Earlier in the week, he told me that his wife is taking a trip down south for a month. He said that he was surprised by that and he asked her if she was coming back. Yes, she said, “the girls are up here.” Uh oh, I thought – she’s really pissed about him wanting her to ride her bike to work, something they argue about all the time. Maybe she’s tired of having to supplement their income with aluminum can collecting (honestly, that is way more trouble than it’s worth, sticky-icky and all those ants!!). 

Brett likes to talk to me about stuff. He says it helps with his mood – he’s actually said that I help his mood.  He says, that I “get it.” Okay, I’m a fairly decent listener and today I heard him say that his wife was crying about her trip. She said, “You aren’t going to even miss me,” and he made this joke that went something like, “Honey, how can I miss you if you never leave.” He said that. Out loud. To his wife. Geez, what a maroon.

I tried to give him some of my insight, some of my get-it-ness. First, I smacked the back of his head. Okay, not really, but it crossed my mind. ”Brett,” I said, “You’ve got to be more gentle. Tell that woman that you will miss her.”

Would it kill the guy to say, of course I’m going to miss you, because he is. He told me so. Why can’t he tell her that?

Is this some sort of power struggle? Does that stuff never end?  Do you still have to “sit on the fence” and play by The Rules, even after you are married? 

I know that there was a fair amount of mind games and BS in my former marriage and I hated it. My boyfriend tries it now. I’m not interested. I’ll wait things out for a bit, then I jump back in because if I play along, then I’m living my life according to someone else’s rules. I have a good friend and she makes a very good argument for fence sitting. It works very well for her, so I understand why she advises it, but I’m not good at sitting anywhere for very long, I’ve got to have some action.  Sometimes this works for me, sometimes it does not. 

I’m not perfect, but I try to live my life as openly as possible. The people I love – my family, my friends, my man- I tell them how much they mean to me all the time. Love is one of those things that just keeps multiplying – you give it, you get back even more. 

What do you think? Is Brett right to hold back? What is your position on fence sitting? If you were Brett’s wife, would you be tempted to extend your trip a little beyond that month? 

Post from: Blisstree

Brett Is A Dope

Today, a friend of mine, Eliza, shared this post with me  Ten Dating Red Flags, by Rich Santos over at Marie Claire.  Rich shares some very important relationship points that are equally applicable to men and to women.  

For example:

1.  You Are Not on the VIP List For Breaking News.  Were you the last to learn about this person’s job promotion or newborn niece or nephew?  Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.

  OR

3.  The Don’t Make Any Sacrifices. Healthy relationships don’t require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union.  When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday.  While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid-an event he never would have gone to if she hadn’t of invited him.  Now that’s sacrifice.

These points, they are important.  There needs to be some sense of connection, some sense of an ”us” in a long term relationship.  That give and take, it builds trust and security. 

The differences between the sexes can be very deep and mysterious and in some ways that’s good. Too much familiarity can change something sexy into something friend-y, but for the most part, there has to be some common ground, some shared vision of where we are coming from if we are to ever get the next phase in a relationship. It is heartening to learn that men and women are looking for the same things in a relationship. It’s boys vs. girls world. 

I want to understand men.  I want to figure out the man-puzzle, if there is one. I love men and it’s important to me that my daughters learn to enjoy and understand the opposite sex, as well, which is tough when you are growing up in single parent household. My hope for their future is a loving and enduring relationship. It is my hope for your future, too.

Do you have your own version of a red flags list?  Do you have an important piece of the man-puzzle mystery that you’d like to share? 

Post from: Blisstree

Men and Women – Are We Really That Different?

If you’ve never watched The Biggest Loser, you might find the idea of a show of a show featuring overweight people called big losers offensive, but it’s really a positive show. It’s exciting to watch these people getting their lives back and this family aspect, it appeals to me both as a mom and as a woman in love. 

