients? Nor did I have to change anyone’s diaper, get anyone a snack, clean a single thing, think about my work, think about my friends or husband or kids or anyone else who might be depending on my doing something. I didn’t have to remember any appointments or obligations. I didn’t even have a watch so I didn’t have to worry being anywhere at any particular time. I don’t know what time they woke us up or what time they sent us off to bed. Didn’t care. I didn’t have to worry about what I looked like. I didn’t have to worry about my hair or makeup or outfit – all casual all the time.

When was the last time that you have savored a total lack of responsibility? Perhaps you never have, in which case I must say – it is TIME.

Another great reason is what I’ll coin Commando Study. I’m a fan of what I’ve heard Dr. Phil call commando parenting, but what I originally learned from The Baby Whisperer. It’s where you put all of your focus on the issue at hand for say 3 days. You try to clear your schedule or put a lot of focus on say weaning the baby from his bottle of milk to prevent him from continuing to be a milk tyrant (my current commando parenting task). Spend 3 days of temper tantrums while offering only a sippy cup and refusing to give into demands for a bottle. Commando parenting totally sucks for 3 days – but then the struggle is over and you don’t ever have to deal with the issue again.

For instance, you might be having marital trouble and one thing you might do is go to a therapist. This might be effective. Every week you go in and try to work out what is going on and how you might be able to fix it. This approach will likely take months and months just to find out what is really going on in your relationship dynamic. It’s a long and painful process and seems to never end. Meanwhile you have to keep living together and struggling, (Well, maybe you’ve had better and quicker results than I have, but I’ve found this to be the case for therapists we have sought help with.) You might read a bunch of marriage books together about how different you are and how to overcome that.

An alternative to that long process would be commando marital intervention like the retreat offered by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis called Spiritual Partnership for Couples. I’ve not been to this 5-day retreat, but God-forbid we ever need it again, this is the first stop. It’s just better sometimes to get out of your comfort zone and climb right into the feelings, painful or not, and DEAL with them quickly and efficiently. And a 5-day retreat in which to focus on your marriage or spiritual partnership can’t be a bad thing. I think it would be great to get out of town and spend 5-days – all day and night – intensively talking about your most significant relationship.

I’ve gone on writing retreats as well and have found them to be wonderful. One of the greatest parts of a retreat is that there is no box they’ve prepared for you. You know, the convenient box people put you in and keep declaring this is who you are. Whether its mom or employee or the loud one or the shy one – there’s a million boxes and they are all probably just as confining for the person in them.

But, when you go to a retreat no one has any expectations of who you should be. You can go and completely reinvent someone new and they wouldn’t know the difference. Or you can go and be your authentic self and might find it interesting how the others interpret your authentic self differently than those you see everyday. Sometimes the people who love us the most expect us to keep being the same and don’t take our transitions, evolutions and growth very well. It’s great for us to go be that new self with people who didn’t know us when we had this job or that, used to party too hard, or just expect us to be a specific way.

I’m always a little bit surprised that people like who I authentically am as much as they do. When I’m on a retreat people tell me they enjoyed my company and I’m friendly and fun – sadly, I’m always a little bit surprised because I don’t hear that very often when I am at home trying to be my authentic self.

I’d love to go on a yoga retreat. I have been practicing yoga at my gym 3 days a week for about 9 months. I love it. I feel so much stronger than when I started. I always feel so powerful and empowered when I do it. Best of all I think it’s so spiritual, I feel my mind get some rest as it connects with God and the spiritual soul of the world and I really feel relaxed and connected during my yoga classes. I would love to go on a 3 day retreat and just really master a lot of poses and get really in that meditative zone and see where God might take me. I usually get a lot of inspiration for writing while I am in my yoga class, who knows I might walk away with the inspiration for the Great American Novel after a 3 day yoga class.

Whatever your interest, I strongly recommend a retreat of some sort. You deserve it!  

Post from: Blisstree

Walk to Emmaus

Someone once told me that I seem to attract the down-trodden, the emotionally askew, and the slightly psychologically un-hinged.

I’m not sure how true that is, but I have had acquaintances with a fair number of folks who could have used an afternoon with Dr. Phil.

Such is the case of with the young woman who walks my dog a couple of times a week. She’s been taking care of him for several years…and she describes him as her son.

She’s married, has a homelife of her own which she needs to attend to, yet she’d rather to be at our house, then at hers…she’s even stayed overnight with the dog when my husband and I have gone away.

And I know she’s used our dog as the excuse to not be with her husband…they have issues. You can just hear their discussion…can’t go to the beach with you, I haaave to watch The Dog. They need me to watch The Dog.

Part of the problem is that because of a horrible accident, she has back problems and can’t really work…so the dog-walking money — albeit a teeny amount — helps at least with her groceries (although I suspect it’s used for beer.)

Anyway, she’s a sad and lost little soul who I feel I need to comfort and help somehow. Is that wrong? Am I an enabler in some way, by allowing her to use my dog and my life as a crutch, rather than encouraging her to get her own life in order?

Wait until my hubby hears that she would like to spend even more time at our house, cleaning it!

Post from: Blisstree

The Dog Walker Who Needs A Lead.

But I became side-tracked. As I was searching on-line for some references, I came across this Newsweek review of three new high-schoolish book titles of which the focus is how undermining, sneaky and downright mean women are to each other at work. (And maybe just in general) — how we’re supposed to navigate through this stuff and look great doing it! These books are really just $16.00 blogs.

Reading the article just made me want to take a big ‘ol nap.

My feeling is — if someone in HR were to calculate all of the working hours lost as a result of the time spent on this crap at work, there would be such shock and horror over the complete waste of resources, that whole employee manuals would be re-written and heads would roll.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be aware of the politics of women at work; I’m saying we wast too much energy taking it all so seriously.

Everyone get back to work!

And I’m sure glad I work for me…if I want to compete with myself, well that’s between me and Dr. Phil

Post from: Blisstree

Shoes and Rules About Success.