If you have been feeling this recent economic relationship strain, don’t worry because you are not alone.  I have been hearing about new and challenging issues from friends and family in all stages of relationships.  Here are some common challenges:

• We can’t afford to fly to visit each other anymore.
• I can’t move to a new city to be with him because I can’t find a job.
• I can’t afford to go out to the bars and pay for drinks.
• I can’t afford to take someone out to a dinner and a movie.
• We pooled our finances and it’s not enough to buy a place to live.
• We can’t afford to put on a wedding.
• We didn’t want both of us to have to work.
• I can’t afford an engagement ring.
• Now that we’re married, we don’t want to ask our parents for money.
• I lost my job and I need to just focus on myself.

All of these issues exist for many couples regardless of the economic recession.  But if you are one of the lucky few who only find yourself in these negative situations because of a fall in stock prices, my advice is:

• Patience. If your relationship is strong, then you can wait it out.  Maybe you have to pay rent or continue long distance for a couple more years than you had planned, but stay calm and remember what’s important in your life.  After you make it through these challenges, your relationship could be stronger than ever!
• Budget. There are ways to impress your date and provide for your family without spending tons of money.  Don’t push your budget because of other people.  Figure out what you can afford and live within your means.  Everyone is stretching their money right now, so don’t feel uncomfortable about holding back on things that you could have paid for a few years ago.

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Post from: Blisstree

The Economy is Affecting My Relationship

This abrupt and unexpected type of break-up can be the most emotionally crushing, but surprisingly with some time and mental control, can be one of the easiest to get over.  If you have just suffered from this experience, here are the steps to take to re-evaluate your view of the situation and find a way to pull yourself out of the depression that it may be causing you.

• Take care of yourself. You probably feel desperate, anxious, out of control, and like your whole world has just come crashing down around you.  Slow down, breathe, and realize that the world is still a wonderful place to live in.  Don’t punish yourself for what happened!  You deserve to be loved and you can start by loving yourself.

• Give yourself time. It is completely normal to feel sad and uncomfortable in your life now that you are alone.  Let yourself be sad for a little while.  It’s good to know that you are a human who can feel deeply and has the ability to care about someone.   Love yourself for being able to love someone else and accept that it will take time to move on and heal completely from this.

• Don’t try to get him back. Don’t focus your efforts on him.  Focus your efforts on healing yourself.  If he dumped you then you were not a perfect match and you need to let each of you go your separate ways.  It is hard to accept that you no longer have a future together, but the sooner you accept that then the sooner you will find happiness in your life.

• Re-evaluate your interpretation of the relationship. It is clear now that you are broken up that there was something missing in the relationship.  What was it?  Look back at your time together and be realistic.  Everything wasn’t perfect.  Try to understand where the problems were so that you can notice them next time you are in a relationship.  You had love blinders on and didn’t see the reality of the situation.  But maybe you can see it now and learn from it…

• It wasn’t a match. Regardless of how you felt about him, he wasn’t the one.  Everyone is different and everyone is looking for something different in their mate.  The sad reality is that he just wasn’t looking for you.  If you truly love him, then you will want him to find the person that is his match and will make him happy.  Whatever happened between you does not change who you are.  For now, focus on being the best person that you can be on your own.

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Post from: Blisstree

He Was The One and He Broke My Heart

If you have encountered this problem in your life, here are some tips for how to deal with it so that you can, hopefully, maintain a friendship and your own happiness:

• Give him another chance. Sometimes new boyfriends can make a bad first impression.  You might have judged him too quickly.  Set your first impression aside and try to have an open and positive mind about his role in your friend’s life.

• Spend some time one-on-one with him. If you dislike the guy already, this probably sounds absolutely crazy…but it will definitely give you a chance to talk openly and maybe ask some questions (in a non-confrontational way please!) that you have been wanting to ask and help him to feel more comfortable.