My boyfriend is a big guy. I think that he’s lovely, I honestly do, he’s warm and sexy and funny, but sometimes I worry about his health. He has sleep apnea and some pretty constant heartburn. I want our future together to be long and full of adventure. To get there, we need to be healthy. I’ve got some weight I’d like to lose, as well.  I would like the two of us to work as a team on this, like the people on The Biggest Loser. I think about asking him to watch it, but as it does not deal with sports, politics, or The Big Lebowski, I don’t think he’d give it a try. 

In the past we’ve done some hiking and a couple of strolls around downtown.  Our first date, second time around, was a hike that he still refers to as the “death march.” He’s a great hiker, strong legs, quick pace. I had a hard time keeping up with him. If we lived closer together, I think it would be easier to get him out on the trail again, but for now…. well, it’s not easy to talk about. I worry that talk about weight will sound like criticism to him, even if I make sure to stress the health aspect. I’m worried that he will feel like I’m calling him fat. 

Deep down I know that he’s aware that he needs to make some changes and I also know that being afraid to talk about something this important is a huge cop-out on my part. For now, this is my plan: the next time he’s in town for a visit, I’m going to talk about our plans and how we need to be healthy to get there. He dreams of running fishing expeditions and there’s more to that than just sitting all day in a boat. 

How do you handle talking about the tricky stuff with your partner? Do you and your partner work out together?  If you are single, how big a role does health play in your choice of who to date?

Post from: Blisstree

The Other F-Word

It got me thinking a lot.

In an ideal world, I will meet and marry a man who makes enough money at his job (regardless if he works at home or not) that I can continue doing what I love to do, which is my consulting business and blogging, and still raise children properly. (I use properly in quite strict terms – I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into the world if you’re not financially capable to give them a middle-class lifestyle.)

I do not EVER want to “go back into the workforce”. I do not ever want to find myself fitting into a preconceived notion of an employer, or even trying to. I do not ever want to be limited to a 9-5 grind with a 30 minute lunch. I do not ever want to have to get up at a certain time to go to work lest I be fearful of lateness and resulting punishment of some kind. (To get kids and hubby up and running to school and work – that’s something I would love to have to get up for.)

I love the fact that more and more women are able to do this sort of thing – work from home, raise a family, and make things work financially so that no one suffers. But there are some really strange stigmas attached to being a stay at home mom that make people instantly think of either Stepford Wives or fat, sweatsuit clad, makeup-less, messy-haired women curled up in front of the soap opera hours surrounded by emptied packages of Pringles and bon bons.

But I think that planning a future with someone should totally address this issue well ahead of time. Goals like these (regardless if you’re looking to become CEO Woman In Charge at your company, or you’d rather be that bon bon eater) are just as important as whether or not you’re a cat person or a dog person. They’re as important as whether you’re cluttered or zen-like. They’re as important as if you prefer the opera to a mosh pit. All of the above if not more so.

To me, these sorts of things are non-bargainable aspects of one’s personality and self-made happiness. Relying on someone else for those things is never a good idea, and just doing whatever your significant other wants you to do so as to avoid an argument isn’t a good idea either.

How have you determined long term life goals into your current or past relationships?

Post from: Blisstree

Life goals: Stay at home or working mommy?

One of my favorite personal finance blogs is by a married father who is not just frugal, he’s downright SMART about money and how to save it without letting the frugality feel like it’s something of a burden to the family. On The Simple Dollar, Trent’s Twenty Free Ways To Please Your Lover (In A Family Friendly Way) serves as not only a great list of free suggestions you won’t be afraid to tackle in front of children (or parents, for that matter), but as a reminder that it really can be the little things that count most in a relationship, even if you’re still in the “honeymoon phase” of dating.

Some of my favorites on the list:

8. Leave a Post-It. If you leave first in the morning, put a Post-It note on the bathroom mirror for her to find.

16. Watch what he wants. If he wants to watch a particular show that you don’t like, just let him watch it, cuddle up next to him, and try to enjoy it.

