I honestly believed that the idea that someone could be dating more than one person at the same time was something that only happened in movies or to extremely naive people.  But unfortunately I am finding out that it is becoming more and more common!  It’s one thing to have a mistress who is fully aware of her status, but it is quite another to convince each woman that they are in an exclusive relationship.  Married men are taking their rings off when they go out to bars and guys with serious girlfriends are starting new relationships on the side.

It might sound like a lot of work for someone to maintain more than one “exclusive” relationship, but I think the frequency in occurrence relates back to ideas of polygamy and a male desire for multiple women.  A male with low self-confidence gets a great boost from new interest from a woman.  Although they want what is new, they are also unwilling to give up the boost coming from the serious relationship they already have.  So the obvious solution is…why not continue both? I doubt that they fully think this scenario through to imagine how it will all be resolved, but I’m pretty sure the dream scenario involves something like two women fighting over one man.

It’s all quite crazy, but I just wanted to bring up the issue to draw attention to the fact that it is happening more and more.  Intelligent women who have had perfectly respectable boyfriends and serious relationships have ended up falling for these lies and getting into a hurtful and sticky situation.

Don’t be overly cautious or snoopy, but do trust your intuition and use your eyes and ears to catch any oddities that could tip you off.

Image: istock

Post from: Blisstree

Is He Cheating…With You?

From “The Language of the Heart,” page 263;

“There are, nevertheless, certain occasions where reckless truth-telling may create widespread havoc and permanent damage to others. Whenever this seems possible, we are likely to find ourselves in a bad jam indeed. We shall be torn between two temptations. When conscience agonizes us enough, we may well cast all prudence and love to the winds. We may try to buy our freedom by telling the brutal truth, no matter who gets hurt or how much. But this is not the usual temptation. It is far more probable that we shall veer to the other extreme. We will paint for ourselves a most unrealistic picture of the awful damage we are about to inflict on others. By claiming great compassion and love for our supposed victims, we are getting set to tell the Big Lie – and be thoroughly comfortable about it, too.

When life presents us with a racking conflict like this, we cannot be altogether blamed if we are confused. In fact our very first responsibility is to admit that we are confused. We may have to confess that, for the time being, we have lost all ability to tell right from wrong. Most difficult, too, will be the admission that we cannot be certain of receiving God’s guidance because our prayers are so cluttered with wishful thinking. Surely this is the point at which we must seek the counsel of our finest friends. There is nowhere else to go.”

We don’t see the damage we are about to do because we are wrapped up in ourselves and delusional. That’s why we need the counsel of others before we act.

Notice the challenge of not distinguishing right from wrong?

Post from: Blisstree

Prayers Cluttered With Wishful Thinking

My first thought relating to how pride aims at the destruction of others comes from the term “character assassination.”

Suppose for a moment that you’ve worked on a project for your company for months finally arriving at what you believe in your heart is a magnificent piece of work.

Your co-worker has also worked on a similar project and has the same feelings about his/hers.

The boss chooses their project for the honors. And you begin a campaign of character assassination maligning anything good about your fellow worker, raising doubt about anything they’ve ever accomplished. You tell everybody willing to listen how your co-worker is nothing more than a dirty so-and-so, a cheat, a philanderer, a thief and on and on…

That is pride aimed at the destruction of another, imho. Alcoholics are quite talented at this sad mental twist.

Post from: Blisstree

Pride Aimed At Destruction Of Others

“For thousands of years we have been demanding more than our share of security, prestige, and romance. When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted.

In all these strivings, so many of them well-intentioned, our crippling handicap had been our lack of humility. We had lacked the perspective to see that character-building and spiritual values had to come first, and that material satisfactions were not the purpose of living.”

The person in our literature who was allowed to respond to this says;

“I understood my shortcomings: I constantly put tasks off; I angered easily; I felt too much self-pity; and I thought, why me? Then I remembered, ‘Pride goeth before the fall,’ and I eliminated pride from my life.”

