As singles, we have to figure out what sort of relationship we are looking for – something serious, something casual, something long term. We have to get out there and meet people and places like club meetings, the park, or while doing our favorite hobbies work just as well for a 6th grader as they do for a woman of 25, 30, 40.

Most importantly, we need to be true to ourselves, no matter what age. Pretending is not going to lead to any sort of lasting friendship or dating relationship. You can’t keep up pretense forever and who would want to anyway?  It’s exhausting.

If you are a dork, be a dork, because there are plenty of people out there who appreciate dorks (like me… okay, I’m a dork, too). If you are a runner or a ceramics painter or a coffee fan or a dog lover or a movie buff, do those things that you love and while doing them, smile at the people around you, because you never know when your next potential friend or date might appear.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Finding a Friend, Just Like Finding a Date

She’s spent entirely too much time on the computer this Summer and not enough outside running around. I try to get her out there, but she’s back soon with “It’s too hot, there’s no one around, the kids are boring…

I took her to the pool, but she and her pal argued so much there yesterday that I brought them home early. She was angry about something that was going on – her friend kept pouring water over her head with a toy that you use to speak underwater – and instead of just swimming away or finding something else to do, she got pissed.

I understand that sometimes kids are jerk-like, mine included, but children are not born knowing what to do. They have to learn how communicate with people, how to pick their battles, and most importantly, how to compromise. Adults sometimes forget these lessons, I’ve noticed. They grow older and a bit on the my way or the highway-ish. We are never too old to learn how to be a better friend.

Summer vacation is more than half over for my kids – we go back on the 12th of August (insane) – so I’m going to use my time wisely. I’m going to read the book, The Care and Keeping of Friends, by Nadine Bernard Westcott, with Sarah.

Bailey and I read it together when she was about Sarah’s age and struggling with peer relationships. I can remember The Care and Keeping of Friends being the second most helpful kid’s book Bay and I read together. It ranked after Everybody Poops and just ahead of The Period Book.

I’m looking at this as a Summer project that we have Sarah better prepared for school in the Fall.  Okay, it will still be officially Summer her for us, but I’m looking at this as back to school-work.  We’ll practice for the rest of the Summer and by the first day of school, she’ll be golden.

Image credit: Barnes and Noble.com

Post from: Blisstree

My Back-To-School Friend Plan

I don’t like hearing, “shut up,” either. It’s rude and abrupt. There’s got to be a better way to halt the flow of words, but so far I’ve found that “enough” and “shut it” aren’t very good alternatives.

Sarah was angry and wanted a chance to “vent” to someone. That’s when she heard the “shut up.”  I’m pretty sure I was the subject of the vent, as I’d just kicked the girls outside and told Sarah to get some exercise. I thought it was very grown up of her to use the word, “vent.” She wants a friend that she “can talk to about anything.”  I tried to explain to her that there’s no such friend in existence.

I have a few close friends, a boyfriend, a sister, and a mom that I talk to about things. They are all wonderful listeners, but I cannot talk to any of them about everything. It’s not a matter of trust – I trust them. It’s more a matter of boundaries and respecting their time and attention. The truth is that nobody wants to hear all your stuff. They’ve got their own stuff and we are all just trying to get by.

I told Sarah that what she needs is a journal. She can write anything and everything in the journal and Bay and I will respect her privacy – we will not read the journal. She can unload, vent, talk about everything until she’s feeling calm again.  Everyone needs a safe place to let off some steam.

*Update* I found her a  journal. It has a pretty cover and a band that keeps it closed. She asked if she’s allowed to write anything in there, “even bad words?” I assured her that it is her book and nobody else will read it.

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

You Can’t Tell Anyone Everything

Remember when you were a kid, how easy it was to make friends?  You were offered up a new selection every Fall when you returned to school or you could hang with the kids in your neighborhood. Either way, there were so many options and the rules were pretty simple – play outside until Mom called you in for dinner.

Then, there was high school and it was pretty much the same, only you had more kids to chose from. Need a best friend in high school, grab the one who dresses like you. Easier to pick out boys back then, too.

As an adult, it’s harder. You work, you run errands, you clean your house, whatever. Life is busy and friend-shopping is no longer easy. For a long time, I made acquataince-friends with neighbors and that worked out okay, we’d chat some, but they were usually married or in some way living a very different type of life than the one that I lead.

I found a couple of old friends on MySpace – Leah and Jackie – and suddenly I had real-world  girlfriends again. Oh joy! And that’s not sarcastic, I love those girls, time with them is pure joy.

Do you have good girlfriends?  If you do, where did you find them? Do you keep in touch with old friends? 

Image credit: Michelle Smith

Post from: Blisstree

Adult Friendships

One “love saying” questioned whether or not your spouse should be your best friend. It got me thinking about my past marriage and relationships. I think I’d like to be married again someday – I know I’d like to be in a committed relationship again some day. Would I need that person to be my best friend? 

Here’s what the relationship experts had to say:

Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.

Barbara De Angelis: I disagree. If your spouse isn’t your best friend, then what is he? I think it’s important that you not only love him but like him a lot, too.

John Gray, author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well – especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

I remember making my marriage the center of my world. My husband had a way of keeping me off-balance and under his thumb without ever saying, “Love only me.” I now feel that was a big mistake. I should have made my world larger, let more people in. I was very young then – you live and you learn.

My last love was my best friend until I realized that he really was not a good friend at all. I think that I’m still learning. Your partner should be your closest friend, but they should not be your only friend.

I have a female friend that I can talk to about anything and that includes things I would not talk to my partner about. The days of full disclosure with a romantic partner are over for me. I think a balance is important. Total dependence, that includes friendship, is not healthy for a relationship. You’ve got to be complete on your own, to be a good partner.
 