20. Say “I love you.” Out of the blue, without provocation.

Post from: Blisstree

20 Ways To PLEASE Your Lover… Free and family friendly!

We did have a plan to move in together at one point, but circumstances, meaning job stuff, changed those plans.   Since that time, we have not spoken about it again.  Our visits have been timed farther apart, but that’s due to gas prices more than anything else.  Even though our time together felt normal and okay when he was in town, part of me was worried.  Why didn’t he bring it up again?  How come he was able to go for long periods without talking to me? 

A couple of things changed  my outlook in less than a week. One was reading the column that featured the Involved/Committed chart and I figured out that I was involved and he was the one who was truly committed. The other was the realization that I am a bit overwhelmed by my life right now and this, these short visits every 6 weeks or so, they are all I am up to right now.  All of a sudden, I felt more relaxed and ready to enjoy our time together. 

I used to do this thing when I was a kid – I’d read the end of the book way ahead of time.  I had to know how things were going to end and once I knew, I could relax and enjoy the story.  Right now, I don’t know how things are going to end, but I’m okay with that.  Just knowing that I love someone who has faith in us, that’s enough for me, because he’s a smart guy and I trust that he knows what he’s talking about. 

Sometimes love is like that, you close your eyes, you grab the hand of your loved one, and together you jump.   If you get to that jumping off point at the same time, great, but if you don’t, try to be patient, everyone has their own timetable and there’s no forcing true and honest commitment. 

Post from: Blisstree

Ready To Jump

The thing this person said about this theory had startled me. It was about the reason why people, mostly women, settle. Abandonment issues. The reason for my surprise was because I had recently realised this myself. To hear somebody else say it made it more real and concrete.

We’re not trying to trivialise the painful past of people who have abandonment issues. It is real. You feel it so it’s real.

But it doesn’t stop there, you see. You have to acknowledge that it is an issue. It’s just an issue. It’s not who you are.

Individuals with abandonment issues will seek some place to belong. This will result to finding something to fill that place that you want occupied. Ending up dating people for convenience and temporary comfort. You failed to consider your real needs. You can’t help but be overwhelmed with the seemingly urgent need to be with someone. You overlook the factors that will actually deal with the issue. Having someone there will not automatically mean you’re out of the clearing; that you’re safe. But, the fact is, you’re just in a relationship that’s a bubble gum remedy. You really have to deal with this at its core. You have got to deal with your abandonment issues.

Just pause for a while and ask yourself this question, “are you settling?”

If you know your true worth, you’ll never settle for someone less deserving. Be sure that you’re with someone who complements who you are. If he or she is simply attaching himself or herself on you for his or her gain, a temporary relief to a lull in his or her life (probably when he or she is still figuring out what to do with his or her life), you’ll find that you won’t have the energy to live for the both of you. He or she will just drain you of life (figuratively speaking).

Don’t be afraid to be who you really are. Embrace your own beauty. And, please, don’t settle.

Post from: Blisstree

Why You Settle

Let me briefly paint a picture hopefully to define each:

Involved

You want to be in the relationship. You want to be a part of the other person’s life and vice versa. You are present in the relationship with all good intentions. You are after the results (short or long term). Your decisions are based on what will get you those results.

Committed

You are all those things an involved partner are. However, you take it a couple of steps more. How? You would never give up on the relationship nor your partner. You will see things through. You will finish what you started. You sacrifice without resentment. You are after the achievement of the goal. Your decisions are based on your core principles.

Knowing who you are in that relationship you’re in will help you see things in a different light. It’s not all about self-love or self-preservation. It’s not about waning passions or exhaustion. It’s about how you define love. It’s about how well-founded your principles are. You find fulfillment in knowing you are willing to take care of the good things that you have in your life.

Perhaps when you find out which one you are you’ll finally realise why all the relationships (and probably the sort of work you produce) you were ever in fell through.

You don’t want to wake up one day and find that you have all the things you have worked hard for and yet you still feel the emptiness. Yea, you are with someone but you know you will give up when you want to.

Better decide which one you are and you’ll feel so much better.

