It’s time to play referee.

Image credit: www.sxc.hu

With a kitchen timer.

Sit the two camps down. Grab your kitchen timer and set it for three minutes. Ask Kid Number One to air his side of the story within those three minutes. There should be no interruptions from others, just straight talk from whoever’s got the airtime. When the timer goes DING!, let Kid Number Two do the same.

This is a fair way to let both camps air their side and more importantly, be heard. But it’s best that an older person, a parent or a guardian, facilitate the discussion lest the kids start pulling each other’s hair out while the timer’s still going on.

It teaches kids patience, listening skills, and respect for others’ opinions. And hopefully, it spares parents of pulling their kids apart when a verbal fight gets physical!

Post from: Blisstree

It’s my turn to talk!

I just read the most amazing advice from the fabulous Dr. Phil about “How to Fight Fair.”  I strongly advise every couple to read these tips and discuss them together so you can use fights to solve problems in your relationship instead of making problems worse.  Here is my advice for how to fight, inspired by the Dr. Phil article:

• Keep it private. Don’t fight in public or in front of family and friends (especially your children).  It is unnecessary and makes other feel uncomfortable.  You also don’t need to hear advice or judgments about your fights from others…it will be easier to resolve if you keep it private.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old issues that you already resolved or situations that occurred a long time ago.  Discuss what is happening now and move on from the past.  When you are angry it is definitely tempting to throw everything out there that has ever angered you in the relationship, but that will only make the situation regress.

• Don’t be mean. Hurtful comments can linger for a long time.  Don’t let yourself get so angry that you resort to attacking the other person with hurtful and mean words.  Be mature and reasonable and don’t let your emotions so quickly that they get out of hand.

• Remain task-oriented. If you don’t know what the point of your argument is, then you don’t need to be fighting.  Don’t start a fight unless you know what your goal is.  Remember what you want to accomplish and stick to it instead of letting other issues get in the way.

• Accept and respect apologies. Don’t get so caught up in the argument that you don’t listen when your partner gives in or apologizes.  You don’t need to keep hammering away at the same issue if you have reached a resolution.  Be thankful and respectful for their apology because we all know that it’s difficult to admit that we’re wrong or that we need to change.  The important thing to remember is that your purpose is to resolve an issue, so stop when you have achieved this.

• Be proportional with your intensity. Don’t blow the situation out of proportion just because the argument elevates.  Remember the issue that you are discussing and treat it accordingly.  If a small issue is “the straw that broke the camel’s back” then you need to explain the bigger issue so your boyfriend isn’t caught completely off-guard by a blowout over a small disagreement.

• Be in touch with the other person’s emotions. Don’t get so caught up in arguing that you don’t realize when your partner is getting hurt by your words.  The issue could be extremely difficult for them to discuss and you need to remember that the argument involves their emotions as well as yours.  Sometimes you get so caught up in defending your situation and proving your point that you forget that the person who you love on the opposite side of the argument could be getting their feelings significantly damaged.

Reference: Relationships/Sex: “How To Fight Fair” on DrPhil.com

Image: Ed Yourdon on Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

How To Fight With Your Partner

Tim and Anna had a great sort of – what seemed to be – brother/sister banter/bond. They’d hang out a lot, tease each other mercilessly, but all in a platonic sense.

Until that one day that, over linguine, Tim told Anna that he had had feelings for her…for years.

Anna did not feel the same, and let him down gently. Tim said he understood, that it wouldn’t change their friendship, and life went on uninterrupted.

Now, Anna is planning her birthday party – ironically to be held at my house, so I am even more intertwined in peoples’ lives than normal – and is in the beginning stages of seeing a new guy. Tim has just told her that he will not be attending – it’d be too uncomfortable for him, and in fact, he’s not sure he can be her friend at all, if she’s dating someone (who is not him, of course).

We’ve all been there – had feelings for friends, which weren’t returned – hell, I’m there right now! – but what is the “right” thing to do here? The obvious answer is that Tim should suck it up and attend Anna’s party, but we can also understand his discomfort.

So, if you were Tim – or Anna – what would you do?

Image: Sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Friendship First

“You should never go to bed angry.”

This is one of the marriage fallacies that I believed in for the first few months – but quickly grew to realize that it is like telling someone to keep driving when they  are tired. If you are arguing right before bed, then that was just poor form on your part. But it happens – sometimes because one of you just felt like you had to get something off your chest. Other times, because something happened unexpectedly that’s out of your control.

Image: stock.xchng

Either way, you’re arguing…and you’re tired. The result, is more than likely going to be…

• incoherent
• emotional
• damaging

Maybe none of these things are beyond repair in the short term (or even the long run), but I firmly believe you are taking a big risk by trying to have a rational discussion right before bed.

I say, forget about what “they” say and make a pact with your spouse to be able to say to the other person “let’s talk about this in the morning” and each of you respect that. This should not be used as a cop-out (if you say those words at 6pm, he/she might not appreciate it) but instead, needs to be your commitment to one another that at a certain hour the risk of being too cranky/tired to rein in your frustration and not say something hurtful. The same issue will probably be there in the morning – but don’t force yourself to resolve it…or worse yet – let it go…just to appease words of wisdom that are way too black and white for all the blurred lines and grey areas in a marriage.

Post from: Blisstree

Going To Bed Angry Is Not A Bad Thing