I think it started when I was in high school, when I began struggling consciously with depression and feeling totally out of control in my own life. I had to go to school. I had to get good grades. I had to set a good example. I had to, had to, had to. Food felt like the only thing that was mine, the only thing I was in charge of. So I often didn’t eat, just because it meant I was in charge of something. I could control my body. I could decide to eat or not eat. I was powerful.

Except then it began to control me. And I have yet to really shake that feeling. When my husband’s away, or when I’m really stressed with work, I find that I have a tendency to punish myself for not being “better,” more organized, more capable, more “okay” with whatever’s going on by not eating. I might not be able to control how much work comes in, but I can control how much I eat! I might not be able to make myself stop missing my husband or feeling lost without him, but I can control how much I eat!

It’s nuts, I know. Irrational. Unhealthy. I know all of these things. But secretly, I’m proud of myself when I withhold food. I tell myself it makes me strong, and if I do it enough, I’ll get back down to that weight I was used to in high school, and boy, won’t that be great. Then everything will be better. Then I won’t be stressed at all. That will fix it.

Do you ever “forget to eat”? Or “forget that you already ate”? Do you know you’re doing it when it happens? How do you balance the desire to change your body with the knowledge that you have to care for it?

- Kristen

Contents © Copyright 2008 by Kristen King

Post from: Blisstree

Do You Ever “Forget to Eat”? Reflections on Disordered Eating