“If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.”

It adds;

“When I had taken my Fifth Step, I became aware that all my defects of character stemmed from my need to feel secure and loved.”

And that’s where I identify!

Reading further, the message becomes – I ask for God’s help and somehow (?) I find myself, having decided to walk through my fear, helping someone else who is walking through their fear! In this reflection the fears are identical.

I’m finding it “funny” right now because all of a sudden I feel like it is my responsibility to help someone walk through their fear which, no doubt, will be the same as mine. Then, I’ll probably discover that I’ll “forget my fear and comfort her.”

Thus, a spiritual experience helps me to see how willingness was/is the “key to working the rest of the Twelve Steps to recovery.”

“God helps those who help themselves.”

Post from: Blisstree

Walking Through Fear

NERVOUS ABOUT HEARING HIS FIRST FIFTH STEP, a young priest asked an older priest to sit in on the session. After the AA member had described a few of his experiences, the older priest motioned the young one to step out into the hall.

“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand like this,” the older priest directed him. The young priest tried it. “Good,” said the older priest. “Try saying ‘I see. Yes, go on.’ And, ‘I understand. How did you feel about that?’” The young priest complied. “Now don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way! What happened next?’”

Of course, you realize, I did my Fifth Step with a priest… lmao

Post from: Blisstree

Ham On Wry Humor From The Grapevine Archive

Page 58 (12&12) says: “As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now be so sure that we weren’t still self-deceived?”

And I feel like saying “Oh Hell Yeah!”

Because I continue to do a “good job” of deceiving me… and I don’t want to go back to Mr. Puppy here and his “two” JD’s.

The 12&12 goes on to say: “How could we be certain that we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn’t appraise ourselves fairly at all.”

Well, I’ll be happy to tell you that a fearless and thorough Fourth Step and Fifth Step remove that. However, time and the possible delusion that we’re okay, can erode the effectiveness, imo. Thankfully, the experience of the working of the Steps isn’t erased over a period of time when we’re not looking at that which we had done.

What follows was true in the past for me, developing the importance of non-recurrence after 4 & 5 – as the 12&12 reveals: “Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under which we were hiding some of our defects while we still blamed others for them.”

The drama and exaggeration are gone. Today I’m down to gut level honesty and don’t sugar coat it or “lighten the load” in any way.

I misled myself, from fear, into applying for employment in a field I had experience in. The fear was not making the person I’m living with happy. I’d possibly lose whatever I thought we might have had at that point. In the not quite a year, not only is this job less than I am qualified for (because I allowed that), it hasn’t, and won’t, change whatever road this “relationship” has traveled down. And I do mean – down…

I’m both frustrated and angry that I allowed myself to accept less than, settled like always, second best again. Here is where a large dose of self-delusion enters the picture.

But I’ve got a ton of experience in this field so, if I prove myself to these people, I’ll gain advancement once again – financially things will improve and “she’ll” be happier, I’ll be happier, oh hell, everyone will be happier.

Wrong!

And it begins to lead to negative thinking which just ain’t good, for me or you or anyone… something has to change.

Post from: Blisstree

In Some Things I Remain A Master Of Self-Delusion

That doesn’t change the fact that alcoholism is a deadly disease. Or a deadly condition or a deadly state of mind, whatever you care to call it. (That’s for those smart alecks who want recovery their way…)

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”

Last night we heard from a “newcomer” who took a geographical in order to “fix” himself. He’d been in AA for three years in his old neighborhood and had managed to put two years together. Here for only a short time and now he has his first DUI. Which raises my personal curiosity. How can you sit in meetings for almost three years, call yourself an alcoholic and not truly finally admit it to your innermost self, go out and drink again, get your first DUI and seemingly not know that

Wherever You Go You’ll Find Yourself There!

Oh – you weren’t really paying attention. I understand. [Dripping with sarcasm... admittedly]

You weren’t by any chance one of those folks who was talking to your friend during the readings were you? Yeah – making it difficult for others to pay attention. Or, are you now one of those who could have made it possible for those newcomers to hear what they needed to hear by not talking during the readings?

You aren’t one of those by chance who shows up late, shuffles through the coffee pot, shuffles into the meeting while a topic is being presented, grabs your seat and makes enough noise to drown out whoever is speaking, then shares endlessly on a topic of your own choosing when the rotation moves around to you? Then wonder why you find yourself alone afterwards?

Perhaps you’re the one who takes such offense at being corrected also? Who takes offense that an oldtimer mentions to you that there are those here who are trying to listen to get sober and live! Would you mind keeping the noise down?

Could it be that you are an oldtimer who says that they’d never recommend doing a Fifth Step with another member of AA? Please – read pages 73-75 where we find specific directions for sharing our Fifth Step including: “When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.”

Post from: Blisstree

Damn Right – It Is Life Or Death!

“I was between Scylla and Charybdis now, because if I did not drink my stomach tortured me, and if I did my nerves did the same thing.”

Can you relate???