Post from: Blisstree

Involved or Committed?

Beware the Window of Honesty, which slams shut about four weeks into a relationship. The more we become invested in someone, the more about ourselves we feel inclined to keep hidden. (Voice of experience: The explosive power of a secret will grow with the passage of time.) — Michael Crook, What’s the Recipe for The Good Life?

I recently realised how much I am a black and white sort of individual. I believe that there’s only one way that people should act to be considered right and outside that they can be called “bad guys”. Though principles like honour and honesty are things one cannot bend, it’s how people define them that differs. And with all the complexities of life, things don’t always fall on either black or white.

It’s quite disturbing to think that there is such a thing as “window of honesty” in a relationship. That there are people who will allow secrets to build up. We blame ourselves for failing in relationships but never really going down on the problem at its core. Wouldn’t you agree that keeping something from your partner will hinder the growth? Giving the other person the chance to face the truth as they come and not when it’s too late?

Whether or not this “window of honesty” truly exists, I choose to believe that such relationships can be classified as unhealthy for both and unjust to the other person who falls victim to it. A relationship is a two-way street. Even when both did know what they’re getting into, each should respect that they both entered into the relationship in good faith. Each partner has a responsibility to be honest with one another and not take advantage.

But if one desires a “good life” do we really have to believe and beware of the “window of honesty”? Or do we choose to believe that honesty can be had in a relationship? Thoughts?

Post from: Blisstree

Window of Honesty

Jealousy

Jeal”ous*y\, n.; pl. Jealousies. [ F. jalousie. See Jealous, and cf. Jalousie.] The quality of being jealous; earnest concern or solicitude; painful apprehension of rivalship in cases nearly affecting one’s happiness; painful suspicion of the faithfulness of husband, wife, or lover. (Source: dictionary.com)

In an ideal scenario, jealousy should be non-existent in relationships. After all, trust should be present in a healthy relationship. The former contradicts the latter. Without trust, the relationship ought to be non-existent itself.

However, we all know that to be human is to err. No one is perfect, hence, so are relationships. Jealousy can creep in. Everyone has their own set of insecurities. That’s why it brings me to ask the question.

Of course, it’s always recommended to communicate first and not argue. Raising voices will hinder understanding. It will only make the problem worse. Questions not accusations are suggested. Answers not mockery are advised. But, again, we all know we can’t have every conversation go as we hoped it will. We can only hope and persevere.

Personally, I still am having a hard time finding the right way to talk about jealousy. Reason being is that one, it’s like swallowing my pride. Two, finding the right words to describe the feeling. Three, to be fully objective and not emotional during the conversation is quite difficult. Four, finding the other person unreceptive.

Is it wrong to admit to feeling a little jealous? What’s wrong about speaking up? Wouldn’t you want him or her to speak up rather than silently accuse you of cheating or infidelity? Wouldn’t it give the relationship (and the people in it) the proper respect?

It’s hard to accept that if you do get the courage to face this demon, you’ll only be received with mockery and snap judgments. Blaming you for being paranoid, selfish, or irrational. Even when there you were opening yourself up, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, only to find no support or reassurance.

IMHO, I always believe that as long as you’re communicating, it’s a show of good faith. I believe that it’s you giving the other person a chance to correct you. This act allows a healthy look into the security one feels when it comes to the relationship. As long as a partner is talking, things are still open for discussion.

Having to hear that your partner was jealous about something or someone doesn’t automatically mean he or she is accusing you of cheating. He or she might just be haunted by an insecurity. You may have failed to make him or her feel secure in the relationship.

Regardless of the source of this feeling of jealousy, one thing I know that will kill it — reassurance. This will rekindle the feeling of security. We need a healthy dose of reassurance every once in a while. Is it really worth it to be stingy?

What about you? How do you go about this sort of situation? How would you handle it if your partner tells you he or she had been jealous about something? If you’re the one who had been jealous, how do you go about telling your partner about it?

Post from: Blisstree

Communicating Jealousy