• Don’t try to break them up. You have to realize that you will never understand what goes on between two people in a relationship.  Unless you think your friend is in danger (an abusive relationship breaks all rules) it is not appropriate to encourage her to break-up with him.  This will only alienate you and cause tension for everyone involved.  Learn when you need to bite your tongue.

• Don’t talk behind their backs. Once you decide you don’t like someone, it’s pretty easy to exacerbate the issue by talking about it all the time…especially if you get someone else on your side!  Make observations, speak honestly about your concerns, but generally keep your thoughts to yourself.

• Annoying is not grounds for break-up.  This is very important!!  It’s definitely possible that you just find the boyfriend to be annoying.  This is unfortunate, but definitely not a reason why they should break-up.  Everyone likes something different in everyone else and she probably finds his annoying tendencies to be cute and sweet.  Try to put aside annoyances and see if you still dislike him.

• Spend time one-on-one with her.  If you find that after trying your hardest to see the goodness in this guy that you still can’t, then schedule girl time with your friend without her boyfriend.  You still don’t need to unload about your dislike for her boyfriend.  Instead suggest a “girl’s night” where you can enjoy each other’s company without your significant others.  You will be able to maintain your friendship without worrying about the boyfriend.

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Post from: Blisstree

I Don’t Like My Friend’s Boyfriend

If you are in a trusting relationship, then there is no need for excessive use of the phone to keep in contact.  Unanswered phonecalls and delayed responses to text messages can cause unnecessary stress, doubt, and worry.  It’s possible that your significant other actually loves talking to you and hearing from you, but has a life outside of being attached to the phone. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your relationship involving your significant other and the phone to find out if you need to re-address the amount of time that you spend communicating (or miscommunicating) by phone:

• Do you call when you have nothing to say?
• Do you argue more over the phone than in person?
• Do you feel anxious if he doesn’t answer the phone?
• If he doesn’t answer, do you call again right away?
• Do you go over the monthly limit of minutes or texts on your cell phone bill regularly?
• Do you feel angry or sad if he misses a call from you?
• Do you try to keep him on the phone even when he says he is busy?

I have to admit that in past relationships I have been guilty of all of these problems, and now I am also able to recognize how often they occur in other couples.  Don’t feel terribly if you answered “yes” to a lot of the above questions…it’s really quite common!

Take time to talk to your significant other in person about the situations that have come up the questions listed above and express how you have been feeling.  It will help enormously to let him know how his actions make you feel, but also help you to realize that you need to adjust issues of frequency and expectations surrounding phone communications.  A simple solution might be to just call and text each other less!

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Post from: Blisstree

Do We Talk Too Much On The Phone?

I have some experience with military relationships, so I would like to start reaching out to women who have loved ones in the military and are looking for answers.  It is an extremely lonely and painful experience and I know that it helps to know that others have gone through the same situation.

Today I would like to talk about tips for women dealing with returning servicemembers.  If your loved one has recently returned from a military deployment there are a lot of new challenges that you will face.  You know that your loved one is going through a painful transition to adjust to life back at home, but you probably are completely nervous about how to deal with it in the best way.

I believe that this advice also applies to any other return from an emotionally challenging or alienating situation like rehabilitation or loss of a loved one.  It could also apply to any situation that involves long periods of time spent apart.

This advice has been adapted from a publication from a support organization for the US Marine Corps:

• Talk and listen. It might feel awkward at first, but open communication is extremely important.
• Go slow. Don’t force emotionally or physical intimacy right away.  You have missed each other a lot, but it will take time to get to that level of comfort again.
• Be flexible. You have both established a lot of independence so allow yourself to adjust to some of his patterns.
• Don’t be defensive. He might have a bombardment of questions for you about the changes in your life that have occurred since he has been away.  You had to make a lot of decisions without him and you need to take the time to calmly explain them without feeling attacked.
• Don’t force talk. He might not want to open up right away about everything that he has been through…and that’s okay.  You don’t have to be his therapist, you just have to be supportive and loving and with time he will become comfortable.  Talking to a trained professional could be very helpful.

