I had a good 4th of July holiday. I enjoyed my family and my friends stopped by for a visit in the evening, but I could not help wishing for a different sort of day next year. I’d like someone to plan with and shop with and cook with. I’d like my man with me when we are sitting on the patio, laughing with our friends. I want a family that includes a partner.

I’ve spent almost the entirety of my adult life single. I liked being single, appreciated the simplicity of it, the lack of hassle, the independence, but after a few years of that I decided that I was ready for something more. I began dating and was involved in first one, then this long distance relationship. Today, I am feeling a bit lonely and discouraged. How long does it have to be this way?  How long until we have even a short visit together again?  It bothers me that I feel uncomfortable asking those sort of questions.  Communication is important.

When I get like this, and I do get like this sometimes, I’m only human, I try to think of the long term goals that I have for my relationship. I try to remember that the absence won’t last forever, that it will be worth it when we are together again, but it’s hard to think that way when those ideas are abstract, when there’s no plan in place.  I don’t operate well with a completely open-ended future. I’m the kind of person who needs to work toward a goal. My life is full of a lot of uncertainty and I need some things to be constant or safe. This is one of those things.  

I think it’s time to concentrate on the things that I can control. I need to get my home better organized, work on my budget. Bay needs to practice driving and Sarah is teaching me the guitar. Max has some medical appointments and that requires my complete attention.

Hopefully the relationship stuff will fall into place. I know that my boyfriend cares for me. I will do my best to be more patient. 

And my next post will be more peppy. I promise.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Absence Makes the Heart Grow… Lonely

My boyfriend and I have been a couple for more than a year.  As I’ve mentioned before, we live in different states and haven’t been able to spend as much time together as we would like. In the beginning, things were a bit on the fast and furious side – we jumped from friends to being in love quickly. We wanted to figure out a way to live together, so he changed jobs, moved 3 hours in my direction, and I planned to join him there in a few months. The work situation didn’t go as planned – the plan to live together was shelved. 

Then, we went through a time where I was uncertain as to our status.  Were we still exclusive, were we still planning a future, were we even a couple? Communication was impossible. I waited it out – I was confused, but I did my best to be patient.  Eventually things felt “normal” again.

I asked him, the last time he was here, if he was still interested in a future with me.  He said yes, seemed surprised by my question.  I don’t know if it’s men and women who are so different in the way they relate or if it’s just me and Steve. 

Last night we had the longest serious conversation we’ve had in more months than I can count.  We talked about important stuff and chatty stuff and then more important stuff. I felt a connection that I haven’t felt in awhile. I felt as if we were a team again. It’s hard when I don’t know if I matter, if I figure into his plans at all.  He’s not big with the reassurance and I hate to appear or feel needy. He is sure of me and he assumes I am sure of him. We have a complicated past and I try not to let it figure into our present, but it’s impossible sometimes to ignore it.

Relationships, they are never easy, are they?  I see my friends struggling, those in relationships and those who are single.  We all strive for the loving relationship, while still trying to hold onto our independence, our sense of self.  When things were the roughest for Steve and I, everybody who loved me encouraged me to get out. I didn’t.  I thought about it, questioned my reasons for staying daily. I’m glad that I held on. I imagine we’ve got more in the way of complications and struggles ahead of us, but I feel better equipped to handle them next time. 

In the end I know this; I love Steve, Steve loves me, Steve and I love each other’s children. That’s the important stuff, right? And patience, it’s something I’m always going to have to work on. I find working without a timeline frustrating, but trying to force something is only going to lead to resentment for the both of us.

At some point we all have to decide what our personal deal breakers are.  What are the things we can and cannot live with or without? Are we going to give up when things get tough? If we do, what does this say about our ability to hang in there for the long haul?  It’s not always going to be easy.  Being a human, it’s tough, it’s challenging.  That ability to love, to make ourselves vulnerable to others, it can feel like a kick in the belly at times.  Happiness, true connection, just a little taste of the bliss, that makes it all worth it to me.  As long as I have hope, I can find a way to be more patience. 

Do you have a deal breaker?  What do you think about cutting and running in a relationship?  Do you function with a timeline?  A plan?  Did you ever give up on something and now wish you’d held on just a bit longer? 

Image credit – Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

My Personal Challenge: Love and Patience