To those who perpetrate injustice upon me and other human beings, know this and hear it loud and clear! There is a God! And you aren’t it! That God brings all things full circle and what you have wrought upon others will be, in turn, wrought upon you. May He show you mercy in your suffering…

And to all my friends in recovery please know and understand that injustices brought upon us need not be used as excuses to kill ourselves by whatever addiction we might have! If God is for us, who can be against us? No one…

Post from: Blisstree

When We Were Frustrated, Even In Part, We Drank For Oblivion

****************************************

I’m paying attention. To Mary Christine. To dAAve. To a host of others. And I have to re-tell this story. A story I had the absolute pleasure of repeating to an “oldtimer” sitting on his time at a meeting here a few years back.

Many AA groups on Long Island have group anniversaries each year where they combine an eating meeting, a speaker and a dance afterwards. Really festive occasions.

A number of years ago, quite ordinarily as it had become, we began to hear the announcement, as usual, about this particular anniversary meeting and dance being held that month in our area. Not unusually, we were informed of the speaker and the speakers’ sobriety time. In this case the person coming to speak had 37 years sober. Heck, that impresses me!

It felt almost like a slow drumroll as the date closed in and I developed some excited anticipation as did many others. We arrived at the meeting place, did the usual hello’s, saw friends from other groups we hadn’t seen in a while, chit-chatted, and finally ate a fine meal furnished by many volunteers. Eventually the time came when we were asked to find our seats for the meeting and it began. First the readings, the obligatory stories about the group and its history, the announcements about coming events in the area then lastly, the introduction of tonight’s speaker. As I recall it wasn’t too long-winded. Just basically “so and so” from “their home town” who has graciously accepted the invitation to share their 37 years of experience, strength and hope with us this evening. Cool…

A well dressed lady approached the podium. I don’t think I was alone sensing something, something wrong. I’d seen a fair number of speakers approach the podium by now and this just wasn’t right. The suspense did not last long. Once she arrived at the mic, she stated her name like we do and then said something along the lines of “thank you all for inviting me to speak but I’m not sure you’ll want me to stay up here when you hear my first statement.” The feeling began to clear.

Next she offered what amounted to an admission and an apology, saying she knew we expected to hear someone with 37 years sobriety tonight but that she was no longer that person because as of that day she then had 114 days. Wow…

I guess I might say that I’m thankful everyone was too stunned to react poorly because what happened then is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery. She proceeded to ask permission, receiving it without sound, to tell us exactly how this came about. And then she explained in detail how she worked the program backwards, beginning with cutting back on meetings.

Mary Christine tells us about a man who slowly stopped going to meetings and what he thought as the process grew worse in his head. This sounds soooo similar to what we heard that night years ago and I’ve not forgotten it. I’m not very good at telling jokes, perhaps dAAve has this one in his arsenal – about the alkie who got a flat on a lonely country road, had no jack, saw a farm house a quarter mile away, walked towards the farm house and went through so many negative thoughts that by the time he got to the front door to ask for help with his flat tire he instead cussed the farmer out and told him to keep his f**ing jack!

That ladies’ story about how she worked herself, thought herself, right out of recovery into her next drink is a story I never want to forget. I can’t retell it in its entirety simply because you’d have had to have been there to truly understand. Myself and about 250 others were there.

The deal is to never, ever rest on our laurels because alcohol is a subtle foe! No matter how much sober time I may have I am only one stinking thought (f it) away from that next drink. For me, what has become of paramount importance, is to maintain a conscious contact with the God I understand (the one who loves me unconditionally) and tell that God each and every day that I am thankful for the gift of sobriety and I will do what I can to pass it on. I will continue to make meetings, no matter what. BTW – for those of you who don’t know (and without an explanation except for – this is about to change, thankfully) I make 3-5 meetings a week and haven’t had a drivers license for almost 8 years. Please, don’t go anywhere near telling me or anyone similar to me that you are having trouble making it to meetings. That is just a lame excuse!

I have no idea what has happened to that lady but I certainly owe her a debt of gratitude (and that group for letting her talk) for what she said that night. You never know where what you need will come from…

Post from: Blisstree

37 Years – 114 Days

From The Language of the Heart: Bill W’s Grapevine Writings, page 263;

“There are, nevertheless, certain occasions where reckless truth-telling may create widespread havoc and permanent damage to others. Whenever this seems possible, we are likely to find ourselves in a bad jam indeed. We shall be torn between two temptations. When conscience agonizes us enough, we may well cast all prudence and love to the winds. We may try to buy our freedom by telling the brutal truth, no matter who gets hurt or how much. But this is not the usual temptation. It is far more probable that we shall veer to the other extreme. We will paint for ourselves a most unrealistic picture of the awful damage we are about to inflict on others. By claiming great compassion and love for our supposed victims, we are getting set to tell the Big Lie – and be thoroughly comfortable about it, too.”