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Post from: Blisstree

He Just Returned From Military Deployment

Here are a few questions to discuss with your significant other before you take the plunge:

• Are we doing this because of financial reasons?  This is the biggest mistake that you could make!  Cheaper rent is NOT a reason to move in together.

• Do either of us feel pressured?  Think about who brought up the issue of living together.  Make sure that the other person is just as comfortable with the idea and isn’t being persuaded.  It’s not something that you want to push someone to do before they are ready.

• Have we ever dealt with sharing money?  Moving in together doesn’t just mean that you get to spend more time together…it also means that you have to introduce money issues into your relationship.  Who will pay for what?  What will you share?  Does one of you want to spend much more than the other?

• Do you want to have independent space?  Think about arranging your apartment in a way that allows for you to have privacy.  Sharing all of your space all of the time might be difficult and it could be beneficial to your relationship to create separate spaces for things like desks.

• How will you keep romance in the relationship?  A relationship changes a lot when you taking out the garbage and cleaning the bathroom instead of going out to parties together.  Discuss ways like “date night” where you can make some of your time together special.

• What are your plans for the future of the relationship?  When everything is going well in a relationship you really hate to bring that topic up.  A lot of times it can cause stress and awkwardness if you don’t feel the same way.  But you have to realize that a lot of people see moving in together as one small step before engagement/marriage…so make sure you understand what moving in together means to the other person.

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Post from: Blisstree

Are You Ready To Move In Together?

She talks about how she feels that interfering with her son’s failures – bailing him out of jail, paying for his fine when his car was towed, etc – actually enabled him and prolonged his period of drug use. She found it impossible to turn away, to not help him when he needed help.

Cataldi: I blame myself all of the time. Absolutely I felt like a failure, like a failure as a mother. I should have been able to fix it. I should have been able to do something differently. If I could have cut out my heart and given it for him to be well, I would have done that.

“I should have been able to fix it.”  What mother does not think that phrase at some time?  When my daughter would struggle, I would do her work for her, I was so desperate for her to not fail. Instead of helping, I enabled her. It took failing on her own for it to sink in and unfortunately, it’s something she is still working through.

Or maybe it’s not unfortunate. Maybe it’s just part of the process of growing. I still fail, I’m still struggling. My mother offered to help me pay something the other day and I was appalled. I haven’t needed her help financially in years and I will not go back to that now. I have already figured that particular problem out and I didn’t need her help, thank goodness. Just the offer of it freaked me out. I did appreciate it. I don’t want to sound like a bad daughter.

Learning to own your mistakes, to embrace your failures, is a big part of learning to be a grown-up. It takes some of us a little longer to get there.

This book sounds very interesting and even if you are not the parent of an addict, I think mothers will find a reason to relate to Libby Cataldi.  I’m going to take a look at the book, although as the ex-wife of a former addict, I have a hard time with the subject matter. (Shows like “Intervention,” might be great entertainment to some people, but are a reminder of hell to me.)

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Post from: Blisstree

Stay Close-Memoir of Mothering & Addiction

I have mentioned in some of my previous posts that, unfortunately for many of us, a first impression is very important.  It’s a natural characteristic to feel welcomed or off-put by someone during the first time that you spend together.  You will get a feel for whether they are down-to-earth or putting on a facade.  This doesn’t mean that opinions won’t change over time, but for starting a friendship getting off on the right foot sometimes goes a long way. 

It is a fact of life that many people that you encounter, male or female, are competitive.  It’s usually a subconscious reaction, but it occurs often and it can definitely be a source of tension in girl-girl relationships.  If someone has even the slightest twinge of low self-confidence then they could feel somehow threatened by something about you that is compeltely innocuous…your clothes, your salary, your boyfriend, your attractiveness, your friends, etc.  If you meet a new girl it might be easy for her to quickly size you up, feel threatened, and give you the cold shoulder.  If this happens, I don’t think you should give up on the possibility of a future friendship!  It might take a little bit of work on your part to reach out to the girl and let her know that you are in no way a threat:  you aren’t trying to steal anyone’s boyfriend and be better at anyone than anything.  You are just trying to be friends!

