When you are in a relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. You can get caught up in the drama, the emotion of a situation, and that’s when that tunnel-vision kicks in.

I used to be someone who was intent on getting to the bottom of something immediately. If there was a problem, I wanted to fix it then and there. This approach sometimes blew up in my face. 

I like to think that I’m better at waiting things out now, waiting until my partner and I are calm and better able to communicate. When it gets to the point that the parties involved are yelling or hanging up on each other, then it’s probably a good idea to take a step back. It’s not always easy to put the brakes on. In the end, if you are ever going to have a healthy relationship, one with good communication skills, then you have to learn how to “fight” fair. (I hate that term, but it really fits best in this situation).

I’ve talked to my teens, both of them, about taking a step back, about waiting until they feel calm again. I’m not sure they were listening then and I’m not sure they are listening now. I’m an adult, what do I know after all? I have faith in them, they’ll get it when they are ready.

Good luck kids!

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Step Back, Stay Calm, Fight Fair

Today Brett told me that they were all coming down on him. The girls were cranky all weekend, his Grandma was in tears just before work, and he and his wife had a “major blow-up” first thing in the morning. Brett likes to live a simple life. He takes care of his Grandma and his family, he works a few part-time jobs a day, and he’s been riding his bike all over town in an attempt to save on fuel costs. His wife, he can’t talk her into biking and it’s been a sore spot for them lately. She likes to do things like go out to lunch with her girlfriends. She also likes margaritas, but their blender is broken – I’m serious, this is something he has mentioned a few times, she really, really misses those margaritas. I say break down and buy a new blender – margaritas for some peace, man.

Brett is feeling a bit put upon. He said this to me today, “I have no faults. No bad habits. I don’t drink or smoke or gamble………” He also said this to me, “I told my wife, ‘we’ve been married for 15 years and we have the same fight over and over. We say the same words. We make the same points. The same fight. Over and over. I’m tired of this, I want to…..’” Here’s where I think he’s going to say something along the lines of “a break,” “a divorce,” something that signals that he’s had it, because he is very upset, but he doesn’t say that. Instead, he says he wants an end to the fight, he wants to solve the problem. This man, he would never think that of a break or leaving his marriage. He is married for life. He really doesn’t have any faults.

When I have a problem, I want out of the problem and too often that the way out of the problem is just plain out of the situation. I give up too easily. I think that in my relationship, some things need to change, but I think I need to stop looking for that handy door to freedom every time I get pissed. Even if this relationship does not work out, learning to dig in and see something through would benefit me in other areas. I need to lose a few faults, maybe be more like Brett, but with a working blender, because I really, really love my margaritas.  

Post from: Blisstree

I Know A Man With No Faults