You may have read about a prominent Dutch diplomat and his wife who “returned” their Korean daughter, whom they adopted when she was four months old. They handed the girl over to social workers in Hong Kong saying the adoption had not worked out.

In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf, Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was “very sick,” and suffers from a “severe form of fear of emotional attachment.”

The child currently lives in a separate house, (the Hong Kong Foster system) and the entire family is in therapy.

“We tried intensive family therapy to find a cure. To our great disappointment, things didn’t get better, they got worse and the rest of the family began to suffer immensely from that,” he wrote in a letter signed by him and his wife, Meta.

“In mid-2006, on the advice of known medical specialists, professionals from the adoption organization ‘Mother’s Choice’ and the social services of Hong Kong, it was decided that in (her) interest she should be placed in a separate house and we would not be allowed to have any contact with her. The therapy for our family and our daughter continues to this day.”

I have heard of several children who have found new homes after they have been adopted from countries like Russia. I have mixed feelings about disruptions because I know that sometimes parents are doing the right thing for their children when they find the right home for them.

I have a friend who recently dissolved her relationship with her daughter, adopted from Russia two years ago. In my heart I know that it was the right choice for her, her family, and her daughter. Often, children have such special needs that can not be met in particular homes.

Is it not better to find the right home than to allow the child to suffer in the wrong one?

The mixed feelings come from parents like the Poeteray’s. Are they telling the truth when they say that their daughter was ill and unattached? Or is the an issue wherein the mother is unattached? Has a nanny cared for the child more than the mother? Did they adopt her to fill a void and not because they wanted a child? Did they ever really claim her as their child?

They seem to blame her for the dissolution but how much effort did they put into the relationship before they realized they were in trouble?

Post from: Blisstree

Disruption and Dissolution

But when they start to censor comments…people get pissed.

For the record, and as an adoptive parent, I am actually offended by the post. I think it all goes back to the fact that I didn’t save my son and I don’t think it is at all funny to think that my son, at the same age as her daughter, might be (in his case) in a mental institution or on the streets. And God forbid I ever say that to him.

A girlfriend who is now on the waiting list for a child from Ethiopia says that the talk of her adoption group is a recently published book in which many Midwestern Asian adoptees now entering their 30s and 40s complain bitterly about being treated as if they did not come from a different cultural background. They feel that this treatment was an attempt to blot out their differences, and because of this, they resent their adoptive parents.

So in a way it is kind of nice to know as a parent of a child, biological or otherwise – whatever you do is going to be wrong. Like I say to Willow: “Well, you know, if you were still in China you would be working in a factory for 14 hours a day with only limited bathroom breaks!”

And she says — as has been said by children since time immemorial — “So what, I don’t care. I would rather do that than be here anyway.”

Jae Ran, kudos to you for picking up on the saving issue. Somehow I knew you would.

How great that this adoptive parent has now made her daughter feel like she was saved from something so horrible! Whew! Great job, Ms. J. I’m sure you’ll have her never-ending gratitude forever!

What the New York Times has done, according to the prominent adoption bloggers I have found on this topic, one of which I had the opportunity to hear speak two weeks ago (great session BTW), is censor voices that criticize the post. Ummm hello free speech? And this coming from the NYT.
Racialicious created a great list of other posts (so why create another list? But make sure to digg her post.)

Save one, win valuable prizes
Relative choices?
Nail? Meet hammers.
Racist M/Paternalism at its Best
Whoa. Hey. People — this isn’t ok
Shut Up, Tama Janowitz. Just shut up. And turn in your parenting license while you’re at it.
To Willow Janowitz: You’re not alone….
All The (Adoption) News That They See Fit To Print
A Comment About the Comments
The New York Times: Gatekeeper, Censor
Tama Janowitz, My Canidate for Mother of the Year
Tama Janowitz on NYT adoption blog
Fairness Doctrine
New York Times aka “the Adoption Police?”
censorship on new york times adoption blog
New York Times Adoption Blog Censoring Adult Adoptees
Where are the Outraged Parents here?

Post from: Blisstree

New York Times’ Relative Choices