What do you think?  Best friend? Not best friend?

Image credit: All Posters.com

Post from: Blisstree

Love and Friendship

Thoughts? Opinions?

Uh, violent reactions perhaps?

I’m one of them who thinks that it is possible to be just friends with a guy. But I have to admit that if we are to bring “attraction” into the equation, it can definitely complicate the friendship. Hands down. Especially when everything’s one-sided. Ugh. Train-wreck.

Here’s the argument.

I actually went ahead and did what the he said I should do to “ease my doubts” about this theory. I asked the questions and I got an almost-verbatim set of responses.

• ME: question
  HIM: yep?
  ME: do you have any girl-friends who you want to only ever stay friends with?
  HIM: yep
  HIM: is this for dating dames or something?
  ME: yes sort of
  ME: why wouldn’t you want anything more with them?
  ME: pssst
  HIM: hmmm…
  HIM: well, I’m not attracted to them…
  HIM: they’re not attracted to me…
  HIM: either of those reasons.
  ME: do you have any girl friends who you’d like to get together with?
  ME: psssst!
  HIM: well, with ****, but just for [coughs].
  ME: just a simple yes or no will do
  HIM: yes
  ME: but you answered my next question

Weirdness. After that conversation, I’m finding myself inching towards the belief that all men do think alike. No exception. Hahaha.

Here’s a way to validate the claim.

I guess we, the women, can continue to think that our guy friends remain unaffected. According to the logic used, we’ve got 3 good points we can use as criteria then just apply the process of elimination. However, it won’t affect the fact that we’ve already proven that the initial statement made in this post is true.

The presence of attraction dooms the friendship between man and woman.

Tip: If you’ve never considered this guy friend of yours before, perhaps it’s a good time to do so. Especially if you can come up with a positive answer to the “why not?” question. However, if you already know for certain that it’ll never happen then you’ve got to re-think the friendship. Sad but it’s only fair, right?

You can also check out:
The Friend Zone
When do you call it a date?

Post from: Blisstree

In the Spotlight: The Guy Friend

Surprisingly, the same survey indicated that while many aspire for a guaranteed love, they are not taking advantage of opportunities to meet new people and aren’t optimistic about their chances of finding love. More than 50 percent of those surveyed did not go on a single date in a typical six-month period, and nearly 70 percent said they didn’t believe they would meet the right person for them in the next six months.

Full article on PRWeb

It’s been my belief that too many people are putting all stock into the whole “soulmate” idea that they tend to overlook someone who could possibly be a great match. 

I’m not so sure there is such a thing as being swept off one’s feet – love at first sight, or any of the other stereotypes given to the soulmate encounter dream.

Looking back to generations before us, marriage wasn’t so much about the romance of today’s standards, but about the partnerships that stick together through thick and thin.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but when singles stop setting their standards at such an unreachable high, love is far more likley to happen.

Post from: Blisstree

New Match.com Survey Finds Love is More Important than Friendship, Work or Financial Security

Let me explain it further in my own way. It’s like seeing them give their blessing on your newly-found dating relationship with their mate. I mean, all of us have our own tight-knit group of friends, whom we consult from time to time and value their insights on the people we date. So, introducing them to the person we’re currently dating for the first time can be crucial to the future of the relationship. Personally, if I am to date someone, I prefer him to be able to mingle and get along well with my friends and vice versa. The relationship will be a little less complicated that way. But if for some unfortunate reason and these people don’t mesh well, I admit, I’d have to drop the guy — after careful consideration, of course.

Granted that there’s a line between seeking their approval and them dictating who we date, it actually depends on us, really. It’s how much power you give them. There’s actually nothing wrong with it so long as you are happy with how things in your dating life is turning out to be.

So, what’s your personal stand on the matter? Do you think that “The Nod” is a vital part of a successful dating relationship? Do you actively seek out “The Nod” from your date’s friends? What about your friends?

Post from: Blisstree

The Nod: Friends’ Approval

I’ll state the obvious: Acquaintance, Friends, Dating, Exclusivity, Moving In, Engagement and then, lastly, Marriage. These are the levels that partners generally go through. I hope I didn’t miss anything. Anyway, some levels are skipped and they even have ’sub-levels’ like in terms of intimacy, physical and what not. Though, I can’t help but wonder, how important levels are to individuals in the dating scene?

For individuals who consider it important, several questions come to mind that I would like to find answers to:

How do couples decide to move to the next level? i.e., How do you take frequent dates to become exclusive?

Are there conditions that have to be met in order to move up a notch?

It may seem strange to some of you, people, but there are individuals out there who are totally clueless about it. You do have to admit, dating is a combination of art and science. I mean — you can’t apply an exact formula to guarantee smooth sailing nor can you just adopt a ‘wing it’ attitude, if you catch my drift. Levels measure progress towards a goal, a science. The process involved often require pure instinct, it is after all an emotion we’re dealing with thus making it an art.

Anyway, that’s a totally different matter we can talk about on another day. For now, I’ll leave you to ponder on my questions.

Post from: Blisstree

Level Up!

I think it’s silly.

I’m sure there are a lot of reasons you can throw at me why you’re guilty of such practice. But let me tell you this, “technicality” will not erase the fact that you are going out with the guy. So, yea. Like it or not, if you agree to spend time with the guy, especially when you have knowledge of the intentions since you guys talk about them, you are already dating him.

I am not saying you guys aren’t friends. I just want you to know that you are more than just friends. Why is it important that you know? So you can level your expectations and yes, be responsible for the person’s feelings as well as your own. There’s no middle ground. It’s not fair for either of you.

Tell me, if this friendship that you have with the guy doesn’t evolve into a relationship, will either of you be able to walk away with your heart still intact and without tears?

Think about it.

Post from: Blisstree

“Just Friends”