How many of us have the audacity to think that we might know God’s will? Think about it… to approach making the statement that I know what God’s will is for me, or you, imho (lol), I believe that I would have a level of arrogance higher than that I’d had before.

Place my thought plane on a plane equal to God’s? Am I kidding?

Linda said it this morning (nothing original but – thanks my friend) “True humility is the desire to seek and do God’s will.”

This is for me… I have only one way of knowing that I am doing God’s will. Hindsight. What is more important to me is the desire to seek and do God’s will.

Even as I live a moment that is severely uncomfortable or fearful to me I can only step back, take a look (hindsight) and then decide to accept that everything is as it is supposed to be. Then I can find peace.

My challenge is to stop, take a breath, clear my head and then take a look. That is where I get lost. I react on impulse. I know better but it still happens on occasion. Which is where I now have to accept my imperfection as a human being. AND – that that imperfection is okay.

Then, lastly, attempt to wrap my brain cells around allowing myself to be vulnerable to a member of the opposite sex who is much younger, with help, because that person showed some personal interest and excited me, only to be rejected by silence – one more unavailable person who appeared available and wasn’t. Add to it that I had nothing to do with the first meeting and talk and… there you have it in a nutshell – I believed it was a God thing. Another one… and – it wasn’t.

Post from: Blisstree

Knowing God’s Will

Then, directly related to self-centeredness in the extreme, “Unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven’t much chance of becoming truly happy.”

Which, for now, is where I lose understanding.

The state of mind is such that faith and humility are sorely lacking meaning that selfishness is on the table. Do the right thing, do the right thing, do the right thing… and? What?

“Humility, as a word and as an ideal, has a very bad time of it in our world.” It is having a very bad time of it in my world – now! Thankfully, this too shall pass.

Whenever God seems as if He’s farther away than normal, check who’s moved. Me. Selfish.

Do the right thing and the exact same old crap continues to happen, without fail. One specific area, the single most fearful area, stays precisely where it has always been despite making use of new lessons and “seeing” God at work.

“Not only is the idea misunderstood; the word itself is often intensely disliked.”

Master of self-delusion. Keep my will out of it, part of the solution. Let Go and Let God. Same results. Faith struggles.

What am I willing to do today to not drink alcohol? ANYTHING!!! Whatever it takes…

Meeting – check. Shared it – check. Prayed – check. Talked to another alkie – check. Gave thanks – check. Helped someone else – check.

Acceptance? Nope! God Box? Been there, done that with this again and again. Willing to do it again? Nope… Selfishness.

“We are sure that no class of people in this world ever made a worse mess of trying to live by this formula than alcoholics.”

“Material satisfactions were not the purpose of living.” That’s right! That was etched in stone decades ago and also hasn’t changed ever! Hell, now there’s two areas…

In a few minutes my head will hit the pillow and there won’t be any booze in me! I’m damn well a miracle!

“The attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps!”

Accept and deal… and… have a good night…

Post from: Blisstree

Without Some Degree Of Humility

From “A Two-Way Street” in today’s reflection;

“I was always taught to prepare for the journey through life, never realizing until I came to AA – when I honestly became willing to be taught forgiveness and forgiving – that life itself is the journey. The journey of life is a very happy one, as long as I am willing to accept change and responsibility.”

The last three days, for me, have been a journey beyond my imagination! Funny thing is – all I did was simply change a very small part of my “routine” and had no expectations at all for anything out of the ordinary. Something certainly out of my ordinary has happened.

Thank you!

Post from: Blisstree

Life Itself Is The Journey

“The achievement of freedom from fear is a lifetime undertaking, one that can never be wholly completed. When under heavy attack, acute illness, or in other conditions of serious insecurity, we shall all react to this emotion – well or badly, as the case may be. Only the self deceived will claim perfect freedom from fear.”

Um Hmmm.

From the Daily Reflections once again…

“Fear has caused suffering when I could have had more faith. There are times when fear suddenly tears me apart, just when I’m experiencing feelings of joy, happiness and a lightness of heart.”