Any familiar territory there?

“When life presents us with a racking conflict like this, we cannot be altogether blamed if we are confused. In fact our very first responsibility is to admit that we are confused. We may have to confess that, for the time being, we have lost all ability to tell right from wrong. Most difficult, too, will be the admission that we cannot be certain of receiving God’s guidance because our prayers are so cluttered with wishful thinking. Surely this is the point at which we must seek the counsel of our finest friends. There is nowhere else to go.”

Once again I’m reminded of those folks who make claim to receiving God’s guidance. Why are they special? j/k

I think this is a very good example of why we need each other and we need to share with each other honestly. One of many reasons why the first word in the First Step is “We.”

Post from: Blisstree

There Are Reasons It Starts With “We”

I recently listened to some smart ass who arrived at a meeting late, listened to a couple of folks who were on topic, then spoke out to make the assinine statement that God certainly has dropped him on his head in order to get his attention.

How Profound!!!

Ah, I suppose its just me (spiritual axiom), but these folks who have this stupid (yeah, stupid) need to contradict sound experience in order to gain some level of sick attention all need a serious flogging.

This same person wakes up each morning and does a First Step. I often wonder if he goes to the bathroom before or after or takes the First Step while he’s doing a #1. Silly? So, during the night – is it not necessary to be a real alcoholic while you’re sleeping? Is sleeping a cure for alcoholism? Do you stop being an alcoholic from the moment you fall asleep or must you first go into deep REMS? Part-time alkies… Hey! Do part-time alkies have to do all Twelve or can they skip Four through Ten?

What are the requirements for being a part-time alcoholic? Are they anything like getting a temporary sponsor? You know, for those folks who only drank temporarily. Maybe you can find a periodic sponsor and do the Steps periodically? Yeah – like a periodic alkie. Good periods, bad periods. Something along the lines of calling on God like a bush league pinch hitter…

Post from: Blisstree

God Didn’t Bring Me This Far To…

I kept drinking, she stopped. I found lots of new drinking buddies through the years. I’m sure Bill W. did also yet the first remained the most important just like mine. And we both had one of these;

A kitchen table.

My last drink was at my dining room table but I consumed much alcohol in front of my wife at a table very similar to this one. This is the actual table that Ebby sat at with Bill when Ebby offered Bill a novel idea.

He said,”Why don’t you choose your own conception of God?” That statement hit me hard…it was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.”

[Quote, full story, and picture appear at Stepping Stones here]

Post from: Blisstree

They’re Not Always A Drinking Buddy

There are a lot of old phrases that meant quite a bit to folks like me that I rarely hear anymore. This is one of them.

Do you take offense to such a saying? If you do, the odds are good that you’re early in sodryety. An oldtimer explained it to me;

You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Everything you know about staying sober is on the first page of the Big Book, therefore when you open your mouth (at days, weeks, or months dry, no, not sober) you’re more than likely spreading your disease than helping anyone. The reason you have two ears and one mouth is so you can listen twice as hard as you speak. Listen to learn, learn to listen.

He was right…

Have a saying you haven’t hear for quite some time? Please, leave it in the comments

Post from: Blisstree

Take The Cotton Out Of Your Ears

You were given cause to think, develop an answer based in the Twelve Steps, and respond accordingly. Did you?

Or, did you believe that the oldtimer was okay, didn’t truly need your help, wasn’t looking for an answer that would not only help him/her but others as well?

Or, did you make one up because you really had no idea what to say but needed to be heard anyway?

What do you think about this?

“How I work my program is none of anyone’s business!!! How anyone else works their program is none of my business!!!”

First Things First – can we please make it THE program??? My program got me drunk…

Secondly, there’s this thing called “open-mindedness” that has no doubt saved my ass many times, thankfully. I have to be willing to listen to those who’ve been there – done that, and are able to pass on life saving experience to me to use! How I work the program has GOT to be someone else’s business on occasion and better be! Or, I might be drinking, or, more likely, dead.

Post from: Blisstree

Oldtimer Manipulates Meeting Topic!