My biggest strategy in making new girl friends is not to be judgmental.  Don’t take offense to anyhing too quickly and accept that a lot of people aren’t open to the idea of letting someone new into their life right away.  Maybe they want you to prove yourself a little before they let you in…and that’s okay!  You haven’t had the time to get to know them yet so you don’t know what experiences they’ve gone through that make them who they are.  Just remember that some of your best friends probably have faults that you completely overlook because you love them and know them so well.  The new girl you’re hanging out with who doesn’t seem to be very friendly could actually end up being one of your closest friends if you keep trying to break through her shell.  Show her kindness and thoughtfulness and don’t over-analyze yourself.  If you are confident and secure in who you are and how you treat other people, then you can be sure that eventually she will see that and get over the subconscious aversion she might have to your friendship.

I’m not saying that everyone can be your friend, but I am saying that sometimes it takes a little work.  As you get older it’s not easy to let new people in and it might not happen as naturally as it did in college.  If you have been someone who has always had trouble making girl friends, now is the time to change your approach!  Be confident and comfortable and don’t judge anyone too soon.

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Post from: Blisstree

Trouble Making Girl Friends?

If you have been in a serious relationship for a long time you probably think that it is moving towards engagement and marriage.  As the years tick by on your relationship calendar and you take significant steps forward (like moving in together, meeting each other’s families, taking vacations together, and adopting pets) you naturally just develop feelings towards lifelong commitment.

The common problem that I have been noticing is the feeling of waiting.  Due to stereotypes about the male “inability to commit” women find themselves suppressing their feelings of wanting to get married.  They fear that even bringing up the issue will push their man away and they will lose the relationship completely.  What does this mean for a relationship?

It means that there is unaddressed tension between the man and woman because they are not discussing their future in an open way and they are not being honest about their inentions with one another.

In this situation I think women should just put it all out in the open.  If they completely intend to marry their boyfriend, they should let him know.  Obviously don’t jump to this step too soon, but it is important to be honest so you don’t find yourself waiting for something that will never happen.

If you find that you have a definite feeling of “waiting” in your relationship, then do something about it!  Stop waiting for him to make a decision about your future together.  Don’t be too intense about it, but do have a talk. It may be the scariest thing in the world to imagine your boyfriend telling you that he never wants to marry you, but if that is the absolute truth then you need to find out and start moving on.

But in many cases you will be happy to find that it’s the opposite…guys just need a little push sometimes.  They need you to put that idea in their head and help them to realize that the time has come to make movements towards the next step.  It won’t be a quick or easy conversation that wraps up everything in a bow, but you shouldn’t keep waiting…you should start the communication now.

Being on the same page is extremely important in a relationship and finding out what your individual plans are for your future is a good way to make sure your lives are going in a healthy direction.

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Post from: Blisstree

Are You Waiting For Him To Make Decisions?

GEORGETOWN — A Georgetown man struggled for years, battling a painful spine injury and fighting to obtain Social Security benefits. He even reached out to a television reality show, hoping to be a better dad to his two sons.

Friday night, his struggle ended in a Georgetown cemetery. Scott Terrill died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest after a 90-minute standoff with police.

Terrill carried ”a lot of emotional baggage from the past,“ said Dwayne Russell, pastor of Safe Harbor Baptist Fellowship in Georgetown, who will officiate at his funeral.

Despite those trials, Terrill was a dedicated father, Russell said. His appearance on a Supernanny episode that first aired in January showed his ”desire to be a better dad.“

Terrill, 37, suffered from reflex sympathetic dystrophy since an accident about five years ago, said his mother, Margaret Ng.