I no longer beat myself up for lack of faith. I continue to strive for more faith knowing I will never reach perfect faith. That is in direct contrast to the perfection I thought I needed to be forgiven in my early years. If my God has forgiven me and “you” won’t/can’t? Oh well! The God I understand today is a loving God (always has been, I simply didn’t see Him that way before) and because He is a loving God and He knows my heart I know He has forgiven me.

Those with angry, hate-filled, dark hearts who refuse to forgive me because I am not perfect can still affect my serenity from time to time but their importance to my peace of mind is nothing like it was years ago. Often I can be peaceful despite them and their judgments, criticisms and spewage. Why?

“Faith – and a feeling of self-worth toward a Higher Power – helps me endure tragedy and ecstasy. When I choose to give all of my fears over to my Higher Power, I will be free.”

Yep…

Post from: Blisstree

Fear And Faith

“If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.”

It adds;

“When I had taken my Fifth Step, I became aware that all my defects of character stemmed from my need to feel secure and loved.”

And that’s where I identify!

Reading further, the message becomes – I ask for God’s help and somehow (?) I find myself, having decided to walk through my fear, helping someone else who is walking through their fear! In this reflection the fears are identical.

I’m finding it “funny” right now because all of a sudden I feel like it is my responsibility to help someone walk through their fear which, no doubt, will be the same as mine. Then, I’ll probably discover that I’ll “forget my fear and comfort her.”

Thus, a spiritual experience helps me to see how willingness was/is the “key to working the rest of the Twelve Steps to recovery.”

“God helps those who help themselves.”

Post from: Blisstree

Walking Through Fear

Therefore, for today, I am feeling not very faithful. It doesn’t help that as I write posts like this, I try to save it as I write and either my computer or the server acts as if it has a resentment towards me

Reality – I’ve been trying to get something important to me and, in turn, to my responsibilities towards my family, solved for a year. To do this I have to contact a state agency. Background – I wasn’t able to fulfill this responsibility for quite some time and ultimately paid a legal price. God has helped me fix this in the past year and a half and it is no longer a problem but could become one again.

I’ve been taught this is a “do what you don’t want to do program.” I have also learned to give me, all of me, to the God I understand today, asking Him to “take away my difficulties so that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.”

Yeah – and – S.O.B.E.R. means Son Of a Bit**, Everything’s Real!

So, because this could affect my ex. and our children and because an oldtimer suggested it and it made sense with the help of HP, I did what I could do through my son to contact my ex. Knowing I’m not alone, I’m certain there are those who can understand how painful this process is for me. It is also simply morally right to fulfill the responsibility.

She called this morning. Almost nine years have passed since the last time we spoke. She had put forth an effort prior to calling to have some resources for me. I was thankful. I’ll leave it up to your imagination where my emotions went during this call. Don’t forget, I’m a real alcoholic…

I followed up. Made the phone call. Nothing. Same results as before. Nothing. Ought I mention that I said a few prayers during this? I’m not happy with God – right now. I’ll get over it and will move on. My faith however, has been deeply bruised.

Post from: Blisstree

Losing Faith

“Daily Reflections“

First Things First – Dr. Bob speaks of practice and I imagine that this was passed down to the point when it eventually came to me because my sponsor pointed out to me the only way I’d become good at anything was to practice it. It most certainly applies to recovery as Dr. Bob says;

“And I don’t believe we do AA too well unless we practice it.”

He goes further to speak of practicing then acquiring the spirit of service which, in turn, leads to;

“We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isn’t easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today.”

Which may have something to do with why I talk about being “societized.”

“But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else…”

To which the excerpt’s respondent says;

“Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.”

Fear – the thief of all thieves… and, again, the Big Book has the answer (pg. 68);

“We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.”

Post from: Blisstree

Faith – Not Easy For Some? Many? Most?

Just my personal opinion now – if I’m afforded the luxury of having time to think, even momentarily, at what appears fearful, it is one thing. On the other hand, if I have no opportunity to consider, am taken completely by surprise instantly, it is an entirely different situation.