Scylla and Charybdis are two sea monsters of Greek mythology situated on opposite sides of a narrow channel of water, so close that sailors attempting to avoid Charybdis will pass too close to Scylla and vice versa. The phrase “between Scylla and Charybdis” has come to mean being in a state where one is between two dangers and moving away from one will cause you to be in danger from the other, and is believed to be the progenitor of the phrase “between a rock and a hard place” or the more literal phrase “between the devil and the deep blue sea’.

Page 24; “At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.”

“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.”

There Is A Solution!

“Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.”

Post from: Blisstree

Between Scylla and Charybdis

“We search for an easier way – which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.”

Really has it down to a “T.” Furthermore…

“But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they’ll go to the grave with us.”

How many of you have heard Father Martin speak about “activity vs. action?” I haven’t heard it for a while but, as I recall, he talks of folks confusing going to a Fifth Step meeting as doing work on your Fifth Step!

It just doesn’t work that way… and if we’re going to adapt every single time a newcomer walks in – to that newcomer – at least we might mention what the First Step is rather than do that “Can you bottom this” deal that a friend spoke of here a while ago. (Can’t remember which one of you said that, please remind me… Yes, I’m being sarcastic – )

Post from: Blisstree

Believe It Or Not But…

Think about that last meeting. How many of those folks who shared were really telling the truth and how many of them were telling us what they thought we wanted to hear from them so we’d think they were okay? How many of those smiling faces were actually dying on the inside but, heaven forbid “I” should let you in, then I’d have to go to work, look at me, and change.

How many of those who quoted the Big Book did so from memory or were simply repeating what they’d heard? And, have they actually practiced that principle they spoke of? Did any of us ever go to church and say a prayer that we memorized, not knowing its true meaning, just repeating it from rote?

The chapter “Into Action” and our Fifth Step explain this phenomenon very clearly;

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.”

Masks… those who taught me said we were wearing a mask.

“The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension – that makes for more drinking.“

A Solution!

“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.”

Exclamation point!!!

Post from: Blisstree

Will The Real Alkie Please Stand Up?

You were given cause to think, develop an answer based in the Twelve Steps, and respond accordingly. Did you?

Or, did you believe that the oldtimer was okay, didn’t truly need your help, wasn’t looking for an answer that would not only help him/her but others as well?

Or, did you make one up because you really had no idea what to say but needed to be heard anyway?

What do you think about this?

“How I work my program is none of anyone’s business!!! How anyone else works their program is none of my business!!!”

First Things First – can we please make it THE program??? My program got me drunk…

Secondly, there’s this thing called “open-mindedness” that has no doubt saved my ass many times, thankfully. I have to be willing to listen to those who’ve been there – done that, and are able to pass on life saving experience to me to use! How I work the program has GOT to be someone else’s business on occasion and better be! Or, I might be drinking, or, more likely, dead.

Post from: Blisstree

Oldtimer Manipulates Meeting Topic!

“All of A.A.’s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires… they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.”

Today, I’d very much like to offer my thanks to Sean A. from L.A., who said this on a tape I listened to – (paraphrasing) “Some days I’m a shining image of Alcoholics Anonymous, some days I just don’t drink.” My state of mind this morning lends itself to simply just damn well not drinking today!

Why would that be? Okay Big Book Bob McG. – where are you? I can hear you now, “Aw, things aren’t going Mark’s way… sniff.” Miserable Ole’ Goat (wish I knew how you are, love ya’ and thanks to you too!)

Go against my natural instincts eh? Ego deflation huh? God is simply not delivering my demands in my time! You gotta problem with that?

Yeah, here’s a dose of reality to seriously consider (which is truly what I’d like to relate to y’all). I get angry. Wallah! That’s right, even after 17 years. And it all boils down to – ego!!!

I’m working at making changes and they’re not happening fast enough. Actually, they seem to not be happening at all, rather, they’re moving more in a backwards direction. I will not let life abuse me anymore!!! Unfortunately, I don’t know a balance between being passive or explosive about how to deal with it. How about you?

Maybe I need more ventilation…

Post from: Blisstree

Contrary To Our Natural Desires

The Language of The Heart reveals what Bill says about his fourth and fifth steps on page 239;

“Step Four and Step Five, dealing with self-survey and confession of one’s defects, have not been overly difficult, either.

Of course, my self-analysis has frequently been faulty. Sometimes I’ve failed to share my defects with the right people; at other times, I’ve confessed their defects, rather than my own; and at still other times, my confession of defects has been more in the nature of loud complaints about my circumstances and my problems.

Nevertheless, I think I’ve usually been able to make a fairly thorough and searching job of finding and admitting my personal defects. So far as I know, there isn’t at the moment* a single defect or current problem of mine which hasn’t been discussed with my close advisors. Yet this pretty well-ventilated condition is nothing for self-congratulation. Long ago I was lucky enough to see that I’d have to keep up my self-analysis or else blow my top completely. Though driven by stark necessity, this continuous self-revelation – to myself and to others – was rough medicine to take. But years of repetition has made this job far easier.”

So – does any of this sound familiar? You are not alone!

* Bill was about to celebrate 24 years of sobriety.

Post from: Blisstree

Well-Ventilated?