The disorder causes sufferers to feel continuous, intense pain out of proportion to the severity of the injury, which gets worse rather than better over time. There is no cure.

Terrill had tried getting a job to work from home, but he could only sit up only a certain amount of hours of the day, Ng said.

”It might not have looked like it on the TV, but he could not get up for more than a couple hours a day because of the RSD,“ she said.

The Supernanny episode featuring Terrill first aired on Jan. 23. Terrill said he had struggled to set boundaries for his sons, Lane and Tate, who were 11 and 5 at the time, because of his own harsh childhood.

In an attempt to avoid repeating the past, Terrill went to the other extreme, where he could not set discipline in his home.

Terrill later became the mascot for the show’s ”Foxy Dad of the Year“ competition.

Ng said Terrill went camping with his sons and was also involved with his eldest son’s soccer and his children’s schooling.

”He was a loving father with a big heart,“ Ng said.

On Friday, Terrill called Georgetown police about 6:50 p.m., Capt. Scott Starns said Monday. He told police he was thinking of killing himself and had a gun.

Terrill asked to speak to Police Chief Greg Reeves, and told him he was at his father’s grave at the Georgetown Cemetery.

Officers went to the cemetery, blocking off the scene and evacuating some of the houses nearby.

As he talked to officers, Terrill had a .38-caliber handgun pressed to his chest the whole time, Starns said.

”About an hour and a half into this whole scenario, they thought progress was being made, and he just abruptly squeezed the trigger,“ Starns said.

Scott County Coroner John Goble pronounced Terrill dead at Georgetown Community Hospital about 9 p.m.

Terrill grew up in Georgetown and attended Lexington Catholic High School, where he played basketball. He obtained his GED and went to one year of college at Morehead State University, Ng said.

In 2002 he ran in the Republican primary for a state House seat against Charlie Hoffman, but lost.

At Safe Harbor Baptist Fellowship, Russell said he had not seen or spoken to Terrill in six or seven months. But he said Terrill, a likeable guy who had been active in the church, had remained in contact with other church members.

Terrill’s death has greatly affected his congregation, Russell said. Many watched Terrill grow up, and church members have helped take care of his children.

”People who are struggling with those emotional struggles, they need to get connected with other people,“ he said. ”Not one of us as human beings could handle the stresses and struggles of life by ourselves.“

A graveside service will be 10:30 a.m. Wednesday at the Georgetown Cemetery. Visitation will be 6 to 8 p.m. Tuesday at Tucker, Yocum & Wilson Funeral Home.There are two things that Scott’s story teaches us. One, is that the personal struggles (that we all face) can become overwhelming if we do not seek out support. We live in a society that makes connecting with others, easier than it has ever been. There are support groups, internet chat groups, moms groups, shows like Supernanny and many other resources for gaining emotional support. We never have to be alone, if we choose to allow others into our lives and actively seek them out. If you have suicidal thoughts, or even feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness/loneliness, please reach out to someone. There are services that are dedicated to just that purpose, like 1-800-SUICIDE. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The second, less important lesson is this: What you see on a reality television show is never enough to assume that you know a person. Forty-three mniutes just isn’t enough time to paint a complete picture of anybody’s life. I read things about Scott that I had no idea he was dealing with. I’m sure you felt the same as you read the above excerpt. ABC had to show only the parenting aspect of Scott’s life, because of time constraints. Scott obviously dealt with so much more than what we were allowed to see. I can certainly attest to the fact that our lives are far more complicated than what you saw on March 5th’s episode of Supernanny. People assumed so many things about us, just as I’m sure they did about Scott. It is human nature to draw assumptions, I know. However, maybe this will teach us to be more compassionate when judging people based on a first impression, brief encounter, or even a television episode. Watch the Terrill episode again, this time with the knowledge that you’ve gained through this tragedy. I’m willing to bet that you will come away with a very different idea about Scott and his struggle to be a better father. I know that I sure will.

Post from: Blisstree

Lessons Derived From A Tragedy