It happened over ten years ago. My youngest son was coming to stay with me for the summer. We had had our conversations and had made arrangements. Unknown to me because it happened while he was on the road traveling to meet me, there was a change in the bus schedule and he wasn’t being dropped off where we originally had planned.

I hadn’t heard my ex-wife’s voice in quite some time. Strangely enough, I answered the phone at work prior to leaving to pick him up. I rarely answered the phone as I had folks who did it as part of their job. This is one of the multitude of moments where I’m willing to say that God has a weird sense of humor.

Of course, it was her, the dreaded mother of my children!!! At the sound of her voice, I’ll never forget it, a feeling swept over me. My fingertips and my toes (and a few other places) began to feel like I had frost bite. Within seconds they were burning with a sensation I’d never felt before nor since.

Fear hadn’t done that to me prior to that moment.

I won’t get into why it was fear, I’ll leave that to your imagination. My feelings about it are that my sponsor, Rick, was right on point on the day he told me that the emotional wreckage of the divorce had traumatized me.

Today I am truly blessed. The Twelve Steps have, in addition to helping me stay away from a drink of alcohol, returned me emotionally to the person I believe my God wanted me to be. But I am wary and aware constantly. On guard for the unguarded moment.

[This entry influenced by today's Daily Reflection, John's comment and John's post]

Post from: Blisstree

What Do You Tell Your Gut When It Goes “Oh Sh**!”

Fear Ain’t In This House!

WT??? (Yeah, I know… there’s usually an F after WT, isn’t there?) Some of you already know what “Fear Ain’t In This House” means. For those of you who don’t, “Fear Ain’t In This House” is derived from an acronym. The acronym?

FAITH

Strangely enough (not really), today’s daily meditation?

Cultivating Faith

Really… from Dr. Bob and The Good Oldtimers Book, pgs. 307-08;

“I don’t think we can do anything very well in this world unless we practice it. And I don’t believe we do A.A. too well unless we practice it… We should practice… acquiring the spirit of service.”

The Spirit of Service??? !!!

In this world??? Personal opinion – our world has been working extremely hard at losing the Spirit of Service and is much more determined to work at self-serving agendas. Which, to me, is one of the underlying conditions causing horrors like Virginia Tech.

“We should attempt to acquire some faith, which isn’t easily done, especially for the person who has always been very materialistic, following the standards of society today.”

Following the standards of society today? Dr. Bob and The Good Oldtimers was written many years ago and they’re talking of the standards of society today… being materialistic. Try to expand your thoughts from Virginia Tech to what the world stresses, argues and fights over? Materials! Property! Resources! Wealth! What was Cho pi**ed off about? Something that made him jealous or envious. And innocent lives paid the price. Isn’t this what happens everywhere??? Get real! In the Middle East its all about oil! Because we need to feed our cars so we can look good and we have yet to learn how to cut back in any way – being materialistic. The terrorists complaints, which lead to innocents dying – are all about something material when you get right down to the real facts!

“But I think faith can be acquired; it can be acquired slowly; it has to be cultivated. That was not easy for me, and I assume that it is difficult for everyone else…”

Again – personal opinion – right, right and right. Faith is possible, slowly. Difficult, yes, but not impossible! The person who responded to the quote from Dr. Bob and The Good Oldtimers said: “Fear is often the force that prevents me from acquiring and cultivating the power of faith. Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity.”

How much better might our world be were we able to appreciate beauty, be tolerant of our fellow man, forgive ourselves and others, be of service to our fellow man and have peace of mind? FAITH!

Fear Ain’t In This House!

[The challenge? It came from Jul at This non-American Life in a way I won't discuss here.]

Post from: Blisstree

Fear Ain’t In This House

Sponsor to newcomer;

“I think I can tell you exactly how to relax. You won’t have to work at it very hard, either. Listen, if you will, to these three statements.”

Third – “All you really need is an open mind. Just resign from the debating society and quit bothering yourself with such deep questions as whether it was the hen or the egg that came first. Again I say, all you need is an open mind.”

Have you ever been listening in a meeting and heard someone say something like this?

“Well, the other day I was debating with myself…” 8O

Have a wonderful, sober day all.

Post from: Blisstree

All You Really Need